


if 2 phantom thieves were on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what

by mellofricker



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, F/F, M/M, also morgana is still here he just can't type, sorry buddy, unapologetic use of memes, which makes things inconvinient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2018-10-31 12:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 78,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10899048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellofricker/pseuds/mellofricker
Summary: sh(akira):Oh fuckuseless bisexual:???????sh(akira):I laughed for like .2 seconds and now there’s oyster cracker crumbs on my phone screen





	1. animal crossing and chill

**Author's Note:**

> hey so guess who decided it'd be a good idea to write a persona 5 chatfic at 3am on a saturday .. ....this guyyyyyy.......
> 
> honestly tho, the only 2 reasons i decided to post this are my insatiable need for pegoryu content, and also the opportunity to discuss what kinds of memes futaba would be into. anyways this is my only posted writing in like..... over a year? so uh blease enjoy 
> 
> (also i'm only past the 4th palace so far so PLS no spoilers in the comments if at all possible thanks!!!!!)

_September 15th 2016_  
_1:36 am_

**useless bisexual:** wtf are u doing up  
**useless bisexual:** its like…….. 1 am  
**sh(akira):** Actually it’s 1:36 am  
**sh(akira):** No wait  
**sh(akira):** 1:37  
**useless bisexual:** YEAH  
**useless bisexual:** IN THE MORNING  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** Your point?  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin,,,,, smartass  
**useless bisexual:** why am i even talking to u rn  
**sh(akira):** Because we’re the only people who stay up until 1:37 am on a school night  
**sh(akira):** And also we’re dating but that’s besides the point  
**sh(akira):** So why’re you up?  
**useless bisexual:** was tryna study but gave up on that bullshit n now im just playing animal crossing  
**sh(akira):** Oh sick  
**sh(akira):** Which version  
**useless bisexual:** wild world  
**sh(akira):** Oh wow that’s like vintage animal crossing  
**useless bisexual:** eh its not really that vintage  
**useless bisexual:** wait wtf am i talking about why are YOU up  
**sh(akira):** Well morgana woke me up but then I got hungry and now I’m sitting in bed listening to Will Smith remixes and shoving down oyster crackers at lightning speed  
**sh(akira):** And texting you  
**useless bisexual:** wow  
**useless bisexual:** youre ridiculous  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**sh(akira):** Oh as long as I’m awake, I needed to ask you about something  
**useless bisexual:** yeah?  
**sh(akira):** I think we should make a group chat for us and not just the phantom thieves  
**sh(akira):** Like… where we aren’t just limited to talking about thief stuff and whatnot  
**sh(akira):** We could talk about anything honestly, personal or otherwise  
**useless bisexual:** OH YEAH thats a great idea tbh  
**useless bisexual:** we already spam phantom chat so much anyways im sure makoto will be down with it lmao  
**sh(akira):** I hope so  
**sh(akira):** Anyways I’ll do all that in the morning, I just wanted your input  
**useless bisexual:** dude u kno ill always give u my input on everything even when u dont ask for it  
**useless bisexual:** im like…….. an input machine. ur gettin these opinions whether u want em or not  
**sh(akira):** Pfft  
**sh(akira):** Oh fuck  
**useless bisexual:** ???????  
**sh(akira):** I laughed for like .2 seconds and now there’s oyster cracker crumbs on my phone screen  
**sh(akira):** I should have seen this coming  
**useless bisexual:** maybe if u were asleep like a normal ass person u wouldn’t be spitting gross old people crackers all over ur phone  
**sh(akira):** Fuck you oyster crackers are the most millennial crackers on the face of this planet  
**sh(akira):** Also, why would I want to sleep when I’m already talking to the dreamiest person I know  
**useless bisexual:** sHUT  
**sh(akira):** ;)  
**useless bisexual:** fuck oyu im going to bed ,  
**sh(akira):** Goodnight sweet prince  
**useless bisexual:** IF UR GONNA BE ROMANTIC AT LEAST DON’T USE MEMES  
**useless bisexual:** god ur almost as bad as futaba  
**sh(akira):** I take pride in that  
**sh(akira):** Anyways I should be headed off to bed too honestly  
**sh(akira):** Goodnight for real this time  
**useless bisexual:** niiight

_sh(akira) is now offline_

\---

_September 16th 2016_  
_9:16 am_

_useless bisexual added Yusuke Kitagawa, rat baby, ann (°◡°♡) and Makoto Niijima to a group_

_useless bisexual renamed group to PHANTOM SQUAD_

**useless bisexual:** the gangs all here  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wtf we’re in class rn  
**useless bisexual:** yeah but akira forgot to do this before class so he asked me to do it  
**Makoto Niijima:** To disrupt 2nd period?  
**useless bisexual:** NO  
**useless bisexual:** well kinda but we decided to make a group chat for non phantom thieves stuff  
**useless bisexual:** so we arent always spamming the actual phantom chat  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well that’s fine, but you should have waited until lunch.  
**useless bisexual:** ughhhhhh whatever at least its here now  
**useless bisexual:** u hear that futaba?? yusuke???? u can yell at each other as much as u want now  
**rat baby:** SWEET  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** My apologies, but I am afraid I’m not as familiar with our names on here as I am on the original Phantom Thieves chatroom.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** May I ask who everyone is?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** mine’s pretty self explanatory  
**useless bisexual:** im ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** makoto is makoto, rat baby is futaba  
**useless bisexual:** and u can probably figure out who sh(akira) is pretty easy  
**useless bisexual:** …...at least i hope u can  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes that was very helpful, thank you.  
**useless bisexual:** no prob dude  
**useless bisexual:** speaking of problems tho  
**useless bisexual:** AKIRA WHERE ARE U EVERYONE’S HERE EXCEPT U DUDE  
**sh(akira):** Kawakami’s giving me the stink eye so I had to mute my phone  
**sh(akira):** Hi everyone  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Kawakami...? Who is that?  
**sh(akira):** Oh, she’s our homeroom teacher  
**sh(akira):** She’s pretty cool. At least when I’m not texting in class anyways  
**sh(akira):** That’s alright though I’ll just say it was an emergency  
**ann (°◡°♡):** u think she’ll buy that???  
**sh(akira):** Absolutely not  
**ann (°◡°♡):** lmao good luck then :p  
**sh(akira):** Hey how come she isn’t glaring at you you for texting  
**ann (°◡°♡):** uh because i’m actually subtle when i check my phone  
**useless bisexual:** ooohoho  
**sh(akira):** :/  
**sh(akira):** Feeling kinda attacked right now  
**ann (°◡°♡):** good  
**sh(akira):** I know you guys can’t see this right now but she just flipped me off  
**sh(akira):** Help I’m being cyberbullied  
**rat baby:** wouldn’t that count as irl bullying too?/??  
**sh(akira):** … I mean yeah  
**useless bisexual:** hey ann its the cyber police they just told me ur goin to fuckin jail  
**ann (°◡°♡):** TRY AND TAKE ME ALIVE 凸(｀0´)凸  
**Makoto Niijima:** I hate to intrude on your... extremely important conversation, but may I remind you that we’re all still in class?  
**useless bisexual:** boooooooo  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sorry makoto!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but also not bc i have to bully akira every opportunity i get  
**Makoto Niijima:** I completely understand.  
**sh(akira):** H e y  
**useless bisexual:** alright if yall keep cyber AND OR real bullying my bf im gonna have to throw these hands  
**sh(akira):** Go get em  
**Makoto Niijima:** I was under the impression that you didn’t condone violence?  
**sh(akira):** Well yeah I don’t  
**sh(akira):** Doesn’t mean I won’t condone my boyfriend condoning violence  
**useless bisexual:** HELL YEA ┗(｀皿´)┛  
**Makoto Niijima:** If you all don’t put away your phones within the next 5 minutes I won’t hesitate condoning some violence of my own.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Or perhaps participating in some.  
**useless bisexual:** ... … right…  
**sh(akira):** Oh shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** whoops !! won’t happen again haha,,,,


	2. the great bob ross incident of 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** Face the consequences Ann  
>  **sh(akira):** We are two disgusting people, and we’re proud of that  
>  **sh(akira):** Now If you’ll excuse me I have a cop to bribe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 2 !! i'm still trying to figure out the direction i wanna go w/ this story, but rest assured i'll try and update it at least once a week if possible. anyways enjoy ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

_September 20th 2016_  
_5:55 pm_

**useless bisexual:** wow i sure do love exams :) love em to death  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so you’re having trouble studying too, huh?  
**useless bisexual:** no i just dont wanna  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ,,,,how have you not failed a single grade level yet  
**useless bisexual:** i dunno  
**useless bisexual:** numbers are fake anyways  
**useless bisexual:** also is that shiho in ur new skype pic??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh !! yeah shiho and i went on another date this weekend to the crepé shop in shibuya  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she really seems to like her new school and everything… i’m glad  
**useless bisexual:** yeah me too  
**useless bisexual:** honestly just thinkin about what kamoshida did to her makes my blood boil……  
**useless bisexual:** ugh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hey, remember what we agreed? no using the k word  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s all in the past, we don’t need to worry about that anymore  
**useless bisexual:** yeah i know im sorry,,  
**useless bisexual:** sometimes i just forget  
**useless bisexual:** he sucks anyways idk why i even still think about him  
**useless bisexual:** just……..  
**useless bisexual:** ugh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ugh?  
**useless bisexual:** ugh.  
**sh(akira):** Are you guys doing some kind of fucked up caveman roleplay or  
**useless bisexual:** gHNFH  
**ann (°◡°♡):** no omg  
**ann (°◡°♡):** great time for you to show up though cause i was just about to talk more about my date with shiho !!  
**sh(akira):** Yeah?  
**sh(akira):** How’s she doing? I haven’t heard anything from her in awhile  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she’s doing great !!! her rehab is complete and she says she’s adjusting really well to her new school  
**ann (°◡°♡):** students there who actually know about her incident are really considerate about it and everything  
**ann (°◡°♡):** they don’t ask her to talk about it, which is nice  
**sh(akira):** That’s awesome  
**sh(akira):** I’m glad you guys are still able to see each other even though she attends school like halfway across tokyo now  
**ann (°◡°♡):** pfft it’s not that far  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and besides even if it WAS i’d still see her no matter what  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’d fight the goddamn prime minister if it meant i got to keep seeing shiho  
**sh(akira):** Yeah you fuckin would  
**sh(akira):** Not without telling me first though, I’d want to record the entire thing  
**sh(akira):** Y’know, for posterity. And also views  
**ann (°◡°♡):** of course  
**Makoto Niijima:** Are you two actually planning on fighting the prime minister?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT’S FOR LOVE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean no of course not  
**sh(akira):** Why would we want to do that Makoto  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah makoto  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are you accusing us of something?  
**sh(akira):** I thought you trusted us  
**Makoto Niijima:** No? I mean, yes I do.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But I simply asked a question...?  
**useless bisexual:** pfft theyre messing w/ u dude  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You know, you guys really aren’t all that funny.  
**sh(akira):** We’re aware of this  
**sh(akira):** We use humor to mask the pain  
**Makoto Niijima:** Was that… a pun?  
**sh(akira):** ;)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god  
**useless bisexual:** THIS IS THE JOKE POLICE YOUVE GONE TOO FAR  
**useless bisexual:** ur under arrest for crimes against punkind  
**sh(akira):** I can’t go back to jail officer  
**useless bisexual:** ill allow u one bribe  
**useless bisexual:** better make it a good one  
**sh(akira):** Oh you know I will  
**ann (°◡°♡):** isn’t it kinda hypocritical that you were accusing us of doing a fucked up roleplay earlier  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and now look where we are  
**sh(akira):** This is different  
**ann (°◡°♡):** no i think this is just worse  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and more gross  
**useless bisexual:** this is what u get for being friends w/ us  
**sh(akira):** Face the consequences Ann  
**sh(akira):** We are two disgusting people, and we’re proud of that  
**sh(akira):** Now If you’ll excuse me I have a cop to bribe  
**ann (°◡°♡):** :/  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ew  
**rat baby:** speaking of gross and disgusting, where’s inari  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh hey futaba  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you mean yusuke?  
**rat baby:** YES  
**rat baby:** he owes me 15 bucks cause i bought him lunch today  
**rat baby:** i am here to COLLECT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** isn’t he like… broke all the time, though?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** besides you’d have better chances getting a hold of him if you just private messaged him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** or, like, called him or something  
**sh(akira):** Oh Yusuke’s over at my place right now  
**rat baby:** he is???  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** We’re watching reruns of Bob Ross and talking about our feelings  
**sh(akira):** Well I’m talking about my feelings anyway, he’s just talking about Bob Ross  
**sh(akira):** I guess that’s how he’s feeling  
**ann (°◡°♡):** bob ross is a feeling?  
**sh(akira):** He is now  
**rat baby:** just put the furry on  
**rat baby:** i have some words for him  
**sh(akira):** Ok hold on  
**sh(akira):** Hello Futaba, this is Yusuke speaking.  
**sh(akira):** Or... I suppose typing.  
**rat baby:** yo inari, when are u gonna pay me back  
**sh(akira):** Pardon?  
**rat baby:** I SAID WHEN ARE U GONNA PAY ME BACK  
**rat baby:** i forgot that there was this game i need to preorder, but i’m short 15 bucks  
**sh(akira):** Well, you are quite short in general.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh shit  
**rat baby:** U GOT A DEATHWISH OR SOMETHING FOXFUCKER??? (ʘ言ʘ╬)  
**sh(akira):** No, I am merely stating a fact.  
**rat baby:** (¬_¬)  
**rat baby:** …….. ANYWAYS  
**rat baby:** i don’t normally ask for paybacks but i seriously need this game  
**rat baby:** like… SERIOUSLY seriously  
**rat baby:** i’ve been waiting for this thing longer than people have been waiting for the return of christ  
**sh(akira):** Hey Futaba it’s Akira again  
**sh(akira):** Don’t worry I can lend you the cash if you need it  
**rat baby:** u sure?  
**rat baby:** i thought u were saving up for a better tv?  
**sh(akira):** Well yeah I am, but it’s just 15 bucks  
**sh(akira):** Don’t worry about paying me back, it’s fine  
**rat baby:** aw thanks (＾▽＾)  
**sh(akira):** No prob  
**rat baby:** i might still head over to your place tho  
**rat baby:** i’m gonna strangle that inari  
**sh(akira):** Please don’t, Sojiro would come after my ass so fast  
**rat baby:** wouldn’t he be coming after my ass tho???  
**sh(akira):** Probably, but he’d definitely kill me before you  
**sh(akira):** I can see the headline now:  
**sh(akira):** “Local teen killed by fake dad due to his fake sister killing his friend over a video game”  
**rat baby:** i’d read that article  
**sh(akira):** Same honestly  
**useless bisexual:** alright i just got back  
**useless bisexual:** WOW i missed a lot  
**useless bisexual:** also futaba wtf even is ur skype pic???  
**rat baby:** oh it’s from a video hold on  
**rat baby:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT2Y6ftxilM>  
**rat baby:** behold my fursona  
**useless bisexual:** what the fresh hell  
**useless bisexual:** they’re just making a really tall guy  
**rat baby:** just wait it gets even better  
**useless bisexual:** oh  
**useless bisexual:** OH WOW  
**useless bisexual:** THE VOICE HES DOIN FOR THE CHIPMUNK GIRL OH MY GOD  
**useless bisexual:** IM LOSING IT RN  
**rat baby:** i told u  
**useless bisexual:** this is the best thing ever  
**useless bisexual:** what the fuck im actually cryign ;;;  
**rat baby:** akira i think i broke ur boyfriend  
**sh(akira):** Don’t worry he’s always kinda broken  
**sh(akira):** He’ll be fine in a sec probably  
**sh(akira):** ….. Oh wow this video is  
**sh(akira):** … H o l y f u c k  
**rat baby:** I TOLD U !!!!!  
**sh(akira):** Where did you even find this?  
**rat baby:** i dunno but at least i did  
**sh(akira):** Thank god  
**sh(akira):** I’m like…… half choking right now I was laughing so hard earlier  
**sh(akira):** I think I scared Yusuke a little bit  
**rat baby:** you’re all welcome  
**useless bisexual:** dude i almost popped a blood vessel from laughin i s2g  
**useless bisexual:** straight up almost had a heart attack  
**sh(akira):** You can’t have a heart attack, then I won’t have anybody to send dog pictures to at 3am anymore  
**useless bisexual:** its alright bro i cant die  
**useless bisexual:** you wanna kno why  
**sh(akira):** Why’s that?  
**useless bisexual:** cause youre my life bro  
**useless bisexual:** … bro?  
**useless bisexual:** akira  
**useless bisexual:** my bro my dude my homie its been like 5 minutes  
**sh(akira):** Sorry i choked again  
**useless bisexual:** ARE U FOR REAL  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** Your terrible jokes finally killed me  
**rat baby:** rest in pieces  
**useless bisexual:** BYE  
**useless bisexual:** ok but forreal tho are u alright???  
**sh(akira):** Yeah I’m good now  
**rat baby:** ,,,,,, you guys are nerds  
**useless bisexual:** youll understand when u eventually find somebody to send dog pics to u at 3 am  
**useless bisexual:** or rob banks with u  
**useless bisexual:** or make out with u behind the gym after classes  
**useless bisexual:** or all 3 of those things  
**rat baby:** ew  
**sh(akira):** Oh we’ve done stuff way more gross than that, don’t worry  
**rat baby:** EW  
**rat baby:** alright tmi i’m gonna go bleach my brain and my eyeballs at the same time now goodbye  
**sh(akira):** Have fun with that  
**sh(akira):** I should actually get started on dinner, it’s getting late and Sojiro’s gonna be heading home soon  
**sh(akira):** See you later Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** goooodnight  
**useless bisexual:** i guess ill try and study now or whatever,,,,  
**sh(akira):** I’ll pray for your math grade tonight, how about that  
**useless bisexual:** same here dude  
**useless bisexual:** but thanks i appreciate it  
**useless bisexual:** see u tomorrow u handsome devil u  
**sh(akira):** Don’t you see yourself every morning though?  
**useless bisexual:** hnGHJ STOP THAT  
**sh(akira):** Stop what?  
**useless bisexual:** u kno exactly what ur doin  
**sh(akira):** Do I?  
**useless bisexual:** YES  
**sh(akira):** :3c  
**sh(akira):** See you tomorrow

_sh(akira) is now offline_


	3. goro akechi fucking dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Makoto Niijima:** While I agree that he is strange, I’m sure he’s not an awful person.  
>  **sh(akira):** No he’s definitely an awful person  
>  **sh(akira):** I just... can’t really decide the exact reason he’s such an awful person  
>  **rat baby:** is it the hair?  
>  **sh(akira):** Yup, I made up my mind it’s definitely the hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is...... chapter 3....... i honestly have no idea how i'm churning out new chapters so fast, it is a mystery. ALSO U GUYS LEAVE SUCH NICE COMMENTS??? IT MAKES ME CRY TEARS OF JOY ON THE INSIDE??? SO THANK U SO MUCH ????
> 
> also: if any of u wanna shoot me an ask (or just wanna talk!) my tumblr is croninians & my twitter is @meme_xtreme. PLS FEEL FREE TO YELL AT ME ABOUT PERSONA. blease. im desperate. enjoy

_September 25th 2016_

_11:32 am_

**sh(akira):** So I know this is irrelevant  
**sh(akira):** But I just found out you can change people’s nicknames on here  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh God.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t change mine to anything inappropriate, I have my sister as a contact on here…  
**sh(akira):** Nah don’t worry you’re safe  
**sh(akira):** I’m not that much of a dick  
**Makoto Niijima:** I could beg to differ, but whatever you say.  
**sh(akira):** :I  
**sh(akira):** Thanks Makoto  
**Makoto Niijima:** You’re very welcome.  
**sh(akira):** Ok who should I slander first  
**Makoto Niijima:** Nobody?  
**sh(akira):** Sorry, that’s not an option  
**sh(akira):** I gotta roast somebody before noon  
**Makoto Niijima:** Why noon, though?  
**sh(akira):** That’s when Ryuji’s coming to stay the weekend  
**sh(akira):** He’s bringing takeout  
**sh(akira):** We’re gonna marathon One Piece until we either pass out, die, or my TV decides to spontaneously combust  
**Makoto Niijima:** Good luck with that.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That show confuses me to no end…  
**sh(akira):** Same, but it’s got a cool skeleton in it so I’m hooked  
**Makoto Niijima:** It seems to me like you have what people would call “ A thing” for skeletons, Akira.  
**sh(akira):** ???  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, come on.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Your boyfriend’s Phantom Thief codename is “Skull”, who has a pirate skeleton for a persona.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You yourself have about 3 different skeleton themed personas in your arsenal.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You only watch One Piece because there’s a skeleton character in it.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s obvious.  
**sh(akira):** …  
**sh(akira):** There’s no connection  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh my God.  
**rat baby:** so does that mean u guys are gonna bone or,,,  
**Makoto Niijima:** FUTABA  
**sh(akira):** Nah  
**sh(akira):** If we were at Ryuji’s place then maybe  
**sh(akira):** But I think you’re forgetting that my room has no door  
**rat baby:** so?  
**sh(akira):** … What do you mean “so?”  
**sh(akira):** I live in a café  
**rat baby:** yeah? and?  
**sh(akira):** Oh I don’t know, maybe because there’s pedestrians who eat there who would rather not have 2 teenagers banging above their café  
**sh(akira):** And your dad works there too  
**sh(akira):** Who’s technically my temporary dad  
**sh(akira):** And... I dunno maybe Akechi would be there too  
**rat baby:** akechi is always there tho  
**sh(akira):** I know and I hate it  
**Makoto Niijima:** Why is he there so often?  
**sh(akira):** I have no fucking clue  
**sh(akira):** He just sits there every day, sipping the same dumb coffee from the same dumb cup  
**rat baby:** like a bitch  
**sh(akira):** Exactly like a bitch  
**Makoto Niijima:** While I agree that he is strange, I’m sure he’s not an awful person.  
**sh(akira):** No he’s definitely an awful person  
**sh(akira):** I just... can’t really decide the exact reason he’s such an awful person  
**rat baby:** is it the hair?  
**sh(akira):** Yup, I made up my mind it’s definitely the hair  
**useless bisexual:** HEY ARE WE ROASTING AKECHI I WANT IN  
**Makoto Niijima:** It will never cease to amaze me how you always arrive in chat right after we insult somebody.  
**sh(akira):** Akechi getting insulted is our catnip, basically  
**sh(akira):** Oh, but Ryuji are you ready for our One Piece marathon later?  
**useless bisexual:** HELL YEA I AM  
**useless bisexual:** i got the blurays dude  
**sh(akira):** Oh fuck  
**rat baby:** well now you guys gotta let me come over  
**sh(akira):** Nope sorry, can’t  
**sh(akira):** This is an us night  
**rat baby:** ughhhhhhhh i HATE us nights  
**useless bisexual:** well we only ever get to do this when akira isnt working  
**useless bisexual:** which is like never  
**useless bisexual:** also i finally got enough cash to get takeout sushi WHICH IS EXPENSIVE AS FUCK BTW  
**sh(akira):** You know I could have just paid for it  
**useless bisexual:** well maybe but then it wouldnt be a surpriiiise  
**sh(akira):** ...You literally told me “Hey I’m getting takeout sushi”  
**sh(akira):** And I said “Ok do you want to split the bill”  
**sh(akira):** And then you ran across town to get takeout sushi  
**useless bisexual:** oh yea  
**useless bisexual:** uh  
**useless bisexual:** ,, whoops haha i guess i didnt hear u  
**sh(akira):** It’s cool  
**sh(akira):** But I’m paying for food next time  
**useless bisexual:** ugh fine (;¬_¬)  
**sh(akira):** Now get your ass down here, it’s One Piece time  
**useless bisexual:** ALRIGHTY

\---

_September 25th 2016_

_9:01 pm_

**useless bisexual:** yo guess whos in the cafe rn  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke?  
**useless bisexual:** wtf no  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Do you wish for me to head over to the café?  
**useless bisexual:** NO  
**useless bisexual:** its akechi  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but isn’t he always there?  
**useless bisexual:** well yeah  
**useless bisexual:** but this time is different  
**useless bisexual:** this motherfucker is asleep  
**ann (°◡°♡):** omg you’re kidding me  
**useless bisexual:** I SHIT U NOT  
**useless bisexual:** he came in here like 10 minutes ago w/ his dumb briefcase  
**useless bisexual:** finished his coffee then BOOM hes out like a light  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s fucking hilarious  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so are you gonna wake him up?  
**useless bisexual:** no  
**useless bisexual:** but were gonna stack napkins on top of him until he does  
**ann (°◡°♡):** gHNGHJG  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Where is Sakura-san, though? I imagine he wouldn’t take kindly to you two stacking paper napkins on his patrons.  
**useless bisexual:** hes out on a coffee bean run  
**useless bisexual:** apparently we ran outta colombia beans or some shit so hes halfway across town rn  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god you guys are actually gonna do this  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I wish the both of you the best of luck.  
**useless bisexual:** thanks dude  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YUSUKE DON’T ENCOURAGE THEM  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Why not?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** UM BECAUSE HE’S A MEMBER OF THE POLICE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you know, the people who have been trying to arrest us for the past 6 months???  
**useless bisexual:** too late  
**useless bisexual:** akiras in the back rn grabbing all the napkins we got in stock  
**useless bisexual:** this bitch boutta get stacked on  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ok well,,,,, at least pics or it didn’t happen  
**useless bisexual:** duh  
**useless bisexual:** OH SHIT ok hes got the napkins  
**useless bisexual:** lets do this shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i'm sweating so much right now and i'm not even there  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he didn’t wake up and catch you guys, did he?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** … guys?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh god  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke i think they’re dead  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m sure they’re fine.

_useless bisexual sent a picture_

**ann (°◡°♡):** HOLY SHIT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s like….. 300 napkins  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** How impressive…  
**useless bisexual:** HE HASN’T EVEN TWITCHED YET  
**useless bisexual:** THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS OUT COLD  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can see akira trying not to laugh over there  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** He almost looks like he’s in pain. Is he alright?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah  
**useless bisexual:** were both tryign not to fuckin g lose it rn,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** im like this close to crying  
**ann (°◡°♡):** is that really all the napkins you guys have though?  
**useless bisexual:** HELL NO  
**useless bisexual:** we got hundreds more dude

_useless bisexual sent a picture_

**useless bisexual:** boom  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I CAN BARELY SEE HIM ANYMORE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT’S JUST NAPKINS  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m astounded that he hasn’t woken up yet...  
**useless bisexual:** I TOLD U GUYS i think hes fuckin dead  
**ann (°◡°♡):** rip akechi  
**useless bisexual:** rip…..  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Rest in peace, Akechi-kun.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** By the way, what time do you think Boss will be returning?  
**useless bisexual:** i honestly have no idea dude  
**useless bisexual:** oH FU KC ,  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ryuji??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what happened  
**ann (°◡°♡):** …. helloooooo  
**useless bisexual:** he fuckin woke up  
**ann (°◡°♡):** OH MY GOD DID HE SEE YOU  
**useless bisexual:** NO NOT YET  
**useless bisexual:** me and akira are hidin in the back rn  
**useless bisexual:** he looks so confused omg  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akechi??  
**useless bisexual:** yeah  
**useless bisexual:** lookin around n shit like an idiot w/ napkins on his head  
**useless bisexual:** hnggfhh now i think hes just pissed  
**useless bisexual:** HE JUST PUT HIS MONEY ON THE TABLE N LEFT  
**useless bisexual:** HE LOOKS SO LOST AND CLUELESS  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Did he leave the café?  
**useless bisexual:** YEAH FUCKIN FINALLY……..  
**useless bisexual:** he stood in the entrance for like 2 minutes just lookin around tryna figure out what the shit just happened  
**useless bisexual:** i dont think ive ever seen anyone so confused before  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m actually hyperventilating from laughing so hard right now  
**useless bisexual:** SAME THERE ARE LEGIT TEARS IN MY EYE S  
**useless bisexual:** akira is on the floor he;s laughign so hard  
**useless bisexual:** thsi is the best thing thats ever happened 2 me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m saving those pictures  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I sincerely hope he doesn’t come to realize that this was our doing…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean even if he does, will anyone ever believe him?  
**useless bisexual:** ohmy god  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That is actually a very good point.  
**rat baby:** WHAT THE SHIT  
**rat baby:** I TOOK A POWER NAP AND MISSED THIS  
**useless bisexual:** u snooze u lose  
**rat baby:** auuuggghhhhh  
**rat baby:** anyway those pics are priceless  
**rat baby:** can u hi-five akira for me  
**useless bisexual:** no prob bro  
**useless bisexual:** im gonna have to wait til he gets up tho cause hes still on the floor  
**useless bisexual:** hes not even really laughing anymore i think hes just astral projecting or whatever they call it  
**rat baby:** can u send a pic  
**useless bisexual:** yeah hold on

_useless bisexual sent a picture_

**rat baby:** omg  
**rat baby:** i think u killed him  
**useless bisexual:** i killed my boyfriend guys  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it was only a matter of time  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I suppose we will need to search for a new leader as of now.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i vote myself  
**rat baby:** i vote the cat  
**sh(akira):** Hey guys  
**rat baby:** HE LIVES  
**sh(akira):** I’m all good now, we’re back upstairs  
**sh(akira):** I think I blacked out from laughing so hard, though  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t even know you were capable of emotions, honestly  
**sh(akira):** Me neither  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** We’re relieved that you and Ryuji are safe, however.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh yeah, i thought you guys were done for  
**sh(akira):** The law can’t take us, we’re Phantom Thieves  
**sh(akira):** And apparently also very good napkin stackers  
**rat baby:** the more u kno……..  
**sh(akira):** Alright well I’m fucking exhausted  
**sh(akira):** Sojiro just came back to close up so I think I’m turning in for the night  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji’s already out cold

_sh(akira) sent a picture_

**ann (°◡°♡):** awwww he’s getting his gross drool on you and everything  
**sh(akira):** It’s a price I’m willing to pay  
**sh(akira):** Anyways goodnight everybody  
**rat baby:** ttyl


	4. i want to see my little boy (here he comes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** There’s no going back  
>  **sh(akira):** You’re one of us now  
>  **rat baby:** ONE OF US  
>  **moon moon:** ??????  
>  **rat baby:** O N E O F U S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i introduced one of my faves this chapter..... i also wrote this chapter in like an hour while listening to persona 5 jazz covers so, yeah! 
> 
> ALSO i decided to break away from the constant skype chat format and write some Quality Literature™ for once, haha. while it's a fun as hell format to write in, i really wanted to include this specific scene before i introduced my boy
> 
> i hope y'all still enjoy it !!

_September 26th_

_10:22 am_

_You have (3) notifications from sh(akira)_

**sh(akira):** Ryuji  
**sh(akira):** Ryujiiiiiii  
**sh(akira):** Can you do something for me real quick  
**useless bisexual:** are u seriously texting me from upstairs  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**useless bisexual:** its the same fuckin house  
**useless bisexual:** ur only like 1 room away from me rn  
**sh(akira):** Yeah well  
**sh(akira):** It’s cold up here and I refuse to leave this bed  
**sh(akira):** Can you grab me the leftover sushi out of the fridge for breakfast  
**useless bisexual:** no way dude i aint ur maid  
**sh(akira):** No, but you’re my boyfriend  
**useless bisexual:** and????  
**sh(akira):** And you loooooove me  
**useless bisexual:** ughhhhhh h h h h hh  
**useless bisexual:** come downstairs and get it like a normal person  
**sh(akira):** Hmmmmm….. fine  
**sh(akira):** But I’ll get you back for this later  
**useless bisexual:** pfft yeah right

\---

Ryuji turned his head slightly towards the creaking sound of footsteps padding down Leblanc’s ancient-as-fuck stairs. It wasn’t until he saw the source of the noise that he managed to snort out a laugh.

“You totally look like a microwave burrito right now, dude.” Ryuji stated bluntly as he reached out a hand to ruffle the unruly, dark curls that obscured said burrito’s face. Akira hummed softly as he plopped down into the barstool directly next to Ryuji’s. 

The café was surprisingly quiet on this particular Sunday morning. Sojiro had decided to be nice and had taken a day off work, closing Leblanc just for today. Ryuji didn’t think he’d been this calm or happy since, like… ever. Not to mention Akira looked content too, but that was probably just because he was still half asleep and couldn’t care less about anything except his breakfast sushi. 

“Weren’t you gonna grab leftovers out of the fridge or somethin’?” Ryuji leaned further onto the counter, attempting to look at whichever part of Akira’s face wasn’t covered by his comforter.

“The kitchen’s got tile floors,” Akira mumbled into his blanket cocoon.

“Yeah, So?”

“...S’cold.” 

“Ohhh my god.”

Ryuji could see Akira’s cheshire grin peeking through the large comforter as he heaved sigh through his nose. This fucker just loved to mess with him, didn’t he? Nonetheless, Ryuji groaned and got to his feet as he made his way into the kitchen. “The things I do for you, I swear to god.”

Opening the fridge, he looked over his shoulder. “You still want sushi for breakfast, huh?” He asked as he grabbed whatever was left of their takeout from last night.

“Yup, breakfast of champions.”

“Damn straight.”

They spent the rest of the morning in a sushi filled, comforting silence. 

That was another strange thing about Akira, he realized in that moment. Before the two of them had met, Ryuji would always be talking. About everything, about nothing at all, it didn’t matter. He _hated_ silences. But now, he cherished them, as long as Akira was there to share those moments with him.

Well, usually anyways. The silence was broken by the sudden buzz of Akira’s phone. 

Akira offendedly lifted his head from Ryuji’s shoulder to glare at the device, as if all his problems somehow stemmed from it. Heaving a large sigh, he freed a hand from his blanket fortress of solitude to check his most recent messages. Honestly it wasn’t very solitary now anyways, since it was wrapped around both their shoulders and Akira was practically sitting in Ryuji’s lap.

Ryuji rolled his eyes, “Can’t that wait til’ later? Your phone just ruined the vibe,” he mumbled, peering over his boyfriend’s shoulder with half curiosity.

Akira huffed a laugh, “Yeah it tends to do that. But it might be important, so hold on.”

Watching as Akira scrolled through his skype notifications, Ryuji was surprised to see that the most recent one was from Mishima. “Oh wow, that dude’s got a Skype?”

“Yeah, I’ve had him added on here for months.” Akira responded as he opened the messages. 

What surprised Ryuji even more, however, was the messages themselves.

**mishima yuuki:** Hey !!  
**mishima yuuki:** So, uh, Ann recently mentioned that you guys had a group chat on here.  
**mishima yuuki:** She told me it’s not for Phantom Thief stuff though, so don’t worry!! I’m not trying to snoop on you guys or anything, lol.  
**mishima yuuki:** Anyways, I was wondering if you could add me? I know we’re already friends, but I still wanna get to know you guys better and everything!  
**mishima yuuki:** It’s cool if you decline though, I was just curious.  
**mishima yuuki:** Talk to you later!

“Aww, how cute.” Akira elbowed Ryuji through the blanket and he yelped.

Ryuji pulled the comforter tighter around himself, “What the hell was that for?” he huffed indignantly. “He’s just trying to get to know us better, you know.” Akira responded, looking back at the messages.

“Well yeah, but-”

“What’s the real harm if we add him? I mean he’s right after all, it’s just a chat for personal stuff.”

Ryuji looked back at Akira carefully.

“...Yeah, you’re right. Still, I think we should ask the others before we add him. Y’know, just to make sure it’s ok and everythin’.”

“Of course.”

\---

_September 26th_

_10:42 am_

**sh(akira):** Alright so I’ve got some developments  
**sh(akira):** Mishima wants to join our chat  
**ann (°◡°♡):** mishima yuuki?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** the guy who runs the phansite?  
**sh(akira):** Yup  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ...i mean i guess it’s ok, since this isn’t the main phantom chat  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, that’s what I thought too  
**sh(akira):** No objections from anyone else right?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Mishima is a good person, I trust him.  
**rat baby:** as long as he’s not a weirdo, sure  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I have no objections either.  
**sh(akira):** Alright, cool  
**sh(akira):** Wow, everyone is actually online at the same time for once  
**sh(akira):** It’s a Christmas miracle  
**rat baby:** it’s september you fuck

_sh(akira) added mishima yuuki to PHANTOM SQUAD_

**sh(akira):** Welcome to the madness  
**mishima yuuki:** Wow !!  
**mishima yuuki:** There’s way more people in here than I thought there would be. :0  
**rat baby:** you’re lucky you arrived on a day when we’re somehow all here  
**mishima yuuki:** Yeah, guess so!  
**sh(akira):** Oh wait hold on  
**sh(akira):** I gotta abuse my power really quick

_mishima yuuki’s nickname is now moon moon_

**sh(akira):** There we go  
**rat baby:** hngHG NICE  
**moon moon:** What the heck?  
**moon moon:** How’d you do that?  
**rat baby:** WAIT LEMME TRY

_Yusuke Kitagawa’s nickname is now inari_

**rat baby:** IT WORKED  
**moon moon:** How do I change it back??  
**sh(akira):** There’s no going back  
**sh(akira):** You’re one of us now  
**rat baby:** ONE OF US  
**moon moon:** ??????  
**rat baby:** O N E O F U S  
**moon moon:** Uh...  
**moon moon:** I’m scared.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** don’t worry, they’re literally always like this  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you’ll get used to it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** eventually  
**moon moon:** Um, ok.  
**sh(akira):** Wait hold on I just came up with a better nickname for Yusuke

_inari’s nickname is now graphic design is my passion_

**rat baby:** HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT ONE  
**sh(akira):** I have no idea, but I’m glad I could take this achievement from you  
**rat baby:** fuck u  
**sh(akira):** I have one for Ryuji too

_useless bisexual’s nickname is now sans undertale_

**rat baby:** pls don’t do this to him, he’s been through enough already  
**rat baby:** like having to put up with dating u  
**sh(akira):** All’s fair in love and war  
**rat baby:** jesus christ you’ve gone mad with power  
**sh(akira):** :3c  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akira’s been compromised  
**ann (°◡°♡):** MAKOTO SAVE US  
**Makoto Niijima:** Akira, do I need to kick you from the chat?  
**sh(akira):** Fuck  
**rat baby:** BYE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** would overthrowing our leader in group chat be considered a revolution?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** or maybe anarchy?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Both.  
**sh(akira):** I’ve made a huge mistake  
**Makoto Niijima:** You did the crime, now you pay the time.  
**rat baby:** she’s gonna hit u with her motorcycle  
**ann (°◡°♡):** floor it makoto  
**sh(akira):** I’d honestly be ok with Makoto hitting me with her bike  
**sh(akira):** But first let me change everyone’s names back

_sans undertale’s nickname is now useless bisexual_

_graphic design is my passion’s nickname is now Yusuke Kitagawa_

**sh(akira):** Voila  
**moon moon:** It looks like you missed mine!  
**sh(akira):** Oh  
**sh(akira):** Hmmm….. nah  
**moon moon:** What?  
**sh(akira):** Nope you’re good the way you are now  
**moon moon:** But why??  
**sh(akira):** One of us  
**rat baby:** ONE OF US!!!!  
**moon moon:** :/


	5. makoto niijima you useless lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ann (°◡°♡):** do you wanna get dirty with her makoto  
>  **Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t phrase it like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! long time no see everybody, apologies for the lateness of this chapter but i FINALLY got to haru's palace and i'm?? love?? her?? she's so fluffy.
> 
> (also the lateness is partially due to me buying the new fire emblem game and playing it relentlessly...... even tho i still haven't finished p5..... ahah aha....)
> 
> regardless, enjoy! i'll try to have the next chapter up sooner!

_September 30th 2016_  
_5:45 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** GUESS WHO WENT ON ANOTHER DATE  
**Makoto Niijima:** Was it you?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YEP IT WAS ME  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and shiho  
**ann (°◡°♡):** both of us together being very gay at disneyland  
**Makoto Niijima:** That sounds like fun. Had she been there before?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nope!!!!! that was the fun part  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we went so fast on the teacups that her hair-tie fell out and we ended up losing it lmao  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m glad you two enjoyed yourselves!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Speaking of dates and such…  
**Makoto Niijima:** I might be in need of some advice. Preferably from you, Ann.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** >:0  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ooohohoho does queen have a cruuuushhh???  
**Makoto Niijima:** Possibly.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You see, there’s a 3rd year I’ve become quite fond of.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** AAHHH !! THAT’S SO CUTE!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i don’t know many of the 3rd years though. who is it?  
**Makoto Niijima:** That seems to be my problem.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I… don’t know her name.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** makoto you’re literally the student council president how can you not know her name  
**Makoto Niijima:** I don’t know?!  
**Makoto Niijima:** I would ask her, but every time I try to come up and talk to her my nerves get the better of me.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s adorable???  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, it’s a problem.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** let’s just agree that it’s an adorable problem  
**ann (°◡°♡):** anyway, have you tried looking up her name in the student archives?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ann, are even you aware of how many students attend Shujin?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ,,,,, touché  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well then i’m out of ideas  
**ann (°◡°♡):** where do you normally see her, anyways?  
**Makoto Niijima:** She tends to the gardens behind Shujin after class on most days.  
**Makoto Niijima:** All by herself too. I can’t help but wonder if she gets lonely...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do you wanna get dirty with her makoto  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t phrase it like that.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But for lack of better words, yes I suppose I do.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hell yes  
**ann (°◡°♡):** don’t worry makoto i’ll make this happen for you  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll be the best damn wingman you’ve ever seen  
**Makoto Niijima:** Okay just... please don’t scare her off.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wouldn’t dream of it !!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** man, i feel like all my training as a phantom thief has led up to this moment  
**Makoto Niijima:** I wouldn’t really go that far.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But I do appreciate your help nonetheless...  
**Makoto Niijima:** Thank you very much, Ann.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** all in a day’s work (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و

\---

_October 1st 2016_  
_12:16 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** so, uh, hey makoto  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i may or may not have accidentally set up a date with you and your 3rd year crush  
**Makoto Niijima:** ?!  
**Makoto Niijima:** What?!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NONONO IT’S OK  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i just asked what her name was and told her you were looking for her yesterday  
**ann (°◡°♡):** her name’s haru okumura and she’s really sweet!!! even a bit shy, actually  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i had no idea that was your type makoto (´꒳`)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i thought you’d be into scarier, tougher girls lmao  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ugh, please keep quiet about that…  
**Makoto Niijima:** Either way, how did she respond?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh yeah!! she said she could meet you on the roof after class today  
**ann (°◡°♡):** if that’s alright with you  
**Makoto Niijima:** ...Today?  
**Makoto Niijima:** As in, “today” today?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** um yeah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what other today would i be talking about, lol  
**Makoto Niijima:** I don’t know if I can do it.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh come on!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** makoto you’re one of the bravest people i know  
**ann (°◡°♡):** if not THE bravest  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and i’m telling you right now that you’re gonna talk to that cute girl on that rooftop today  
**ann (°◡°♡):** have a romantic chat about plants or something  
**Makoto Niijima:** Um.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well her succulent garden has been looking quite nice lately, I was hoping to compliment her on it.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ah…  
**Makoto Niijima:** Fine, I’ll buck up and do it.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YES  
**ann (°◡°♡):** don’t put my hard work to waste !!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** I didn’t really ask for any of this, you know.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** shush  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also this is a bit off topic, but why the hell have we been practically the only ones online for the past day?  
**rat baby:** sorry, i had to mute chat earlier bc of a raid i was doing w/ my guild  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haha nerd  
**rat baby:** guilty as charged  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what about everyone else though?  
**rat baby:** well ryuji’s home sick and probably doesn’t feel like checking his phone  
**rat baby:** akira skipped school today to hang out at ryuji’s place since ryuji's mom is outta town and also he's sick  
**rat baby:** which is DUMB bc akira’s probably gonna end up getting sick too  
**rat baby:** which means I’M probably gonna get sick bc i practically live w/ him  
**rat baby:** but anyway he probably doesn’t feel like checking his phone either  
**ann (°◡°♡):** aw, that’s really sweet of him though  
**rat baby:** yeah, well say that when u eventually catch the Ryuji Virus™  
**rat baby:** oh yeah and inari is a DUMBASS bc he asked me to come w/ him to help hold his canvas while he painted scenery at inokashira park yesterday  
**rat baby:** and u kno what this dumb motherfucker did??? he left his damn phone on the edge of the boat and it fell into the water after like 10 mins  
**rat baby:** so now he literally doesn’t even have a phone to check group chat with  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wait so how’s he gonna check the main phantom thieves chat?  
**rat baby:** i told him we’d go out tomorrow and i’d buy him a new phone  
**rat baby:** but he’s gotta pick it out and he’s gotta pay me back  
**rat baby:** ……. eventually  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys act so much like a couple sometimes it’s disturbing i swear  
**rat baby:** yeah well inari’s aromantic last time i checked, so that isn’t happening anytime soon  
**rat baby:** and also he’s gross??? i’d chop all my fingers off before i’d date him????  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh, i didn’t know yusuke was aromantic  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also quit exaggerating, you wouldn’t be able to send us memes if you cut all your fingers off  
**rat baby:** damn ur right  
**sh(akira):** hey guys im not dead  
**ann (°◡°♡):** who are you and what did you do with the real akira?  
**sh(akira):** its ryuji  
**sh(akira):** the real akira is sleeping rn  
**sh(akira):** and my phone is across the room but i dont feel like getting it rn so i stole his phone  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so the phantom thieves steal phones now?  
**sh(akira):** yup  
**sh(akira):** but its actually bc he fell asleep on top of me and i literally cant ruin this moment  
**sh(akira):** its like…... ok so u kno when a cat falls asleep on u right?  
**sh(akira):** and u feel like u would be the biggest douchebag in the world if u woke it up??  
**sh(akira):** thats me rn  
**rat baby:** wow  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s quite the situation you’ve gotten yourself into there  
**sh(akira):** yeah its worth it tho  
**sh(akira):** now i get to look at all the dumb memes he saved on his phone  
**sh(akira):** WTF HIS CONTACT PIC FOR ME IS SO FUNNY  
**rat baby:** omg show us  
**sh(akira):** hold up i gotta find a link since i cant save it  
**sh(akira):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B-trdYZUIAAWhIt.jpg>  
**rat baby:** w o w  
**ann (°◡°♡):** who is that???  
**sh(akira):** I DONT KNO BUT IM LAUGHIGN SO HARD IM COUGHIN G  
**sh(akira):** his contact name for me is ramen bitch WOW  
**sh(akira):** aw fuck i think i woke him up  
**rat baby:** oooooo he’s gonna murder youuuuu  
**sh(akira):** nah i dont think so  
**sh(akira):** SHIT he definitely woke up tho  
**sh(akira):** later dudes  
**ann (°◡°♡):** bye ryuji, tell your boyfriend to stop skipping school  
**sh(akira):** that wont actually stop him  
**sh(akira):** but yeah sure thing  


_sh(akira) is now offline_  


**ann (°◡°♡):** lunch is almost over so i should head off too  
**ann (°◡°♡):** makoto BETTER talk to haru later though or i’m gonna be pissed  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i will kick her ass  
**rat baby:** she could benchpress u  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ,,,,, yeah you know what, you’re right nevermind  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll just giver her a stern talking to in that case  
**rat baby:** tell u what, i’ll let u kno if anything gay happens while ur gone  
**ann (°◡°♡):** kk thanks !!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** talk to you later futaba  
**rat baby:** l8r  


_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_


	6. Hot a What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** I guess two delinquents just make one really big delinquent  
>  **sh(akira):** We’re one entity now  
>  **rat baby:** ALL HAIL THE DELINQUENT SINGULARITY  
>  **sh(akira):** All hail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm glad i was able to get a chapter out before finals because school is kicking my ASS rn lmao..... but thank u all so much for ur comments, kudos and support!!! y'all are the light of my life
> 
> anyways here it is! chapter 6! or it's alternative title: makoto continues her gay endeavors and so does everybody else
> 
> (additional author's note: i edited this chapter while listening to an otomatone cover of my heart will go on, and if you've ever wondered what this fic would sound like as music then there you go)

_October 1st, 2016_  
_4:02 pm_

**moon moon:** Oh wow I missed a lot in chat today…  
**moon moon:** I hope your meeting with Haru goes well, Niijima-senpai!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh hey mishima !  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ugh makoto’s still offline,,,,, i bet she’s avoiding us on purpose  
**moon moon:** I hope not.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** eh, if she is i’ll just corner her in the hallway tomorrow or something  
**ann (°◡°♡):** either way i gotta know those juicy details !!!  
**moon moon:** Haha, I think Niijima-senpai might be too shy to go into detail about that sort of thing.  
**moon moon:** Oh! And I hope Ryuji gets better soon. I’m still reading back in chat.  
**rat baby:** you honestly didn’t miss much except makoto’s sad love life  
**ann (°◡°♡):** LMAO  
**moon moon:** Huh, this is surprising...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hm?  
**moon moon:** I had no idea that Akira and Ryuji were dating...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wait REALLY  
**rat baby:** wtf  
**ann (°◡°♡):** mishima you’re a pretty sharp guy, i find that hard to believe  
**rat baby:** yeah seriously,,, i don’t even go to school and i see ENOUGH of them being gross together  
**ann (°◡°♡):** truth  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but then again futaba you practically live with akira, so  
**rat baby:** that makes it even worse  
**sh(akira):** Let the record say that I’m absolutely not sorry  
**rat baby:** you should be  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh hey real akira’s back !  
**sh(akira):** In the digital flesh  
**sh(akira):** Also yeah Mishima I thought I told you at one point  
**moon moon:** Hmm, not that I remember…  
**sh(akira):** Ah well  
**sh(akira):** Now you know that the local school delinquent and I are in cahoots together  
**rat baby:** you make it sound like some sort of old-timey romance novel  
**sh(akira):** I mean that’s basically what it is, except we also punch stuff  
**moon moon:** I thought that you were technically the local school delinquent though?  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah you’re right  
**sh(akira):** I guess two delinquents just make one really big delinquent  
**sh(akira):** We’re one entity now  
**rat baby:** ALL HAIL THE DELINQUENT SINGULARITY  
**sh(akira):** All hail  
**ann (°◡°♡):** like hell i’d hail you guys  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also mishima why are you so surprised anyways??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean it’s not like you were trying to get with akira or anything  
**moon moon:** Oh, no way!!  
**moon moon:** I’d never do something like that, haha.  
**moon moon:** Nope, not in a million years…  
**moon moon:** I’m like really super happy for you guys!  
**rat baby:** …….  
**rat baby:** oh wow you’re serious  
**rat baby:** dude u ain’t slick  
**moon moon:** Huh...?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah i’m sorry mishima but that wasn’t really subtle at all ( •᷄⌓•᷅ )  
**moon moon:** What??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you can admit that you like akira, it’s alright  
**moon moon:** WHAT, NO.  
**moon moon:** No no no no, nope, I don’t I swear!  
**sh(akira):** It’s ok dude I kinda already knew  
**sh(akira):** To be honest you aren’t really all that subtle inside or outside of texting  
**moon moon:** Ughhhhhh…  
**moon moon:** Well now I’m just embarrassed.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we all thought he was hot at one point, it’s ok  
**sh(akira):** Are you implying that I’m not hot now?  
**rat baby:** u were never hot  
**sh(akira):** Well you’re asexual Futaba so your opinion of my hotness levels doesn’t count  
**rat baby:** nah it’s not because i’m ace, it’s just because ur ugly  
**sh(akira):** Filthy dirty lies  
**sh(akira):** But for real, you have nothing to be embarrassed about Mishima  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji and I talk about different people that we think are hot all the time  
**moon moon:** ...Really? Even though you guys are together?  
**sh(akira):** Yep  
**sh(akira):** It never even gets weird between us  
**sh(akira):** Mostly because we have relatively the same taste in people, but y’know  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ooooooh now this i wanna know  
**ann (°◡°♡):** gimme the list  
**rat baby:** ok since when did this chat just turn into us talking about who we would smash???  
**sh(akira):** Since today  
**sh(akira):** You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want  
**rat baby:** nah it’s cool i’m just waiting for makoto to get back  
**rat baby:** but i GUESS i’ll listen to your stupid list of dumb crushes who are probably way out of your league  
**sh(akira):** Well you’re right about the out of my league part  
**ann (°◡°♡):** have confidence!!!!!!  
**sh(akira):** Oh I do, believe me  
**sh(akira):** But I mean, that would literally be cheating if I went after these people  
**sh(akira):** And some of them are like way older than me  
**sh(akira):** So  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ok yep  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s definitely a bad thing that you shouldn’t do  
**sh(akira):** Yes, I am very aware of that  
**sh(akira):** Anyways moving on, I think the gun dude in Shibuya is pretty hot  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hNGHJG  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean everyone already thinks that?????  
**moon moon:** Oh, you mean the airsoft shop owner?  
**sh(akira):** That’s the dude  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji introduced me to him before the Phantom Thieves became official  
**rat baby:** u guys were just the baby thieves  
**sh(akira):** Yep we sure were  
**sh(akira):** But for real, I could barely even talk to the guy except for the occasional greeting for like... two months  
**sh(akira):** Because he was just too damn hot. I couldn’t do it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i think you just stole ryuji’s title of most useless bisexual  
**sh(akira):** Nah that title goes to you  
**ann (°◡°♡):** >:O  
**ann (°◡°♡):** rude  
**sh(akira):** It’s true though  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i hate it when you’re right  
**moon moon:** Honestly I just think that guy’s just scary more than anything…  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah he’s definitely scary  
**sh(akira):** But also just REALLY hot. In a scary way  
**moon moon:** You’re a pretty strange guy, Akira.  
**sh(akira):** You’re telling me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we figured something was probably wrong with akira months ago  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also he has a thing for “scary” people apparently  
**ann (°◡°♡):** like that one doctor you were crushing on  
**sh(akira):** Oh god  
**moon moon:** You had a crush on a doctor??  
**sh(akira):** Yep her too  
**sh(akira):** Her name’s Takemi and she could probably kill me  
**sh(akira):** Coincidentally she’s also our drug dealer  
**moon moon:** … Wow.  
**moon moon:** I’m learning so much about you?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she’s really cool though !! i met her at a local shrine a while back, when akira and i were praying for before our exams  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she has great fashion sense! and she’s also surprisingly knowledgeable about shrines for some reason  
**ann (°◡°♡):** either way i like her and i’m glad she’s basically selling us drugs  
**moon moon:** The lives of Phantom Thieves are so much more different from what I’d thought they’d be…  
**sh(akira):** Not really  
**sh(akira):** We just steal shit and buy drugs  
**sh(akira):** That’s normal teen stuff  
**moon moon:** I suppose?  
**moon moon:** Also, are you guys ever gonna change my nickname on here back to normal?  
**sh(akira):** Absolutely not  
**moon moon:** Yeah, I figured.  
**useless bisexual:** im awake dudes  
**useless bisexual:** aw shit i missed akiras speech about hot gun dude  
**useless bisexual:** yeah his names like…… iwai or somethin??  
**useless bisexual:** but yep hes a solid 10  
**sh(akira):** There’s nothing fake about those guns  
**useless bisexual:** EYYYYYYYYY  
**sh(akira):** Eyyyyyyyyy  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you two are embarrassments to society  
**useless bisexual:** we kno  
**useless bisexual:** u gotta admit tho akiras puns are god tier  
**sh(akira):** Thanks bb  
**useless bisexual:** ur welcome bb  
**ann (°◡°♡):** EMBARRASSMENTS  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh, do you guys think i should message makoto about her date though??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s been over an hour since classes were dismissed  
**useless bisexual:** eh she might think ur being overbearing  
**useless bisexual:** id just let her be  
**ann (°◡°♡):** fiiiineeee  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll message her later tonight  
**sh(akira):** It’ll be alright  
**sh(akira):** Makoto is a strong, independent lesbian with solid morals and extensive training in martial arts  
**sh(akira):** And also a motorbike  
**sh(akira):** I’m pretty sure she can handle talking to a pretty girl  
**ann (°◡°♡):** can she though???  
**useless bisexual:** more than u probably  
**ann (°◡°♡):** UM  
**ann (°◡°♡):** EXCUSE ME  
**useless bisexual:** :)  
**sh(akira):** He’s right  
**ann (°◡°♡):** WHATEVER  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I’M OUTTA HERE  
**useless bisexual:** tell shiho i said hi  
**useless bisexual:** …..yknow  
**useless bisexual:** if u can even manage to talk to her  
**ann (°◡°♡):** UGHHHhhhh

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** we killed ann  
**sh(akira):** The end of an era  
**useless bisexual:** panther found dead in miami  
**rat baby:** hey i’m back, are u guys still talking about banging people or whatever??  
**useless bisexual:** nah dont worry i missed that part of the convo too  
**useless bisexual:** but to answer ur question yes i always vaguely want to bang akira  
**sh(akira):** You flatter me  
**rat baby:** i am UNBELIEVABLY sorry that i asked  
**rat baby:** but i’m guessing makoto hasn’t come back online yet?  
**sh(akira):** No, we were just talking about how gay she is  
**rat baby:** she is extremely gay  
**rat baby:** anyways im gonna livestream a game tonight  
**rat baby:** u guys wanna watch?  
**useless bisexual:** hell yea!!!  
**sh(akira):** I’m in  
**rat baby:** great!  
**rat baby:** i’ll probs start in like 30 mins tho  
**rat baby:** see u guys then

_rat baby is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** aight imma go make some snacks  
**sh(akira):** Make some snacks in my honor  
**useless bisexual:** ,,, i fuckin will dude  
**useless bisexual:** OH btw my mom bought these awesome coffee flavored hard candies yesterday and theyre so good…...  
**useless bisexual:** im gonna eat the entire package in homage to u  
**sh(akira):** Thanks babe  
**sh(akira):** Please don’t get cavities though  
**useless bisexual:** haha too late  
**useless bisexual:** guess i need a dentist cause ur,,, TOO SWEET  
**useless bisexual:** GET IT  
**sh(akira):** That was brilliant  
**useless bisexual:** I KNOW RIGHT  
**sh(akira):** Soon you’ll surpass me in pun proficiency  
**useless bisexual:** im comin for u and ur sicknasty puns  
**useless bisexual:** anyways these candies aint gonna eat themselves  
**useless bisexual:** later

_useless bisexual is now offline_


	7. gay mom triforce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** Yusuke  
>  **sh(akira):** Fucking  
>  **sh(akira):** Come  
>  **sh(akira):** To  
>  **sh(akira):** Leblanc  
>  **sh(akira):** Right  
>  **sh(akira):** Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S CHAPTER 7 Y'ALL out sooner than i expected lmao
> 
> in summary: our boy yusuke returns to the land of the living, akechi gets dunked on for a 2nd time, makoto gets the gf she deserves and the whole squad gets adopted by 3 different people
> 
> (bonus author note, i literally, physically jumped out of the shower this morning without slipping because i somehow found an even funnier way to prank akechi and im so glad i did)

_October 2nd 2016_  
_10:50 am_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Apologies for the absence everyone, but I misplaced my phone for a couple days.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am back now though.  
**rat baby:** u mean u dropped ur phone in a fucken lake??  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That too.  
**sh(akira):** We’re glad to have you back Yusuke  
**sh(akira):** You missed out on Makoto talking about her love life and us talking about who we would smash or pass, though  
**rat baby:** u guys didn’t pass on anyone tho  
**sh(akira):** Exactly  
**sh(akira):** Everyone gets smashed, we don’t discriminate  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That’s very noble of you.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I suppose if we’re still on that subject however, there are a few people at my school who would fit into the “smash” category.  
**rat baby:** hey akira can i kick people out of this chat  
**sh(akira):** No he just got back  
**sh(akira):** Also I’m pretty sure only admins can do that  
**rat baby:** wait i’m not an admin?? ??  
**sh(akira):** Nope, Makoto and I are the only admins  
**sh(akira):** We have absolute power  
**rat baby:** fine whatever, i’ll just hack in and make myself an admin then  
**sh(akira):** Please don’t you’ll topple our monarchy  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Speaking of Makoto, it seems she’s been offline for almost as long as I have.  
**rat baby:** YEAH wtf it’s been a full day since her rooftop meeting with haru  
**rat baby:** i wanna know if this means she’ll stop just talking about girls and finally actually date one  
**rat baby:** she needs a gf so badly i s2g  
**sh(akira):** She deserves like 8 girlfriends for all the shit we make her put up with  
**rat baby:** FR  
**rat baby:** whatever tho, i guess we’ll kno in time  
**rat baby:** this is almost more frustrating than waiting for a change of heart  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It sure seems that way.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Well there’s nothing we can do about that now. How have you two been in my absence?  
**rat baby:** worse now that you’re back  
**sh(akira):** Futaba, be nice  
**sh(akira):** I’ve been fine though, mostly checking up on Ryuji whenever I’m free  
**sh(akira):** Since he’s sick right now  
**rat baby:** still???  
**sh(akira):** Yup  
**sh(akira):** We thought it was allergies at first but then it got worse  
**sh(akira):** So now I think he might have some form of the flu  
**rat baby:** aw shit  
**rat baby:** i hope he doesn’t die or something  
**rat baby:** if he does then i won’t have anybody to yell about anime with anymore  
**sh(akira):** Nah he’ll be fine  
**sh(akira):** His mom’s back in town now so she’ll probably take him somewhere to get actual medicine  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I hope Ryuji gets better as well.  
**sh(akira):** Oh, not to change the subject or anything but Yusuke do you wanna hear a new way Futaba and I found to prank Akechi  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Absolutely.  
**rat baby:** OH YEAH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT  
**rat baby:** it’s pretty great  
**sh(akira):** Ok so we started doing this like a week ago  
**sh(akira):** Basically whenever Akechi is in the café at the same time as either of us, which is almost every day, we have to try and get as physically close as possible to him while flipping him off  
**sh(akira):** But the catch is that he can’t notice either of us, or the game’s over  
**sh(akira):** So far I’m winning with a record of 21 times  
**rat baby:** yeah well i have 19 times as of this morning, so don’t get cocky  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That’s a surprisingly large amount of times.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** How does he not notice you, though?  
**rat baby:** THAT’S THE FUNNY PART we have no idea  
**sh(akira):** He’s in his own head so much of the time that it’s actually pretty easy  
**sh(akira):** I’m 90% sure that he still doesn’t know that we were responsible for the napkin prank  
**sh(akira):** Oh, and we also have to take a photo and send it to the other person as evidence for it to actually count  
**sh(akira):** Here’s a pic that I took just this morning

_sh(akira) sent a picture_

**rat baby:** gNJGFH I SAW THAT ONE  
**rat baby:** that’s probably the best one you’ve taken so far tbh  
**rat baby:** he’s just sitting there drinking his dumb coffee  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** He’s literally sitting right in front of you?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m astounded that a detective couldn't even notice that.  
**sh(akira):** All I did was point at Sayuri and say something about it, I don’t even remember what honestly  
**sh(akira):** And as soon as he looked over there I just took out my phone, flipped him off and took a pic  
**sh(akira):** So thanks for indirectly giving me this victory Yusuke  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** You’re very welcome.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** This is a small victory for the Phantom Thieves.  
**sh(akira):** Actually it’s 40 small victories if you count all the times both Futaba and I have been able to do it  
**rat baby:** most of my pics are taken whenever he walks by my house on the way to leblanc every morning  
**rat baby:** it makes for easy points so it’s pretty great

_rat baby sent a picture_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** He’s so oblivious…  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** This is a rather amusing prank, good job.  
**sh(akira):** I think your pictures are the most hilarious though, Futaba  
**sh(akira):** Like if you eventually compiled all the pictures you’ve taken, they would literally be the same exact picture of him walking by your house holding the same dumb briefcase and wearing the same clothes  
**sh(akira):** And you flipping him off through your bedroom window  
**sh(akira):** That’s just… really hilarious to me for some reason and I don’t know why  
**rat baby:** you can say i’m a comedy genius, it’s alright  
**rat baby:** OH FUCK MAKOTO’S BACK ONLINE FINALLY  
**rat baby:** you can’t hide from us, we see u  
**Makoto Niijima:** Hello Futaba, that was quick.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, and welcome back Yusuke!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Same to you.  
**rat baby:** SO…..???  
**rat baby:** give us the details, i want blackmail material  
**sh(akira):** She doesn’t actually mean that  
**rat baby:** yes i do  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well, if you mean the rooftop meeting, it went fine.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She’s very polite, and she actually mentioned that she notices me hanging around the Shujin gardens after school as well.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Though I was… a bit embarrassed that she noticed that honestly.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, I also took the opportunity to not only compliment her on her succulent garden, but also on the herb garden she recently planted.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Which was very satisfying, to say the least.  
**rat baby:** u guys are cute (^ヮ^)  
**sh(akira):** That’s really great, Makoto  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** She sounds like a very nice girl.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s not even the best part, though.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She mentioned that she would like to meet up again!  
**Makoto Niijima:** However, we’ll most likely be going to a restaurant next time. Maybe I’ll take her to the buffet we all go to sometimes?  
**rat baby:** YOOOOOO  
**rat baby:** ur lucky ann’s not online or she’d be losing her shit lmaooo  
**sh(akira):** Oh shit, speak of the devil  
**ann (°◡°♡):** DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME  
**Makoto Niijima:** Nope!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ahhh congrats makoto !!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** see??? i told you i was the best wingman to ever walk this earth  
**sh(akira):** I can vouch for her, she was also a wingman for me and Ryuji  
**Makoto Niijima:** Really?  
**sh(akira):** Yep  
**sh(akira):** But she was like... actually a separate wingman for both of us at the same time, but we didn’t know that until later  
**sh(akira):** It was pretty funny one we found out though  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m the queen of matchmakers  
**Makoto Niijima:** Wow, I suppose so.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I hope that you and Haru are very happy together in the future.  
**rat baby:** same!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh! Thank you Yusuke… and Futaba, too.  
**Makoto Niijima:** To be honest, I’m still reeling from our conversation on the rooftop even though it was just yesterday....  
**sh(akira):** That’s because you’re gay  
**ann (°◡°♡):** like super gay  
**rat baby:** mega gay  
**Makoto Niijima:** I am aware of this.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But thank you all so much for the best wishes. I’ll be sure to let you know how our first official date goes.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you better!!! and don’t make us wait so long this time!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** I won’t!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, my sister is calling me for something.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll be sure to talk to you all later.

_Makoto Niijima is now offline_

**ann (°◡°♡):** ahhhh…. young love…  
**sh(akira):** Ann, you’re a year younger than her  
**ann (°◡°♡):** shut up  
**rat baby:** wait so if makoto’s girlfriend is also a 3rd year does that mean we finally have 2 moms  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god  
**sh(akira):** I’m ok with this  
**rat baby:** i can’t believe i went from having one mom, to having zero moms, to having two moms  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Coincidentally I am also in the same circumstance as you, Futaba.  
**sh(akira):** I for one, welcome both of our fake moms  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we finally got adopted  
**sh(akira):** Someone had to do it  
**useless bisexual:** fuuuck i slept almost til noon……  
**useless bisexual:** OH WAIT WHAT WHOS OUR MOM  
**sh(akira):** We got adopted by Makoto and her girlfriend  
**sh(akira):** Or, almost girlfriend I guess  
**useless bisexual:** oh shit i have a leg up on u guys cause i got 3 MOMS NOW  
**useless bisexual:** 1 real mom 2 fake moms  
**ann (°◡°♡):** dammit  
**rat baby:** you beat all of us  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** You are truly lucky, Ryuji.  
**useless bisexual:** if u want i can ask my mom to adopt u guys too so we can all have 3 moms  
**ann (°◡°♡):** PLEASE  
**useless bisexual:** ok lemme ask  
**useless bisexual:** SHE SAID YES  
**useless bisexual:** we are now the triple mom squad  
**rat baby:** the holy trinity of moms  
**sh(akira):** Hold on I gotta use that

_sh(akira) renamed the conversation to holy mom trinity_

**sh(akira):** Much better  
**rat baby:** makoto is gonna be so pissed at us when she comes back  
**ann (°◡°♡):** good, this is what she gets for IGNORING US FOR AN ENTIRE DAY  
**sh(akira):** What goes around, comes around  
**rat baby:** ok well i’m bailing before she comes back and puts all of you on her hit list  
**rat baby:** and then literally hits all of u with her motorcycle  
**rat baby:** probably while on her way to pick up her new gf for their date later  
**sh(akira):** We deserve it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** as long as she and haru have a good time i’m alright with getting run over by her enormous bike  
**useless bisexual:** same tbh  
**rat baby:** rip all of u

_rat baby is now offline_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Unfortunately I have weekend homework so I must also depart.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Sadly, going to school on an art scholarship still requires you to take math classes.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are you any good at math yusuke? you seem like the type to be into numbers and stuff….  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Ann, I haven’t eaten real food in almost a week because of my lack of funds.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am not a numbers person.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** jesus christ I WILL BUY YOU LUNCH, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK ME  
**sh(akira):** I will make you fucking homemade curry for free don’t even test me  
**useless bisexual:** its true he does it for me like every week  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That’s very kind, but I’m fine.  
**sh(akira):** Come to Leblanc right now you can do your homework here  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I hate to impose though…  
**sh(akira):** Yusuke  
**sh(akira):** Fucking  
**sh(akira):** Come  
**sh(akira):** To  
**sh(akira):** Leblanc  
**sh(akira):** Right  
**sh(akira):** Now  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** … If you insist.  
**useless bisexual:** are we sure we dont actually have 4 moms  
**ann (°◡°♡):** did this just turn into the council of moms????

_sh(akira) has renamed the conversation to council of moms_

**sh(akira):** Now it did  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wow,,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin christ  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m headed over right now.  
**sh(akira):** You better be

_Yusuke Kitagawa is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** u sure boss aint gonna get mad that youre using all of his curry ingredients??  
**sh(akira):** This is an emergency, I’ll just make something up  
**sh(akira):** I’ll say I got hungry or something and didn’t wanna go out  
**useless bisexual:** nice  
**useless bisexual:** well i still feel sick as hell so imma marathon another anime and hopefully pass out again  
**useless bisexual:** i can hardly fuckin breathe i hate this  
**sh(akira):** Do you want me to make some curry and bring it over later  
**useless bisexual:** ……. maybe  
**sh(akira):** Maybe isn’t an answer  
**useless bisexual:** alrighty fine  
**useless bisexual:** i hate makin u go to the trouble of comin all the way over here just to bring me curry tho  
**sh(akira):** I mean I would have done it regardless, it wasn’t really much of a question  
**sh(akira):** But I’ll be over there in a few hours  
**useless bisexual:** kay thx babe  
**ann (°◡°♡):** awwwww you get boyfriend curry  
**useless bisexual:** i get boyfriend curry like every week but this time its special cause i dont have to get up  
**ann (°◡°♡):** god i wish that were me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i actually have to stand up and sometimes even walk places to get food  
**useless bisexual:** wow that rly sucks  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i know right??  
**useless bisexual:** k well anyways new anime here i come  
**useless bisexual:** ill talk to u guys later when i feel less shitty  
**ann (°◡°♡):** feel better!!!  
**useless bisexual:** damn i wish

_useless bisexual is now offline_


	8. who is she

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Makoto Niijima:** I know, my apologies Ryuji. I just…  
>  **Makoto Niijima:** I really, really like her.  
>  **Makoto Niijima:** A lot.  
>  **Makoto Niijima:** I would gladly hit someone with my motorcycle if they ever threatened her safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy, this chapter was fun to write. i decided to delve back into a more Legit™ writing style for most of this chapter because i feel like i can't introduce haru any other way..... MY GIRL DESERVES THE SPOTLIGHT
> 
> also, as of tomorrow my finals will be over!! summer job here i come lmao,,,,, i hope y'all enjoy the chapter!

“... I just think that if they really cared about the reputation of their restaurant, they’d provide sporks.”

“Futaba, you can’t sit there and complain about the utensils they have just cause you’re too socially anxious to go up there n’ ask for a spoon.”

The five students were all crowded into a single booth in the back of a local diner. Ryuji, Akira, and Futaba sat snugly together one side, while Ann and Yusuke sat more comfortably on the other. The group was fairly loud, mostly because of the lack of other patrons in the diner tonight. Weeknights were pretty slow around here, after all.

Ryuji and Futaba continued to bicker over who would have to go up and ask for said spoon, much to the discomfort of Akira, who was sitting right between the two of them. The rest of the group was still pondering over the menu and figuring out what they wanted to order.

“Remind me why we’re here again?” Futaba asked, clearly distressed over losing the rock-paper-scissors match she and Ryuji had used to determine who would retrieve the spoon.

Ann piped up, “It’s so Makoto can finally introduce us to Haru, remember? I mean we hardly see her around school anyways, so this was the best thing we could come up with.”

Yusuke nodded, “I wouldn’t have been able to see her at your school anyhow, considering I’m not even enrolled there.”

Futaba seemed satisfied with this answer. She then took the opportunity to crawl over both Akira and Ryuji on her quest for her spoon, not so subtly stepping on Akira’s foot as she moved past him. This earned her a pointed glare from him and a laugh from Ryuji.

“Y’know you should hide her fork before she comes back, now that’d be funny.” Ryuji commented once Futaba was out of earshot. Akira just snorted, resettling into Ryuji’s side. “But forreal, when the hell are Makoto and her gal pal or whatever gonna get here? I’m gettin’ a bit worried... I mean it’s been how long exactly?” He paused to ask.

“It’s only been 30 minutes Ryuji,” Ann replied.

“Yeah, see what I mean? That’s a long ass time.”

Ann heaved a sigh, “I mean I guess…” She muttered as she stirred her iced tea, “I’m just impatient to meet Haru, y’know? She totally seems like Makoto’s type now that I think about it.”

Akira chuckled in response, “What’s that supposed to mean? If I recall correctly, you said you thought she was into tough, intimidating girls.”

“That’s exactly what I thought! For a while, anyways. But deep down Makoto is actually pretty shy and sweet, so I think having a girlfriend like that would really suit her.”

“Jeez, sounds like you’ve done your research.” Akira smirked into his coffee.

“I have actually. A few notebook pages worth,” Ann remarked, seeming very proud of this fact.

Before anybody could tell Ann how weird and also kinda gay that was, the bell above the entrance to the diner chimed suddenly and two figures entered through the doorway. 

They all recognized Makoto’s familiar face... but the other belonged to a shy looking girl with fluffy hair. She wore a large, pink sweater over her school uniform and she was around Makoto’s stature, if not chubbier and slightly shorter.

Ah, this must have been Haru.

Before anyone could say anything, Makoto rushed over to their booth and pulled up a couple chairs from the nearby bar. “I’m sorry for the delay, but the engine to my bike wouldn’t start, so we had to take the train in order to get here,” She said in a hurry, clearly distressed.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Ryuji assured, “But more importantly, is this the girl you’ve been tellin’ us about for the past 2 weeks? Like... nonstop?”

Makoto blushed slightly as she looked over at Haru, clearly not expecting Ryuji to say that out loud. Haru however, seemed thrilled to hear this. 

“Oh! You’ve told them about me? That’s very sweet of you,” Haru exclaimed. Makoto simply blushed harder at her affectionate words.

Futaba rounded the corner towards the booth, stopping abruptly once she saw Haru. She then subtly snuck up beside Makoto in order to get a good look at the new addition to their group.

Haru noticed Futaba right away and smiled at her, Futaba attempted to return the smile and took her previous spot in the booth, crawling back over Ryuji and Akira.

“Who might this be?” Haru asked, then frowned slightly. “Actually, I don’t believe I have the pleasure of knowing any of your names. Would you mind introducing yourselves to me?”

“Sure! I’m Ann Takamaki, part time model, full time matchmaker.” Ann gave a friendly wave and Haru waved back with a giggle.

Ryuji cleared his throat, “Don’t let her steal the thunder or anything, she’s not as cool as she thinks. Oh, and I’m Ryuji Sakamoto by the way.” That earned a faux-offended gasp from Ann as she threw her napkin at him.

“I’m Akira Kurusu, and I’m friends with those ones I guess,” He said, pointing to Ann and Yusuke. “And I’m dating this one I guess.” He ruffled Ryuji’s hair as Ryuji stuck his tongue out at him playfully.

Futaba piped up from the back of the booth, leaning over Akira’s shoulder, “I’m Futaba Sakura. Somehow these people harassed me into hanging out with them on a regular basis, so here I am.” Haru simply laughed at that.

“My name is Yusuke Kitagawa. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” He reached out a hand which Haru shook politely.

The rest of the evening seemed much more relaxed after introductions, Haru being quick to adjust to the new group and pick up on everyone’s personalities. She seemed quite shy at first, but quickly came out of her shell once she knew she was in good company. 

That being said, Haru was a charming person to say the least. 

It was obvious that she was quite fond of Makoto, (and Makoto seemed to be head-over-heels for her) but she was actually quite different compared to everyone’s expectations of her. She quickly ditched the shy attitude in exchange for a more expressive, passionate one. It seemed like she could talk about her garden for hours, naming off dozens of flowers, herbs and other plants that most of them hardly recognized or even knew existed. 

However once the subject of her family was brought up, she seemed to hesitate.

Makoto noticed this, putting a hand delicately on her shoulder as if she were afraid she’d startle Haru. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to… it’s alright, we won’t judge.”

Haru shook her head however, “No, it’s fine. I shouldn’t hide it from all of you. You’re all very trustworthy people... and I think you all deserve to know.” Clearing her throat and sitting up a bit straighter, Haru continued. 

“My father is president and owner of Okumura Foods.” She hesitated once again, “I… usually hide my lineage from others, since that seems to be what they base most of their judgements on.”

Ryuji startled slightly at hearing this. “Wait… you mean THE Okumura Foods? The guys who own Big Bang Burger? That’s awesome, dude!”

Akira nodded, “I go there like every week. I think I died after taking that challenge thing, though.”

“I’m surprised anyone can take that challenge, honestly,” Ann muttered, “But more importantly, did you actually win it?”

“Yeah, I did after like 3 tries. I’m pretty sure part of my soul got ejected from my body and is just floating around in that Big Bang Burger location forever now.” 

“Dude nice,” Ryuji help his hand up for a high five, which Akira immediately went for. “You’re like a burger ghost or somethin'.”

Makoto cleared her throat subtly. “ _Anyways_ , I’m glad you chose to share that with us, Haru. If you need us to keep a secret, we will.”

Haru just shook her head, “No, that’s perfectly alright... It’s common knowledge by now, after all. I’m just happy that you all don’t seem to mind it.”

“I only mind if it means we can’t get a discount.” Futaba interjected, immediately getting elbowed by Akira. 

“She means she thinks you’re a wonderful person and would love to get to know you.” He corrected.

Futaba coughed, “T-that too.”

\---

_October 15th 2016_  
_6:39 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** tonight was so fun !!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i definitely give haru the ann stamp of approval  
**sh(akira):** I also give her the Ann stamp of approval  
**ann (°◡°♡):** bitch get your own stamp  
**sh(akira):** Um  
**sh(akira):** Rude  
**useless bisexual:** makoto u should have introduced us earlier????  
**useless bisexual:** haru is fun as hell  
**useless bisexual:** and like…. cute as hell too  
**Makoto Niijima:** Don’t get any ideas, Ryuji.  
**useless bisexual:** im not!!!!!  
**useless bisexual:** im taken too yknow  
**Makoto Niijima:** I know, my apologies Ryuji. I just…  
**Makoto Niijima:** I really, really like her.  
**Makoto Niijima:** A lot.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I would gladly hit someone with my motorcycle if they ever threatened her safety.  
**useless bisexual:** i would pay to watch u hit some poor sap w/ ur bike even if they werent threatening anybody  
**useless bisexual:** i just wanna see it happen  
**sh(akira):** Same  
**Makoto Niijima:** I would never hit an innocent person, who do you think I am?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Also Akira, you’re supposed to be setting an example. You’re our leader.  
**sh(akira):** I know  
**sh(akira):** Nobody ever said it had to be a good example though  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ugh.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Anyhow, I’m glad you all like her as much as I do.  
**Makoto Niijima:** With the exception of the... dating part.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Haru-san is a wonderful individual.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** In fact, she and I have agreed to garden together sometime in the near future.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** She said she would show me the specific steps to gardening, if I show her how to arrange her flowerbeds in an aesthetically pleasing fashion.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well you two sure are getting along swimmingly  
**ann (°◡°♡):** have you ever gardened with her, makoto?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Actually no, I haven’t.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She said she’d teach me at some point, but we usually just end up talking instead of gardening.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s hard to focus on flowers when she’s around.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s the cheesiest thing i’ve ever heard you say  
**Makoto Niijima:** I know…  
**rat baby:** looks like queen has finally gone soft,,,,,,  
**Makoto Niijima:** I have not!  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m only like that when I’m around her.  
**rat baby:** my point exactly  
**sh(akira):** Makoto I think you’re even gayer than I am and I’m not even technically gay  
**useless bisexual:** ur like half gay  
**useless bisexual:** and im half gay  
**useless bisexual:** so whenever were in the same room we equal one whole gay  
**sh(akira):** I mean that’s mathematically correct  
**ann (°◡°♡):** no, you guys equal one whole idiot  
**sh(akira):** Um, actually we equal two whole idiots  
**rat baby:** you guys are all idiots  
**useless bisexual:** i kno u are but what am i  
**rat baby:** WHAT ARE YOU, SIX???  
**useless bisexual:** SIX INCHES DEEP IN AKIRA  
**rat baby:** I’M FUCKING BANNING MYSELF FROM CHAT

********

********

_rat baby has left the group_

**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god ryuji  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she’s dead  
**useless bisexual:** i;m wheezign  
**sh(akira):** I’m laughing really hard right now because I can hear her downstairs yelling at her phone  
**sh(akira):** I’ll add her back when she’s less likely to kill you  
**useless bisexual:** thanks dude  
**moon moon:** Oh wow, Niijima-senpai has a girlfriend??  
**moon moon:** Congrats!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Thank you, Mishima!  
**moon moon:** Also, what the heck happened while I was offline?  
**sh(akira):** Ann insulted me  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji made a sex joke  
**sh(akira):** Futaba banned herself from the chatroom  
**moon moon:** I’ll never get why all the interesting stuff happens while I’m not around…  
**useless bisexual:** ur plenty interesting dude !!!  
**moon moon:** I guess.  
**moon moon:** Anyways I just dropped in to read the chat and say hi.  
**moon moon:** (So hi!!!)  
**moon moon:** Anyways I gotta do history homework now though, see ya!

_moon moon is now offline_

**sh(akira):** Oh yeah we had schoolwork tonight  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh shit  
**Makoto Niijima:** We normally have schoolwork almost every night, though?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah I know  
**sh(akira):** I’m in denial but I also just don’t want to do it  
**sh(akira):** I’ll just say I forgot  
**ann (°◡°♡):** kawakami’s gonna kill youuuuu  
**sh(akira):** I'll duel her in the school parking lot armed with nothing but a pen if I have to  
**sh(akira):** But there’s no way I’m being a responsible teenager right now  
**sh(akira):** There are video games to be played  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you’re really setting a good example for us, leader  
**sh(akira):** I try  
**sh(akira):** Anyways I’m gonna grind for a while  
**sh(akira):** See you all tomorrow

_sh(akira) is now offline_


	9. honey nut feelios

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** are u thinkin ;) what im thinkin ;)  
>  **sh(akira):** Hmmm ;) what’s that ;)  
>  **useless bisexual:** want me to show u the dog i saw today  
>  **sh(akira):** Um do you even need to ask me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a bit longer than usual but HOORAY FOR ME SINCE I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL (for now lmao)
> 
> anyways, a small chapter summary: shiho returns from the lesbian void, pegoryu angst ensues, and yusuke gets a preview of the emoji movie
> 
> hope u guys are having a good week, enjoy the chapter!

_October 16th 2016_  
_12:47 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** Hello everybody!  
**sh(akira):** Normally I would greet you back by saying something like “Hello Ann”  
**sh(akira):** But Ann never types with capitalization so who are you  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Lol you caught me. It’s Shiho.  
**sh(akira):** Oh hey Shiho, long time no see  
**useless bisexual:** DID SOMEONE SAY SHIHO  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Yep! Shiho said Shiho.  
**useless bisexual:** HEY DUDE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** So wait who is who on here?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I mean I probably know you, I just don’t recognize your Skype names.  
**useless bisexual:** oh i forgot u dont have us added on here  
**useless bisexual:** im ryuji and thats akira  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Oh! Yep I definitely remember you guys. How are you both?  
**sh(akira):** Pretty good  
**useless bisexual:** eh i cant complain  
**useless bisexual:** so did u steal her phone or somethin ???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Yeah, we’re having a movie marathon and she’s in the bathroom rn.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I was originally just gonna take selfies on her phone, but then I saw Skype open and decided to say hello to all of her friends.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** So hello friends!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Her phone is super easy to get into too, her password is literally my name with 04 behind it  
**sh(akira):** That’s fucking adorable  
**sh(akira):** Next time she comes over I’m breaking into her phone and changing all her contact pics to pics of Morgana  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Who’s that?  
**sh(akira):** My cat  
**sh(akira):** He says hi  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Hi kitty!!!!  
**useless bisexual:** so what have u been up to since moving and all that??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Hmmm… well my life has been a lot less chaotic since then haha.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I’m sure Ann probably told you guys, but I really like my new school!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Not that Shujin was terrible, but it just brings back so many bad memories…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I don’t think I could go back there even if I wanted to.  
**useless bisexual:** nah we totally get it  
**useless bisexual:** i mean dont get me wrong i was like SUPER close to leavin shujin too  
**useless bisexual:** but i couldnt just abandon everybody in this hellhole  
**useless bisexual:** especially not after i met akira n the others  
**sh(akira):** I wouldn’t have blamed you honestly  
**useless bisexual:** nah dude i could never leave u there  
**useless bisexual:** ur too important to me  
**useless bisexual:** but ANYWAYS shujin is like super lame without u here shiho  
**sh(akira):** Yeah it’s true  
**sh(akira):** I mean not that Shujin wasn’t super lame from the start or anything  
**sh(akira):** Because it still is  
**sh(akira):** But now it’s double lame  
**useless bisexual:** mega lame  
**sh(akira):** Ultra lame  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Haha, I miss you guys too.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Oh shoot, I can hear her coming back upstairs.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I have to go. But I’ll ask her to send me your contact info so we can keep talking!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** Bye everybody!!!  
**useless bisexual:** BYE SHIHO  
**sh(akira):** See ya

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** shes so sweet tbh  
**useless bisexual:** ann is hella lucky  
**sh(akira):** She probably knows that  
**useless bisexual:** u kno ann is probably gonna change her password now that she knows we all know what it is lmao  
**sh(akira):** I’ll just ask Futaba to hack her phone so I can still change all her contact pics  
**sh(akira):** That’s literally all I want to do  
**sh(akira):** Morgana’s beautiful face deserves to be seen  
**useless bisexual:** no it doesnt  
**useless bisexual:** also shes probably gonna murder u anyways  
**sh(akira):** She’s gotta catch me first  
**sh(akira):** Also I think this is the first time we’ve been the only ones online in group chat  
**useless bisexual:** holy shit ur right  
**useless bisexual:** so…... since u and me are completely alone……..  
**useless bisexual:** are u thinkin ;) what im thinkin ;)  
**sh(akira):** Hmmm ;) what’s that ;)  
**useless bisexual:** want me to show u the dog i saw today  
**sh(akira):** Um do you even need to ask me

_useless bisexual sent a picture_

**useless bisexual:** behold  
**sh(akira):** Oh my god is that a chow chow  
**useless bisexual:** YES  
**useless bisexual:** ISN’T IT THE BIGGEST GODDAMN CHOW CHOW YOUVE EVER SEEN  
**sh(akira):** He’s wonderful  
**sh(akira):** He looks like a small bear  
**useless bisexual:** DOESNT HE????  
**useless bisexual:** i saw this big guy at the market right next to my house when i was shopping w/ my mom  
**sh(akira):** Pfft you still shop with your mom  
**useless bisexual:** shut up she likes the company  
**useless bisexual:** anyways i asked the owner if i could take pics of his dog and he was like yeah go for it  
**useless bisexual:** he was such a sweet dog too……. like im pretty sure if i had to choose a dog to ride into battle that dog would be him  
**sh(akira):** You can’t ride dogs Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** NOT W/ THAT ATTITUDE U CANT  
**useless bisexual:** i would die for this dog  
**sh(akira):** Same honestly  
**sh(akira):** He looks like a very trustworthy dog  
**useless bisexual:** im sure he is man  
**useless bisexual:** im sure he is  
**sh(akira):** Oh speaking of things we would die for, I think I accidentally adopted a kid today  
**useless bisexual:** wtf  
**useless bisexual:** akira i cant be a father yet  
**sh(akira):** Oh same but that’s not what I meant  
**sh(akira):** I was in Akihabara to buy the new tv I finally saved up for  
**sh(akira):** And I walked by this arcade where there was this group of grade schoolers bullying another kid  
**sh(akira):** Apparently I’m very good at scaring small children because as soon as I walked in there they all booked it  
**useless bisexual:** u can be pretty scary sometimes  
**useless bisexual:** its kinda hot  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**sh(akira):** Anyways as soon as they left I asked the other kid if he was ok, and he said yeah  
**sh(akira):** So I stayed for a little bit just to make sure, and he taught me how to play this new shooter game they have there  
**sh(akira):** He’s REALLY good at it too  
**sh(akira):** He didn’t have any money for lunch either and his mom was at work  
**sh(akira):** So I got him lunch  
**sh(akira):** And now we made an agreement to meet at the arcade like once a week to play shooter games and get food  
**sh(akira):** I would fucking die for this kid  
**useless bisexual:** he sounds like a pretty good kid  
**sh(akira):** He really is  
**sh(akira):** His name’s Shinya. His family’s going through some rough shit right now though, so that’s why he’s getting bullied apparently  
**sh(akira):** Which is fucking stupid. I’ve never wanted to punch grade schoolers as much as I’ve wanted to punch those ones  
**useless bisexual:** pls dont go around punching kids  
**useless bisexual:** i dont wanna bail u out of jail  
**sh(akira):** I won’t actually do it, I’ll just think about it a lot  
**sh(akira):** Also his mom is never home which is way too relatable, and he said he doesn’t really have a dad around either  
**sh(akira):** Which sadly is also very relatable since both my parents weren’t super involved in my life as a kid  
**sh(akira):** And still aren’t really that involved  
**useless bisexual:** :(  
**sh(akira):** So I’ve decided to become both his parents now  
**useless bisexual:** good for u dude  
**useless bisexual:** be the change u wanna see in the world or whatever  
**useless bisexual:** i think i read that somewhere  
**sh(akira):** A very inspirational quote  
**sh(akira):** But I seriously have a problem  
**sh(akira):** First I got a temporary dad, then a cat, then basically the equivalent of a sister, and now I have a kid  
**sh(akira):** This is getting fucking ridiculous  
**useless bisexual:** hey dont forget ur drug dealer and weapons dealer  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah, I can’t believe I actually forgot them  
**sh(akira):** But do you see my problem, Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** it aint a problem dude!!!  
**useless bisexual:** u just really genuinely care about people  
**useless bisexual:** tbh i wish more people were like u  
**sh(akira):** I guess  
**sh(akira):** I just… fuck dude  
**useless bisexual:** ?  
**useless bisexual:** whats on ur mind?  
**sh(akira):** ...I don’t wanna leave Tokyo  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah a lot of shitty things have happened and we’ve met a lot of shitty people  
**sh(akira):** But this place is where I belong  
**sh(akira):** I don’t want to go back to my stupid home out in the middle of fucksville or wherever  
**sh(akira):** I want to stay here with you and Sojiro and Futaba and Ann and Makoto and Yusuke  
**sh(akira):** Shit, I even wanna keep waking up to Morgana practically fucking smothering me in my sleep every morning  
**sh(akira):** I didn’t wanna get attached but I fucking did and now I feel more connected to everyone here than I did in my actual hometown  
**useless bisexual:** dude……..  
**sh(akira):** Sorry, I got a bit ranty there  
**sh(akira):** I’m done now  
**useless bisexual:** its alright u dont have to apologize  
**useless bisexual:** like u should NEVER have to apologize for ur feelings  
**useless bisexual:** ever  
**sh(akira):** ... Ok  
**useless bisexual:** but hey if it makes u feel any better i feel the same way  
**useless bisexual:** sometimes i forget ur here on fuckin probation and that ur gonna have to leave at the end of the year  
**useless bisexual:** and it makes me feel a lot of shit  
**useless bisexual:** but mostly it makes me feel glad that i met u when i did  
**useless bisexual:** …… and it also makes me wanna fuckin punch a wall but thats less poetic  
**sh(akira):** No dude punching walls is super poetic  
**sh(akira):** But thanks. For listening, I mean  
**useless bisexual:** i will literally always listen to u forever man  
**useless bisexual:** u dont gotta thank me  
**sh(akira):** But for real when I eventually have to leave, you bet your ass I’m gonna text you every day and call you like every night  
**sh(akira):** Same goes for the others too  
**sh(akira):** I’ll visit like once a month if I can  
**useless bisexual:** its gonna be so weird without u here  
**useless bisexual:** who the hell am i gonna make fun of akechi with  
**sh(akira):** But we all make fun of Akechi  
**useless bisexual:** yeah that was a dumb question  
**useless bisexual:** but hey no more boyfriend curry so thats kinda sad  
**sh(akira):** I can always just mail it to you  
**useless bisexual:** no man thats gross??  
**sh(akira):** I’ll prevent it from spoiling through sheer willpower alone  
**useless bisexual:** i believe in u  
**sh(akira):** Anyways I think I used up all my emotions for today so I’m gonna take a depression nap  
**sh(akira):** I’ll be back in a few hours  
**useless bisexual:** enjoy that sad nap bro  
**sh(akira):** I’ll try

_sh(akira) is now offline_

\---

_October 16th 2016_  
_10:44 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** I LITERALLY JUST CHECKED MY PHONE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** SHIHO WHAT THE HELL  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys are all enablers ughhhhh  
**useless bisexual:** ur girlfriend loves messing w/ you just as much as we do  
**ann (°◡°♡):** the things i do for love……  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also did we ever add futaba back???  
**sh(akira):** Oh fuck hold on

_sh(akira) added rat baby to the group_

**rat baby:** BITCH IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH  
**rat baby:** i will change the font on your phone to comic sans don’t even test me  
**sh(akira):** Please anything but that  
**sh(akira):** Besides, I’ve already punished myself enough today  
**sh(akira):** Well it was by accident, but still  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that just makes it sound inappropriate  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t know you were into that, akira??  
**useless bisexual:** hNFJJGD  
**sh(akira):** I mean I never said I wasn’t, but that’s not what I’m getting at  
**rat baby:** what’d u do???  
**sh(akira):** Ok so this is gonna sound super dumb  
**sh(akira):** But literally all the clothes I brought with me are in the wash right now and I don’t have any spares  
**sh(akira):** So I’m wearing nothing but a comforter right now and I’m freezing my ass off  
**rat baby:** that is…. the most idiotic thing i have ever heard of you doing, ever  
**sh(akira):** I know, but here’s the worst part  
**sh(akira):** The laundromat is closed, so I had to ask Sojiro to take them home and wash them at his place and just bring them back tomorrow  
**sh(akira):** Which means that I’m stuck, naked, in the attic of a cafe until he comes into work tomorrow morning  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akira i’m sorry but that’s really fucking funny to me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and also dumb  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but mostly funny  
**sh(akira):** I’m glad I can be a source of entertainment for you  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so am i  
**ann (°◡°♡):** by the way, ryuji’s gotten awful quiet (¬‿¬)  
**useless bisexual:** sorry im just tryna shake the image of u wearin nothin but a comforter  
**useless bisexual:** i just….  
**useless bisexual:** oh man…..  
**ann (°◡°♡):** WOW  
**useless bisexual:** IM SORRY ITS HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT OK  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are you sure that’s not the only thing that’s hard???  
**useless bisexual:** I;M,,,,,,,

_rat baby has left the group_

**useless bisexual:** SHE DIDN’T EVEN FUCKIN SAY ANYTHING THIS TIME  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hooooooly shit  
**sh(akira):** We need to start a counter for how many times we verbally murder Futaba  
**sh(akira):** So far the score is two  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT’S NOT A CONTEST  
**sh(akira):** Alright fine  
**sh(akira):** I’ll add her back, hold on  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Has Futaba left chat again?  
**useless bisexual:** yup  
**useless bisexual:** and i didnt even make the sex joke this time  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That is quite remarkable.

_sh(akira) added rat baby to the group_

**ann (°◡°♡):** we promise we’ll stop making dick jokes  
**rat baby:** that’s a lie but i’ll stay anyway  
**rat baby:** also i hope you know that i’m changing all your guys’ default phone fonts to comic sans right now  
**ann (°◡°♡):** noo ooo ooooooo,,,,,  
**rat baby:** REVENGE  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I think Comic Sans is a delightful font.  
**useless bisexual:** nJJSHFHK  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke really??? i thought you were supposed to appreciate art??  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But I do.  
**rat baby:** ……. alright everyone is comic sans except yusuke  
**rat baby:** bitch you’re getting papyrus just for saying that  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Either one is acceptable to me.  
**rat baby:** seriously?  
**rat baby:** alright, are there any fonts you don’t like?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Any font that I can read is a good font.  
**rat baby:** oh, well in that case wingdings it is  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I… regret making this information known.  
**rat baby:** TOO LATE  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ✌︎☼︎☜︎ ✡︎⚐︎  
**useless bisexual:** oh my fucking god  
**sh(akira):** You actually did it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** AHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ⚐︎☟︎  
**useless bisexual:** we created a monster  
**useless bisexual:** akira i think u kno what to do  
**sh(akira):** I do indeed  
**sh(akira):** We’ll never forget you, Futaba  
**useless bisexual:** rest in piss  
**rat baby:** wait what

_sh(akira) has kicked rat baby from the group_

**sh(akira):** It is complete  
**useless bisexual:** the ritual is done  
**ann (°◡°♡):** why do we do these things  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ⚐︎ ☜︎❄︎☟︎☜︎☼︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ✡ ☟︎✌︎✞︎☜︎ ✌︎☜︎✌︎☟︎⚐ ❄︎⚐︎☟︎✡︎ ☞︎☜︎❄ ❄︎⚐⚐︎☼✍︎  
**useless bisexual:** oh fuck uh  
**useless bisexual:** sorry buddy we cant understand u  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ✌︎✌︎✌︎☼︎☜︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ❄︎☟︎✌︎❄︎.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ✡︎⚐︎❄︎ ✌︎☞︎❄︎✌︎✌︎❄︎⚐︎ ❄︎☟︎☜︎ ☝︎☼︎⚐︎☟︎✌︎❄︎.  
**sh(akira):** Shit I can’t read that  
**sh(akira):** Hold on I’ll add her back so she can help

_sh(akira) added rat baby to the group_

**rat baby:** WILL U MAKE UP UR FUCKING MIND  
**rat baby:** am i in phantom jail or am i not in phantom jail  
**sh(akira):** I just paid your phantom bail, you’re free  
**rat baby:** thank god i BETTER fucking be  
**useless bisexual:** can u help yusuke hes a little bit fucked  
**rat baby:** he’s more than a little bit fucked  
**rat baby:** but yeah i can help  
**rat baby:** alright inari say something  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Is it over...?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Oh, it appears my font settings are back to normal.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** HE LIVES  
**sh(akira):** Welcome back my beautiful boy  
**rat baby:** mess with me again and i’ll turn ALL your guys’ default fonts into wingdings  
**sh(akira):** Please don’t  
**useless bisexual:** yeah i enjoy not sounding like an emoji robot  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Thank you, Futaba.  
**rat baby:** why are you thanking me?? i’m the one who fucked up your font in the first place  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes, but you also fixed it.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** So that is why I am thanking you.  
**rat baby:** :/  
**rat baby:** u confuse me so much sometimes,,,,,  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** My apologies.  
**rat baby:** NO IDIOT DON’T APOLOGIZE  
**rat baby:** JUST  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ?  
**rat baby:** ughhhhhhh  
**rat baby:** you’re hopeless  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do you always react like this when people are nice to you?  
**rat baby:** NO  
**rat baby:** well maybe sometimes  
**useless bisexual:** thats ok i freak out when people are nice to me too  
**rat baby:** anxiety is stupid and dumb and i hate it  
**useless bisexual:** i hear ya  
**sh(akira):** Are you guys anxiety friends now  
**rat baby:** we should just rename the phantom thieves to anxiety friends tbh  
**useless bisexual:** yeah its a lot catchier  


_sh(akira) renamed the conversation to anxiety friends_

**sh(akira):** Done and done  
**useless bisexual:** i swear to fuck  
**rat baby:** NICE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m so done i s2g

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO APPARENTLY AO3 HATES WINGDINGS FONT and didn't save all the characters i'd typed in. so in case any of u ran yusuke's parts thru a wingdings translator and came out with a bunch of gibberish, this is what he actually said:
> 
> -Are you sure this is an acceptable form of revenge?  
> -Oh my.  
> -Do either of you know how to restore my font settings to normal?  
> -I am aware of that.  
> -Futaba must be added back to chat.


	10. local gardener joins a cult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Yusuke Kitagawa:** Is nobody here aware of what a lobster is?  
>  **rat baby:** i know what they are, i just think they kinda look like bugs  
>  **rat baby:** like if a xenomorph fucked a tuna or something  
>  **useless bisexual:** RIGHT???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow 4 days without an update??? are u dead??? unfortunately no i'm still alive, i just have a job now. and jobs are H A R D. 
> 
> also i've been playing hotline miami and it's addicting as hell. the soundtrack is bomb, pls buy this game.
> 
> anywho this chapter might contain p5 spoilers??? maybe??? if u haven't gotten to haru's introduction and don't wanna be spoiled whatsoever i guess don't read this chapter. but they're super minor spoilers and don't really affect the plot of the main game, so you'll probably be fine.
> 
> (also there are spoilers for the end of naruto in here. yes i know that everyone knows how naruto ended. yes i'm still putting a warning for it.)
> 
> hope u guys are having a good week, pls enjoy !!

_October 18th 2016_  
_4:45 pm_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Hello everyone, I seem to have gotten myself into quite a situation.  
**useless bisexual:** did u accidentally drink paint water instead of real water again  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Thankfully not, but that was also quite a situation.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It seems I’ve misplaced one of my lobsters.  
**useless bisexual:** wait u fuckin kept those things????  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Of course. They are very calming creatures.  
**useless bisexual:** .. …. alright im not gonna comment on that  
**useless bisexual:** but how the fuck do u lose an entire lobster  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I was cleaning out their tank after class today and had to place them both in a bucket until I was done.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** However, one of them figured out how to tip the bucket over and ended up escaping.  
**useless bisexual:** those are some fuckin,,,, smart ass lobsters  
**useless bisexual:** well that one is smart anyways  
**useless bisexual:** what about the other one???  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It sat patiently in the bucket until I was done.  
**useless bisexual:** wow thats loyal  
**useless bisexual:** youve got yourself a friend for life  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Indeed.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But I am still short one lobster.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That is why I would like to call a thieves meeting at my dorm to have everyone assist in catching it.  
**useless bisexual:** ok first of all thats a dumb reason to have a thieves meeting  
**useless bisexual:** and second of all no im not searchin for ur crusty ass lookin mermaid scorpion  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It’s a lobster.  
**useless bisexual:** i kno that but it looks like a demonic fish with antennas  
**useless bisexual:** i aint touchin that shit  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** They are beautiful in their own way.  
**rat baby:** hey losers i’m back online  
**rat baby:** whoa what the hell, did inari lose one of his weird waterbug things  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Is nobody here aware of what a lobster is?  
**rat baby:** i know what they are, i just think they kinda look like bugs  
**rat baby:** like if a xenomorph fucked a tuna or something  
**useless bisexual:** RIGHT???  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Either way, yes I lost one of my lobsters while cleaning their tank today.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Do you think you could message Akira and ask him to come online? I need to call a thieves meeting.  
**rat baby:** i mean he probably won’t call a meeting just to find your dumb alien fish, but yeah i can  
**rat baby:** i’m totally gonna tell him that i leaked ugly sleeping pics of him on the plane ride back from his hawaii trip just to see how he reacts  
**rat baby:** that should definitely get him online  
**useless bisexual:** tell him u also leaked the pics i took where he fell asleep and me n mishima put his glasses on upside down  
**useless bisexual:** and it took him like 10 minutes to notice after he woke up  
**rat baby:** of course  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** What must be done, must be done I suppose. As long as it works.  
**rat baby:** it will  
**moon moon:** Did someone mention my name in here?  
**useless bisexual:** eyyyyy mishima  
**useless bisexual:** yeah it was me i was just talkin about the hawaii trip  
**moon moon:** Oh cool!  
**moon moon:** Yeah, that was a fun trip but I’m glad it was only a few days.  
**useless bisexual:** well i wish we could have been there FOREVER  
**useless bisexual:** hawaii was fuckin sweet  
**useless bisexual:** me and akira got to try a bunch of weird food and buy a shitload of stuff we didn’t need  
**useless bisexual:** it was great  
**moon moon:** I just wish I would have had someone to spend time with on the trip…  
**moon moon:** Maybe then it would have been more enjoyable.  
**useless bisexual:** aw im sorry to hear that man :(  
**moon moon:** It’s alright.  
**moon moon:** Anyways, what’s this about someone losing a lobster??  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** At last, someone referred to it correctly.  
**sh(akira):** Futaba you better delete those pictures right now I swear to fuck  
**moon moon:** Oh hey Akira!  
**moon moon:** Uhhhh.... what pictures?  
**rat baby:** haha u just got PRANK’D  
**rat baby:** i didn’t post any of them but i still have them saved  
**sh(akira):** Delete  
**sh(akira):** Them  
**rat baby:** :3c  
**sh(akira):** I’ll hide your anime figurines  
**rat baby:** N O  
**sh(akira):** Oh, and yeah Yusuke we can help you find your lobsters  
**useless bisexual:** are u fuckin serious???  
**sh(akira):** They’re important to him  
**useless bisexual:** i mean yeah i guess……  
**useless bisexual:** hey mishima u wanna cover lobster duty for me?  
**moon moon:** Lobster duty??  
**useless bisexual:** yep  
**useless bisexual:** u get to see the kosei dorms AND u get to hunt for yusukes weird mutated crab thingy  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Lobster.  
**useless bisexual:** yeah that  
**moon moon:** Actually, I don’t think I’ve met Yusuke in person before...  
**useless bisexual:** well hey the sooner the better  
**useless bisexual:** this can be like a bonding thing for u then  
**moon moon:** I mean if you think it’ll be ok, then sure?  
**useless bisexual:** totally dude  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I look forward to your help.  
**sh(akira):** Alright, Mishima and I will meet at the Kosei dorms  
**sh(akira):** We’ll be there in like 30-40 minutes  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I await your arrival.  
**moon moon:** Ok !!!

\---

_October 18th 2016_  
_6:07 pm_

**sh(akira):** This is just an FYI, but we found Yusuke’s lobster  
**useless bisexual:** where was the lil shit hiding anyways  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It had somehow gotten behind the vending machine on the floor directly beneath mine.  
**useless bisexual:** that thing can climb down stairs??  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Indeed, unless it decided to take the elevator.  
**useless bisexual:** oh ha ha real funny  
**useless bisexual:** but anywho congrats on finding ur weird dog  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** … I won’t even argue at this point, but thank you.  
**sh(akira):** Hey Yusuke I found a video of your lobster  
**sh(akira):** [a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVecSyZJbUU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVecSyZJbUU)  
**useless bisexual:** I KNEW U WERE GONNA SEND THAT  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** What a talented lobster.  
**rat baby:** i haven’t even clicked on the link, but is that video what i think it is  
**sh(akira):** Most likely, yes  
**rat baby:** by the way where the hell has makoto been?? /??  
**rat baby:** it’s been like 2 days is she ignoring us again  
**sh(akira):** I mean exams are coming up and she has a girlfriend now, so she’s probably pretty busy  
**sh(akira):** Either that or yeah she’s just ignoring us again  
**rat baby:** hmmmmmm  
**rat baby:** i’m gonna spam text her until she comes online  
**useless bisexual:** pls dont do that youll die  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am also curious as to where Makoto has been.  
**sh(akira):** I mean same, but she likes to keep to herself most of the time so I’d just leave her alone  
**Makoto Niijima:** Futaba can you please stop spamming me?  
**rat baby:** now i can  
**useless bisexual:** yoooo queen is back  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m very sorry for my absence, but I have some important news.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I just… wasn’t sure when the best time to share it would be.  
**sh(akira):** You can tell us  
**rat baby:** SPILL IT  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Futaba, be patient.  
**rat baby:** don’t fucken tell me what to do  
**Makoto Niijima:** Can you two please stop fighting for at least 2 seconds?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes.  
**rat baby:** no  
**sh(akira):** Just go on Makoto  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well, it’s about Haru.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She knows abous us.  
**useless bisexual:** well yeah duh we met her last week  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, I mean she knows we’re the Phantom Thieves.  
**useless bisexual:** WHAT  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well… more specifically she knows that I’m a Phantom Thief.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m not sure if she’s made the connection that all of you are as well, but that’s definitely a possibility.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** How did she come across this information?  
**Makoto Niijima:** It started because she asked me.  
**Makoto Niijima:** And I know we’re supposed to keep our identities hidden, and I KNOW I’m so adamant about us staying in the dark but… I told her.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I just couldn’t lie to her. I trusted her, and I still do.  
**useless bisexual:** makoto cmon  
**Makoto Niijima:** My apologies...  
**useless bisexual:** ok but how did she react tho??  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well, here’s the interesting part.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She said that she wanted to be a Phantom Thief too. Normally this wouldn’t be possible without a persona, correct?  
**Makoto Niijima:** But she has one. She has a persona.  
**useless bisexual:** NOPE NO NUH UH  
**useless bisexual:** no fuckin way that girl has a persona  
**rat baby:** did you actually see it?? with your own eyeballs??  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, but she described it to me. And she also has the Metanav app, I checked her phone.  
**Makoto Niijima:** All of her evidence checks out… I don’t know what to do.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** This is all very troublesome.  
**rat baby:** you sure it’s not just a fake app and she’s pulling your leg??  
**Makoto Niijima:** How would she know all these things if this were just some elaborate joke?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Her descriptions of the Metaverse were crude, but accurate. Apparently her father has a palace that she’s been exploring for a few days now.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s where she said she awakened to her powers.  
**useless bisexual:** what the actual fuck  
**rat baby:** should we…..let her join??  
**rat baby:** i mean she’s already a persona user right??? and she’s been inside a palace before too  
**rat baby:** i think she’d be a nice addition to the team  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ultimately, it’s up to Akira and the rest of the team as well. I’m just still in shock that this actually happened.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It would be nice to have her on the team, but… I don’t want her to get hurt.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I want to protect her.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But I’m afraid that might be a bit more difficult while in the Metaverse...  
**rat baby:** akira you’re being way too quiet  
**rat baby:** what’s your opinion on this whole thing??  
**sh(akira):** Hmmm  
**sh(akira):** Sorry for not chiming in or anything but this is pretty serious  
**sh(akira):** I mean we’ve met her and everything, but we don’t know if she even has the capability to be a Phantom Thief  
**Makoto Niijima:** If you ask me, I think she does.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It scares me to imagine if she got hurt, but you must remember she’s been traversing her father’s palace for a while now.  
**sh(akira):** … Yeah you’re right  
**sh(akira):** I mean she’s the only other persona user we know, so she must be doing something right  
**sh(akira):** I think we should take her in  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Haru is surprisingly tough, she will be fine.  
**useless bisexual:** i mean….. whatever u guys say im on board  
**useless bisexual:** she doesnt seem like the phantom thief type but maybe im wrong  
**sh(akira):** Makoto you should add her on here as well as the main Phantom Thieves chat  
**sh(akira):** We’ll talk to her about it  
**Makoto Niijima:** Can do.

_Makoto Niijima added ✧* Haru Okumura ✧* to the group_

**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh! Um, hello.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Haru, This is one of our Phantom Thief chat groups.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You’ve already met everybody in here... except Mishima of course. He’s the head admin of the Phansite.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But you mentioned you wanted to join the Phantom Thieves, so here we are.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ah, these are your friends from the diner, yes?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, they are. We wanted to talk to you about joining our group.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I had a feeling you were all connected somehow…. I suppose I was right.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But yes, I do wish to join the Phantom Thieves and ultimately change my father’s heart.  
**sh(akira):** Hey this is Akira, I’m technically our leader  
**sh(akira):** But why do you want to change your father’s heart so badly? What’d he do?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Awful things…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Overworking his employees, underpaying them, company fraud…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Too many things to list.  
**useless bisexual:** damn…….  
**useless bisexual:** oh sorry this is ryuji btw  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am Yusuke, as you can probably tell by the username.  
**rat baby:** this is futaba  
**rat baby:** ann’s offline rn but she’s probably studying for exams  
**rat baby:** anyways she’s in here too  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I see.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** It’s good to speak to you again, everyone!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It’s nice to speak with you too.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Haru, Do you think you would be able to show us your father’s palace?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh absolutely!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I just wasn’t sure if you’d want me in your group or not.  
**sh(akira):** Well persona users are pretty few and far between  
**sh(akira):** So yeah we’ll give it a shot  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Thank you very much !  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Would you mind if we met up tomorrow after class?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** At the same diner as last time?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I can walk you to the location of my father’s palace from there, if that’s alright with you.  
**useless bisexual:** sounds good to me  
**rat baby:** yeah i’m down  
**sh(akira):** That would be great, Haru  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s a deal then.  
**Makoto Niijima:** We’ll see you tomorrow Haru!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Bye Mako-chan! （´∇｀）

_✧* Haru Okumura ✧* is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** lmao she calls u mako chan???  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s just a nickname!  
**rat baby:** it’s fucken cute is what it is  
**rat baby:** but anyways i think haru is pretty nice  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, she’ll get along with everybody just fine  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I look forward to her joining us.

\---

_October 19th 2016_  
_7:08 am_

**ann (°◡°♡):** WHAT THE FUCK  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i haven’t checked my notifications until this morning but haru has a persona???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and she figured us out???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what the fuck  
**useless bisexual:** now u kno how i feel  
**sh(akira):** She’s meeting at the diner with us after class today  
**sh(akira):** So be prepared  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well gee thanks for the notice （；¬＿¬)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** couldn’t one of you have texted me earlier?  
**useless bisexual:** uh  
**useless bisexual:** probably  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ughhh hhhhh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** fine whatever, i’ll just mentally prepare during lunch or something  
**sh(akira):** It’ll be ok, we’re just scoping out her dad’s palace  
**sh(akira):** No big deal  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it better not be  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean don’t get me wrong i love haru, i’m just not in the mood to take down a palace so close to exams y’know  
**useless bisexual:** ohhh yeah futaba mentioned u were probably studying last night  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah, i was  
**ann (°◡°♡):** unlike SOME people  
**useless bisexual:** ur point???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i just hope haru adjusts to thief life easily enough  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she seems like the sensitive type  
**sh(akira):** She’ll be fine  
**sh(akira):** I just hope she’s not intimidated by me or anything  
**useless bisexual:** nah dude ur too fluffy to be intimidating  
**useless bisexual:** also u look like a nerd  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah akira you’re not intimidating at all, lmao  
**sh(akira):** Um what the fuck  
**sh(akira):** I am offended  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do you remember when you tried stealing some of the money in kaneshiro’s palace  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and makoto told you that it was fake and you just ended up crying??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** like, you were just sitting there on the floor holding a shitload of fake cash and crying  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen  
**sh(akira):** Are my emotions a joke to you  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO I’VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU CRY OVER SOMETHING SO STUPID BEFORE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** actually i don’t think i’ve seen you cry over anything except that  
**sh(akira):** I cried when you took me to see that one movie like a few months ago  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well yeah but that’s different  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m talking about real stuff that matters  
**useless bisexual:** he cried when we finished naruto  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are you fucking serious  
**useless bisexual:** yeah we both did  
**sh(akira):** He became the Hokage  
**sh(akira):** I was so fucking happy  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys are ridiculous,,,,,  
**ann (°◡°♡):** SHIT i’m gonna be late for school  
**ann (°◡°♡):** talk to you guys later  
**sh(akira):** Bye ann  
**useless bisexual:** see ya

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_


	11. WWE phantom thieves edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rat baby:** legends say that if you chant akechi’s name in front of a mirror three times, ryuji sakamoto will materialize behind you and call you a bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmm it's here bois
> 
> this week has been pretty hectic for me, but luckily i was able to get this chapter out on time!! i'm also working on a couple separate (nsfw-ish whoops) p5/pegoryu fics that i might post alongside this one at some point??? maybe??? there's 2 of them, they're spicy and they're still in the works so keep an eye out
> 
> anyways in this chapter be prepared for lots of haru and lots of metaphorical violence
> 
> (also if anybody knows where to purchase a marshmallow gun please let me know. i need it for science and also entertainment)

_October 21st 2016_  
_9:25 pm_

**rat baby:** guys i have a problem  
**rat baby:** i think i’m running out of ways to prank akechi  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NOOOO  
**sh(akira):** That’s impossible, there are always ways to prank akechi  
**rat baby:** I KNOW but i’m running out of actual good ones  
**rat baby:** the best thing i could come up with is us buying one of those marshmallow guns and shooting him whenever he comes into the cafe  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’d be hilarious  
**sh(akira):** That’d be harassment  
**rat baby:** it’s not harassment if we only do it once  
**rat baby:** we’ll keep it right next to the attic stairs, so if you hear him come in you can run down there and marshmallow the fuck outta him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do it akira  
**sh(akira):** Ok first of all, I’m still on probation  
**sh(akira):** Second of all, Sojiro would probably suplex me into a dumpster if he saw me do that  
**ann (°◡°♡):** DO IT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO FEAR  
**sh(akira):** Two fears actually  
**sh(akira):** Being arrested again, and being curbstomped by my pseudo dad  
**rat baby:** alright fiiiiine  
**rat baby:** i’ll try and think of something else  
**rat baby:** but honestly nothing else really seems that worthy  
**sh(akira):** Hmmmmm  
**sh(akira):** Why don’t we ask Haru  
**sh(akira):** She’s new to this, so she might have some good prank ideas  
**rat baby:** hey yeah!  
**rat baby:** haru do you have any good ideas for pranks we could pull on akechi??  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** My apologies, but I’m not really one for that sort of thing…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I didn’t have anyone to prank when I was younger, so I never did it.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** honestly i was usually the one being pranked as a kid  
**ann (°◡°♡):** mostly by shiho  
**rat baby:** i could believe that  
**rat baby:** tbh i didn’t really have people to prank either, i just pranked people online  
**sh(akira):** I used to prank my neighbors a lot in my hometown  
**sh(akira):** And the convenience store guy who lived like a block away from me  
**sh(akira):** They both hated me and still probably do  
**rat baby:** i bet they all had a party when u got arrested  
**sh(akira):** Yep  
**sh(akira):** Local hooligan arrested for crimes against konbinis  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Who is this Akechi person you said you wished to prank?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you don’t know him?? he’s kinda locally famous  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I stopped watching the news after a while, it’s so negative...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah i feel you  
**sh(akira):** He’s a student detective who needs a haircut  
**sh(akira):** Also he lingers around in my house way too much  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Your house?  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah, my house is a cafe by the way  
**sh(akira):** It’s open to the public, but he just pisses me off more than anyone else there  
**sh(akira):** So he’s the only one I ever complain about  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ah, I see.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But how come he upsets you so much? He seems nice enough.  
**rat baby:** he’s got a thing against the phantom thieves, so whenever he shows up in the cafe akira and i have a tradition of pranking him in really subtle ways  
**rat baby:** he’s never noticed us  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Not even once?  
**rat baby:** nnnnope  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** That’s very interesting. Isn’t that quite ironic for a detective?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah well, akechi is an interesting guy  
**sh(akira):** Honestly I’m convinced at this point that he’s just disassociating whenever he’s here  
**sh(akira):** Like, he’s got this super blank look on his face all the time  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wow  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** I think he tries to look like he’s watching the news, since we have a tv  
**sh(akira):** But instead it looks like he’s having a spiritual journey while also watching the news  
**rat baby:** he probably is  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Perhaps your coffee is simply that good!  
**sh(akira):** Haha, maybe  
**sh(akira):** He does request me pretty much every time he’s here, which is cool since he gives really good tips  
**sh(akira):** If I didn’t know any better I’d think he was flirting with me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ooooh what if he is tho??  
**sh(akira):** Nah I doubt it  
**sh(akira):** I don’t even think he knows how to flirt  
**sh(akira):** Plus he’s seen me with Ryuji more than once, so I think he gets the idea  
**rat baby:** mmmm i dunno  
**rat baby:** what if he’s a homewrecker  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hJJHGFN god i wish  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that would be so funny  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah that would be pretty hilarious, but you know Ryuji would probably murder him with a barstool if that happened  
**sh(akira):** Literally the only reason those two haven’t gotten in a fistfight is because they’re never alone in the same room together  
**rat baby:** i’d place all my bets on akechi if that happened  
**ann (°◡°♡):** futaba you traitor???  
**rat baby:** yeah but akechi probably has some fancy detective-ass defense training  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** You must learn martial arts in order to join the police, correct?  
**sh(akira):** To be a private investigator, yeah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** huh…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t know that  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** It’s a very specialized field. Makoto’s actually told me many things about how her sister became a detective.  
**rat baby:** her sister is buff as hell  
**rat baby:** i’ve seen her around the cafe before  
**sh(akira):** I really don’t wanna admit that Akechi could probably kick my boyfriend’s ass but now I’m having second thoughts  
**useless bisexual:** UM FUCKIN EXCUSE ME that bitch wouldnt stand a chance  
**sh(akira):** Speaking of which  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we summoned him  
**rat baby:** legends say if you chant akechi’s name in front of a mirror three times, ryuji sakamoto will materialize behind you and call you a bitch  
**useless bisexual:** futaba i cant believe youd bet on that feather duster lookin ass motherfucker in a fight  
**useless bisexual:** im never talking to u again  
**rat baby:** if you do that then i won’t send you any more one piece memes i find on the internet  
**useless bisexual:** ……. wait no i take it back  
**sh(akira):** Hey I still wouldn’t bet money against you in a fight  
**useless bisexual:** thx babe  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah he’d probably bet items instead  
**useless bisexual:** fuckig n  
**useless bisexual:** DO NONE OF U GUYS THINK I COULD ACTUALLY FIGHT AKECHI??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nope  
**rat baby:** nada  
**sh(akira):** Maybe for like… 5 minutes tops  
**sh(akira):** He’d go special forces on your ass so quick  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I have metaphorical faith in you, Ryuji-kun.  
**useless bisexual:** FUCKIN THANK U HARU  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** You’re very welcome!!  
**useless bisexual:** man i cant believe the new recruit has more faith in me than my own friggin boyfriend  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah because your boyfriend actually knows how much of a softy you are more than any of us  
**useless bisexual:** NOT TRUE  
**sh(akira):** You ditched me when we were walking home together yesterday because you saw a dog across the street  
**sh(akira):** I actually had to wait to catch the next train because you sat there just to pet a dog for 30 minutes  
**useless bisexual:** it was a really good dog???  
**useless bisexual:** dont act like u werent sittin there pettin it too  
**sh(akira):** Admittedly, I’m guilty  
**sh(akira):** But like… 30 minutes Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** 30 MINUTES WELL SPENT  
**rat baby:** ryuji ur soft like mashed potatoes  
**useless bisexual:** NO IM NOT  
**useless bisexual:** i have a skull mask im hardcore as hell  
**rat baby:** softboy  
**useless bisexual:** s t o p  
**rat baby:** soft  
**rat baby:** boy

_sh(akira) renamed the conversation to softboys_

**ann (°◡°♡):** GOD  
**useless bisexual:** i hate this group chat  
**rat baby:** really because i love it  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I think being called soft is a compliment.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** After all, most good things could be considered soft.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah !!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** see ryuji we’re complimenting you  
**useless bisexual:** >:/  
**useless bisexual:** whatever id rather be cool than soft  
**sh(akira):** You can be cool and also soft  
**sh(akira):** Just like you can be angry and also hungry  
**rat baby:** hangry  
**useless bisexual:** jfc u guys are hopeless  
**useless bisexual:** besides dont u always get angry when ur hungry anyways??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i just get kinda sad and depressed  
**rat baby:** sadgry  
**useless bisexual:** futaba stop makin up dumbass words  
**rat baby:** hungpressed  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god  
**useless bisexual:** WHAT DID I LITERALLY JUST SAY  
**sh(akira):** Welcome to the first annual meeting of the stupid word council  
**sh(akira):** Councilwoman Oracle, the floor is yours  
**rat baby:** thanks councilman joker  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** May I join?  
**useless bisexual:** haru dont  
**rat baby:** i’d like to invite councilwoman noir to join me today  
**useless bisexual:** godammi t  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Excuse me, but what exactly did I come online to if I may ask...?  
**useless bisexual:** oh thank god yusukes here  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** What is going on?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Is it correct that you are planning to fight Akechi-kun?  
**useless bisexual:** i was until these chucklefucks tossed my self confidence out a 20 story building  
**ann (°◡°♡):** stop over-exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh and hi yusuke  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do you wanna join our bad word cult  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No, but thank you for the offer.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Anyhow I would not recommend pursuing hand-to-hand combat with Akechi.  
**useless bisexual:** dont tell me what to do  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** ...Without any help, at least.  
**useless bisexual:** hoooly shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** omg is yusuke gonna fight akechi now  
**sh(akira):** Nobody’s fighting Akechi, he’s like our only customer at Leblanc  
**sh(akira):** If he dies then I die because I’ll either starve from lack of food money, or I’ll get brutally murdered by Sojiro  
**sh(akira):** Or both  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ok, but like think about it for a second  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ,,,,,, it’s akechi  
**sh(akira):** Tempting, but still no  
**rat baby:** damn i wanted to fight akechi too (´;︵;`)  
**sh(akira):** Futaba you weigh like barely 100 pounds, he would fucking kill you  
**rat baby:** NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT HE WOULDN’T  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I don’t think we should fight anyone outside the Metaverse.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** After all, I cannot summon my battle axe here in the real world.  
**useless bisexual:** are u implyin… .. that u would literally axe somebody if u could actually summon ur weapon in this world  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** What other purpose would I use it for?  
**useless bisexual:** remind me not to piss u off  
**rat baby:** it’s alright haru, we’ll buy you a real axe to use here  
**ann (°◡°♡):** please don’t?? someone will die  
**rat baby:** of fun!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO, OF BEING AXED  
**sh(akira):** As long as everybody promises not to actually punch Akechi then I don’t care what you do with the axe  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Deal !  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we’ve made a terrible mistake  
**rat baby:** mwahahaha  
**rat baby:** i’m taking haru to the hardware store tomorrow and none of you can stop me  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** May I come along? I need to buy some supplies for my artwork.  
**useless bisexual:** what kind of fuckin art supplies do u buy at a hardware store???  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Industrial grade ones.  
**useless bisexual:** aaaalrighty then  
**useless bisexual:** welp im not gonna do any of those things tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** hey akira u wanna get takoyaki and play gamecube this weekend  
**sh(akira):** Uh hell fucking yeah I do  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys know that midterm exams are literally next week right??  
**useless bisexual:** midterms??? dont know her…….  
**sh(akira):** Haven’t heard that name in years  
**ann (°◡°♡):** omg  
**ann (°◡°♡):** study, both of you  
**sh(akira):** Hey I’m in the top 10 of our class, so I’m good  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ok well then RYUJI, STUDY  
**useless bisexual:** >:(  
**useless bisexual:** after gamecube  
**ann (°◡°♡):** before gamecube  
**ann (°◡°♡):** if you flunk out this year i’m gonna personally come to your house and kick your ass  
**useless bisexual:** im not gonna!!! dont worry i can scrape by  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you better be telling the truth  
**ann (°◡°♡):** anyways study regardless, i’m gonna go to bed  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haru no offence but your dad’s palace suuuucks  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can’t remember the last time i was this exhausted after a palace raid (꒪⌓꒪)  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** It is rather a pain isn’t it…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Anyhow, goodnight !!  
**useless bisexual:** night ann  
**ann (°◡°♡):** g’night everybody

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_

**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Sadly I must depart as well since I have some early morning vegetable gardening to do tomorrow ^^  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Sweet dreams everyone!  
**useless bisexual:** aw shit u too huh  
**useless bisexual:** alright well see ya later  
**sh(akira):** Goodnight Haru

_✧* Haru Okumura ✧* is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** sooooo i guess we’re alone again huh ;)  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Actually, I am still here.  
**useless bisexual:** alrighty nvm then i guess this wont go where i thought it would  
**sh(akira):** I guess you could say we were  
**sh(akira):** Artblocked  
**useless bisexual:** THIS IS WHY NOBODY TALKS TO YOU  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m not sure I understand the joke?  
**sh(akira):** You’ll understand when you’re older my sweet child  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** We are the same age though...  
**sh(akira):** Shhhhhh  
**sh(akira):** Hush my son  
**useless bisexual:** go to bed ur scaring yusuke  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No, I assure you I am fine.  
**useless bisexual:** see look hes terrified  
**sh(akira):** Morgana gets on my case enough about sleeping as is, I don’t need you guys to start doing it now too  
**sh(akira):** But yeah whatever fine I’ll go to bed  
**useless bisexual:** its my job to yell at u about things like sleepin and eatin  
**sh(akira):** Yeah I guess you’re right  
**sh(akira):** As always  
**useless bisexual:** :p  
**sh(akira):** ;p  
**sh(akira):** Farewell heathens

_sh(akira) is now offline_


	12. ikea, where dreams come true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** wait wtf is a panini  
>  **useless bisexual:** is that some kinda country  
>  **ann (°◡°♡):** NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things i never thought i'd have to google: how many ikeas are in japan
> 
> well hello n'yall here i am with ur weekly dose of memes. are u doin good?? i really hope u guys are doin good.
> 
> not a ton of stuff to say in these chapter notes, except that updates will probably be about once a week instead of multiple times a week bc of my job :(( but i've kinda already been doing that lately so i suppose that isn't new?? 
> 
> ALSO !!! some very lovely people did fanart of this fic that i'd love to share!!! [thelunneybin](http://thelunneybin.tumblr.com/) did this [fantastic art](http://thelunneybin.tumblr.com/post/161633922038/i-was-reading-this-story-and-i-laughed-for-40-year) from chapter 10, and [youngizzik](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/) drew [this scene](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/post/161987739950/if-you-havent-read-if-2-phantom-thieves-were-on) from chapter 1! thanks so much guys <3 i'm love u

_October 24th 2016_  
_7:31 am_

**Makoto Niijima:** This is just a reminder that this week starts midterms for everybody! Good luck!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well, except Yusuke. Your midterms start next week, correct?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Indeed.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But I still wish for everybody at Shujin to do well on their exams nonetheless.  
**useless bisexual:** ughhghghh im so tireddddd  
**useless bisexual:** i studied all this weekend but im not sure if ill even get decent scores on my exams cause of that tbh  
**Makoto Niijima:** Were you actually studying, or “studying”?  
**useless bisexual:** uhhhhh what do u mean  
**Makoto Niijima:** I mean were you legitimately studying, or did you just go over to Akira’s place and use that as an excuse.  
**useless bisexual:** HEY WE ACTUALLY DID SHIT THIS TIME  
**Makoto Niijima:** “This time”.  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin whatever  
**useless bisexual:** the reason i was up til 1 am was bc i was doin homework anyways so u cant yell at me  
**sh(akira):** Hi I’m homework  
**useless bisexual:** jNHGFK DUDE  
**rat baby:** top 10 anime betrayals  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Greetings, Futaba.  
**useless bisexual:** WHEN DID U GET HERE  
**rat baby:** just now  
**sh(akira):** Just now  
**rat baby:** JINX  
**Makoto Niijima:** I knew it.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, and hello Akira.  
**useless bisexual:** alright fine so we messed around A BIT but we seriously got stuff done  
**useless bisexual:** i swear  
**sh(akira):** I can vouch for him, we got through like 3 sections of our advanced algebra book  
**sh(akira):** Plus we also got our weekend homework done  
**useless bisexual:** yeah see???  
**Makoto Niijima:** Alright, I believe you.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Just try your best today, okay? I won’t accept any of the Phantom Thieves needing to do makeup exams.  
**useless bisexual:** alriiiight  
**sh(akira):** Understood  
**sh(akira):** But seriously, for a bunch of world class criminals we’re pretty fucking dumb  
**sh(akira):** I still have no idea how I’m in the top 10 of my class  
**Makoto Niijima:** Why do you say that?  
**sh(akira):** Well for starters, I didn’t know what a panini was until 3 days ago  
**Makoto Niijima:** Are… are you serious?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** I had to look it up on the internet  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Paninis are delicious.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I enjoy them greatly, but I don’t get to eat them very often unfortunately.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i just woke up but akira are you for real???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haven’t you ever had a panini before?? you work in a cafe for christs sake  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah probably, I just didn’t know what it was until recently  
**useless bisexual:** wait wtf is a panini  
**useless bisexual:** is that some kinda country  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT’S A TYPE OF GRILLED FLATBREAD SANDWICH YOU DINGUS  
**useless bisexual:** oh  
**Makoto Niijima:** I take back everything I just said, I am extremely worried for you two.  
**sh(akira):** Yeah so are we  
**sh(akira):** Anyways I gotta put on pants and get to school, see you guys later  
**rat baby:** bye panini man

_sh(akira) is now offline_

_sh(akira)’s nickname is now panini man_

**Makoto Niijima:** Change his name back, Futaba.  
**rat baby:** :3c  
**rat baby:** no way  
**Makoto Niijima:** Do it or I won’t give you the money to buy Haru an axe.  
**rat baby:** >:(

_panini man’s nickname is now sh(akira)_

\---

_October 24th 2016_  
_3:45 pm_

**useless bisexual:** well that sucked  
**rat baby:** u mean like u were last night??  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin yeah hi five dude  
**rat baby:** (・▽・)／＼(･▽･）  
**rat baby:** u can’t see it but i just hi-fived myself  
**useless bisexual:** nice  
**useless bisexual:** but nah i meant that i studied this weekend and i STILL feel like i bombed everythin we tested on today  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Perhaps you should have studied more?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I don’t think one weekend alone would yield that many results.  
**useless bisexual:** yeeeahhhh i guess not  
**useless bisexual:** but whatever im still disappointed  
**moon moon:** Don’t worry! I feel kinda crappy about my possible scores today too.  
**moon moon:** But then again that could just be me being paranoid about it...  
**useless bisexual:** yooo mishima  
**rat baby:** hey nerdshima  
**moon moon:** You’re more of a nerd than I am…?  
**rat baby:** debatable  
**useless bisexual:** how can u feel bad about ur tests tho i thought u were supposed to be hella smart  
**moon moon:** Eh not really, I have my ups and downs.  
**moon moon:** I also suck at english, which is what our class had exams over today.  
**useless bisexual:** oh dude i suck at english too  
**useless bisexual:** we had math exams today and it was hell  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haha today was easy street for me  
**useless bisexual:** WELL YEAH THATS CAUSE UR BASICALLY FLUENT IN ENGLISH  
**useless bisexual:** i dont kno dick about shit when it comes to english  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you can thank my parents for that  
**ann (°◡°♡):** honestly i’m not as fluent as i used to be though… but i’m still really good with vocabulary  
**rat baby:** you’re closer to fluent than we are at least  
**ann (°◡°♡):** heheh, yeah i guess  
**moon moon:** So have you ever been to America, Takamaki-san??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** a long time ago! my parents took me there to visit my grandparents when i was like 7  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but i haven’t been back since  
**moon moon:** Damn, I’d love to go to America someday…  
**moon moon:** I mean Hawaii is still technically America, but it’s just not the same as being on the mainland.  
**useless bisexual:** man ikr america looks so cool  
**useless bisexual:** they got those bigass grocery stores there  
**useless bisexual:** what are they called again?? ? costcos or some shit??  
**moon moon:** What now?  
**rat baby:** pfff f ft,,,,,  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you only want to go to america,,,,, because they have costco  
**useless bisexual:** yeah thats what theyre called right?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YEAH BUT WHY  
**useless bisexual:** um free samples???  
**useless bisexual:** also i could probably fit my house in there 500 times  
**useless bisexual:** u dont get shit like that here  
**rat baby:** he’s right  
**rat baby:** costco is especially special  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well that’s because we have like 0 space for land development here  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also because we’re normal  
**useless bisexual:** hey dont knock it til you try it  
**useless bisexual:** i also think itd be pretty cool to have an ikea here  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** You mean here as in Tokyo?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah!!! i wanna try the food there  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** We do have one. But in all honesty the food is subpar.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you’re kidding  
**useless bisexual:** wait WHAT REALLY  
**useless bisexual:** DUDE WHERE  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** There is one right outside of Tokyo in Funabashi.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** My former sensei and I used to go there fairly often.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wow  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ok it’s settled, we have to go to ikea after exams are over  
**useless bisexual:** FUCK EXAMS LET’S GO TO IKEA TODAY  
**rat baby:** YEAH !!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we still have like 3 days left of midterms and i’m NOT failing history because you all wanted to go furniture shopping  
**rat baby:** fine we’ll just go without u then  
**ann (°◡°♡):** how????  
**useless bisexual:** akira can drive  
**useless bisexual:** ill ask to see if he can borrow sojiros car and give us a ride  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I would like to accompany you all down there, if that’s alright.  
**useless bisexual:** sure buddy  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YUSUKE stop enabling them  
**rat baby:** actually inari can walk, i don’t want him in my car  
**moon moon:** Can I come with you in that case??  
**rat baby:** sure why not  
**sh(akira):** Hey I heard my name and also Ikea  
**useless bisexual:** hey babe can u drive all of us except for ann down to ikea today  
**sh(akira):** Wait why not Ann  
**useless bisexual:** she knows what she did  
**sh(akira):** I see  
**sh(akira):** Also, we have an Ikea?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** There are actually 9 Ikeas in Japan.  
**sh(akira):** You’re shitting me  
**useless bisexual:** YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT  
**useless bisexual:** but youre the only one who can drive except for makoto  
**useless bisexual:** and u kno she probably wouldnt drive us  
**useless bisexual:** so pleeaaseeee  
**sh(akira):** Hmmmm I dunno if Sojiro would let me borrow his car honestly  
**sh(akira):** He’s never let me drive it before  
**sh(akira):** Also if Makoto found out that I chauffeured all you guys to Ikea during exams she’d kick my ass to the afterlife and back  
**useless bisexual:** plsssssss  
**rat baby:** PLEASEEEE  
**rat baby:** if u don’t i’ll hack ur phone so ur alarm goes off every 10 minutes  
**sh(akira):** What if I turn my phone off  
**rat baby:** what if i throw rocks through ur bedroom window until u come out  
**sh(akira):** What if I just throw them back  
**useless bisexual:** what if i play careless whisper thru my portable speaker beneath ur window tonight at 3 am as revenge for not takin us  
**sh(akira):** Alright I yield  
**sh(akira):** But only if you pay for my food  
**rat baby:** deal  
**useless bisexual:** DEAL  
**sh(akira):** Ok I’m gonna go convince Sojiro to let me borrow the car  
**sh(akira):** I’ll be right back  
**rat baby:** good luck, you’re gonna need it

_sh(akira) is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** WOOO were goin to IKEA  
**moon moon:** I didn’t even know Ikea had food!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It’s not very good, I really don’t know why you’re all so insistent on having it.  
**useless bisexual:** this might be the only time i ever get to eat ikea food  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I sincerely doubt it.  
**useless bisexual:** well idc if its shit im eatin that shitty swedish food  
**moon moon:** I’ve never even had Swedish food, so I’m pretty curious.  
**rat baby:** i just wanna lay on all the beds they have there  
**useless bisexual:** SAME  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m screenshotting all of this for when you guys get kicked out of ikea  
**useless bisexual:** who says were gonna get kicked out???  
**ann (°◡°♡):** me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** because i KNOW you guys are gonna do something stupid like piss off a security guard or whatever  
**rat baby:** well akira’s gonna be there so we’ll probably be fine  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are you even reading what you’re saying  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akira’s probably the one who’ll piss off the security guard  
**rat baby:** fuck ur right  
**useless bisexual:** yeah well theyll never catch me alive  
**useless bisexual:** ill die before im banned from ikea  
**ann (°◡°♡):** be careful what you wish for  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Everyone will be fine, I’ve been there before after all.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Ah, looks like Akira is back online.  
**useless bisexual:** whats the verdict???  
**sh(akira):** Alright it took some bargaining, but he said as long as we’re back by 8 pm sharp then we’re good  
**useless bisexual:** NNNNNICE  
**moon moon:** Great! So can we all meet you at Leblanc then??  
**sh(akira):** Yep, he told me where it’s parked so we can just all walk there  
**rat baby:** later ann!!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** see you guys in jail probably 

\---

_October 24th 2016_  
_6:57 pm_

**sh(akira):** Hey Yusuke  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes?  
**sh(akira):** Do you by any chance know where the other 8 Ikeas in Japan are located  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I KNEW IT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YOU GUYS DID GET KICKED OUT DIDN’T YOU  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** We got banned actually, I’ve been told there’s a big difference.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hNKSJGF WOW  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so i guess now is a bad time to post those screenshots here huh  
**sh(akira):** Well ok correction, only 4 of us got banned  
**sh(akira):** Mishima’s still allowed to go back  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i doubt he’d want to since you all probably traumatized him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what the hell did you guys do to get banned anyways???  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji and I got banned for trying to longjump over the bathroom accessory displays  
**sh(akira):** Yusuke got banned for sitting too close to strangers in the dining area so he could sketch them  
**sh(akira):** And Futaba got banned for falling asleep in one of the fake beds and refusing to get up after security found her 2 hours later  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i feel no remorse for you whatsoever  
**sh(akira):** Harsh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** now here’s the real question: do you think you could get banned from all 9 ikeas in the country?  
**sh(akira):** … Ann...  
**sh(akira):** … Ann you’re tempting me...  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But that means we’ll no longer be able to enter an Ikea unless we leave the country.  
**sh(akira):** Shit  
**sh(akira):** This is a hard choice to make  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean i was kidding, but why the hell would you even want to be banned from every ikea in the country??  
**sh(akira):** Just to say that I did it  
**sh(akira):** Maybe I’d get an award like a Guinness World Record or something  
**sh(akira):** “Local man banned from every Ikea in Japan”  
**ann (°◡°♡):** god that’d be rich  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Coincidentally, we probably would be too.  
**sh(akira):** Oh that’s true  
**sh(akira):** Hey Ryuji do you wanna help me get banned from every Ikea in the country  
**useless bisexual:** hmmwhat  
**useless bisexual:** i dunno whats even goin on but hell yeah  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I prefer still being able to shop at Ikea, but I wish you both luck in your endeavors.  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can see your probation is going really well akira  
**sh(akira):** I’m a free spirit  
**sh(akira):** You can’t hold this down  
**useless bisexual:** stick it to the man  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll be sure to remember that when you both get sent to juvenile detention  
**rat baby:** OOH are we getting banned from all the ikeas in the country??  
**sh(akira):** Sure are  
**rat baby:** count me in, i can’t afford to shop there anyways  
**Makoto Niijima:** Excuse me but when exactly did we decide this?  
**sh(akira):** S h i t  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oohohohoo busted  
**Makoto Niijima:** What did I say about making major plans during exams?  
**useless bisexual:** uhhhhhhhhhhhh  
**useless bisexual:** not,,,, to?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Precisely. You can do that once they’re over.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Not only that but… how did you manage to get banned from Ikea in only 2 hours?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It is surprisingly easy.  
**rat baby:** yeah it’s super DUPER easy  
**Makoto Niijima:** I expected better from all of you...  
**Makoto Niijima:** Especially you Akira, you’re supposed to be our leader after all.  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah technically  
**sh(akira):** But there’s a reason the only things I really handle are metaverse stuff and money  
**sh(akira):** Do I look responsible to you  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sometimes you give off an aura of something almost resembling responsibility.  
**sh(akira):** That is the single best compliment I have gotten from you, ever, in my entire life  
**Makoto Niijima:** I compliment you all the time!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Either way, no more big plans until midterms are over.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You all still remember that we’re going to have a welcoming party for Haru, don’t you?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** of course!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** honestly i don’t know a place that she’d enjoy though,,,,  
**Makoto Niijima:** She suggested to me the other night that we use a company rented timeslot at Destinyland for our party.  
**Makoto Niijima:** We’d have the entire park to ourselves for one whole night, how does that sound?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** whoa….. seriously??  
**useless bisexual:** ARE U FORREAL  
**Makoto Niijima:** I am indeed.  
**sh(akira):** That sounds great Makoto  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Would we really be allowed to go in place of the company, though?  
**Makoto Niijima:** She has everything sorted out, we’d be in the clear.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s a good thing we defeated her father’s palace this weekend, since his change of heart should take place around when exams end.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s the time that we’d have Haru’s welcoming party.  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin sweet!! i say lets go for it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah that sounds like a lot of fun makoto, tell her we’re on board (〃＾▽＾〃)  
**Makoto Niijima:** Will do!  
**Makoto Niijima:** But you all must promise to stay out of trouble until exams are over.  
**rat baby:** what are you, our mom??  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well, Akira definitely isn’t responsible enough to look after any of you for an extended period of time.  
**Makoto Niijima:** So I suppose yes, for lack of a better term.  
**rat baby:** does that mean we can bring back…….. the mom trinity  
**Makoto Niijima:** No.  
**rat baby:** mom trinity mom trinity mom trinity  
**useless bisexual:** MOM TRINITY  
**Makoto Niijima:** I won’t hesitate to ban both of you.  
**rat baby:** :(  
**sh(akira):** Mom trinity is restored  
**rat baby:** :)  
**useless bisexual:** YES  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please stop encouraging them...  
**sh(akira):** Well I guess it’s only a mom duo since Haru isn’t here  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, because she’s studying.  
**Makoto Niijima:** As all of you should be too, I might add.  
**useless bisexual:** wait how do u kno shes studyin??  
**Makoto Niijima:** Because she’s over at my house right now, on my couch, studying.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m legitimately looking at her right now.  
**useless bisexual:** ohhhh i getcha ;)  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, I mean she’s really just studying.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She also says hi to everybody.  
**rat baby:** HI HARU !!!!  
**rat baby:** tell her i’ll get her that axe soon  
**Makoto Niijima:** Well... I told her you said hello at least.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Anyways I’m going offline now, so long and have a good night’s rest everybody!  
**rat baby:** g’night makoto !!  
**useless bisexual:** night queen

_Makoto Niijima is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** im just lettin u guys kno that being banned from every ikea in the country is now on my bucket list  
**sh(akira):** We’ll make it happen, don’t worry  
**rat baby:** operation “i am forcibly escorted from the ikea” is now a go  
**sh(akira):** Sweet  
**sh(akira):** Anywho I’m gonna brush up on some Japanese history and then go to bed  
**sh(akira):** Getting kicked out of a department store is surprisingly exhausting  
**useless bisexual:** i mean u didnt have to run from those security guards  
**useless bisexual:** but u did  
**sh(akira):** I know, I just thought it’d be fun  
**sh(akira):** I’ll be on do not disturb mode, so just @ me if any of you guys need anything  
**rat baby:** will do !!!  
**useless bisexual:** see ya bb  


_sh(akira) is now offline_


	13. everybody knows shit, fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ann (°◡°♡):** can i just say  
>  **ann (°◡°♡):** this fucking sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *winks but it makes a duck noise* hey 
> 
> so this is the sad chapter, but if it makes you guys feel any better i edited the sad part while listening to the pizza song from the spiderman 2 video game so,,,, i don't really know where i'm going with this i just wanted to let u guys know
> 
> ALSO i have 2 [amazing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z74P-83Rz2k) [pegoryu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdyhlbUHvmY) songs that i wanted to share because they just..... give me a lot of feelings ok.... they're really good pegoryu songs.... blease give em a listen
> 
> all that being said, i hope u enjoy this week's chapter !!

Akira Kurusu had learned 2 things while at Destinyland for Haru’s welcoming party:

1.) Never take your drink with you on the teacup ride because it’ll fly out of your hands and you’ll lose it in some random bush and never see it again.

2.) Spending 1000 yen on a bear headband for Ryuji had been the best financial investment he’d made this entire year.

The group was seated at a table near the center of the park, gearing up to watch the fireworks that were happening soon. Maybe 30 minutes or so, Makoto had said. 

It was a Friday, their exams had just finished, and everyone was looking forward to the weekend to come. Haru seemed to be enjoying herself, and not a _single_ fight between Futaba and Yusuke had broken out. 

Everything was going perfectly. 

As they excitedly chattered over the events of the day while snacking on amusement park junk food, Akira took the opportunity to look around the table:

Yusuke and Futaba were currently attempting to construct some kind of... structure? Entirely out of pocky sticks, he noted. It looked almost like Tokyo Tower, but a lot more unstable. And edible.

Ann was holding her phone up to show the brilliance of the park’s rides, buildings and light shows as she facetimed Shiho, turning her phone back around to grin and laugh at something her girlfriend had said. A joke about the extravagance of it all, most likely.

Morgana was snacking on a plate of fatty tuna they’d ordered for him, occasionally glancing up to see what the commotion was about.

And Makoto and Haru were… huh. 

Where were Makoto and Haru?

He took a quick glance around, but didn’t see a trace of them. He noticed that Haru had left her purse here though, so it seemed like she planned to return at some point. At least, he hoped she would since it was her party, after all.

“Dude look over here.” Ryuji elbowed him from the side.

Akira turned his head suddenly and was greeted with the flash of Ryuji’s phone going off. Ryuji then quickly typed something before hitting send and leaning back in his chair again.

“Wait, did I blink in that one?” Akira asked, leaning over his shoulder.

“I dunno, my mom just asked where we were so I sent her a pic of us.”

“Pfft make sure to show me her reaction, I wanna see it,” Akira hooked his chin over Ryuji’s shoulder as he continued, “I fucking love your mom, she’s hilarious.”

Ryuji snorted, bumping his head against Akira’s, “You’re just sayin’ that ‘cause she likes you!”

“It’s not my fault your mom can appreciate how funny and attractive I am.”

“Bitch I will eat your cotton candy, don't even test me.”

Their banter was interrupted by the first firework of the night going off. The large, red firecracker suddenly illuminated the park in beautiful crimson hues.

Futaba excitedly jumped up out of her seat and nearly knocked her and Yusuke’s pocky masterpiece over, scaring Morgana off the table in the process. 

“Ooooh! They must’ve started early!” She chirped. 

Yusuke however, looked around with a puzzled expression, “Where is our guest of honor? Did she have something to attend to that I was not aware of?”

“You’re talkin’ about Haru, right?” Ryuji asked. Yusuke nodded.

“She prolly needed to talk to an employee about somethin’... or maybe she needed go to the bathroom, I dunno.”

“Or her and Makoto are just making out somewhere.” Ann added.

“Or that.” Ryuji agreed.

They continued to watch the fireworks show for what seemed like forever and no time at all; Futaba leaned so far over the railing from their spot that Akira almost had to catch her to keep her from falling over. Apparently this was her first time seeing fireworks.

Ann kept her phone aimed faithfully at the sky as she occasionally pointed out fireworks that reminded her of certain things to Shiho, who seemed just as enraptured with the show as they were.

Morgana had hopped back up up onto the table and flopped onto his side, watching the fireworks with eyes as wide as moons, his ears twitching whenever there was a particularly loud one.

It was so strange to see everyone so… happy and content. Akira knew that was an absurd thought, it wasn’t like he had never seen any his friends happy before. But this was different. 

It was nice.

He entwined his fingers with Ryuji’s as he diverted his gaze back to the show, grinning as Ryuji’s hand squeezed his reassuringly and a kiss was pressed against his ear.

It seemed like nothing in the world could ruin this moment right now.

Akira then noticed two figures jogging back to their table out of the corner of his eye. Finally, Haru and Makoto had returned. 

“Hey guys,” Akira greeted.

Morgana’s head whipped around from his spot on the table as soon as he noticed the two of them. 

“Where were you guys? We were starting to get worried.” His tail flicked back and forth with annoyance.

Makoto pulled out a chair for Haru as they both sat down, “Sorry we missed the beginning of the firework show, Haru and I had to ask the staff about something.”

“Are you sure you two weren’t making out?” Futaba inquired without looking at them.

Makoto instantly turned a shade of red, “Wh-what? No, we weren’t.”

“We were.” Haru confessed nonchalantly.

“I knew it!” Ann pointed accusingly at both of them, as if she had just solved the least mysterious mystery of all time.

Makoto hid her face in her hands with embarrassment while Haru giggled and snaked an arm around her girlfriend’s waist.

The rest of the evening seemed to wind down after that. Morgana suggested they order more food as they waited for the firework finale, but Akira suspected he just wanted more fatty tuna.

Futaba’s and Yusuke’s pocky tower was now complete, and it was actually pretty impressive. Akira and Futaba eventually ended up taking a bunch of selfies next to it and texting them all to Sojiro.

“Hey do you think Sojiro would let us take that back to Leblanc and display it?” Futaba asked, sending a particularly blurry selfie. “I think it adds atmosphere, and I’m not just saying that ‘cause I helped make it or anything.” 

“That’d be pretty cool,” Akira agreed, “We could have a mini gallery just for your art, Yusuke.” 

“I’d be honored if you would do that for me.” Yusuke smiled.

Meanwhile, Ann had said goodnight to Shiho already and was now attempting to fit as many animal headbands as possible on her head. With some assistance from Haru, of course. 

Suddenly, she sat up straighter. “Hey, wasn’t Haru’s dad supposed to be holding a press conference tonight? When was that gonna start?”

Makoto looked surprised as well. “I’d almost forgotten about that... I believe it was going to begin right around now, actually.”

Everyone pulled out their phones and opened the livestream of the press conference. Suddenly, an image of Mr. Okumura sitting solemnly in front of a podium surrounded by microphones became visible.

“Ooh, we tuned in right on time!” Futaba bounced on her heels excitedly as she flicked her gaze back and forth from Makoto’s phone to her own. 

Akira felt Morgana climb up onto his shoulder to watch the broadcast as he and Ryuji both stared intently at Akira’s phone, waiting for the press conference to start.

Then, Haru’s father spoke at last.

_“Thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules to gather here. Today, I’d like to elaborate upon the whole truth behind my company’s labor situation.”_

They heard the sound of camera shutters and saw flashes going off as Mr. Okumura simply stared straight ahead into the camera.

“I’m so fuckin’ ready for this…” Ryuji muttered almost inaudibly from where he was leaning against Akira, eyes glued to the phone in front of him.

_“How my employees were forced to work under severe conditions, how… lax we were with sanitation… and how my corporation acted as a whole to… cover up every facet of this scandal.”_

Mr. Okumura’s voice began to shake as he continued to speak.

_“For all this, I wholeheartedly apologize.”_

Akira caught a glimpse of Haru, watching as her father finished speaking and bowed deeply in apology to all who were tuned in. 

Her expression was unreadable.

Journalists began asking Mr. Okumura questions about the scandal. Was it true? Would he really claim responsibility for everything? 

He continued to assure that yes, this was 100% true and he was the only one at fault.

Haru’s brow furrowed as her grip tightened on the back of Makoto’s chair; Makoto softly put her hand over Haru’s as a sign of reassurance.

Akira couldn’t imagine what Haru must have been feeling in this moment.

Just then, a journalist began interrogating Mr. Okumura about employees sent home due to mysterious illnesses, and how it had all worked in the company’s favor.

_“Was it all coincidence? We’d like some answers.”_ The journalist asked.

Okumura hesitated, _“About that… I have a critical piece of information to announce here today.”_

“Here it comes,” Morgana spoke up as he jumped into Akira’s lap, “Okumura’s going to say who’s really behind the mental shutdowns.”

Mr. Okumura paused and took a breath, _“... I,”_

Then it happened.

He began desperately clutching at his chest as he went paler than a sheet. Tremors wracked his body as he began to seemingly choke on nothing at all.

Akira stiffened. 

_No… no nononono, this shouldn’t be happening this can’t be happening…_

The press was whipped into a frenzy as Mr. Okumura’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and-- holy shit was that _blood?_

The broadcast cut out and Haru clapped a hand to her mouth as she muffled a noise of pure horror; Makoto stood up immediately to support her girlfriend.

Ann dropped her phone on the table and looked at it dumbfounded, as if she couldn’t believe or even understand what had just happened. “Wh… what the _fuck…_ ”

Akira clutched Morgana tightly to his chest, scarcely comprehending what happened until he realized it all at once: 

_The mental shutdowns… Okumura had just fallen victim to one._

His suspicions were confirmed when he saw that Futaba had curled in on herself, breathing shallowly and staring at a fixed point in the distance.

She was paler than a ghost.

Yusuke noticed and knelt down next to her. “Futaba, are you alright?”

She subtly shook her head, struggling to speak, “I-it’s… it’s exactly like what happened to my m-mom…”

But there was no way, Akira thought. They’d done everything the same, there was absolutely no way. 

His thoughts were spiraling out of control; What did this mean for the Phantom Thieves? There was sure to be public backlash, sure, but how much exactly?

… Was this the end of the Phantom Thieves? 

Ryuji’s fist banged down on the table in frustration, interrupting Akira’s thoughts. His eyes were still fixed on the blank phone screen in front of him, narrowed angrily. 

“We did everythin’ the same, what the _hell_ went wrong this time?!”

Morgana had escaped Akira’s grip as he jumped back onto the table in a slight panic, “I-I don’t know! We didn’t kill his shadow, so it should have been just fine!”

Chaos began to unfold as everyone talked over each other, demanding an answer to what had just happened. 

They were confused, but above all, they were scared. Firstly scared for Haru, but also scared for themselves... 

And _definitely_ scared for what was going to happen next.

Makoto was beginning to guide Haru away from the pandemonium at their table, whispering something gently to her as Haru nodded in agreement. 

Haru then took her phone out and dialed a number quickly.

Makoto turned back to the rest of them, “I don’t know what exactly is happening or why, but I think Okumura just suffered a mental shutdown.”

She folded her arms as she glanced nervously around, “We did everything right this time, didn’t we?”

Morgana’s tail flicked with agitation, “I swear, I don’t know what went wrong... this should have never happened.”

Nobody really knew what to say. Nobody really knew what to do. What _could_ you even do in a situation like this? 

Just then, Haru abruptly ended her call and rushed back to the table. “I have to go. I’ll get in contact with the staff before I leave, but I’m needed at home right now.”

She grabbed her purse and began to leave, but suddenly turned around and kissed Makoto firmly. She looked like she was about to cry.

Haru then turned back to the others as she let go of Makoto, their hands still laced together. “Feel free to take your time… I’m so sorry about all of this. I really am.” 

And without another word, she left.

\---

 

_October 28th 2016_  
_10:47 pm_

**useless bisexual:** so…  
**useless bisexual:** hows haru doin  
**Makoto Niijima:** She’s at home right now, as she should be.  
**Makoto Niijima:** They’re probably figuring out what to do now.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I suspect she’ll be taking a period of time off from school because of this…  
**sh(akira):** I don’t blame her  
**sh(akira):** That was fucking horrifying  
**useless bisexual:** yeah fr  
**useless bisexual:** i dont think ive seen anything that scary even in horror movies  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what’s important is making sure haru is safe  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we should all check up on her as soon as possible  
**Makoto Niijima:** I agree.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I messaged her earlier and she told me that they’re waiting for the hospital to confirm her father’s condition.  
**Makoto Niijima:** So far they’re saying it’s a heart attack.  
**useless bisexual:** i mean they probably arent wrong  
**useless bisexual:** can mental shutdowns cause heart attacks??  
**sh(akira):** Probably  
**sh(akira):** We don’t know much about them but I don’t see why they couldn’t  
**useless bisexual:** god i hate this  
**useless bisexual:** like what the actual fuck??? i thought we were in the clear?? ?  
**useless bisexual:** we just did the same shit we always do…..  
**useless bisexual:** it shouldve been fine  
**Makoto Niijima:** We can focus on what might have caused it later.  
**Makoto Niijima:** For now Haru’s safety is priority number one.  
**useless bisexual:** yeah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** agreed  
**sh(akira):** Since I know she’ll probably message you before she messages us Makoto, just let her know we’re thinking about her  
**Makoto Niijima:** I will.  
**Makoto Niijima:** In the meantime, I think we should all get some rest and save this for tomorrow.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Worrying ourselves sick over something we have no control over is pointless.  
**sh(akira):** True  
**ann (°◡°♡):** can i just say  
**ann (°◡°♡):** this fucking sucks  
**useless bisexual:** i kno  
**useless bisexual:** like…… not even lookin at pics of cute dogs is makin me feel better  
**sh(akira):** Damn really?  
**useless bisexual:** nope :(  
**ann (°◡°♡):** this is a national emergency, not even dogs are making ryuji feel better  
**Makoto Niijima:** Would you mind sending me a few of those cute dog pictures? I could really use them right now.  
**useless bisexual:** hey sure thing  
**sh(akira):** You can send them to me too, but I’m going to bed for now  
**sh(akira):** This is past depression nap level, this is depression coma level  
**ann (°◡°♡):** take me with you  
**sh(akira):** Wish I could  
**sh(akira):** I will say though, melatonin is really good stuff if you just wanna sleep  
**sh(akira):** And I don’t mean bullshit sleep, I mean like sleeping so hard you enter the shadow realm  
**ann (°◡°♡):** really?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, I had like constant nightmares when I first moved here  
**sh(akira):** And really bad insomnia  
**sh(akira):** That stuff really helped me a lot  
**ann (°◡°♡):** huh, alright  
**sh(akira):** Just come with me next time I see Takemi and she’ll hook you up  
**ann (°◡°♡):** alright!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** g’night akira  
**sh(akira):** Night everyone  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji when I come out of my depression coma there better be some cute dog pics waiting for me tomorrow morning  
**useless bisexual:** um of course??? thats what im here for  
**useless bisexual:** anyways sleep tight  
**sh(akira):** I am the tightest sleeper on this planet  
**useless bisexual:** bro i kno u are  
**useless bisexual:** it took me like 40 minutes to wake u up the last time u were at my house  
**sh(akira):** I would say I remember that, but I don’t because I was asleep  
**sh(akira):** Anyhow goodnight, ily  
**useless bisexual:** ily more  
**sh(akira):** Ily the most  
**useless bisexual:** thats not how it works dingus  
**sh(akira):** Shhhhhhhh it’s coma time  
**sh(akira):** Good night for real now

_sh(akira) is now offline_


	14. a guide to cryptid spotting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ann (°◡°♡):** is this a song about fucking ghosts  
>  **rat baby:** no, but it’s a song about *fucking* ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS FIRST AND FOREMOST DEDICATED TO RYUJI SAKAMOTO, SINCE IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TODAY !!!!! 
> 
> happy birthday my son,,,,, my everything,,,,, atlus may have done u dirty but i never will
> 
> secondly, i advise the general public to please deadlift responsibly. if you're a 99 pound weakling like me, you will most certainly kill the friend that you are attempting to deadlift. please lift ur friends responsibly, thank u.
> 
> and thirdly, the wonderful [youngizzik](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/) drew a little [scene](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/post/162343189895/wanted-some-lineless-practice-and-this-scene-from) from chapter 3!!
> 
> with that, blease enjoy this slightly less depressing chapter

_October 29th 2016_  
_9:16 am_

**moon moon:** Hey so…  
**moon moon:** I really don’t wanna sound rude here, but I have to know.  
**moon moon:** You guys didn’t kill the CEO of Okumura foods, did you?  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, we didn’t.  
**Makoto Niijima:** The Phantom Thieves aren’t murderers, we’ve never killed and we don’t plan to.  
**moon moon:** Ah thank god…  
**moon moon:** You guys really had me worried there! The Phansite is going downhill fast, there are so many rumors.  
**moon moon:** Did you know that some people even think you planned this from the start?  
**moon moon:** I know the truth though, there’s no way you guys could ever be evil.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Thank you, Mishima…  
**sh(akira):** Yeah thanks Mishima  
**sh(akira):** But there’s no doubt about it, something’s fucky  
**sh(akira):** We did the same thing as always so we should’ve gotten the same result  
**sh(akira):** But I guess something happened behind the scenes that we weren’t aware of  
**moon moon:** Jeez that’s scary.  
**moon moon:** Do you think you guys were maybe framed somehow?  
**Makoto Niijima:** … Hm, that is a possibility.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But how would they even have the means of doing so?  
**moon moon:** I don’t know!  
**moon moon:** I don’t even know how you guys steal hearts, it’s just a thought.  
**moon moon:** Here’s to hoping things get better soon though, the thieves’ image is really going off the deep end.  
**useless bisexual:** u can say that again  
**useless bisexual:** i was on the train this mornin and EVERYONE was talkin about us  
**useless bisexual:** and not like usual either  
**useless bisexual:** this shit was just straight up crazy  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, even the old people who live around here are starting to turn on us  
**sh(akira):** I don’t think I could fight off 50 old people  
**Makoto Niijima:** Just because they disagree with us doesn’t mean we have to fight them.  
**sh(akira):** Mmmmm I dunno  
**sh(akira):** The lady who runs the antique shop around here could definitely throw down if she needed to  
**sh(akira):** I’m pretty sure if she knew who I was she’d chokehold me to death  
**useless bisexual:** whos this lady i wanna meet her  
**sh(akira):** She’s the old lady who sold me that ancient tv I had before I got the new one  
**useless bisexual:** OHHHHH her  
**useless bisexual:** sweet im gonna arm wrestle her someday  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t.  
**useless bisexual:** oh hey ive been meanin to ask  
**useless bisexual:** i know its only been a day but……. has haru said anythin yet?  
**useless bisexual:** to like anybody im not just askin makoto  
**moon moon:** Oh yeah… I forgot Niijima-san’s girlfriend was that CEO’s daughter…  
**moon moon:** But I haven’t heard from her.  
**sh(akira):** Neither have I  
**Makoto Niijima:** Not since yesterday.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She called me late last night when they confirmed her father’s death, but that was it.  
**useless bisexual:** oh man  
**useless bisexual:** so he really is like,,, DEAD dead huh  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, unfortunately.  
**Makoto Niijima:** She seemed oddly composed when she told me, but I haven’t heard from her since.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sorry everyone...  
**useless bisexual:** hey no need to apologize !!  
**useless bisexual:** its not like its your fault or anythin  
**Makoto Niijima:** I know.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s just hard for me since there’s not much we can do at the moment.  
**moon moon:** I hope she feels better and talks to you guys again soon.  
**moon moon:** I really wish I could stay, but I have to keep an eye on the Phansite right now.  
**moon moon:** People are practically running wild on there...  
**moon moon:** I’ll talk to you guys again soon, though!  
**useless bisexual:** see ya mishima

_moon moon is now offline_

**sh(akira):** Don’t worry Makoto, she’ll talk when she’s ready  
**sh(akira):** I bet right now the stress for her is more about the company and like, all of the money she’s basically in charge of now  
**useless bisexual:** oh yeah i forgot shes in charge of like a billion people now  
**Makoto Niijima:** I wouldn’t quite go that far.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But yes I’m sure she’s under loads of pressure right now…  
**sh(akira):** It’s alright  
**sh(akira):** Actually you know what, I have something not super depressing to share for once  
**useless bisexual:** oh shit  
**sh(akira):** Unrealistic, I know  
**sh(akira):** But I found a family of stray cats next to the bathhouse this morning while i was watering the plants outside Leblanc  
**useless bisexual:** oh my god  
**sh(akira):** There was a mother cat and I think 3 kittens  
**sh(akira):** I took some pics too, you guys wanna see?  
**useless bisexual:** UM YES ABSOLUTELY

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

**useless bisexual:** OHHHHHH MY GOD  
**useless bisexual:** theyre so tiny wtf  
**ann (°◡°♡):** HELLO i heard someone mention cats??  
**sh(akira):** I have a few more pics too if you guys want me to send them  
**sh(akira):** We left some ground beef out for the mom since I think her kittens were too young to eat solid foods  
**sh(akira):** But yeah they were just chilling on top of the air vents this morning  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ohh my god…… they’re soooo cute !!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll admit that’s the cutest thing I’ve seen all day.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Did you have to call Animal Control?  
**sh(akira):** Nah, we’ve got tons of stray cats around here  
**sh(akira):** Sojiro and I will keep an eye on them for now, if they start having trouble then we’ll let somebody know  
**Makoto Niijima:** As long as nobody complains, I suppose it’s fine.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That grey and white kitten is rather curious looking though, I think she’s my favorite one.  
**sh(akira):** I named her Nessie, she likes to climb on things  
**sh(akira):** The black one is Chupacabra  
**ann (°◡°♡):** did you seriously name a bunch of stray kittens after cryptids  
**sh(akira):** I mean why not  
**sh(akira):** It’s not like they can understand Japanese or even know what a cryptid is  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah but how would you feel if your mom named you bigfoot though???  
**sh(akira):** I would feel fucking awesome  
**rat baby:** DID SOMEONE SAY BIGFOOT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** of course that’s what you come online for  
**sh(akira):** There was also a dark grey kitten who I named Cthulhu  
**sh(akira):** He isn’t named after a cryptid but he’s still cool  
**useless bisexual:** his name is way cooler imo  
**useless bisexual:** hey wasnt cthulhu a god or somethin??  
**sh(akira):** Yeah he was  
**sh(akira):** I named a baby cat after a fictional god  
**useless bisexual:** sweet  
**rat baby:** i think cthulhu is a perfect name for a cat  
**rat baby:** or should i say,,,,,,  
**rat baby:** p u r r f e c t  
**sh(akira):** Banned  
**useless bisexual:** that wasnt even good futaba  
**rat baby:** YOU PEOPLE NEVER APPRECIATE ME  
**sh(akira):** Morgana is sitting next to me and even he rolled his eyes at that one  
**sh(akira):** That’s how you know it’s bad  
**Makoto Niijima:** Regardless, thank you for showing us your cats, Akira.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I do feel a little bit better now.  
**sh(akira):** They’re not technically mine, but you’re welcome  
**sh(akira):** They belong only to nature and to themselves  
**useless bisexual:** god i wish that were me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** same  
**ann (°◡°♡):** and i know you were talking about this before i showed up, but if you’re able talk to haru tell her that i miss her and i hope she’s doing ok!!  
**rat baby:** yeah same here  
**rat baby:** i know how it feels to shut yourself away, it sucks  
**rat baby:** oh !!! but that reminds me, i have an idea  
**Makoto Niijima:** Hm?  
**rat baby:** we should send a bunch of cute/happy stuff in chat so when haru gets back she can look at all of it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hey, that’s a good idea !  
**useless bisexual:** hell yeah im down  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s a great idea, Futaba.  
**sh(akira):** Well in that case I’ve already used my turn  
**sh(akira):** Who wants to go next  
**rat baby:** all i have are memes  
**rat baby:** do those count  
**sh(akira):** I mean, yeah if you want them to  
**rat baby:** SWEET  
**rat baby:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxXufI6-OIE>  
**Makoto Niijima:** Futaba is this appropriate?  
**rat baby:** um, of course  
**useless bisexual:** wait a minute THIS IS THE SONG U PLAYED IN MEMENTOS LIKE 3 DAYS AGO  
**rat baby:** :)  
**sh(akira):** She has this whole album downloaded  
**sh(akira):** Sometimes she’ll play it in Leblanc when there’s no customers around  
**ann (°◡°♡):** is this a song about fucking ghosts  
**rat baby:** no, but it’s a song about *fucking* ghosts  
**ann (°◡°♡):** GOD  
**useless bisexual:** I LOVE THIS  
**Makoto Niijima:** Do I need to delete this?  
**rat baby:** no  
**useless bisexual:** NO  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YES  
**sh(akira):** Leave it up, it’s fine  
**sh(akira):** Alright who’s next  
**useless bisexual:** uhhhh alright i got somethin  
**useless bisexual:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8acKYlpXqI>  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, I love that show!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** SAME  
**ann (°◡°♡):** where’d you find this anyway?  
**useless bisexual:** im subbed to like a shitload of channels w/ dogs in em  
**useless bisexual:** this is my favorite  
**sh(akira):** The boys are back in town  
**useless bisexual:** THEY ARE!!!  
**rat baby:** oh my god lo’s walk is so cute  
**rat baby:** go…. be free my daughter….  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are those things chickens??  
**useless bisexual:** i dunno but theyre ugly  
**ann (°◡°♡):** true  
**ann (°◡°♡):** OH MY GOD THEIR TINY BARKS  
**rat baby:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh my goodness...  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji I’m dead and this video killed me  
**useless bisexual:** I WATCH THIS SHIT LIKE EVERY DAY  
**rat baby:** lo is my favorite  
**Makoto Niijima:** Lo is very good.  
**sh(akira):** We are all love Lo  
**sh(akira):** Also, this video wins  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t know this was a contest??  
**sh(akira):** It wasn’t  
**sh(akira):** But this video won  
**useless bisexual:** lmao lets see somebody top that shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh yeah well step aside  
**ann (°◡°♡):** feast your eyes on THIS  
**ann (°◡°♡):** <http://www.spielzeugz.de/html5/sticky-thing/>  
**useless bisexual:** uh  
**useless bisexual:** its a pink squarish thing  
**ann (°◡°♡):** grab and drag it  
**useless bisexual:** oh  
**useless bisexual:** OH  
**useless bisexual:** yo what the fuck  
**ann (°◡°♡):** this is like the best site to go to when you’re bored  
**rat baby:** oh wow this is addicting  
**sh(akira):** Ann where the fuck do you find these things  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
**rat baby:** hey i love this  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you’re all welcome  
**sh(akira):** Alright, Ann’s currently in second place  
**useless bisexual:** HAHA  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I thought you said it wasn’t a contest !!!!  
**rat baby:** YEAH and why am i not in first place???  
**sh(akira):** Because I’ve heard that song a hundred times  
**rat baby:** …….. fair  
**useless bisexual:** im the fuckin internet king  
**Makoto Niijima:** I think I have something that’s a contender.  
**rat baby:** A CHALLENGER APPROACHES  
**useless bisexual:** oho really???  
**useless bisexual:** alright show me what u got  
**Makoto Niijima:** This one isn’t a link though, it’s a video file.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ann, I think you might know what I’m referring to.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ????  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do i?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Remember last week?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hm.. ……  
**ann (°◡°♡):** OH YEAH i think i do know what you’re talking about

_Makoto Niijima sent a file_

**Makoto Niijima:** I think this might be worthy of first place.  
**useless bisexual:** why are u and haru at the gym??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** just watch  
**sh(akira):** I don’t think I’ve seen someone pick their girlfriend up so quickly and efficiently in my life  
**useless bisexual:** omg how the hell did you manage to get her behind your head without dropping her??  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m trained in martial arts, you know.  
**useless bisexual:** oh right  
**useless bisexual:** wait a sec  
**useless bisexual:** ARE U REALLY DOING WHAT I THINK UR DOING  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i got to film this entire thing  
**rat baby:** ann you’re so lucky……...  
**sh(akira):** Are you seriously fucking deadlifting Haru in the middle of a gym  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes.  
**sh(akira):** Alright, Makoto wins  
**sh(akira):** Sorry not sorry Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** hHFGNFK WOW……..  
**useless bisexual:** man i dont even think i can deadlift akira  
**useless bisexual:** im jealous af right now  
**sh(akira):** Do it  
**sh(akira):** Hold me in your strong arms  
**useless bisexual:** I DONT WANNA DROP U IDIOT  
**sh(akira):** I trust those guns  
**useless bisexual:** hgfngjhh  
**rat baby:** no he would definitely drop you  
**useless bisexual:** SHUT UP no i wouldnt  
**useless bisexual:** ,,,,, at least not on purpose or anythin  
**Makoto Niijima:** As it turns out, deadlifting your significant other is very good exercise.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I think I got about 20 reps in before I had to put her down.  
**useless bisexual:** what the fuck  
**useless bisexual:** i gotta step up my game hot damn  
**ann (°◡°♡):** same goes for me, i wanna lift shiho someday…..  
**sh(akira):** You know who I bet could lift anyone in here  
**sh(akira):** Yusuke  
**rat baby:** i know you’re right but i don’t wanna admit it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke??? seriously??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he’s skinnier than a twig though  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yusuke is surprisingly strong.  
**useless bisexual:** yeah its tru  
**useless bisexual:** do u guys remember a month ago when i got brainwashed by that weakass enemy in mementos and he accidentally slapped me so hard i passed out  
**rat baby:** YEAH that was hilarious  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i mean….. yeah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s just weird to think about i guess  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he’s so docile most of the time  
**sh(akira):** Yusuke could throw me over his shoulder and I’d let him  
**useless bisexual:** oh i see how it is  
**useless bisexual:** am i not enough for u now???  
**sh(akira):** Nope  
**sh(akira):** Sometimes you just need a side hoe in your life  
**sh(akira):** Who also happens to probably be a furry  
**rat baby:** SO U ADMIT HE IS A FURRY!!!  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah  
**sh(akira):** He has a tail, I thought that was established already  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke is too good to be your side hoe  
**sh(akira):** It’s true, he deserves better  
**useless bisexual:** babe i can throw u over my shoulder if u want  
**rat baby:** wouldn’t u just accidentally stab him with ur weird metal backbone thing that sticks out of ur thief outfit??  
**sh(akira):** Worth it  
**useless bisexual:** ID BE CAREFUL  
**useless bisexual:** its not THAT pointy  
**rat baby:** hey where the hell is inari anyways ??  
**rat baby:** he usually comes online if we mention him even once  
**Makoto Niijima:** Kosei midterms are next week, remember?  
**Makoto Niijima:** He’s probably studying.  
**useless bisexual:** oh fuck i completely forgot he still had exams to do  
**useless bisexual:** jeez how much would it suck to be testing after all the shit that just happened  
**ann (°◡°♡):** a lot  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i hope he does alright  
**Makoto Niijima:** As do I.  
**sh(akira):** He’s smart, he’ll be fine  
**Makoto Niijima:** He didn’t know online shopping existed until I told him earlier this week.  
**sh(akira):** Nevermind  
**useless bisexual:** pFFT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you know, i’ll never get it…..  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he’s so good at art, but he’s dumber than a box of rocks  
**sh(akira):** Shhhhhh he’s our dumb box of rocks  
**sh(akira):** We’ll love him no matter what  
**sh(akira):** Even if he doesn’t know what Amazon is  
**rat baby:** now that i know this, i’m never speaking to him again  
**rat baby:** he has disgraced me. i didn’t raise him like this  
**useless bisexual:** u didnt raise him at all tho  
**useless bisexual:** hes older than u  
**rat baby:** I WAS KIDDING  
**rat baby:** if he tries messaging me on here, i’m only gonna message him back with pictures of lizards now  
**Makoto Niijima:** Why?  
**rat baby:** revenge  
**Makoto Niijima:** He’ll most likely just use them as drawing references, you know.  
**rat baby:** godammit  
**sh(akira):** Don’t worry he’ll love it  
**rat baby:** THAT’S NOT THE POINT  
**rat baby:** speak of the devil…….  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Were we talking about me?  
**sh(akira):** Nope  
**rat baby:** nuh uh  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, we were.  
**rat baby:** >:u  
**rat baby:** u ruined our cover  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Oh my, it seems I’ve missed quite a bit in my absence.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Is that… a video of Niijima-san lifting Haru?  
**useless bisexual:** sure is  
**sh(akira):** Yusuke do you think you could deadlift everyone in this chat  
**ann (°◡°♡):** jDKFH DON’T JUST ASK HIM THAT  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Surely not all at once...?  
**sh(akira):** No, just one at a time  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Well in that case, most likely yes.  
**rat baby:** i’ll die before i’d let you deadlift me  
**sh(akira):** He’s not actually going to, don’t worry  
**sh(akira):** Unless you want to, Yusuke?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I already know it’s possible, so I won’t need to.  
**useless bisexual:** oh yeah????  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin prove it then  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Do you really wish me to?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah sure i wanna see this  
**useless bisexual:** if u can deadlift my boyfriend ill give u 15 bucks  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That is a more than fair deal.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Very well, I accept.  
**sh(akira):** I’m ready for this  
**rat baby:** U DON’T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING  
**rat baby:** all u have to do is lay there  
**sh(akira):** Exactly  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys are fucking ridiculous  
**ann (°◡°♡):** alright well i’ve got a photoshoot today, so lemme know if yusuke accidentally kills akira or anything  
**ann (°◡°♡):** also let me know if haru talks to anybody!!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** We will, don’t worry.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Have fun at your shoot!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** thanks, i will ^u^

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** well hey yusuke do u just wanna meet at the gym since we got nothin else to do atm  
**useless bisexual:** ill bring the money  
**useless bisexual:** u bring….. well…. yourself  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** That is fine.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Would noon be acceptable?  
**useless bisexual:** that works for me  
**useless bisexual:** how bout u akira??  
**sh(akira):** I’m always available to get lifted atop someone’s strong shoulders  
**useless bisexual:** god youre so gay  
**sh(akira):** You know that better than anyone  
**useless bisexual:** tru  
**useless bisexual:** anyways see u guys there  
**useless bisexual:** im gonna stop for food on the way

_useless bisexual is now offline_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Very well, I’ll be there momentarily. 

_Yusuke Kitagawa is now offline_

**sh(akira):** You’ll keep us posted on Haru, right Makoto?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes of course.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Actually I might tag along to the gym just to clear my mind, would that be alright?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah sure, your gym is my gym  
**sh(akira):** You can use me for weight lifting purposes too as long as you’re there  
**Makoto Niijima:** Haha, thank you.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll let you know when I’m on the way.  
**sh(akira):** Sure thing

_sh(akira) is now offline_

_Makoto Niijima is now offline_


	15. death at a wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rat baby:** what do u think the odds are of me getting caught if i hack the speaker system during akechi's speech and play cotton eyed joe  
>  **sh(akira):** I mean I’d get a kick out of it but please dear god don’t do that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy i just barely got this chapter out on time lmaoooo
> 
> so this is just an FYI, but next monday i might not be able to upload a chapter like usual! i'll be in minneapolis for my cousin's wedding, so shit's gonna be a bit hectic til maybe tuesday or wednesday
> 
> but hey, if i can manage to get chapter 16 out before that, then great!
> 
> anywho chapter notes are gonna be a bit brief this week. i have another pegoryu [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id6x0s6KLeI) to recommend tho AND BEFORE YOU TELL ME THAT IT'S FROM THE CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS END CREDITS, yes i know that. it's still a great and cheesy pegoryu song.
> 
> without further ado, pls enjoy this week's boneless chapter

_October 30th 2016_  
_12:39 pm_

**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Apologies for the absence everyone… I must have worried you all sick.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But I’m back now! I had to help with the funeral preparations and some other things regarding the company.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** As it turns out, I’m actually the largest stockholder with Okumura Foods now… I’m not quite sure what to do about that.  
**rat baby:** H A R U  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Yes?  
**rat baby:** WELCOME BACK!!!  
**useless bisexual:** holy shit  
**useless bisexual:** thank god ur still alive  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I am alive and well!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** These past few days were difficult, but I will be alright.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I appreciate you all trying to post nice things for me once I came back, though. (´▽｀)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ohmygosh haru!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we’re so glad you’re okay!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we were all kinda worried about you, but don’t feel guilty or anything! you did what you had to do  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** It’s alright, my father had changed after all.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** The man who passed was not the man I once knew, I accept that now...  
**rat baby:** :(  
**rat baby:** i know how hard it is to lose a parent, so i get where you’re coming from  
**rat baby:** but hey, deal with it however you gotta deal with it,,,, everyone’s different  
**rat baby:** i’m still not entirely over losing my mom tbh  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh Futaba…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m so sorry, I had no idea.  
**rat baby:** no it’s ok!!!  
**rat baby:** i’m just like SUPER psyched you’re back  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Hehe, I’m glad to hear it.  
**useless bisexual:** hey so now that haru’s back w/ us and everythin  
**useless bisexual:** i had an idea i wanted to bounce off you guys  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what is it?  
**useless bisexual:** so we already had our welcome party for haru and everythin  
**useless bisexual:** but u guys already know how THAT ended up  
**useless bisexual:** so like…. .. what if we just had a low key welcome party instead  
**useless bisexual:** so we can forget about all the bad shit that happened at the first welcome party  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well i don’t really know how to say this but  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ryuji we can’t afford to go to destinyland twice  
**useless bisexual:** thats not what i meant !!!!!  
**useless bisexual:** i was gonna say that they pushed back the school festival to november 1st bc of all the whacky shit thats been happenin at shujin this year  
**useless bisexual:** so why dont we all get together at the festival and just hang out???  
**rat baby:** hmmmmmmmm  
**rat baby:** that does sound pretty fun actually  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** That sounds like a delightful plan! But you don’t have to do all of this just for me.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’d rather we just all go as friends, not as a party or celebration.  
**useless bisexual:** its whatever u want !!!  
**useless bisexual:** but hell yeah ill let akira kno  
**useless bisexual:** i think hes still asleep  
**ann (°◡°♡):** …… it’s noon  
**useless bisexual:** oh hes slept til like 3 before dw  
**rat baby:** that bitch sleeps like a log  
**rat baby:** hold on i’ll hack his phone alarm to go off  
**useless bisexual:** rest in pieces cause hes gonna kill u  
**rat baby:** can’t kill what he can’t catch  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what about yusuke though?? doesn’t he have exams that day?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** They let us out early on exam days.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** WHOA  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Sorry, did I startle you?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t even see that you were online  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but ok that’s perfect! we’ll all meet at the shujin entrance then?  
**useless bisexual:** sounds good to me  
**rat baby:** sure thing !  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I will try to be there on time.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** This is wonderful! Hopefully everyone will be able to make it.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m sure much of the school will have questions about what happened, since I won’t be able to attend classes for about another week due to family and company issues.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But really, thank you all so much. This really means a lot to me that you all would be willing to do this.  
**useless bisexual:** hey no prob!!! thats what friends are for and everythin  
**useless bisexual:** o look who woke up  
**sh(akira):** Futaba stop changing my alarm to the spiderman 2 pizza song  
**sh(akira):** Believe it or not it actually makes me wanna wake up less  
**rat baby:** (￣ω￣;)  
**rat baby:** i have no idea what you’re talking about.. ….  
**useless bisexual:** mornin sunshine  
**useless bisexual:** hey do you wanna come to the school festival w/ everyone tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** were gonna meet at the entrance and just walk around n chill  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah sure  
**sh(akira):** I was kinda planning on doing that anyway since everybody else at the school still thinks I killed a guy for some reason  
**ann (°◡°♡):** where did that rumor even start???  
**sh(akira):** No idea  
**sh(akira):** Do I look like I could kill a man  
**useless bisexual:** yea  
**rat baby:** kinda  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sometimes  
**sh(akira):** That was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear but alright  
**sh(akira):** Hey Haru did you ever let Makoto know that you’re y’know, here again  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh, yes!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I messaged her right before I came online, since I’m sure she was just as worried as the rest of you, if not moreso.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** She’s grocery shopping with her older sister right now.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Apparently her sister hasn’t had a day off in months, so I left her alone for the time being.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But she’s well aware! We can catch her up on out plans for Tuesday once she comes back online.  
**sh(akira):** Perfect  
**sh(akira):** Well in that case Tuesday can’t come quick enough  
**sh(akira):** You guys need to bring money though, I’m not paying for your food  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I have a question.  
**sh(akira):** Ok with the exception of Yusuke, I’m not paying for anybody’s food  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I hadn’t even asked my question yet...?  
**sh(akira):** Shh it’s ok  
**ann (°◡°♡):** pfft  
**rat baby:** so is that a no to paying for my food too??  
**sh(akira):** Use the allowance that Sojiro gives you  
**rat baby:** but i spent it all on a game last week!!  
**sh(akira):** I know you still have some saved, don’t lie to me  
**rat baby:** fiiiiine  
**ann (°◡°♡):** busted

\---

Akira tapped his foot steadily against the concrete steps leading up to Shujin Academy, glancing over the heads of strangers as he searched for any familiar faces.

“Maybe they got lost?” Morgana suggested from within his school bag. 

But Akira just shook his head, “I seriously doubt any of us would get lost at our own school, Morgana. I’ve only been here for like 6 months and I know the layout like the back of my hand.” 

Morgana just shrugged (which was honestly weird to watch a cat do) and disappeared back into Akira’s bag.

_Where the hell are they? The opening ceremony was like half an hour ago._

They’d agreed to meet her as soon as classes got out, but so far he hadn’t seen a sign of anybody. Not even Makoto, which sorta worried him.

Mishima had passed by earlier, but he’d wanted to go check out the maid cafe early and had agreed to meet up with them later on, running as fast as his legs could carry him.

Akira began drumming his fingers impatiently against his thigh.

Suddenly he felt the familiar buzz of his phone in his pocket. Taking it out quickly, he stole a glance at his notifications.

_(3) notifications from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** bruh where are u  
**useless bisexual:** ive been lookin for everyone since they let all the classes go  
**useless bisexual:** i found ann so far

Akira glanced up again to see if he could find Ryuji or Ann before looking back down at his phone to reply.

 **sh(akira):** I’m right by the front entrance  
**sh(akira):** Y’know, where we literally all agreed to meet  
**useless bisexual:** im lookin at the front entrance and i dont see u  
**sh(akira):** I’m like the only person who’s standing here, how can you not see me  
**useless bisexual:** bc theres a shitload of ppl walkin around!!!  
**useless bisexual:** here lemme get closer

Akira glanced up again and scoured the crowd for any sign of unruly blond hair, but there was nothing. Sighing heavily, he resorted to jumping up on his tiptoes slightly to get a better view.

 **useless bisexual:** OH SHIT wait i think i see u  
**useless bisexual:** ur the guy thats jumpin right  
**sh(akira):** Unfortunately  
**useless bisexual:** hold on im coming  
**sh(akira):** That’s what she said  
**useless bisexual:** bitch i will throw my sneaker at u

At last he caught sight of Ann’s pigtails and Ryuji’s neon yellow t-shirt slipping through the crowd. He waved a greeting as they quickly climbed up the stairs towards him. 

“Took you guys long enough,” He said as Ryuji fake-threateningly moved to take his shoe off.

Ann tried to catch her breath as she looked back behind her, “Makoto and Yusuke aren’t far behind,” she said. “Yusuke got distracted by a booth selling homemade keychains or something, so Makoto told us to go on ahead without them.”

Akira snorted at that. “Of course he did. Anyways, did you guys see any cool stuff on the way over here? Other than keychains, I mean.”

Ryuji perked up, “I think there’s a place that’s doin’ yakiniku over on the other side of the courtyard. If there is, I totally wanna try it.” 

“Ok but can you _pay_ for it?” Ann chided him. Ryuji opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but quickly closed it.

Just then, Makoto rounded a corner with Yusuke in tow. 

“All right, we’re finally here,” She announced, letting go of Yusuke’s arm as he rubbed it slightly. “It took longer than we thought it would, but I think we’re all together now.”

The five of them were just about to head inside before Akira hesitated, “Wait, where are Haru and Futaba?”

Makoto waved a hand, “Haru and Futaba are already inside, they arrived during the opening ceremony. Honestly they’re probably waiting for us as we speak, we should get going.”

Akira shrugged and followed the rest of their group into the school lobby. Needless to say, the school festival this year was _packed_. 

“I bet it’s cause of all the popularity Shujin’s been gettin’ in the news lately. Seems like everyone wants to get a look at this place,” Ryuji said noncommittally. 

He seemed to be right, since there were way more unfamiliar faces than Akira had expected to see here today. Also, were those news reporters?

Makoto seemed to take notice as well, leaning in further as to not be heard, “The Okumura incident is still fresh in everyone’s minds, so we have to be careful about what we say, got it?”

“That means you, Ryuji.” Morgana added, his head poking out of Akira’s bag.

“Y’know that pets aren’t allowed on school grounds, right? If anybody even sees you they’ll throw you out.” Ryuji deadpanned right back.

“I’m not a pet!” Morgana hissed at him before ducking his tiny head back into Akira’s schoolbag.

Almost immediately after that, Akira spotted the fluffy head of hair that belonged to Haru approaching them. She was being followed closely by Futaba, who was sticking faithfully to her side like a burr.

“Apologies for not waiting where you could see us easily,” Haru began, “Futaba wanted to look at some of the displays they had but didn’t want to go on her own, so I accompanied her.”

Futaba scratched her head bashfully, “It’s my first school festival, so I got kinda overwhelmed by all the people here… sorry.”

Ryuji waved a hand, “No problem. We got kinda lost on the way in here anyway, and we actually go to school here.” Futaba laughed a bit at that.

Makoto looked around at the group before clapping her hands together and speaking once again, “Well I’m starving, but first I want to talk to you all about some things.” 

“What sorts of things?” Yusuke inquired.

She glanced back at the TV crew that was setting up in one of the corners of the room, “There are too many people around to talk now. Do you know of anywhere we can eat without being overheard?”

Ann’s hand shot up, “I do! Our class’s refreshment stand is probably deserted right now... it’s unfortunate for our class, but lucky for us at least.”

“Lead the way.” Makoto said, gesturing forward.

\---

“We’ll bring that right out for you!”

Akira watched as the girl in the maid costume sauntered back behind their class’s refreshment stand to prepare the takoyaki they’d all ordered.

Morgana took the opportunity to stretch his legs a bit as he slunk out of Akira’s bag and into Haru’s lap, flicking his tail back and forth as she stroked his sleek, black fur.

“Russian takoyaki sounds so exotic,” Haru wondered aloud as she pet Morgana. “What do you think makes it Russian instead of regular takoyaki?

“Hell if I know,” Ryuji responded, turning towards Akira. “You think they even got octopuses in Russia?” He asked.

Akira just pondered for a moment and shrugged, “It’s probably too cold for them. Aren’t they tropical or something?” 

Nobody actually knew how to answer that.

“We’re dumb as shit,” Ryuji admitted, letting his forehead fall onto the table with a _thump_. Akira followed suit and laid his head on top of Ryuji’s, headbutting him accidentally in the process. 

“Ow.” Ryuji said.

Futaba leaned forward, “Isn’t the plural of octopus ‘octopi’ or am I wrong?”

Makoto smirked and crossed her arms in a way that said: _I am about to drop the greatest fucking tidbit of knowledge on all of you, so pay attention._ “Actually, Ryuji was right the first time.” She admitted.

Ryuji’s head shot up, scaring Akira. “Wait, really?!” Ryuji gasped.

“Well, you would have been if we were speaking English anyway.” She said after a moment of hesitation. 

Ryuji’s head fell back on the table.

Makoto ignored him and continued, “The traditional english plural of octopus is octopuses, but if we were speaking in the original Greek in which the word octopus comes from, we’d actually be saying octopodes.”

Nobody really knew what the hell she was talking about, but they all nodded anyway.

“As it turns out, many people think the plural is octopi because they’re thinking in latin plurals, which is incorrect.” At this point Makoto looked awfully proud of herself. “Interesting right?”

“Wow, you sure aren’t an honor student for nothing,” Morgana noted.

Ann still looked puzzled, however. “Well then, what’s the plural of octopus in Japanese?” 

Makoto shot her an equally puzzled look, “Ann... we don’t have plurals in Japanese.”

The table was completely quiet for a moment before Ann joined Ryuji and thunked her head against the tabletop.

“Being bilingual sucks,” She wailed.

“At least you have the gift of understanding more than one language,” Yusuke said in an attempt to make her feel better. “I only understand one.”

“Wait, does that mean you know any cusses in English?!” Futaba asked, slamming her hands on the table as Haru burst into laughter, startling Morgana back into Akira’s bag.

Before Makoto had the chance to scold Futaba, there was the sound of heels clicking on the hardwood floor as the student in the maid costume came back with their order. 

“One Russian takoyaki, just for you!” She beamed before setting the food down and returning back behind the refreshment stand.

“Finally!” Ann brightened up again at the prospect of food.

… Well, at least they finally knew why it was called ‘Russian’ takoyaki.

It looked the exact same as regular takoyaki, but with a single bright red takoyaki ball on the very top of the pile. It even _smelled_ a bit different it was so strong... Akira felt sorry for whoever decided to eat that one.

“So who wants to eat the death ball? Cause it’s not gonna be me,” Futaba said without hesitation.

“Nose goes?” Ann suggested.

Haru raised her hand slightly, “I’ll eat it. I actually enjoy spicy things quite a lot.” Makoto gave her a look that somehow conveyed both confusion and fear at the same time.

Before Haru could nab the spicy looking takoyaki ball though, she turned to Makoto, “Actually, wasn’t there a reason we decided to eat back here in the first place? Didn’t you need to tell us something?”

Makoto shifted in her seat a bit, fidgeting with her skirt. “Yes actually, there was...” she admitted. “It’s about this year’s panel guest.”

Morgana’s head emerged out of Akira’s bag, “Yeah, you never did tell us who the guest was even though you counted all the votes.”

“Ohhhh yeahhh, I’ve been tryna ask around about who we got this year, but I figured it was just another idol or somethin’.” Ryuji scratched his head as he grabbed one of the takoyaki balls out of the pile.

“Well, you’re not too far off the mark. It’s Akechi.” She said.

Ryuji nearly spit out his takoyaki.

“W- whoa whoa holy shit what?!” He sputtered. “I thought you said we were supposed to be layin’ low and not gettin’ involved with the police!”

“We aren’t!” Makoto argued, “He won the majority vote fair and square! I couldn’t just pick someone else and say they won, people would never believe me.”

Yusuke looked apprehensive, “As long as we don’t say anything to give ourselves away it should be fine… right?”

“You’re underestimating Akechi’s ability to be a nosy piece of shit,” Ann scoffed. “I swear, it’s like he’s never satisfied with just minding his own business.”

“Well I mean, he’s a detective,” said Akira. “It’s literally his job not to mind his own business.”

“You know what I meant!” Ann yelled, throwing the toothpick from her takoyaki at him and accidentally hitting Morgana instead. “Oh gosh, sorry Mona!” 

Morgana just flicked his ear irritatedly before batting Akira’s takoyaki off its toothpick with a paw and stealing it for himself. 

Akira glared at Morgana and stole Ryuji’s takoyaki instead. 

“Hey I was eatin’ that!” Ryuji huffed.

“I know. And now I’m eating it.”

Everyone took a regular takoyaki from the pile as Akira and Ryuji argued over who the stolen food actually belonged to, when suddenly they all heard a familiar voice.

“I guess I was lucky to come on a day where everyone is present, wasn’t I?” 

The comedic timing in which everyone’s head whipped around was priceless.

Akechi was striding down the abandoned hallway towards them, the same (probably fake) smile on his face as he approached their table.

“So, how is everyone today?” He asked cheerily.

Akira considered the consequences of just sliding down out of his chair and onto the floor to hide under the table until Akechi left, but that would probably be as awkward as it would be unsuccessful.

“Aren’t you not supposed to be here til tomorrow? That’s when the panel is.” Ryuji said with a poisonous look on his face.

Akechi shrugged, “I wanted to check out the venue. I can’t afford to mess up in front of such a big crowd, you know.”

Akira noticed Futaba roll her eyes as she tapped out something on her phone. 

He felt a buzz in his pocket.

_You have (1) notifications from rat baby_

**rat baby:** what do u think the odds are of me getting caught if i hack the speaker system during akechi’s speech and play cotton eyed joe  
**sh(akira):** I mean I’d get a kick out of it but please dear god don’t do that  
**rat baby:** u sure? i could always play the bass boosted version  
**sh(akira):** Do you want us to get arrested

Akira felt Ryuji elbow him in the side as he glanced up. Akechi was looking at him expectantly. 

“Sorry what?” Akira asked.

“I was just asking if you were enjoying yourself, since after all this is your first time at the Shujin school festival, is it not?” Akechi asked.

“Oh, yeah it’s good... better than good, actually,” Akira lied. 

Suddenly his attention was caught by the bright red takoyaki ball left sitting in its dish.

… Hm, interesting.

“We were just having lunch actually,” Akira said, gesturing to the very last, bright red takoyaki ball. 

“Oh, do you mind if I have the last one?” Akechi asked.

“Not al all,” Akira answered smugly.

Akira dared to look at everyone’s expressions and he was not disappointed.

Futaba looked like she was having the time of her life, meanwhile Ann and Ryuji looked like they were about ready to piss themselves trying to keep it together. The scene seemed to play out in slow motion as Akechi did the one thing that none of them had the courage to do. 

They watched as he ate the whole thing in one bite, no hesitation whatsoever. “Mm, these are pretty good!”

Then all at once he looked like he was about ready to die.

Akira didn’t think he’d ever seen Akechi so unraveled before; His face was a bright red and tears pricked his eyes as he tried desperately to keep it together.

Ryuji was also trying extremely hard to keep it together. 

“You alright dude?” He asked, just barely keeping the laughter out of his voice.

“Y-yeah,” Akechi managed to cough out, “It’s just… uh… s-spicier than I thought it would be-” He swallowed at he tried to keep his voice from cracking.

Ann was almost as red as Akechi was, “We can get you some water if you need it!”

“No th-that’s fine! I’m, uh, probably needed elsewhere anyways…” Akechi stuttered. “I’ll see you all t-t-tomorrow!”

And with that, he hurried back down the hallway as quickly as he could without sprinting.

Akira couldn’t even hold back his hoarse laughter if he tried to, Ryuji and Futaba joining him immediately after Akechi was out of sight.

Makoto leaned all the way across the table just to punch Akira in the arm as he tried to support himself against Ryuji’s side. “You idiot! Are you trying to get us found out?”

“It’s fine Makoto!” Ryuji gasped for air in between his laughter, “The guy’s prolly too busy chugging water right now to even think about any of that stuff.” 

Ann could help but giggle too, tears coming to her eyes. “Ok, Ok, that was pretty good I have to admit.”

Even Haru and Yusuke were grinning at this point, clearly amused.

Futaba snorted with laughter. “That’s like, what, the third time we’ve pranked him? I’m literally never gonna get tired of this.”

Akira was starting to come back to himself as he replied, “God I don’t even know, and honestly I don’t even care. It never gets less funny.”

“You were so smooth too, he didn’t even have a chance,” Ryuji’s laughter died down as he buried his face in Akira’s side. “That was so funny I could marry you right now, holy shit.”

“I have a ring pop in my pocket, you could always use that,” Futaba suggested.

“Oh my god, give it,” Ryuji made a grabbing motion with his hands as Futaba tossed the ring pop at him.

Ann had her face buried in her hands as she continued to try and muffle her laughter, “Are we really doing this right now?” 

“Wait, we need 2 ring pops, I need this to be a double proposal like you see in romcoms,” Akira said as Ryuji literally got out of his chair and onto one knee.

“Sorry, I only got the one.” Futaba shrugged.

“Is anyone here an officiator?” Haru asked, “We could do the wedding as long as we’re thinking about it.”

“We aren’t marrying our friends at the school festival!” Even Makoto was laughing now.

At this point Ryuji was already kneeling on the ground, tearing the ring pop out of its packaging and holding it out.

“Will you, Akira Kurusu, master of pranks, puppetmaster of dicks and stealer of hearts, take this ring pop in holy matrimony?”

“I will,” Akira said, grinning.

“Sweet, let’s make out.”

Morgana hopped out of Akira’s schoolbag, “OKAY, I’m done here. If you two are gonna be gross then I’m going home.”

Yusuke looked at the clock, “I think most of the refreshment stands are starting to close up anyway. Should we all meet back here at the same time tomorrow for the panel?”

Makoto nodded in agreement, “That should be just fine. We should probably leave for now though, I don’t want any interviewers getting a hold of us on the way out.”

“Fiiiiine,” Ryuji said. “I hope you had a good time though, Haru.”

“I did!” Haru beamed, “I’m really glad you all recommended this.”

“Even if the takoyaki was a bit mediocre?” Morgana asked.

Haru giggled a bit at that. “Yes, even if it was,” she said as she stood, intertwining her hand with Makoto’s on their way out.


	16. you can't spell friendship without blackmail (or maybe you can)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** I’m just a simple man  
>  **sh(akira):** A simple man with an unlimited pasta pass in my pocket and a boner in my heart  
>  **ann (°◡°♡):** please never say that in my presence again  
>  **ann (°◡°♡):** or at all, ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this chapter was REALLY DELAYED, so i really apologize for that first and foremost!! the wedding was awesome, but some family decided to stay with us (plus i had work) so it kinda got in the way of my writing schedule lmao,,,,,
> 
> anywho it's finally up so who cares! we finally get some Choice Akechi™ scenes in this chapter, as well as some general pegoryu shenanigans. it took forever, but i really enjoyed writing this chapter so i hope the wait was worth it :3c
> 
> also, this is a bit unrelated but i'm going to be at anime iowa during the weekend of july 28th-30th! so u kno what that means...... there might be another chapter delay. but i'll try my darnedest to upload close to monday ^^
> 
> it's great to be back, pls enjoy this week's chapter !

_October 30th 2016_  
_10:32 pm_

_You have (1) notifications from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** hey did i leave my hoodie at your house?  
**sh(akira):** No  
**useless bisexual:** are u sure?? i usually hang it on my bed but its been missin for like 3 days  
**sh(akira):** That’s weird  
**useless bisexual:** …………..  
**useless bisexual:** its at ur house isnt it  
**sh(akira):** I already told you it wasn’t  
**useless bisexual:** i cant believe u took my FAVORITE hoodie  
**sh(akira):** I thought you said the skeletor hoodie was your favorite?  
**useless bisexual:** SO U ADMIT U TOOK IT !!!!  
**sh(akira):** I never said that  
**useless bisexual:** u didnt deny it tho  
**sh(akira):** Alright this is ridiculous  
**sh(akira):** I didn’t take it on purpose, but yes you left it here  
**useless bisexual:** HAHAH  
**useless bisexual:** anyway can u give it back before the panel tomorrow  
**sh(akira):** Why?  
**useless bisexual:** cause its my fuckin hoodie thats why  
**useless bisexual:** ……. also the auditorium is cold  
**sh(akira):** Pfft  
**sh(akira):** Alright but I’m washing it first  
**useless bisexual:** wait actually dont  
**sh(akira):** No I definitely am  
**sh(akira):** I’ve been sleeping in it and it’s covered in Morgana fur  
**useless bisexual:** nah ill wash it later  
**sh(akira):** ?????  
**sh(akira):** Do you hate being clean  
**useless bisexual:** NO  
**sh(akira):** I’m trying to be a good citizen here, why don’t you want me to wash your nasty ass hoodie  
**useless bisexual:** BECAUSE U SMELL REALLY GOOD  
**sh(akira):** Thanks, but that has nothing to do with your gross hoodie  
**useless bisexual:** no idiot  
**useless bisexual:** im sayin that since its been at ur house for a few days it probably smells like u  
**useless bisexual:** u smell like,,,, really nice dude  
**useless bisexual:** idk how to describe it but its almost ….. comfortin  
**useless bisexual:** this probably sounds rly weird and dumb i think ill stop talkin now  
**sh(akira):** No it’s alright  
**sh(akira):** To be honest I’ve never really thought about what I smell like  
**sh(akira):** But… thanks  
**sh(akira):** This is weirdly flustering  
**useless bisexual:** hnfkghgsd thats hard to believe  
**useless bisexual:** but yeah man you kinda smell like.. … coffee and that really nice cologne u use sometimes  
**useless bisexual:** this is gonna sound stupid but u smell like home  
**sh(akira):** Dude stop I’m blushing  
**useless bisexual:** NEVER  
**useless bisexual:** alright fine maybe just this once  
**useless bisexual:** everythin i said is tru tho  
**sh(akira):** Hey  
**sh(akira):** Do you like cheddar  
**useless bisexual:** uh  
**useless bisexual:** yea sure i guess?  
**sh(akira):** Because you are one cheesy motherfucker  
**useless bisexual:** JNSKFHF I KNOW  
**useless bisexual:** u are too dont even lie  
**sh(akira):** Guilty as charged  
**sh(akira):** But hey I’ve been meaning to ask you something  
**useless bisexual:** yea? shoot  
**sh(akira):** I have a really bad feeling about the panel tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** i mean we all kinda do  
**useless bisexual:** u never know whats gonna happen when it comes to akechi  
**useless bisexual:** that lil shit  
**sh(akira):** Yeah...  
**sh(akira):** Ugh, I dunno  
**sh(akira):** I feel like he’s got something planned  
**useless bisexual:** dont jinx it  
**sh(akira):** Haha, I feel like it’s a little too late for that  
**sh(akira):** But whatever, I’m probably just being paranoid  
**useless bisexual:** hey dont worry about it  
**useless bisexual:** this okumura shit will all blow over before u know it  
**useless bisexual:** anyways its gettin late so im outta here  
**sh(akira):** Same  
**sh(akira):** Have fun dreaming about your nasty hoodie  
**useless bisexual:** its only as nasty as the guy who wears it  
**sh(akira):** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**useless bisexual:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\---

Akira was sweating bullets.

He, Ryuji, Ann, and Yusuke were all standing atop the walkway looking over the school auditorium; Haru and Futaba were seated below as all of them watched the scene unfold.

Makoto had been mercilessly grilling Akechi for answers during the panel, and it seemed they’d gotten themselves into pretty deep water. The young detective smiled pleasantly as he waited for Makoto to ask the next question.

Akira felt Ryuji fidget restlessly next to him as he muttered under his breath, “C’mon Makoto, don’t do it…”

Akira watched as Makoto hesitated and gripped the mic almost unnoticeably firmer. Clearing her throat, she did what she had to do.

“Who do you think the Phantom Thieves are, Akechi-san?”

Ryuji tensed next to him, his knuckles practically turning white from how hard he was holding onto the flimsy railing lining the auditorium. Ann and Yusuke were completely unblinking as they all waited for Akechi’s answer.

Akechi grinned as he looked out over the audience, leaning into the mic. “They’re people you all know quite well. The identity of the Phantom Thieves are-”

Suddenly the tension in the air was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Akechi looked startled as he pulled out his own phone and stole a glance at it.

“Oh, it’s mine. I apologize for the interruption, but I can’t turn off my phone due to my job.” He turned to Makoto, “Would you mind if I step away for about… ten minutes or so?”

Makoto nodded and turned back towards the audience as she spoke, “I’m terribly sorry everyone, but we’ll be taking a break. We’ll resume the panel in ten minutes.”

Loud chattering broke out across the auditorium as the audience wriggled in their seats, still eager to hear Akechi’s opinion. Ryuji scoffed as he kicked at the railing lightly, “Figures he’d get a call right about now.”

Ann pointed down at the center stage though, “Hey look…”

They watched as Akechi approached Makoto, talking to her for a moment before she stiffened slightly and followed after him. She looked up and made eye contact with their group, nodding and gesturing towards the PE faculty office.

“I… think she wants us to follow her,” Yusuke said hesitantly.

“Well shit,” said Akira.

\---

As soon as all eight of them had gathered in the office, Akechi tossed down a stack of photos on a desk. They showed Yusuke and Ann exiting the Metaverse, appearing seemingly out of thin air.

“You sneaky bitch!” Ann pointed an accusatory finger at Akechi. 

“I have video evidence as well,” he said, ignoring her and adjusting the cuffs of his jacket. “So let’s get right to the point. I presume this means we’re all able to go to that other world, yes?”

He was met with a stunned silence.

“You… you know about that?” Yusuke asked in a hushed voice.

“Of course,” Akechi began, “I have the same powers as you, after all.”

Akechi then launched into an explanation about how he discovered these new abilities about a month ago, showing them the Metanav app as proof. He also admitted that he truly meant it when he believed they were innocent of Okumura’s murder. 

“We really didn’t kill anyone, that’s not how we operate.” Haru said with conviction.

“I am aware,” Akechi agreed, “but clearly the public doesn’t. Your reputation as valiant thieves is fast declining.”

Ryuji shuffled his feet agitatedly, “So what? We know that already. You’re the one who dragged us in here in the first place, so stop monologuin’ and cut to the chase.”

Akechi grabbed his phone and flipped through it, holding it out so they could see the picture on the screen. It looked to be some sort of costumed figure in dark clothes and a mask... or maybe it was a helmet of some sort?

“This is the true culprit,” Akechi stated. “I saw him when I entered that other world, and it nearly cost me my life. He shot at me and I managed to escape, but that’s what caused me to awaken to these abilities in the first place.”

“Whoa.” Futaba muttered.

Morgana finally stepped forward. “So you have a persona then too, huh?” 

Akechi jumped slightly and looked down at the desk where Morgana was standing. “Did that cat just… talk? I swear it just said something...”

Ann snorted, “Yeah, that’s Morgana. He’s sort of like our…” she trailed off a bit. “What would you guys call him?”

“Spirit guide?” Futaba suggested.

“Menace,” Ryuji mumbled under his breath.

“Teammate,” Makoto decided for them, shooting Ryuji and Futaba a look.

Akechi stared at Morgana a few moments longer before responding. “...I see,” he said hesitantly.

“You’ll get used to it,” Akira said finally. “But you look like you wanna say something else. And not just, y’know, bring us in here to accuse us of shit we’re actually guilty of.”

“And show us pictures of creepy murder dudes on your phone,” Futaba added.

“And that,” Akira agreed.

Akechi cleared his throat, “Well yes, I was hoping to strike a deal with all of you-”

“We don’t want your shit,” Ryuji interrupted.

The young detective chuckled, “Now hold on just a minute, this is beneficial for you too.” Ryuji just folded his arms and huffed. 

“I’m hoping to save you all from this situation and gain your cooperation in investigating the truth. I want to catch this culprit and rescue the Phantom Thieves from wrongful conviction,” Goro concluded.

Ann stepped forward. “Who says they’ll find us? Sure they think the Phantom Thieves are guilty, but they don’t know it’s us,” she pointed out.

Akechi thought for a moment. “Well, they know Okumura’s daughter,” He began. “They could simply frame her for murder, and who knows? If Sae-san becomes desperate enough, she might just fake a confession. I wouldn’t put it past her.”

Haru let out a small gasp as Makoto came to stand in front of her defensively, “My sister would never do that!” She said, raising her voice. “Besides... they’ve got another thing coming if they think they can accuse Haru with no evidence or basis. I won’t let them do it, I just can’t.

Akechi smiled, “Well in that case, you lose absolutely nothing by accepting my offer. In fact, I might just sweeten the deal by agreeing to turn a blind eye to everything you’ve done thus far. After all, you wouldn’t want the police finding out about your little… side hobby now would you?”

“That ain’t justice, that’s blackmail…” Ryuji growled as Akira smoothed a hand up his back calmingly.

“I only ask one other thing in return,” Akechi continued. “You must disband the Phantom Thieves after this. I can’t have you continuing to interfere with our investigations.”

The room fell silent as they pondered what to do about Akechi’s proposal. 

“Should we really?” Yusuke asked, sounding doubtful.

Akira thought about what Akechi was offering... sure, if they refused they’d probably all get tossed in some musty jail cell and left to their fates, but accepting it was dangerous too. Working closely with a member of the police to catch some guy they had no leads on? It seemed pretty farfetched. 

But what other choice did they have?

If he was being honest, Akira already knew what his answer was, but he just really didn’t want to give Akechi the feeling of accomplishment he came for. He also couldn’t help but wonder what Akechi’s Metaverse form looked like…

Probably something dumb, like the hamburglar. Or maybe not. Who the hell knows. 

Akira decidedly spoke up once again, “We’ll think on it,” He declared. “This is a lot you’re asking of us, so at least give us a little time to decide.”

“I’ll give you as much time as I’m able,” Akechi nodded.

“You’re not seriously considerin’ lettin’ him use us for his plans, are you?” Ryuji looked frantically back and forth between Akira and the others.

“It’s one of the only options we have, unless we want to be found out,” Morgana said solemnly as he padded up to sit at the edge of the desk. 

“I’m glad we’ve come to favorable terms,” Akechi said, giving one of those fake smiles once again. “I look forward to hearing your answer. But if you can, please try to make your decision as quick as possible.”

He began to saunter out of the room before turning back to Makoto, “Oh, and my apologies, but do you think we could we end the panel here? We both got what we came for after all, so there’s really no point in me sticking around.”

“... I suppose I’ll deal with it somehow, don’t worry about it.” Makoto answered, sounding a bit defeated.

The mood in the room declined considerably after Akechi left. They soon realized that he had cornered them at every turn. All of his answers were calculated and well thought out, they hadn’t even had chance. It felt like a kick straight to the gut.

“Well this is fuckin’ great,” Ryuji deadpanned. 

Akira hummed in agreement, “I guess since the panel is over there isn’t really anything else going on,” he said.

“Well... unless you count the post festival party,” Ryuji remarked, “so I guess we still got some time to kill. I don’t really feel like goin’ home anyways, so whaddya say? You wanna come with?”

“Hmmm… do you think it’ll suck?” Akira asked, grinning.

“Absolutely,” Ryuji answered. 

“Then count me in.”

\---

“That was another great performance by the Dance club! Everyone give them another round of applause!”

The harsh echoing of the festival announcer’s voice rang throughout the room as the half hearted applause of the students filled the air.

“Well that _definitely_ sucked,” Ryuji muttered under his breath as he, Akira and Mishima leaned against the wall to the side of the chairs on the gymnasium.

It was the post-festival celebration, which was less of a... celebration? And more of just sitting in the gym for an hour or two against your will and listening to the same guy drone on about things that were _honestly_ a lot less exciting than he tried to make them sound.

“I dunno, I thought they were alright,” Mishima piped up from his spot on the floor, sitting with his back propped up against the wall. “I think that was the last event for the night though,” he hesitated. “Unless…”

“And now it’s time for your favorite Shujin tradition: the Student Sharing Special!”

Oh god.

Akira hadn’t ever participated in the Student Sharing Special, but from what he’d heard, it was an event where they would call up random students (since nobody in their right minds ever volunteered) to share their thoughts and opinions for no actual reason.

Unless of course, complete and utter embarrassment counted as a reason.

Ryuji scoffed, “They’re still doin’ this? You’d think they’d learn from what happened last year.”

“What happened last year?” Akira asked.

Mishima hopped up on his feet again, “Ohhhh that’s right! You weren’t here for the Student Sharing Special last year, were you?” 

Akira shook his head. 

“Well, it was two things actually: one kid tried singing a cover of ‘Under Pressure’ before he got booted off, and the next person tried to crowdsurf and ended up spraining their wrist.”

“God, now I really _do_ wish I was here last year.”

Ryuji chuckled, “Yeah, no you don’t. The administration had to pull us all aside the next day durin’ class and lecture us on ‘public safety’ or whatever the hell it was.”

Akira snorted and looked back to the stage, where the announcer was goading the audience into sending out a volunteer to humiliate themselves.

“All right, who has something to say? Anyone, anybody at all?”

Ryuji looked around the crowd before his eyes settled on Mishima, an idea suddenly popping into his head.

“Oh, over here! This dude’s got somethin’ to say!” Ryuji shouted, waving and pointing at Mishima.

Mishima just about jumped out of his skin, “Wh-what!? No, no I don’t!”

It seemed like this was the one year where the announcer took pity on those with social anxiety and decided to bail Mishima out of a disastrous situation. 

Akira watched as the announcer squinted at their corner of the gymnasium, pretending not to see Mishima. “Hmm, I don’t really know who ‘this guy’ is unfortunately.” he said, feigning ignorance. “Ah well... why don’t you step on up here instead, blondie?” He asked, pointing directly at Ryuji.

“WHAT?” Ryuji practically squeaked as snickers of laughter filled the air from their classmates surrounding them, including Mishima.

Akira placed a hand on Ryuji’s shoulder as he made direct eye contact with him. 

“This is absolutely karma.” He said, pushing him towards the stage.

Ryuji groaned pitifully as Akira yelled after him, “Good luck! I’ll make sure to send flowers to your grave every week!”

Ryuji regretfully climbed up the steps to the stage where they had a mic set out. Akira and Mishima rushed to find seats in the front row, eager to watch the chaos unfold. In all honesty though, Akira just wanted to watch his boyfriend get flustered in front of tons of people. 

Does that make him a sadist? Probably. 

Ryuji cleared his throat as the announcer asked “So, what’s your name?”

“Um, Sakamoto.” Ryuji responded. Akira could already see the tips of his ears turning red from where he was standing. This was perfect. 

“Ahhh, Sakamoto! Well, you sure look like someone with pent up anger towards society,” the announcer exclaimed. Ryuji just fixed him with a look. 

Now it was the announcer’s turn to look embarrassed. “Uh... anyway, on with the show! So Sakamoto-kun... is there anything you’d like to share with us today?”

Ryuji said nothing. Honestly, Akira didn’t even see him breathing.

It was then Akira heard a familiar voice whisper behind him, “Oh my god is that Ryuji?”

Apparently Ann had entered the gymnasium late without Akira noticing. She walked quietly up to the front row and picked a spot next to him and Mishima. “Sure is,” Akira responded. 

At this point Ryuji was sweating up on stage, hardly daring to move a muscle.

“Um, Sakamoto-kun?” The announcer looked worried now.

“Ummmm… uhhhh...” Ryuji scratched his head anxiously, tapping the toe of his shoe against the hardwood floor. 

The announcer chuckled a bit. “Well Sakamoto-kun, you might appear tough but it looks like you’ve got a nasty case of stage fright!”

A few more brief snickers filled the air as the announcer continued, “It’s all right, I’ll give you a question. So, do you think that the Phantom Thieves are really Shujin students?

Ryuji jolted a bit at that, “Huh?!” he looked panicked.

The announcer just walked closer, “We’re all dying to know what Akechi-kun was going to say about their true identities. I mean, are they really from Shujin? What do you think, Sakamoto-kun?” 

“U-um, well,” Ryuji began to stutter.

Ann whistled lowly under her breath, “Wow, he’s really dying out there.”

“Yeah I know,” Mishima agreed. 

_If he accidentally spills the beans I swear to god_ , Akira thought, but suddenly an idea passed through his mind. 

He beckoned both Ann and Mishima closer so they wouldn’t be heard. “I have an idea, but you gotta gimme a number 1-10 on if I should actually do it or not,” he whispered.

“Uh, 3?” Mishima whispered back.

“24.” Ann said without hesitation.

At this point Ryuji was still tripping over his words, attempting to get an answer out that wouldn’t draw suspicion and failing miserably, “S-so uh, y-yknow…”

Without further ado, Akira stood up and cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting up at the stage.

“HEY, CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER?”

Ryuji looked like he was about ready to die.

The announcer was grinning profusely, having the time of his life. “Ohhhh, looks like you’ve got a not-so-secret admirer, Sakamoto!”

Muffled laughter was coming from the area where Akira’s classmates were seated, echoing throughout the large room. Akira was well aware that his class already knew the two of them were dating. After all, Ryuji came all the way upstairs to their classroom to eat lunch with him pretty much every single day. It was hard not to catch on after a while.

However, the rest of the audience was either very confused or very much enjoying this... probably a mix of both.

Ann looked like she was having a stroke from holding in so much laughter, while Mishima had an abject look of disbelief on his face. 

But Akira wasn’t done yet. 

“I KNOW THIS IS SUDDEN BUT I JUST REALLY WANT THOSE DIGITS.”

Ryuji had his face covered at this point, the tips of his ears blazing red and visible from Akira’s seat. The announcer took the opportunity and ran with it, “Well Sakamoto-kun? Are you going to give him an answer or what?”

Ryuji managed a miniscule shake of his head while still hiding his face in his hands.

“DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, AN INSTAGRAM OR A TWITTER THAT I CAN FOLLOW?”

Akira could hear Ann wheezing behind him, joined shortly by Mishima and a few others further back in the crowd.

The announcer finally decided to give Ryuji a break, “Well it looks like Sakamoto-kun won’t be giving our suitor an answer today... that’s alright though, why don’t we have this outspoken admirer step up here on the stage instead?”

Welp, shit.

The crowd gave a few wolf whistles as Ryuji ran down the steps to the stage as fast as possible without tripping, lightly punching Akira in the shoulder a few times before flopping into a seat and partially covering his still red face. “You dick, I was so friggin’ _embarrassed_ up there!”

“I only embarrass you because I love youuu,” Akira crooned at Ryuji, laughing and stepping out of the way as Ryuji kicked at his ankles in retaliation.

Ann shoved lightly at Akira’s shoulder, “Well, better get up there. He called on you y’know.”

There were a few more whistles and applause as Akira jogged around to the steps and came up to the mic.

Akira adjusted the microphone a bit as the announcer got right into things, “And may I ask what your name is?”

“Kurusu,” Akira responded as he heard a couple stray whistles and claps.

“That was an awfully bold stunt you just pulled there, Kurusu-kun,” the announcer joked. “So I’m guessing you definitely have something you want to share with us, then?”

“I mean, I kind of already did,” Akira joked back, earning a bit of laughter from the crowd.

“Yes I suppose so! Well then, I’ll be nice and give you a different question,” He began. “What’s your ideal type, Kurusu-kun?”

The audience let out a few ‘ooh’s’ Akira pretended to look thoughtful, sneaking a glance at Ryuji every couple seconds. 

“Well I guess it’s sorta hard to pin down preferences into just one type, right?” Akira began. “But I guess if I had to pick I’d say someone who’s athletic maybe... or someone who’s bold, who isn’t afraid to speak their mind. Honesty is the best policy, after all.” 

The crowd seemed pretty satisfied with that. 

“But if you _really_ want me to be honest I’ll just say that blondes are pretty hot.” 

The crowd broke off into cackles of laughter as the announcer hummed a bit, “So what about Takamaki-san down there? I think she fits the bill pretty well.” Ann jolted up in her seat as a few eyes from the crowd settled on her.

Akira waved a hand, “Nah, we’re just friends. She’s way too cool for me anyway.” He could see Ann laugh and relax slightly as the crowd’s attention was directed away from her.

“But I will say this,” Akira said, leaning in so close that he touched the mic. “If the guy sitting next to Takamaki wanted to go out to Olive Garden later tonight I wouldn’t say no. I have an unlimited pasta pass, I got you covered.”

Ryuji immediately turned a bright shade of red yet again as he hid his face behind Mishima’s shoulder, which shook with laughter along with everyone else’s.

The announcer laughed as well as he directed Akira off the stage. “Well I’d say he answered our question pretty well, give him a big round of applause everybody!” The audience clapped loudly as Akira descended the steps. A few people even gave catcall whistles as Akira mouthed ‘call me’ at Ryuji while doing the hand gesture.

Later as the post-festival celebration came to a close, Mishima, Ann, Ryuji and Akira all walked down the front steps of Shujin into the cool night air. Ryuji and Akira were hand in hand as they both chatted with Mishima and Ann about some of the other students who were brought up to share something.

“Dude, I almost cried when that one girl talked about how her dog died last week,” Ryuji confessed as Mishima nodded in agreement. “Yeah that one really was a surprise, wasn’t it?”

Ann leaned against the front gate as she looked back at them, “So Akira, are you actually gonna take Ryuji out on that Olive Garden date or was that all just talk?” She asked with a sly smile.

“I mean, I was serious about the unlimited pasta pass thing. I really do have one.” Akira said, turning towards Ryuji with their hands still intertwined. “If you’re up for it I’ll totally take you to Olive Garden.”

“Oh, nah dude it’s alright, you don’t have to waste your money on me.” Ryuji waved his free hand as he flushed slightly.

Akira frowned. “I’m not wasting my money if I’m spending it on you,” he said as he bumped his hip into Ryuji’s. “Are you hungry or not? Cause if not, I can just get us unlimited breadsticks. We’re gonna need a few bags though.”

“For… what?” Ryuji asked hesitantly.

“The breadsticks, duh. When I say unlimited I MEAN unlimited.”

Ryuji sighed as he looked up. “... Alright fine.” Akira smiled.

Ryuji suddenly jabbed a finger at Akira, “But you gotta promise never to do that sort of embarrassin’ shit again! You almost gave me, like, 8 heart attacks.”

Akira just chuckled as he moved to wrap his arms around Ryuji’s waist and hook his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder. “But I couldn’t help it…” He complained. “Shy Ryuji is cute, I could get used to him.”

Ryuji’s blushed about 4 shades redder in that moment. “Sh-shut up, man…”

Akira had apparently completely forgotten that two of their friends were still standing near the school gate because he suddenly heard Mishima shouting, “Hey! Are you guys done being gross and romantic over there? Cause we’re about ready to go home.”

“Those things are mutually exclusive y’know!” Akira called back.

“Not when you guys are involved!” Ann yelled. “Anyways I’m headed home, I’ll talk to you guys first thing tomorrow.”

They all waved at Ann as she walked in the opposite direction; Akira and Ryuji decidedly looking up directions to the nearest Olive Garden and deciding to take a nighttime walk instead of taking the train this time. Mishima wished them goodnight and headed off on his own.

Not even 10 minutes later, Akira’s phone buzzed with a new notification.

_October 31st 2016_  
_8:29 pm_

_You have (2) notifications from ann (°◡°♡)_

**ann (°◡°♡):** i didn’t wanna say anything since mishima was there, but we’ll talk about the whole akechi deal later ok?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** maybe not tonight or tomorrow morning, but we should definitely call a thieves meeting as soon as possible  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, for sure  
**sh(akira):** I want to talk to everybody before making a concrete decision anyway, so just let me know when you’re free and I’ll try and get everyone together  
**sh(akira):** I’ll make sure to let everyone in group chat know too  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sweet  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh and hey, enjoy your hot date tonight (•‾⌣‾•)و  
**sh(akira):** Is Olive Garden really that hot though  
**sh(akira):** Is it really  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s better than big bang burger at least  
**sh(akira):** Oh c’mon that was one time  
**ann (°◡°♡):** one time is way too many if you ask me  
**sh(akira):** Ok fair, but Olive Garden  
**sh(akira):** Really  
**sh(akira):** Like oooh yeah nothing gets me hotter than thinking about those little complimentary chocolate mints they give you at the end of your meal with the bill  
**ann (°◡°♡):** SHUT UP THOSE MINTS ARE GREAT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can never find them in stores ever  
**ann (°◡°♡):** they’re a precious resource  
**sh(akira):** Yeah they are actually  
**sh(akira):** But they’re not like...  
**sh(akira):** 2nd base great  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nothing at olive garden is 2nd base great  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i don’t even take shiho there, she’s too good for that place  
**sh(akira):** Now you’re just making me feel bad  
**sh(akira):** I’m just a simple man  
**sh(akira):** A simple man with an unlimited pasta pass in my pocket and a boner in my heart  
**ann (°◡°♡):** please never say that in my presence again  
**ann (°◡°♡):** or at all, ever  
**sh(akira):** No promises  
**sh(akira):** We’re at the restaurant now, so I’ll text you later  
**ann (°◡°♡):** alright! don’t get too crazy with the breadsticks  
**sh(akira):** You ask too much of me

_sh(akira) is now offline_


	17. can i get uhhh boneless justice with a 2-liter coke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Goro Akechi:** So I’ve been wondering…  
>  **Goro Akechi:** You all talk about these “memes” so often but I’m not entirely sure what they are.  
>  **Goro Akechi:** So may I ask what a meme actually is?  
>  **sh(akira):** Are  
>  **sh(akira):** Are you serious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KUDOS TO ME BC I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO UPLOAD THE CHAPTER ON TIME THIS WEEK HAHA
> 
> anyways, anime iowa was a blast; i saw lots of friends and bought lots of shit... ... i loved it (〃＾▽＾〃) but now it's time to get back to work !
> 
> author notes are pretty short this week otherwise,,, but in summary: a very special (and obvious) character joins the group chat, akira forgets to flip his sticks, and haru had to do it to em.
> 
> enjoy, everybody !!
> 
> [edit] HEY ALSO the wonderful [youngizzik](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/) sure knows how to fuckign kill me bc he drew this [scene](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/post/163657474987/shakira-the-real-akira-is-sleeping-rn) from chapter 5

_November 1st 2016_  
_4:25 pm_

**sh(akira):** Alright is everybody online  
**rat baby:** yep  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Present!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Everyone except Mishima it seems.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Wait, shouldn’t this conversation be held in the main Phantom Thieves chat?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Mishima technically isn’t a Phantom Thief, after all.  
**sh(akira):** He’s an honorary Phantom Thief  
**sh(akira):** Also if he decides to backread this then whatever, it’s not going to harm us if he knows what’s going on  
**sh(akira):** Actually it might even help us  
**Makoto Niijima:** Alright, I trust your judgement...  
**Makoto Niijima:** But that still doesn’t answer my initial question.  
**sh(akira):** If we end up letting Akechi join forces with us, then he’ll have to be added to the main chat  
**sh(akira):** Which means if we end up roasting him during this conversation he’s gonna see it  
**useless bisexual:** so? arent we gonna roast him in both chats anyway  
**sh(akira):** I mean yeah probably  
**sh(akira):** But we have the option of adding him in this one instead of an obligation  
**sh(akira):** Also we spam this chat so much that this conversation will probably get buried far enough that he won’t read it  
**useless bisexual:** alright thats fair  
**Makoto Niijima:** Very well.  
**Makoto Niijima:** So what’s the general consensus? Does anybody object to cooperating with Akechi?  
**rat baby:** i mean we ALL object to it  
**rat baby:** but he’s blackmailing us, so we really don’t have any choice  
**ann (°◡°♡):** true  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It’s a complicated situation indeed.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But he may actually be quite beneficial to us. He’s connected to the police, correct?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** We may be able to get intel out of him.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s... a bit of a double-edged sword.  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s true that he’s with the police, but he’s also technically with us.  
**Makoto Niijima:** He could just as easily gather intel from our side if he wanted to.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ugghghgh this is all making me so nervous  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i really hope this doesn’t bite us in the ass later,,,,  
**sh(akira):** If we’re smart, it won’t  
**sh(akira):** Anyways is it safe to say that we all agree? We’re gonna go through with this plan?  
**useless bisexual:** i hate it but yeah sure  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** We just have to believe this will work! No objections from me.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i guess so…….  
**rat baby:** only if i’m allowed to send him blurry pics i take of him when he’s not looking during really weird times of the day  
**sh(akira):** I’ll allow it  
**rat baby:** nice  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I have no objections either.  
**sh(akira):** Sweet  
**sh(akira):** Makoto you’ll have to add him to the main chat because I don’t have his Skype  
**useless bisexual:** wait makoto how did u you manage to get his skype???  
**Makoto Niijima:** I asked him for it after the panel.  
**useless bisexual:** oh ok  
**useless bisexual:** damn i was hopin you like stole it off his phone or somethin  
**Makoto Niijima:** … No?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I don’t even know how to do that.  
**rat baby:** i could teach you !!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** No thank you, Futaba.  
**rat baby:** oh yeah speaking of that, i have another question  
**rat baby:** even though he’s gonna join us, can we still prank him?  
**sh(akira):** My heart says yes but my mind also says yes  
**Makoto Niijima:** Just be careful, would you?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I don’t want to give him a reason to stop cooperating with us.  
**rat baby:** nonono it’s not like that!  
**rat baby:** my pranks are always safe, it’s all good  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** … Are you sure?  
**rat baby:** yeah i save all my non-safe pranks for you  
**Makoto Niijima:** Futaba.  
**rat baby:** what? it’s true  
**rat baby:** anyway do u guys wanna hear my latest one  
**useless bisexual:** hell yes  
**sh(akira):** Always  
**rat baby:** ok so get this:  
**rat baby:** every day at the same time we’ll text him the same word  
**rat baby:** but the phone number is anonymous so he can’t block it  
**rat baby:** just one word, every day, at precisely the same minute  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** What word will it be?  
**rat baby:** that’s the only problem!! i don’t know yet  
**rat baby:** i need to think of something perfect  
**useless bisexual:** hmmmmmm  
**sh(akira):** Dicksquad  
**useless bisexual:** jNASKFH  
**rat baby:** PERFECT  
**sh(akira):** That’s what I was gonna rename this chat to, but I felt like it could be better used for this prank  
**rat baby:** no that’s great  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i left for 2 seconds but i love what’s happening here  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I was actually going to suggest sending him that video Futaba repeatedly links me to.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** which video?  
**rat baby:** OOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHHH  
**rat baby:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud1JXqGWPvU>  
**rat baby:** this one  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wh  
**useless bisexual:** HNASHDG FUTABA OH MY GOD  
**useless bisexual:** i love this video;;;;  
**sh(akira):** Did you  
**sh(akira):** Really  
**sh(akira):** Just send this  
**rat baby:** YEAH BABY  
**sh(akira):** I literally can’t go anywhere without seeing this meme  
**rat baby:** u can’t go here either  
**rat baby:** this chat was literally created with the purpose of sending memes  
**rat baby:** u played yourself  
**Makoto Niijima:** Futaba where do you find these videos?  
**rat baby:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
**useless bisexual:** my mom literally checked on me i was laughing so hard hgnfdfgh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** holy shit really?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah the dickhead part gets me every time  
**rat baby:** “SON WHAT SCHOOL U GO TO”  
**sh(akira):** I’m like actually tempted to kick myself from chat now  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t leave me here, I’m the only other admin.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But if Akira left, would this chatroom be considered boneless?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** HARU DID YOU JUST SAY A MEME  
**useless bisexual:** dID HARU JSUT

_sh(akira) has left the group_

**rat baby:** （＊〇□〇）……！  
**rat baby:** WE DID IT

 _Makoto Niijima added sh(akira)_

**Makoto Niijima:** I told you, you aren’t leaving me here.  
**sh(akira):** Please just let me die  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m sorry, did I do something wrong…?  
**useless bisexual:** NO  
**rat baby:** u did the opposite of wrong, haru  
**rat baby:** we’re so proud of u  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can’t believe i was here to witness haru’s first meme  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please stop corrupting my girlfriend.  
**rat baby:** it was only a matter of time makoto  
**rat baby:** surrender your girlfriend unto us  
**Makoto Niijima:** Never.  
**rat baby:** do it  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I will say that i do find that video quite amusing as well.  
**sh(akira):** Not you too  
**rat baby:** U CAN’T ESCAPE  
**rat baby:** THE BONELESS MOVEMENT  
**sh(akira):** Kill me please  
**rat baby:** the weak will perish  
**rat baby:** only the strong remain  
**useless bisexual:** only the boneless remain  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji I trusted you  
**useless bisexual:** :)  
**sh(akira):** Ok I’m muting this chat, wake me up when we all have bones again  
**useless bisexual:** no wait  
**useless bisexual:** babe  
**useless bisexual:** BABE  
**rat baby:** he can’t hear u  
**useless bisexual:** B A B E  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he’s dead  
**useless bisexual:** fuck  
**Makoto Niijima:** Are you all happy now?  
**useless bisexual:** no  
**useless bisexual:** but it was worth it  
**rat baby:** ……..  
**rat baby:** so like  
**rat baby:** who’s gonna tell him to flip over his sticks  
**ann (°◡°♡):** AKIRA YOUR STICKS

\---

_November 1st 2016_  
_8:26 pm_

_sh(akira) sent a contact request to Goro Akechi_

**sh(akira):** It’s Akira  
**sh(akira):** I have some news

_sh(akira) and Goro Akechi are now connected on Skype!_

**Goro Akechi:** Yes? I’m listening.  
**sh(akira):** Alright so first of all we’ve accepted your offer  
**sh(akira):** So welcome to our shitty club I guess  
**Goro Akechi:** Thank you very much! I knew you’d see sense.  
**sh(akira):** No problem  
**sh(akira):** Well ok somewhat of a problem, but don’t sweat it too much  
**sh(akira):** The second thing though is that we have a Phantom Thieves Skype group on here so we can keep each other posted and communicate when need be  
**sh(akira):** So I’m going to have Makoto add you on there since she’s our other admin  
**Goro Akechi:** Alright.  
**Goro Akechi:** I will admit though, I’ve only used Skype a handful of times so I’m not entirely sure how groups work on here.  
**sh(akira):** Oh trust me, you’ll figure it out

\---

_November 1st 2016_  
_9:10 pm_

 

_Makoto Niijima has added Goro Akechi to the group_

**Goro Akechi:** So is this the other group you were telling me about?  
**sh(akira):** Sure is  
**Makoto Niijima:** Indeed.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please everyone go easy on him.  
**rat baby:** oh???  
**rat baby:** oh worm????  
**sh(akira):** Don’t use that meme here  
**rat baby:** stop censoring me  
**Goro Akechi:** So I’ve been wondering…  
**Goro Akechi:** You all talk about these “memes” so often but I’m not entirely sure what they are.  
**Goro Akechi:** So may I ask what a meme actually is?  
**sh(akira):** Are  
**sh(akira):** Are you serious  
**rat baby:** hhhhHHHHHHH  
**useless bisexual:** dude  
**useless bisexual:** what  
**useless bisexual:** the fuck  
**Goro Akechi:** Did I say something wrong?  
**sh(akira):** No you didn’t, I just can’t believe it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i logged on and this is what i’m greeted with  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akechi how could you  
**Goro Akechi:** … I just don’t understand them.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’ve learned that memes are not worth understanding.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** You simply need to appreciate them for what they are.  
**sh(akira):** That was beautiful  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Thank you.  
**Goro Akechi:** That still doesn’t tell me what they actually are, though.  
**rat baby:** it’s u  
**rat baby:** ur a meme  
**Goro Akechi:** ?  
**useless bisexual:** haha owned  
**Goro Akechi:** Are memes similar to trolling?  
**rat baby:** HNDKFH  
**sh(akira):** Don’t say trolling in my household again, ever  
**Goro Akechi:** My apologies…?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Alright that’s enough, I’m starting to feel sorry for him.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Memes are internet jokes (like images etc.) that are commonly referenced and/or reposted.  
**Makoto Niijima:** This was originally supposed to be an off-topic chat, but eventually it just became a place for us to post those sorts of things.  
**Goro Akechi:** Ah, I see. Thank you Niijima!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Just call me Makoto.  
**Goro Akechi:** Will do.  
**sh(akira):** So now that Akechi knows what memes are  
**sh(akira):** Can I just  
**sh(akira):** Do something for a second  
**Makoto Niijima:** Whatever it is, no.

_Goro Akechi’s nickname is now inspector gadget_

**useless bisexual:** pFFFFFF  
**rat baby:** n i c e  
**inspector gadget:** I regret this decision immensely.

\---

_November 2nd 2016_  
_6:45 am_

**moon moon:** OH MY GOSH.  
**moon moon:** Akechi is a Phantom Thief now??  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** It seems so!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I was offline during the exchange as well, but we’ve been thinking about this for some time now.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** We would have told you sooner but… well it’s a bit confidential.  
**moon moon:** Nononono, that’s fine.  
**moon moon:** I’m just……. surprised??  
**moon moon:** I mean, he seems like the last person who would want to join you guys.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** That’s what we thought too.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But nothing is what it seems, I suppose.  
**moon moon:** I guess the influence of the Phantom Thieves knows no bounds!!  
**sh(akira):** You could say that  
**Makoto Niijima:** Aren’t you all supposed to be getting ready for school?  
**moon moon:** I am! I’m just really good at multitasking.  
**sh(akira):** I’m not  
**sh(akira):** Morgana is sitting on me and refuses to get up  
**sh(akira):** Or sleeping on me I guess  
**Makoto Niijima:** Doesn’t he usually make you get up to do things, though?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** He’s been having a lot of nightmares recently and I have no idea why  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh no!!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I hope Mona-chan feels better.  
**sh(akira):** Me too  
**sh(akira):** Mostly because he keeps clawing my leg in his sleep  
**moon moon:** Ouch…  
**sh(akira):** Ouch is correct  
**sh(akira):** Speaking of ouch, I think I might be in trouble with Sojiro  
**Makoto Niijima:** Why do you say that?  
**sh(akira):** He said he wanted to talk with me and Futaba after school when I woke up this morning  
**sh(akira):** It seemed pretty serious  
**Makoto Niijima:** Hm…  
**moon moon:** That’s not good.  
**sh(akira):** Who knows, it might not be that big of a deal  
**sh(akira):** Still makes me a bit nervous though  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Well best of luck, Akira.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I actually have a meeting with my fiancé later today, so I’m a bit nervous as well.  
**sh(akira):** Wait, you’re still with that guy?  
**moon moon:** Haru-san has a fiance??  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Technically I still do. But I’m not in a relationship with him.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I hate him. Which is why I’m officially breaking things off with him and terminating the contract.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I don’t know if I’ll tell him about Mako-chan or not, but I can’t stand another minute with that man.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Wait, haru...  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m so glad you’re finally standing up to him... but won’t the company lose a lot of money by terminating that contract?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Potentially, yes. But I might be able to find a way to avoid that.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I just want to be with you, not him.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Haru…  
**Makoto Niijima:** I want to be with you too.  
**moon moon:** This sounds like some heavy stuff.  
**moon moon:** You can do it though, Haru-san!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Thank you for the encouragement, Mishima-chan !!  
**sh(akira):** Do you need me to shoot him after the deal is done  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** No, but thank you for the offer. ( ´∀` )  
**sh(akira):** Can I shoot him before the deal is done  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** That would be considerably worse, actually. ( ´Ａ` )  
**Makoto Niijima:** You don’t need to shoot anyone, Akira.  
**sh(akira):** But I want to  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ok, let me rephrase that:  
**Makoto Niijima:** I will literally, physically prevent you from shooting anyone.  
**sh(akira):** … Fine  
**sh(akira):** Shit, I gotta get to school  
**sh(akira):** See you guys later today hopefully  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Same to you!

_sh(akira) is now offline_

\---

_November 2nd 2016_  
_5:12 pm_

**sh(akira):** Well this afternoon was… interesting  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** May I ask what happened?  
**sh(akira):** Sojiro had a talk with Futaba and I after class today  
**sh(akira):** He knows we’re both Phantom Thieves  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wait WHAT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he’s not gonna kick you out, is he??  
**sh(akira):** No, nothing like that thankfully  
**sh(akira):** He was upset once he found out about it, understandably  
**sh(akira):** I mean how hard would it be to learn that both your kids are wanted criminals?  
**sh(akira):** Or I guess one kid and one charity case, but whatever  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you’re not a charity case, akira  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but what’s he gonna do? is he just gonna let you keep staying with him??  
**sh(akira):** Pretty much  
**sh(akira):** He’s gonna pretend he doesn’t know anything if anybody asks  
**ann (°◡°♡):** thank god,,,,  
**sh(akira):** Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful as hell  
**sh(akira):** But I feel awful for stressing him out like this  
**sh(akira):** He’s got enough shit to deal with already  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Sakura-san is a very kindhearted person, it seems.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am sure that he would have found out eventually, but I doubt he would ever turn you away for that reason.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I know a trustworthy person when I see one.  
**sh(akira):** Yeah…  
**sh(akira):** I just feel kinda shitty about it right now  
**rat baby:** hey i finally got home  
**rat baby:** don’t worry akira, sojiro isn't the sort of person to go back on his word  
**rat baby:** he said he was gonna protect us and he wasn’t kidding  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you guys are so lucky to have someone like him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** not to mention, so are the rest of us !! we’d all be in deep shit if he decided to talk  
**sh(akira):** I know  
**sh(akira):** I’m gonna like… make him curry or something tomorrow morning instead of the other way around  
**sh(akira):** I’ll probably have to wake up super fucking early but I don’t care  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s a really good idea !  
**rat baby:** i would help out, but i enjoy sleeping  
**sh(akira):** Do you enjoy not being arrested more than you enjoy sleeping?  
**rat baby:** mmmmmnnnnnnnn i dunno……….  
**sh(akira):** Whatever  
**sh(akira):** He’s your dad, help me  
**rat baby:** fine  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m sure he will appreciate it very much.  
**sh(akira):** I hope so  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Wonderful news everyone!!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I broke things off with my fiancé today! He won’t be bothering me or my family anymore.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** THAT’S GREAT HARU!!! i’m so happy for you  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Fantastic news, Haru.  
**sh(akira):** Hell yeah Haru  
**sh(akira):** So I’m guessing you avoided losing that shitload of cash that Makoto mentioned  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Yes!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Our lawyer found a way to prove that he was blackmailing us, and we got to keep all the money we would have lost in the deal.  
**rat baby:** awesome!!! show that shady fucker who’s boss  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m sure makoto’s relieved to hear that too ^^  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh, most definitely.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** In fact, we’re going out to dinner tonight to celebrate.  
**sh(akira):** Remember to keep it PG  
**sh(akira):** (PG stands for ‘pretty gay’)  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I can guarantee that we will be keeping it extremely ‘PG’ in that case (✧∇✧).  
**rat baby:** oh shit  
**sh(akira):** She’s going in for the kill  
**ann (°◡°♡):** everyone form a prayer circle for makoto tonight  
**rat baby:** bye makoto  
**rat baby:** rest in piss  
**sh(akira):** *Rest in pussy  
**ann (°◡°♡):** do you ever just wish you were admin so you could kick a very specific person from chat  
**sh(akira):** It’s the truth  
**sh(akira):** I won’t hide it from the public  
**useless bisexual:** hi did someone say pussy  
**rat baby:** hNHFIWBG  
**rat baby:** wtf you summoned him  
**sh(akira):** Not on purpose but hi Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** hey  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m not surprised, just disappointed  
**useless bisexual:** what were u expectin  
**ann (°◡°♡):** true  
**ann (°◡°♡):** this is why i’m not an admin  
**sh(akira):** I probably shouldn’t be admin either, but I’m in charge so you’re all stuck with me  
**sh(akira):** I’m the local ruthless dictator of this chat  
**useless bisexual:** thank god  
**rat baby:** oh man akira did u hear that  
**rat baby:** ryuji wants u to dictate him  
**useless bisexual:** wh  
**ann (°◡°♡):** n o  
**sh(akira):** I already do but ok  
**rat baby:** oh shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT  
**rat baby:** neither did i but here we are  
**rat baby:** we’re learning so many new things today  
**sh(akira):** Really because I thought it was pretty obvious  
**useless bisexual:** ok welp i;m leavign bye

_useless bisexual is now offline_

**rat baby:** COME BACK  
**sh(akira):** Stop kinkshaming him  
**rat baby:** i was kink encouraging him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m suing both of you


	18. dicksquad is now calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Real talk,” Akira began, “How much would someone have to pay you to put pizza on your dick?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [kicks down the wall as if i'm in a kool-aid commercial]
> 
> SO. BIG FUCKIN SHOUTOUT TO [SHENPAI](https://www.youtube.com/user/AeroViro) FOR PROMOTING MY FIC IN ONE OF HER LATEST [VIDEOS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBUK3Ku3G1E),,,,, u are the light of my life ;;;;;; my angle 
> 
> and because of that, i've noticed there's a lot more traffic on my fic!! so hello all new readers, i hope you enjoy this hell pit you've entered into. also, i went back and read every single comment that was left on my chapters that i hadn't seen yet, and u guys are so supportive??? bitch what hte fuck?? i appreciate every goddamn last one of u gremlins..... sorry i didn't have the chance to reply to you all, but rest assured i saw all of your wonderful feedback 
> 
> that being said, i also somehow managed to miss a piece of [fanart](http://imgur.com/OCDgjz3) drawn by [zanthe](https://twilightkargarok.tumblr.com/) from chapter 3, THANK U AND I'M SORRY I NEVER SAW IT UNTIL NOW
> 
> god there are so many announcements this chapter, holy shit. this is the long awaited skype call chapter !! that means you get to read 5,000 words of almost entirely dialogue and memes. which honestly..... isn't any different from any other chapter, lmao
> 
> (the lateness of this chapter was also partially due to my seasonal job ending, but now that it's over i have a lot more time to dedicate to this fic until school starts! wooo!!)
> 
> pls enjoj

_November 3rd 2016_  
_7:01 am_

**rat baby:** hey y’all i just had a great idea  
**rat baby:** since almost everyone’s online rn i thought i’d send this here, but who wants to do a group call after you guys get back from school?  
**useless bisexual:** uhhhhh why  
**rat baby:** cause we got a new member, duh  
**rat baby:** also bc i don’t feel like going out and actually physically seeing people today  
**sh(akira):** I don’t have work tonight, so that should be just fine  
**sh(akira):** What about everyone else  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah that’s fine, i’m not doing anything after class  
**Makoto Niijima:** Student council hasn’t been overly busy as of late, so I don’t see why not.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am always available for all of you.  
**sh(akira):** That’s really sweet  
**rat baby:** it’s bc he doesn’t have a life  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I unfortunately have to agree with Futaba, but thank you Akira.  
**sh(akira):** You’re welcome  
**sh(akira):** Also don’t worry, I haven’t had free time in like 60 years so I relate  
**useless bisexual:** fuckin hell yeah i love group calls  
**useless bisexual:** we haven’t done one since futaba joined us i think  
**rat baby:** i know!!! i’m excited  
**moon moon:** Aghhhh, I can’t guys, I’m sorry :(  
**moon moon:** I have cram school tonight…  
**rat baby:** it’s no problem, we can always do another one when you’re free  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I was supposed to have a meeting with one of our branch managers tonight, but I can always reschedule.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’ll try to make it before the call finishes, though!  
**sh(akira):** That’s fine haru, you don’t need to reschedule anything  
**sh(akira):** We’ll wait for you  
**rat baby:** yo inspector gadget  
**inspector gadget:** Please don’t call me that.  
**rat baby:** too late  
**rat baby:** anyways we’re doing this call for your sake, so can you make it??  
**inspector gadget:** I haven’t been picking up any cases lately, so I suppose.  
**inspector gadget:** But what would we even do during a group call? Is there something we need to discuss?  
**rat baby:** not necessarily  
**rat baby:** we just wanna have a chill time with some good friends  
**rat baby:** also i wanna see all your facial reactions to the memes i send in real-time  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please don’t send anything weird…  
**rat baby:** :)  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m not afraid to use my admin status to potentially kick you from chat.  
**rat baby:** fine!!!! ugh, you’re missing out tho  
**rat baby:** so what’s the verdict akechi  
**inspector gadget:** I’ll participate.  
**inspector gadget:** Just let me know ahead of time when you want the call to be though, I’m still fairly busy throughout the day.  
**rat baby:** no prob  
**sh(akira):** Alright sweet  
**sh(akira):** Futaba I’ll put you in charge of when we do the call  
**rat baby:** ok !!  
**rat baby:** see u guys after school gets out then

\---

Akira flopped down on his bed, adjusting his laptop on his thighs as the Skype call ringtone sang out repeatedly from its speakers. 

Almost immediately after accepting the call, Futaba’s face popped up in a tiny square on his screen, her large glasses reflecting the light from her desktop computer. “Hey you,” she greeted.

Akira lifted a hand, “Hey,” he said, reaching down to grab a bag of chips he’d bought earlier that week and stashed under his bed (for emergencies, he’d told himself). 

“You messaged everyone what time we were planning on doing the call, right?” he asked.

“Course I did,” Futaba retorted. “They should’ve seen it by now, so I’m sure someone’ll join soon.”

Almost as if on cue, Ann’s profile picture appeared on the screen, followed by her face a few moments later. She appeared to be lounging on the couch in her living room, the faint noise of something playing on the TV in the background. “Hey, what’s up?” she asked.

“Being gay, doing crime. Same old same old,” Akira replied, munching on his chips.

Ann laughed and nodded, “Same here, except instead of doing crime I’m watching X-folders.”

Futaba wrinkled her nose at the camera, popping open a can of Mountain Dew she had sitting at her desk. “Watching X-folders practically is a crime if you ask me,” she said with disdain.

“Just because you have shit taste doesn’t mean you can yell at us for having good taste,” Akira shot back, tossing a chip in the air and catching it in his mouth. “X-folders is the best long running sci-fi show since 1993.”

“You tell em Akira.” 

“See? Ann gets it.”

“Um, I think you mean the shittiest long running sci-fi show since 1993,” Futaba insisted, taking a sip of her drink. “They really didn’t need 10 seasons. And of what? Pulling explanations out of their asses for why aliens commit literally all crimes ever? It’s insulting.”

Ann just grinned, “That’s what the aliens want you to think.”

Akira snapped and pointed a finger gun at the camera as Futaba groaned in frustration. “Nice.”

Futaba was about to go into another long-winded explanation on why X-folders was a bullshit show, but Ryuji’s face suddenly appeared on the screen. It was blurry and out-of-focus due to how much his phone camera was moving around.

“Whoa, Ryuji where are you? The lighting on your camera is shit,” Ann stated bluntly.

Akira saw his boyfriend’s face come more into view as he stopped moving, trying to catch his breath. “I’m on my evenin’ jog right now,” he replied. “I figured I could still answer the call though, since I bring my phone with me for music anyway.”

“Well get under a streetlight or something, we can barely see you,” Futaba insisted.

Akira suddenly got an idea. 

“...Hey how far are you from Leblanc right now?” he asked.

Ryuji paused for a moment, “Uhhh, I dunno maybe… 15 minutes or so? I’m not that far from the outskirts of Yongen.”

“Come over,” Akira suggested. “It’ll save your phone data. Plus, I figure I could just see you if you’re this close anyway.”

Ann snorted, “Real smooth Akira.”

“I try,” he admitted.

Ryuji paused for a moment, his faint grin barely visible in the low light of his surroundings. “Ah what the hell, sure. I’ll be over in a bit, so I’ll just end the call here.”

The 3 of them said their goodbyes as Ryuji’s face disappeared from the call screen. 

“Y’know Ann,” Futaba said almost immediately afterwards, “This might sound weird, but I keep forgetting how big your house is. Your webcam barely even shows your whole living room, but it looks practically twice the size of ours.”

Ann looked around momentarily before returning her gaze to the screen, laughing a bit. “Yeah... my parents travel abroad for their job, but they make a pretty good living. So I guess they just thought we needed a huge ass house for some reason.”

“I’ll trade you,” Akira said.

Ann snorted, “Yeah, because a dingy cafe attic is way better than a 4 bedroom house.” 

“I mean, your kitchen is probably the size of my entire attic honestly,” Akira guessed. “I bet I could live on top of your fridge and nobody would even know I was there.”

They heard the noise of Futaba’s keyboard tapping faintly through her microphone. “You’d have to hit him with a broom to make him come down for dinner,” she suggested.

“Nah I’d probably just toss the scraps up there for him,” Ann said.

Their conversation was put on hold once Yusuke’s face blinked onto the call screen. He appeared to be painting; His phone propped up against something so he could still see and hear the call while he worked.

“Futaba would you please stop copy-pasting that song to me? I told you I would join the call momentarily,” he said, sounding exasperated.

“Wait, were you spamming him? What song was it, I wanna hear,” Ann asked.

“No you don’t,” Yusuke pleaded.

Futaba just grinned maliciously and sent the link in group chat. “This one,” she answered.

**rat baby:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_UA3s-jTdc>  
**rat baby:** hmu if anyone wants to go to the nearest pizza hut and play this in their parking lot  
**sh(akira):** Oh no  
**sh(akira):** Futaba I know what this is  
**rat baby:** eheheheh

“Is this the goddamn pizza ditty I keep seeing everywhere,” Akira deadpanned.

Futaba was trying her hardest to hold back her laughter, “Pf- _nope_ ,” she said in a strangled voice.

“ _Pizza, pasta, put it in a box-_ ”

Ann almost dropped her laptop as the slammed her hands down on a pillow, “IT IS THE PIZZA SONG,” she wheezed. 

“I KNOW,” Futaba yelled, absolutely losing it.

Akira just munched on his chips and looked at Yusuke through his webcam, “I feel your pain,” he lamented.

“It’s not an awful song, I’ve just heard it far too many times,” said Yusuke.

Futaba finally caught her breath, “Wait, are you saying you actually enjoyed listening to a 16 second song about putting pizza on your dick at one point?”

“I never said I enjoyed it, I simply said it wasn’t awful.”

“Real talk,” Akira began, “How much would someone have to pay you to put pizza on your dick?”

Ann coughed loudly, “AKIRA-” but he just continued.

“Like… I probably wouldn’t do it for 5,000 yen. But 6,000? Maybe.”

Futaba clicked her tongue, “That’s only like a 1,000 yen difference. You probably couldn’t even buy a shirt for that much.”

Yusuke hummed, “It’s quite a decent amount if you ask me. 1,000 yen can go a long way.”

Akira grinned in response, “So you would put a pizza on your dick for 6,000 yen? Or just 1,000, I don’t think we actually clarified.”

Before anyone could get back to the topic of how much putting pizza on your dick went for these days, a familiar voice shouted from downstairs. 

“AKIRA! Your friend is here and I’m closing up, the keys are on the counter. Don’t stay up too late!” 

“Thanks! I’ll lock up in just a sec,” Akira shouted back down at Sojiro. “Ryuji c’mon up.”

He waited for the jingling sound of Leblanc’s front door closing before hearing Ryuji’s uneven footsteps climbing the attic stairs. “Hey babe.”

Ryuji huffed as he flopped onto the bed next to Akira, squirming a bit to make himself comfortable. “Hey troublemaker.” 

“Wow, did you run all the way over here? It’s only been like 10 minutes,” Ann remarked as Ryuji adjusted himself, seemingly impressed.

“Yeah sorta,” Ryuji sighed, rebalancing the laptop and curling further into Akira’s side. “I ran part of the way, but had to power-walk the rest since my leg decided to be stupid.”

Akira leaned his forehead against Ryuji’s. “Your leg is homophobic,” he mumbled into Ryuji’s hair.

He got a mouthful of that hair as Ryuji shot up suddenly, ‘Y’know what? It really fuckin’ is sometimes, I swear!” 

“How exactly is Ryuji’s leg homophobic, might I ask?” Yusuke asked, turning away from his canvas to stare into his phone’s camera with confusion.

“Because it gets in the way of me doing gay shit.” 

“Ah, I see,” Yusuke nodded in understanding. “Well in that case my wallet is homophobic.”

“Relatable,” Akira raised the hand that wasn’t trapped under Ryuji at the camera. “I have to work like 3 jobs in order to pay for all our Phantom Thief gear.”

“We can always chip in y’know!” Ann suggested. “You don’t have to work so many jobs if we all contribute.”

Akira just shrugged. “I guess… but that’s like, _your_ money. Like money that you got from your parents or somebody. The money I earn from working jobs is used for Phantom Thief stuff only, I don’t wanna take away your guys’ personal spending money.”

Futaba waved a hand, “Hey don’t worry about it. If I had any money I’d totally help you out.”

“Gee thanks.”

Yusuke piped up, “Speaking of money, were we going to return to our previous conversation or not?”

“Ohhhh yeah,” Akira grinned over at Ryuji. “So, this is just hypothetical but how much would someone have to pay you to put a pizza on your dick?”

“I… _what_?” Ryuji gave the most baffled look Akira had ever seen on his face.

Apparently the gods of Skype really didn’t want this discussion to continue because Akechi decidedly entered the fray at that moment, his profile picture flashing onto the screen. 

“... I’m sorry, but you’re planning to put the pizza where exactly?” he asked, appearing to still be dressed in his detective’s uniform and sitting at a neat desk placed in an equally neat room.

Actually, his room was so goddamn neat it was almost scary.

“Hey inspector gadget,” Futaba saluted at her webcam.

“I told you not to call me that.” he said, giving her a no-nonsense look. “So, is this all I’ve missed out on since I’ve been absent?”

“Pretty much, except for our X-folders debate,” Ann said. “Which was less of a debate and more of just Futaba yelling at Akira and I while we told her why her opinion was wrong.”

“If it’s an opinion, how can it be wrong, though?” Akechi countered, folding his hands and leaning further forwards in his desk chair.

Futaba threw her hands up in rejoice, leaning so far back in her big office chair it looked like she was about to fall out of it. “THANK YOU!” she exclaimed. “See, here’s someone with actual taste. Never thought I’d admit it, though.” 

“I can be cultured when I need to be,” Akechi smirked. “But you’re welcome.”

Ryuji shuffled a bit against Akira’s side, trying to get a better look at Akechi’s room through the small space that the webcam provided. “Dude your place is practically spotless… it’s kinda creepy.”

Akechi looked around his room, “I’m not home very often, so there’s really not much of an opportunity to make a mess,” he noted. “I kind of like it, though.”

“Well I don’t,” Ryuji huffed. “It looks like some kinda hospital room. Or like… one of those fake display rooms you see at furniture stores.”

Yusuke set down his brush, “Oh I love those! The beds there are so comfortable.”

Everyone went silent for a moment. Akira could hear the crickets outside his window.

Ann was trying extremely hard to hold back her laughter. “Are you telling me you’ve actually… _slept_ on those beds?” she asked.

Yusuke looked extremely puzzled. “I… thought that was what they were for?”

“Never change dude,” said Ryuji.

Akira noticed Akechi suddenly stand up from his desk chair, taking his gloves off. “Apologies, but I’m going to change out of my work clothes for a moment.” he said. “I only got home a few minutes ago and didn’t have any time to put on any regular ones.”

“You gonna do a strip tease for us?” Akira asked with an anything-but-innocent grin. Ryuji just snorted into his shoulder.

Akechi flushed from head to toe with embarrassment, “Wh-what? No, of course not.”

Futaba banged her fists against her desk. “Strip, strip, strip-”

Akechi just rolled his eyes and looked away from the camera, “I told you I’m not-”

Soon enough Ann, Futaba, Ryuji and Akira all began to chant, “STRIP, STRIP, STRIP,” and drowned out any room for objection that Akechi could have possibly had.

Akechi turned his webcam off.

Ryuji groaned, “Boooooo, killjoy.”

“I can still hear you, you know,” Akechi’s voice rang loud and clear. “I’m not going to be indecent on camera just for your enjoyment.”

“Alright fine, that’s fair,” Akira admitted. “Anyways... hey Yusuke, do you wanna be indecent on camera for our enjoyment?”

Ryuji choked, “DUDE.”

Yusuke barely even reacted. “Indecent howso?” 

“You’re seriously considering it?” Ann squawked.

“As long as it’s not too indecent, then I don’t see why I shouldn’t.”

Akira was holding back his own laughter as he tried to think of something fairly PG. “Hmmmm, I dunno, I guess we’ve never seen you shirtless before.”

“If you’re actually gonna make him go topless for this call then I’m outta here,” Futaba said, slamming her hands on her desk abruptly.

Akira was about to reassure her, but Yusuke was already unbuttoning his shirt. “Futaba it’s fin- oh my god.”

Ann burst into laughter once again as Yusuke unbuttoned his shirt all the way and moved to take it off. “He was kidding, you don’t actually have to take it off if you don’t want to!”

Yusuke paused in his motions. “I already started, it’s quite alright.”

“I’ll leave this godforsaken call, I swear,” Futaba threatened, her hand hovering over her mouse.

“Wait, wait! You’re hostin’ the call dude, if you leave we’ll have to start again,” Ryuji pointed out.

Futaba just folded her arms, sliding so far down in her chair that only the top of her head and glasses were visible. “... Fine. But I’ll mute you guys if I have to.”

Akechi chose that moment to turn his webcam back on, dressed in only a loose white button down shirt and black slacks. “I’m back now- oh. When did you…?”

“Just now,” Yusuke answered.

Akechi nodded, clearly not wanting to ask or receive an explanation for why Yusuke was half naked and painting in his dorm room.

“I’ll admit though, Yusuke,” Ryuji began, “I’ll never figure out how someone as stick-thin as you managed to deadlift my boyfriend before I could.”

“Oh yeah, how’d that go by the way?” Ann asked, adjusting her laptop in her lap and leaning forward.

“Amazingly,” Akira said, fake swooning.

Ryuji just chuckled and nudged his boyfriend slightly, “You didn’t have to do shit, though. We were doin’ all the heavy liftin’... literally.”

“Hey, I’m not that heavy.” 

“I wasn’t sayin’ you were!”

Yusuke set his palette down and brushed off his hands, “Akira-san is actually quite light for his size, I was pleasantly surprised.”

“Yeah well watch out, cause I’ve been workin’ out even _more_ since then and I could probably lift _two_ Akiras now if I wanted to.” Ryuji rolled up his sleeves to flex smoothly, showing off his toned biceps. 

Both Akira and Ann let out long whistles. 

Yusuke nodded in approval. “So it seems you have.”

“Ann you need to get a screenshot of this so I can make it my desktop background,” Akira insisted.

“Already on it,” Ann said, giving a thumbs up, a soft click coming from her computer.

“So… do you all normally organize Skype calls just to strip and flex at each other? Or is this a special occasion?” Akechi asked.

“No,” Futaba grumbled from her spot, face mostly still obscured by the edge of her desk. 

“We’re just doin’ this cause there’s no adult supervision here,” Ryuji said. “If Makoto were here she’d kick our asses.

Lo and behold, Makoto’s profile picture flashed onto the call screen.

Ryuji jolted. “ _Shit shit shit_ hide the weed, she knows we’re talking about her, abort mission-”

Suddenly Makoto’s face blinked into existence and she scowled into her desktop camera. “All I heard was weed, so you better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”

“No weed, just memes,” Futaba assured.

Before Makoto could properly respond, Akira noticed the array of expressions that passed over her face once she noticed that A.) Yusuke was shirtless for no apparent reason, and B.) Ryuji was practically sprawled across Akira on his bed.

“Um… I presumed I missed some things?” she asked hesitantly.

“So many,” Ann confirmed.

Makoto just sighed as her desktop mic picked up various sounds coming from the kitchen in her apartment. She looked off-screen for a moment, “Haru is everything ok? I thought I heard something fall.”

Wait… Haru?

The fluffy culprit in question appeared in the background, waving a greeting at the computer. “Yes I’m fine, I was just making milk tea. Greetings everyone!”

“Hey, Haru!” Futaba shot back upright in her seat. “What’re you doing at Makoto’s place?”

Haru turned off the kitchen light and padded over to Makoto’s desktop, settling down into her girlfriend’s lap (much to Makoto’s surprise). 

She softly giggled and took a sip of her milk tea, “The meeting I was at ran late, so Makoto offered to pick me up and escort me home. Only… we were much closer to her house than to mine. So I decided to stay over.”

“Awwww, are you two lovebirds gonna have a sleepover?” Ann asked in her fake lovey-dovey voice.

Haru laughed again and looked over at Makoto, “I suppose you could call it that, but sleeping isn’t much on the agenda for tonight.”

Makoto immediately turned beet red.

Half the chat cracked up laughing, while Makoto just hid her face in her hands and waited for the embarrassment to pass. Ryuji had to actually wipe tears from his eyes, “Haru _holy shit_.”

“You can be so forward sometimes it’s incredible,” Ann remarked after she’d caught her breath a bit.

“Just don’t jump her bones during the call, alright?” Akira said.

Haru took another sip of her milk tea. “I’ll try not to,” she said, smirking down at her (still extremely flushed) girlfriend.

“Oh yeah!” Ryuji straightened up a bit against Akira, “You guys missed watching us flex earlier.”

Futaba scoffed, “It was mostly you flexing, Ryuji.”

“Other people could’ve flexed too! You guys are just killjoys.”

“I think it was less about us being ‘killjoys’ and more about us not wanting to embarrass ourselves on camera,” Akechi retorted.

“Speak for yourself, Mr. Striptease.”

“I turned the webcam off for that!”

“You could always still join us,” Akira suggested. “I mean, you’re an athlete right? Didn’t you mention that to me at Leblanc once?”

Akechi nodded. “I mostly just do cycling and free climbing. But no, I’ll have to refuse the offer.”

Makoto lifted her head from her hands, “Wait, free climbing… you mean like rock climbing? Without a harness?”

Akechi nodded again. 

Ryuji practically jumped off of Akira’s bed, “That’s so hardcore dude! And you do that shit for fun? You must be _ripped_!”

Akechi flushed slightly again, messing with his shirt collar. “... I wouldn’t quite go that far. But yes, free climbing can be quite dangerous. I’ve been practicing for quite a few years now.”

“I think you know what you gotta do now,” Ann said.

“What? No, what do I have to-”

Over half the chat steadily began chanting “Flex, flex, flex” repeatedly, embarrassing Akechi more than they already had.

“How many times do I have to tell you-”

“FLEX, FLEX, FLEX,”

Akechi looked about ready to jump off a cliff. “Alright fine! How should I do this?”

“Just roll up your sleeves and do it. I wanna see some deltoids,” Ryuji said, stealing Akira’s chips from the side of the bed. 

Akechi pinched the bridge of his nose. “I swear…” he sighed, but regardless began to unbutton the cuffs on his shirtsleeve and roll it up above his shoulder.

As soon as his arm tensed even the slightest, several things happened at once: 

Yusuke dropped his brush. 

Akira grabbed his pillow and yelled into it. 

Ryuji’s body was laying half in, half out of the frame of Akira’s webcam and was completely motionless. 

Futaba’s computer made several soft shutter-like noises as she screencapped and documented this moment for posterity.

“Holy fuck I think you killed Ryuji,” Ann awed at the scene unfolding before her.

“... I think you killed all of them actually,” Makoto agreed.

Akechi quickly scrambled to roll down his sleeve, “Oh my god, what happened? Is everyone alright?”

Akira made more garbled noises into his pillow. Ryuji’s limp body still didn’t respond. There were actual, visible tears in Yusuke’s eyes.

“I can’t believe you collectively murdered half of our Skype group,” Futaba said. “Congratulations, gadget boy.”

“What did I tell you about calling me that?”

“Alright, Ace Ventura then?”

“God no, that’s significantly worse.”

“How about Carmen Sandiego?”

“She wasn’t even a detective. Also no, please stop talking.”

Akira finally lifted his head from his pillow. “You shot me. In the heart. With those guns, which are also your arms. Or... just one arm I guess? I don’t know, I’m really gay.”

“We know,” Ann reassured.

“Is Ryuji dead?” Haru asked, staring at Ryuji and Akira’s video feed with concern.

Akira looked over at his boyfriend, looked back at the camera and shrugged. “I dunno,” he said, draping his legs across Ryuji’s motionless body. “Doesn’t matter cause he’s my footrest now.”

Ryuji groaned faintly from beneath Akira’s legs, “The hell I ain’t…”

“Oh shit, he lives.”

“Shuddup and get your gross feet off me.”

“Make me.”

Ryuji heaved upwards and kicked Akira’s legs out of the way, eventually adjusting himself so he was sitting between them. “If you say so.”

Now it was Akira's turn to blush.

“Yusuke, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Makoto remarked, ignoring the blatant PDA that she was surrounded with. “Are you alright?”

At this point Yusuke was just staring at a fixed point beyond his phone camera, eyes and expression completely blank.

Futaba waved her hand in front of her webcam. “Inari? Helloooooo…..”

“I think I might have to burn this painting now.”

“What, why?!”

Yusuke stared at his hands. “Nothing I create will ever be as beautiful as what I have just witnessed.”

“That’s gay. And overdramatic.”

“Two things which I very much am, I might remind you.”

Akechi shook his head in bewilderment. “I had no idea my arms were that big of a deal…?”

Ryuji suddenly slammed his hands down on Akira’s bedspread, “They’re a _huge_ deal! Jeez, it’s like you got everythin’... popularity, good looks... it’s just plain unfair if you ask me.” 

Akechi sighed, itching his head a bit. “Yes well, my luck is sub-par compared to all of that. I swear, the strangest things have been happening to me lately.”

The chat went dead silent.

“... What sorts of things?” Futaba asked, cautiously.

“Unexplainable ones. For example: I’ve been receiving these anonymous messages for a few days now at the same exact time _every single day_ , but they always say the same thing.” 

Nobody said anything.

Akechi just took that as an invitation to continue. “Also, a little over a month ago I fell asleep in Leblanc by accident one night, and I woke up covered in paper napkins. Strange, right?”

Ryuji coughed, sweating bullets. “Haha yeah… pretty friggin’ weird, huh?”

Akira blinked, his gaze silently begging everyone to please not say anything since they had a good thing going here.

… However, Haru broke under the pressure. 

“Um, Akechi-san, we might know why those things have been happening to you.”

“Hm? Why’s that?”

Ryuji was miming the cut-throat motion across his neck, clearly not on board with Haru’s sudden confession, but she simply continued.

“We were the ones at fault for those, I’m sorry if it caused you any confusion.”

Futaba thunked her forehead against her desk, “ _Aghhh_! Haruuuu, you’re no fun… we could’ve kept it going longer.”

“Kept what going longer?” Akechi asked, raising a brow. “Are you saying that, you… _oh_.”

Akira sighed. “Yep, that was us. Both times.”

Akechi’s eyes narrowed in confusion, “But why? What was the point?

“Because you’re fun to mess with,” Akira answered, rummaging around in his covers for the remainder of his chips.

As Akechi tried to accept the fact that the last month of his life had pretty much been a sitcom, Haru hummed and tried to get a better look at Akira’s room from what his webcam showed.

“Do any of you know where Mona-chan is? It seems he’s been absent since Mako-chan and I entered the call.”

“Oh yeah he’s out right now,” Akira said. “Sometimes if I’m not doing anything he’ll just roam the back alleys of Yongen at night, probably doing cat stuff.”

“What if he deals fatty tuna to the neighborhood strays for a low price?” Futaba asked with a grin.

“Listen, if we had any fatty tuna in the house the _last_ thing he’d be doing is selling it.”

Ann suddenly yawned, stretching out of the frame of her webcam for a moment. “Hey guys, it's pretty late. I’m beat so I think I might have to leave the call tonight... catch me up on any memes I miss while I’m offline, though.”

Makoto waved a hand, “We’ll probably head off soon as well. We just dropped in to say hello after all, but it’s definitely getting late.”

Futaba scoffed, “You guys are weak. I can stay up for days at a time.”

“That’s cause you’re an insomniac,” Ryuji pointed out. 

Futaba just shrugged, “The statement still stands.”

Akechi sighed wearily, “I had a full day of work today, so I hope you all don’t mind of I take my leave as well.”

“That’s cool, we can just end the call if people are gonna leave,” Akira reassured.

Futaba protested a bit more, but eventually they all agreed to just talk to each other later. As soon as Akira hung up and closed his laptop, he turned to look at Ryuji. 

“Your leg still bothering you?” he asked, smoothing his thumb along the surgical scar on Ryuji's right thigh. “I still have some ibuprofin left downstairs if you need it.”

“Nah,” Ryuji said nonchalantly. “S’fine… it was botherin’ me pretty bad earlier but it feels loads better now.”

“That’s good,” Akira said, pecking him on the nose, then cheek, and eventually settling for all over his face. Ryuji laughed under his breath as he settled further into Akira’s bed.

“You sure Morgana’s gonna be cool with me stayin’ the night when he eventually gets back?” Ryuji asked. “I don’t wanna give him another reason to nag me.”

“Well if he isn’t then that sounds like _his_ problem,” Akira retorted. “If he’s got beef with you just for staying the night, then I’ve got beef with him for living with me for like 8 months now.”

“Fair enough,” Ryuji chuckled.


	19. the gang goes to pseudo-vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rat baby:** i’m ok with punching the cognitive version of your sister!  
>  **Makoto Niijima:** That’s good to hear, Futaba.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my update schedule just keeps getting more and more irregular doesn't it
> 
> speaking of which, this is my last update before school starts again!! i'm not quite sure if that's going to alter how frequently i post updates yet, but if it does i'll be sure to let y'all know
> 
> anyways enough of that mess, CAUSE IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PALACE IN THE GAME !!!! you can probably guess which one that is from the title alone lmao. also this is pretty obvious but big fuckin spoilers ahead for palace numero seis
> 
> this is it folks. shit hits the fan pretty fast after this so ENJOY WHILE U STILL CAN >:3c
> 
> (edit: [IZZIK](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/) PULLED A FAST ONE ON ME AGAIN AND UPLOADED [ART](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/post/164499219477/shakira-all-i-did-was-point-at-sayuri-and-say) LIKE RIGHT BEFORE I UPDATED, SO PLEASE GAZE AT IT. not to mention [zanthe](https://twilightkargarok.tumblr.com/) also did this fuckifn adorable [doodle](http://imgur.com/a/hhkiA) of akechi as inspector gadget which i died over) 
> 
> (bonus edit: ALSOOO [emilian](https://emilianmodemedia.tumblr.com/) recreated the danny devito [meme](https://emilianmodemedia.tumblr.com/post/164502519771/so-ive-been-reading-croninianss-persona-5-fic) from this chapter LIKE A FEW HOURS AFTER I POSTED IT good job wtf???? high quality meme right there)

_November 5th 2016_  
_2:24 pm_

**useless bisexual:** so uh  
**useless bisexual:** did u guys hear about that arrest warrant they got on us??  
**useless bisexual:** also i think i heard somethin about a bounty  
**useless bisexual:** i think i take back what i said about all this okumura shit blowin over  
**Makoto Niijima:** Quite frankly I don’t think it would have ever blown over.  
**Makoto Niijima:** My sister told me the news this morning, they’re really cracking down on the Phantom Thieves investigation.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m really starting to get worried…  
**rat baby:** does she know about the stuff you copied from her laptop?  
**Makoto Niijima:** No, not that I know of.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m just… really worried about her. She’s hardly sleeping, let alone eating.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I think this investigation is really taking a toll on her, more so than usual.  
**sh(akira):** Honestly I think it was only a matter of time  
**sh(akira):** Your sister isn’t dense, I think she’s gonna make the connection about us sooner or later  
**useless bisexual:** shit this is bad,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** detective boy u got any leads for us????  
**inspector gadget:** I have a name.  
**useless bisexual:** yea dude i know it  
**useless bisexual:** anyway leads????  
**inspector gadget:** Ugh.  
**inspector gadget:** Okay, well I don’t have anything regarding progress in the investigation if that’s what you’re wondering.  
**inspector gadget:** But I do have some intriguing intel on Sae-san.  
**rat baby:** um??? spill????  
**inspector gadget:** I will under one condition.  
**rat baby:** what  
**inspector gadget:** I want you to change my nickname back.  
**sh(akira):** Absolutely not under no circumstances  
**inspector gadget:** Why?  
**sh(akira):** Because you’re one of us now  
**inspector gadget:** What does that have to do with my nickname, though?  
**sh(akira):** One of us  
**rat baby:** one of us  
**useless bisexual:** ONE OF US  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ignore them.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll use my admin status to change your nickname back later, but can you please tell us what your information regarding my sister is?  
**inspector gadget:** Very well.  
**inspector gadget:** I was messing around with the MetaNav app at work while I was trying to get used to its controls, but it picked up a surprisingly familiar signal in the process.  
**inspector gadget:** Makoto-san… I regret to inform you of this, but your sister has a palace of her own.  
**useless bisexual:** wait  
**useless bisexual:** WHAT  
**rat baby:** what the fuck  
**sh(akira):** Makoto, did you know about this?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I…  
**Makoto Niijima:** I did, actually. I’m sorry everyone.  
**rat baby:** w h a t  
**useless bisexual:** wtf  
**useless bisexual:** WHY DIDNT U TELL US??  
**Makoto Niijima:** I didn’t think it was important, okay?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I mean, we find people we know in mementos all the time... why would this be any different?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I just didn’t think it was imperative for us to steal her treasure, that’s all.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Deep in my heart I know she’s not a bad person. Flawed yes, but not bad.  
**sh(akira):** Normally I’d sympathize with you but  
**sh(akira):** Makoto  
**sh(akira):** She’s literally been making our life a living hell for like 6 months now  
**sh(akira):** Why wouldn’t you want to steal her treasure  
**Makoto Niijima:** Because she’s my sister!  
**Makoto Niijima:** To be frank with you, I don’t really want to know what her cognition looks like… it might be too much for me to handle.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I mean, what if I’m in there? I just don’t know how I would react to that.  
**sh(akira):** That would be pretty fucked up  
**sh(akira):** But still, you should’ve told us sooner  
**sh(akira):** Or preferably right after you found out, that would’ve been peachy  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m sorry, okay?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Either way everyone knows now, or at least everyone online at the moment. We can always tell the others later.  
**useless bisexual:** im still kinda in shock  
**useless bisexual:** i really dont wanna punch the cognitive version of your sister but now i just found out i have to  
**useless bisexual:** im not super comfortable w/ that  
**Makoto Niijima:** How do you think I feel?  
**rat baby:** i’m ok with punching the cognitive version of your sister!  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s good to hear, Futaba.  
**sh(akira):** Alright well since we know now that she has a palace, all we need to do is find her keywords and we’re in  
**inspector gadget:** Easier said than done.  
**inspector gadget:** I tried getting in several times, but to no avail.  
**useless bisexual:** damn  
**useless bisexual:** yknow we should meet up for this sort of thing  
**useless bisexual:** can we tell the others about this asap so we can get together somewhere and figure this whole thing out ??  
**sh(akira):** Yeah sure, that’s a good idea Ryuji  
**sh(akira):** Do you guys wanna meet up near the courthouse later today once we get everyone together?  
**rat baby:** sure thing  
**useless bisexual:** yea  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sounds reasonable.  
**inspector gadget:** Indeed.  
**sh(akira):** Cool beans, I’ll let the others know  
**useless bisexual:** who tf says cool beans anymore  
**useless bisexual:** what are u 40  
**sh(akira):** I do  
**sh(akira):** And yeah I am  
**rat baby:** jeez ryuji stop dating 40 year olds, ur such a gold digger  
**useless bisexual:** im sorry i cant help it  
**Makoto Niijima:** Akira go message the others right now or I’m taking away your admin privileges.  
**sh(akira):** :(  
**sh(akira):** Fine

\---

_You have (2) new notifications from sh(akira)_

_November 5th 2016_  
_3:01 pm_

**sh(akira):** Hey, so  
**sh(akira):** You aren’t actually gonna change Akechi’s nickname back, are you  
**Makoto Niijima:** Hell no.  
**sh(akira):** Thank god

\---

_November 5th 2016_  
_9:57 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** MAKOTO  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING BUT YOUR SISTER’S PALACE IS REALLY COOL  
**useless bisexual:** AGREED  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m… not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not?  
**Makoto Niijima:** You know the only reason her palace is a casino is because she sees the entire court system as a game to win, right?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well,,,, YEAH but  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s cool  
**useless bisexual:** super cool  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m glad you enjoyed yourselves then.  
**sh(akira):** Makoto you can feel free to punch me for saying this, but the shadow version of your sister is intimidatingly hot  
**Makoto Niijima:** I won’t punch you for it. I WILL give you a stern and disapproving look for it, though.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Feel free to imagine me doing that as I am doing it right now.  
**sh(akira):** Will do  
**sh(akira):** I feel appropriately and reasonably shamed now  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**Makoto Niijima:** You’re welcome.  
**rat baby:** kinkshamed  
**Makoto Niijima:** NO.  
**inspector gadget:** I hope you’re all aware that we’re here to steal her treasure, not to gamble and have fun.  
**rat baby:** says the guy whose mask looks like the tesla logo  
**useless bisexual:** hhSFNGIS  
**useless bisexual:** i never noticed that holy shit  
**inspector gadget:** I assure you that design choice wasn’t on purpose.  
**rat baby:** doesn’t matter, u ripped off tesla and now ur goin to jail  
**useless bisexual:** metaverse jail or real jail??  
**rat baby:** both  
**rat baby:** except metaverse jail is just the ventilation shafts in niijima-san’s casino  
**rat baby:** he can live in there and we can push poptarts through the gaps in the vents if he ever gets hungry  
**useless bisexual:** perfect  
**inspector gadget:** I’m literally reading all of this you know.  
**rat baby:** ya we kno  
**rat baby:** half the reason this chat was made was just to rag on u anyway  
**inspector gadget:** Wait, what?  
**sh(akira):** ANYWAY  
**sh(akira):** How about those casino games huh  
**sh(akira):** Y’know the games. In a casino  
**sh(akira):** Those ones  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Is it bad that even after spending several hours in a casino I still have no clue how the whole concept of gambling works?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** What exactly is so appealing about it?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Money.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Well… yes I figured.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** But individual chances of winning are so low I don’t see why anyone would take that risk.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Money.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** … Fair.  
**useless bisexual:** i think what he means is that the risk isnt such a big deal when the reward is so good  
**useless bisexual:** also,,,,, money  
**useless bisexual:** money good  
**sh(akira):** Money very good  
**sh(akira):** If you think I wouldn’t eat my own foot for 50,000,000 yen then you’re wrong  
**useless bisexual:** bro i kno u would  
**useless bisexual:** id probably eat your foot for 50,000,000 yen ngl  
**ann (°◡°♡):** is that the only thing you’d eat??  
**useless bisexual:** …..,,,;;;;  
**useless bisexual:** ann  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT’S A LEGITIMATE QUESTION  
**sh(akira):** Let’s just say he’s eaten other things for free  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hSLFHGOFG  
**useless bisexual:** S T O P  
**rat baby:** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C9KP5_BVwAEIjIz.jpg>  
**useless bisexual:** dON’T POST THAT HERE  
**rat baby:** :3c  
**Makoto Niijima:** Don’t tell me I’m going to have to start muting people.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Because I will.  
**sh(akira):** Spare us  
**Makoto Niijima:** Akira you also have the ability to mute people, I might add.  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah, I know  
**sh(akira):** But I am a benevolent god  
**rat baby:** anyway back to the topic at hand, we should’ve played darts w/ akechi’s mask instead of the actual darts they gave us  
**rat baby:** maybe then we would’ve actually won  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ohoho shots fired  
**inspector gadget:** It’s not my fault you’re all terrible at darts. Also, I’m pretty sure the game was rigged from the start.  
**rat baby:** it’s not our fault your mask looks like a cornucopia  
**useless bisexual:** hhhhhHHHHHH is this a roast session  
**ann (°◡°♡):** IT IS NOW  
**sh(akira):** The score is Futaba 1, Akechi 0  
**sh(akira):** What is your comeback mr. detective sir  
**inspector gadget:** None, because I respect myself enough not to stoop to her level?  
**sh(akira):** Wrong answer  
**sh(akira):** The score is now Futaba 2, Akechi 0  
**rat baby:** hell yeah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** this roast session is rigged  
**Makoto Niijima:** Can you all stop bullying each other for at least 2 seconds?  
**sh(akira):** No  
**rat baby:** no  
**useless bisexual:** nah  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nope  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Absolutely not.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yusuke, you weren’t even taking part in the roast session.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No, I was merely observing from the sidelines.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** However I was extremely entertained by said roast session.  
**Makoto Niijima:** That doesn’t count.  
**sh(akira):** Moral support  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Precisely.  
**Makoto Niijima:** … Fine.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But you should stop making fun of Akechi for his thief clothing, he can’t help the way his cognition visualizes what a thief should be.  
**rat baby:** he looks more like a woodpecker than a thief  
**useless bisexual:** sick burn  
**sh(akira):** Do you need some bufu for that agi  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hhHHNGKSHG  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m not sure if you were kidding or not, but I can use Goemon if you need me to.  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**inspector gadget:** It’s fine Makoto-san, this is all in good fun.  
**inspector gadget:** Besides it’s not like I haven’t heard anything worse.  
**useless bisexual:** oh yeah speakin of which  
**useless bisexual:** have u guys seen some of the threads on the phansite  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Unfortunately, yes.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Some of them are just plain awful…  
**useless bisexual:** yea they are pretty awful  
**useless bisexual:** but some are pretty fuckin hilarious  
**useless bisexual:** look at this shit

_useless bisexual sent an image_

**ann (°◡°♡):** oh my god  
**ann (°◡°♡):** “does the phantom thieves is gay?”  
**sh(akira):** Pfft  
**rat baby:** THERE ARE OVER 100 REPLIES ON THAT THREAD  
**sh(akira):** Does is we? Nobody will ever know  
**rat baby:** hold on i gotta find that thread so i can read all the replies  
**useless bisexual:** WAIT HERES ANOTHER GOOD ONE

_useless bisexual sent an image_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** “The Phantom Thieves poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, and delivered a plague unto our houses.”  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I don’t recall doing any of that.  
**sh(akira):** I do  
**useless bisexual:** the funny thing is that i cant tell if that one is a joke thread or the real deal  
**rat baby:** i could see myself doing that  
**rat baby:** in fact, who says i’m not doing that rn?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I sincerely hope you aren’t.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I WOULD !!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ann, no.  
**useless bisexual:** oh yea this ones my personal fave

_useless bisexual sent an image_

**sh(akira):** Holy shit  
**sh(akira):** “Can I offer you a nice calling card in this trying time”  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** What’s so funny about that one?  
**sh(akira):** The only reply is just a picture of Danny Devito with a calling card photoshopped in his hand instead of an egg  
**sh(akira):** I love this  
**useless bisexual:** arent these great  
**sh(akira):** I can’t decide if I want to make this my new laptop background or keep the screenshot of you flexing in the Skype call 2 days ago  
**useless bisexual:** god thats a hard decision  
**useless bisexual:** thats up to u my guy  
**sh(akira):** Ughhhh  
**sh(akira):** Decisions, decisions  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Where do people find the time to make these sorts of things?  
**useless bisexual:** i have no idea but im sure fuckin glad they do  
**rat baby:** agreed  
**rat baby:** i just finished reading like half the replies on the “does the phantom thieves is gay” thread and i’m losing my mind  
**rat baby:** my favorite reply so far is one guy who said “i don’t know, but if i kissed a phantom thief would that make me gay?”  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**sh(akira):** If you touch us you’re gay  
**ann (°◡°♡):** the gay touch  
**useless bisexual:** we turn ppl gay by getting our gay little hands all over their treasure

_sh(akira) renamed the conversation to “catch these gay hands”_

**useless bisexual:** YEA  
**Makoto Niijima:** You guys are ridiculous.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** funny you should say that, considering you have the gayest hands of us all (•̀w•́)✧  
**Makoto Niijima:** I will not deny the sheer gayness of my hands.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Because you’re right and they are very, very gay.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But I feel like we should come up with an actual plan for this palace.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I want to proceed with caution, since I don’t think I could forgive myself if this palace resulted the way the last one did…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Mako-chan is right.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, I didn’t mean to sound insensitive there Haru!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** No, no, you weren’t being insensitive! I completely agree with you.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** What happened with my father’s palace can’t happen to anyone else, ever.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Not even he deserved an ending that cruel.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sometimes i still have nightmares about that video…  
**useless bisexual:** same here  
**useless bisexual:** im not too good at strategy tbh,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** but i can help out if it means we never have to see anythin like that again  
**sh(akira):** That’s a good idea Makoto  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I agree.  
**inspector gadget:** For once I completely agree with all of you.  
**inspector gadget:** If you’ve got any ideas feel free to speak up, but I have a couple plans in mind already.  
**inspector gadget:** Do any of you mind if we organize a thieves meeting first thing tomorrow morning to discuss, since none of us have class?  
**rat baby:** ugh i hate getting up earlyyyyyy  
**rat baby:** but yeah i guess i can, since this is important and everything  
**sh(akira):** You’ll survive  
**sh(akira):** But yeah that sounds good, I can make everyone double-shot espresso to help wake us up  
**useless bisexual:** did i ever mention how thankful i am that im dating a barista bc holy shit  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i thought you didn’t like coffee?  
**useless bisexual:** ur right i didnt !! but akira actually figured out how to make coffee sweet without getting rid of the coffee flavor  
**useless bisexual:** so now i can drink coffee without it being too bitter!!! but only when akira makes it  
**useless bisexual:** i dont even think the boss has figured out how to brew coffee like that yet  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wow, that’s kinda impressive  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akira you’re like some kind of coffee wizard  
**sh(akira):** Thanks, it’s like the only thing I’m good at  
**sh(akira):** It was actually kinda fun figuring out how to make sweeter coffee though, even if I stayed up til 2 am experimenting around with the beans  
**useless bisexual:** duuude u never told me that  
**useless bisexual:** i wouldnt have asked if i knew u were gonna lose sleep over it  
**sh(akira):** It wasn’t a problem, seriously  
**sh(akira):** Besides it was totally worth it when I got to see your reaction  
**useless bisexual:** hnjdlfgs  
**Makoto Niijima:** As much as I hate to break up this moment, if we’re going to be up at dawn I suggest we all get some sleep.  
**useless bisexual:** haha u sound like morgana  
**rat baby:** THE TRANSFORMATION, IT’S HAPPENING  
**sh(akira):** Save yourself Makoto  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Honestly if Mako-chan turned into a cute cat, I wouldn’t complain!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh man  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haru don’t tell me you’re… into that?  
**Makoto Niijima:** UM, ANYHOW...  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll be going offline for tonight goodbye everyone.

_Makoto Niijima is now offline_

**ann (°◡°♡):** !!!!!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** OOOOHHHHHH  
**useless bisexual:** BITCH U GUESSED IT  
**useless bisexual:** U WAS RIGHT  
**sh(akira):** We’ve made so many discoveries over the past couple of days  
**rat baby:** the kinkshamer becomes the kinkshamee


	20. akira makes a cowboy bebop reference and gets arrested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** DID YOU REALLY JUST CHANGE YOUR OWN NICKNAME  
>  **i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world:** YEAH !!!!!!!!  
>  **sh(akira):** CHANGE IT BACK  
>  **i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world:** NO !!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is out a day early instead of a day late for once, wow !!
> 
> apologies if this one is sorta all over the place..... there's a lot i wanted to fit into this week's chapter, but now that i look back it sorta ended up being a little chaotic haha,,, whoops. ANGST, HUMOR, FLUFF WE GOT IT ALL FOLKS
> 
> now onto my favorite part: WEEKLY PROMOS! i recently found out that there's a [team](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNxeO2-0heBbiJ3iNwuw2IQ/videos) that's currently [DUBBING](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT7NpuJOSOU) MY FANFIC??? they're so nice, please give their youtube channel a look and a listen (and maybe even subscribe!)
> 
> last but not least, Grimmorie made this wonderful [sketch](http://imgur.com/gallery/7nq2D) of the girlfriends !!! (I'M SORRY I COULDN'T FIND YOUR INFO TO LINK IN HERE, feel free to message me and let me know so i can properly credit you! ^^)
> 
> enjoy this week's chapter because things only get worse from here !! (❛ᴗ❛)

_November 17th 2016_  
_3:45 pm_

_Makoto Niijima created a group_

_Makoto Niijima added sh(akira), useless bisexual, ann (°◡°♡), Yusuke Kitagawa, rat baby and ✧* Haru Okumura ✧* to the group_

**Makoto Niijima:** Alright it’s just us in this group, so I’ll go over the plan one more time for us all. Sound good?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Go ahead!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Tomorrow after school I’ll deliver the calling card to my sister. We’ll infiltrate the palace as usual and go after the treasure.  
**Makoto Niijima:** However after we obtain it, we’re almost certain there will be an ambush waiting for us.  
**Makoto Niijima:** The police will most likely be waiting somewhere near the entrance to the palace, so we’ll just have to make it look like a desperate escape.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Or rather you will, Akira.  
**sh(akira):** Roger  
**Makoto Niijima:** The rest of us will regroup at the 2nd infiltration route we planned and make our escape.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Do not engage with any of the police WHATSOEVER. This may jeopardize Akira’s portion of the mission.  
**Makoto Niijima:** At that point all we’ll have to do is play the waiting game. Futaba will be on standby, correct?  
**rat baby:** yep yep!  
**Makoto Niijima:** In that case, that’s the entire plan. Are there any questions or concerns?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah um, one quick question  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** how sure are we that this is gonna work?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** the police could have something up their sleeves that we don’t know about  
**Makoto Niijima:** The risks are… multiple.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I can’t guarantee or success by any means, if that’s what you’re asking.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But this is a high-risk game we’re playing. It’s the only course of action we’ve got at this point.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i know, and i get that  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m just…… really nervous  
**useless bisexual:** yeah youre tellin us  
**useless bisexual:** one of our teammates could fuckin die if we arent careful  
**useless bisexual:** i dont like it one bit, but i wouldnt be here if there were any other options  
**sh(akira):** I’ll be fine  
**sh(akira):** As long as we don’t let our guard down, we’ll all be ok  
**sh(akira):** Be ready for anything, and be careful. I’m counting on you guys  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** We’ll be counting on you as well!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Stay safe, leader.  
**sh(akira):** I’ll sure try

\---

_November 18th 2016_  
_10:52 pm_

_You have (2) notifications from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** hey  
**useless bisexual:** you still up?  
**sh(akira):** It’s not even midnight, of course I’m up  
**useless bisexual:** oh yeah what was i thinkin  
**useless bisexual:** that u had a normal sleep schedule or somethin?? nah impossible  
**sh(akira):** Sleep is for the weak  
**sh(akira):** And I am a strong, tired and unstable individual  
**useless bisexual:** truth  
**useless bisexual:** but for real theres somethin i wanna talk about  
**sh(akira):** I can probably guess what it is  
**useless bisexual:** ..…..  
**sh(akira):** This is about the infiltration plan for Niijima-san’s palace, right?  
**sh(akira):** I told you, I’ll be fine  
**useless bisexual:** u don’t know that  
**sh(akira):** Well, I guess our odds are pretty slim  
**sh(akira):** And we’re basing our entire infiltration tomorrow off of something that’s completely theoretical  
**sh(akira):** But yeah I’ll be fine  
**useless bisexual:** stop messin around im serious  
**useless bisexual:** i told the others that i wasnt too crazy about the plan but……  
**useless bisexual:** i know its all we got  
**useless bisexual:** i know its gotta work  
**useless bisexual:** but im still scared  
**sh(akira):** Hey  
**sh(akira):** You wanna know a secret?  
**useless bisexual:** are u gonna say somethin stupid like “im gay” to try and change the subject  
**sh(akira):** No  
**sh(akira):** Well normally yeah, but not this time  
**sh(akira):** I wanted to say that I’m scared too. This plan quite literally scares the shit out of me  
**useless bisexual:** oh  
**useless bisexual:** ...... really?  
**sh(akira):** Absolutely  
**sh(akira):** I mean let’s face it: Our odds as shitty as they can get  
**sh(akira):** We’re going up against the literal Japanese black ops  
**sh(akira):** My gun is fucking fake so I can’t even shoot real people with it  
**sh(akira):** So yeah. Of course I’m terrified  
**useless bisexual:** hey my gun is fake too  
**sh(akira):** Well yeah but you’ve got a lead pipe  
**useless bisexual:** so? u got a knife  
**sh(akira):** It’s not sharp unless I’m in the metaverse  
**sh(akira):** A lead pipe doesn’t need to be sharp to kill people, Ryuji  
**useless bisexual:** WHATEVER  
**useless bisexual:** its just,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** i didnt like how u sounded when u were goin over the plan w/ us earlier  
**sh(akira):** How so?  
**useless bisexual:** u made it sound like we were the only ones who had a job to do  
**useless bisexual:** which….. i mean yeah our job is pretty important  
**useless bisexual:** but i want u to know that u have just as much ability to make this mission a success as we do  
**useless bisexual:** ur not just a decoy and ur not a liability  
**useless bisexual:** i rly dont like it when u downplay how important u are to us  
**useless bisexual:** …… to me  
**sh(akira):** You know I didn’t mean it like that  
**useless bisexual:** no i dont know!!  
**useless bisexual:** u joke about this stuff all the time but all it takes is ONE slip up and they wont just be jokes anymore  
**useless bisexual:** u know we cant lose u  
**useless bisexual:** so i NEED u to promise ur gonna make it out alive…… not just for our sake but for yours too  
**sh(akira):** Ok  
**sh(akira):** I promise  
**useless bisexual:** good  
**useless bisexual:** anyways thats all i wanted to say  
**useless bisexual:** sorry if im a downer or anythin  
**sh(akira):** No, that was important  
**sh(akira):** A lot of the time I brush off heavy stuff like this because I don’t want people to worry about me, especially not you  
**sh(akira):** But sometimes I forget that might worry people even more.... especially you  
**sh(akira):** Sorry  
**useless bisexual:** man dont apologize !!!!  
**useless bisexual:** i just want u to know how important u are to us and how much i love u  
**sh(akira):** Stoooooop  
**useless bisexual:** <https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/0d/5a/a7/0d5aa7ce67e364ddd65648d61dc04060.png>  
**sh(akira):** STOOOOOP  
**useless bisexual:** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C64m_FnWgAAMCrO.jpg:large>  
**sh(akira):** I swear to god if you don’t  
**useless bisexual:** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CtMAT3oXYAAJo5j.jpg:large>  
**sh(akira):** S T O P  
**useless bisexual:** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DF4I1SZUwAA1b1J.jpg>  
**sh(akira):** WHERE DO YOU FIND ALL OF THESE  
**useless bisexual:** I HAVE A FOLDER OF WHOLESOME MEMES

_useless bisexual’s nickname is now i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world_

**sh(akira):** DID YOU REALLY JUST CHANGE YOUR OWN NICKNAME  
**i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world:** YEAH !!!!!!!!  
**sh(akira):** CHANGE IT BACK  
**i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world:** NO !!!!!!!!  
**sh(akira):** I’M EMBARRASSED I’M GOING TO BED

_sh(akira) is now offline_

**i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world:** OK HAVE A GOOD SLEEP I LOVE YOU 

_i love my boyfriend so much he deserves the world’s nickname is now useless bisexual_

_useless bisexual is now offline_

\---

Sae’s leviathan form let out a final, bloodcurdling screech before collapsing to the ground. The group all watched as her horrifying form eventually flickered back into a more humanoid shape, gasping for breath as she tried to gather her bearings. 

“... _So I’ve lost…_ ” she muttered in disbelief. 

Makoto let out a choked noise and immediately rushed forward and kneeled in front of her sister’s shadow, the worry blatant on her face. “Sis-!” 

Akira noticed Akechi blink in confusion, whispering to himself, “It’s just a shadow, why is she-” but he was cut off as Ann elbowed him roughly in the sternum. 

“Shut up!” She whispered. 

“... Sorry.” 

Ryuji sighed, walking up to Makoto and kneeled down next to her. “We’re gonna go get the treasure. It’ll only be a minute, alright?” She nodded and looked back to her sister. 

A flash of recognition passed across Sae’s face as she gazed into her little sister’s eyes, partially obscured by her iron mask. They were hardly visible, but bright with determination and love for her big sister nonetheless. 

“ _... Makoto?_ ” She asked in a soft voice. 

Makoto gazed down at the floor as she spoke, “I don’t think it’s wrong to bring light to evils which can’t be judged by law,” she began. “That’s all the Phantom Thieves have been trying to do too.” 

She let out a shaky breath. “But these aggressive investigations? Twisting the truth for your own personal gain...?” Her voice broke. “Please… you _have_ to think back to the feeling you had when you first wanted to be a prosecutor.” 

Makoto looked up into her big sister’s eyes with a smile. “Think about your justice, sis.” 

Sae stilled, returning Makoto’s gaze. “ _My justice…_ ” 

Makoto was tearing up now. “Try to remember how you used to be.” she said, sniffing. 

Sae looked back down, struggling to find words. “ _How, I…_ ” 

Haru couldn’t bear to just stand and watch anymore, walking over to where Makoto knelt and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend as Makoto leaned against her. 

The brief moment was interrupted by Yusuke’s voice calling out, “We found it!” as he and Ryuji approached them. Ryuji was holding tightly onto the briefcase that contained Niijima-san’s treasure. 

Makoto and Haru stood, regrouping with the rest of them. Morgana hopped over to check on them with concern, but Haru assured they were both fine with a wave of her hand. 

“So I suppose this is the end of our working together?” Akechi asked, looking expectantly at Akira. 

“I mean, unless you wanna keep breaking into people’s minds and stealing their desires, then yeah.” Akira said. “But if you ever change your mind feel free to give us a call. We have a Phantom Thieves landline.” 

“Correction,” Ann interjected. “ _You_ have a landline because you live in a 5 billion year old café. Nobody else uses landlines anymore.” 

“Alright, unofficial Phantom Thieves landline then.” 

Akechi chuckled and shook his head. “That’s quite alright, I won’t be needing to contact you anymore. Or any of the Phantom Thieves at all, since you’ll be disbanded by then. Did you forget our deal?” 

Before Akira could respond, Futaba suddenly let out a noise of alarm as her suit brought up an image of the situation outside. Restless shadows seemed to appear in every square inch of the place, the security guards swarming all the entrances and exits. 

“Whoa… what the hell? Why're there so many of em?” Ryuji wondered aloud. 

“They’re gonna have us surrounded if we don’t hurry!” Morgana exclaimed. “I’m not sure why there’s so many, but we can’t afford to worry about that right now.” 

Makoto nodded, looking solemn. “A group as large as ours would get discovered almost immediately if we all tried to escape,” she pondered. “What we need is a distraction, but… that’s far too dangerous to ask of someone.” 

Akira raised a hand. “I’ll do it.” 

Haru looked worried. “You’re going to distract them all by yourself? Are you sure that’s safe?” 

Ryuji stepped forward, nodding at Akira. “It’s alright. If there’s anyone who’s more than capable of outrunning a bunch of lackeys, it’s this guy.” 

Akira grinned and took the briefcase from Ryuji, fingertips brushing for a few moments longer than what was normal. 

Ryuji met his eyes, giving him a brief look that said: ‘ _Don’t you dare die on us. Come back alive or I’ll kick your ass._ ’ 

Akira smiled, returning a ‘ _Don’t worry, I promise I will_ ’ look. 

“There’s still more coming-!” Futaba’s distressed cry snapped them back to reality. “If we don’t move we’re toast!” 

“You heard her everyone, let’s get going!” Makoto directed them. 

They all gave their parting goodbyes as Akira split off from the rest of the group. _I guess it’s now or never_ , he thought as he ran towards the staircase and back into the casino. 

The bright, neon lights flooded his vision as he snuck back into the main hall. He climbed atop lights and banisters as he made his way closer to the entrance so he could grab the attention of the guards and let his friends escape with their lives. 

Akira wouldn’t screw this up. He couldn’t screw this up. 

He would see them all again. 

\---

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck run run run_

Akira dashed down the narrow hallway and burst out onto the upper level of the casino lobby. The entrance should have been right before him, and yet… 

“ _Is there something wrong?_ ” Futaba’s voice rang out in his earpiece. “ _The entrance should be right there._ ” 

“Yeah, it is… 20 feet below me,” Akira replied. 

“ _Well fuck,_ ” Futaba answered. 

Another familiar voice rang out in his earpiece. “ _Are there any other means of escape? Remember, you just have to get outside,_ ” Makoto’s voice crackled through the intercom. 

Akira looked around desperately, trying to find some kind of pathway... not even his 3rd eye ability was being useful right now. Thanks for nothing Igor, you useless goblin. 

Suddenly he came across an idea. 

“Hey,” he spoke into his intercom. “Have any of you guys seen the 5th episode of Cowboy Bebop?” 

“ _No, so don’t spoil me,_ ” Ryuji’s voice came through. “ _Wait, why’re you even askin’?_ ” 

Akira grinned. “Well, spoiler warning because you’re about to find out.” 

__

Ryuji yelled into the intercom. “ _Hold on, WHADDYA MEAN-_ ” 

__

With that, Akira hoisted himself up on the marble banister leading to the large, stained glass window on the other side of the room. He started running when three security guards burst out of the door to the corridor and began to shoot, the bullets just barely missing where his feet had been. 

__

Akira stopped in front of the window, making eye contact with the guards. They looked back at him. He grinned. 

__

“See ya space cowboy!” he said, propelling himself at the window and smashing through. 

__

He landed into a roll once his feet reached the concrete, crouching as not to be seen. Or so the police thought, anyway. 

__

The spotlight shone on him almost immediately, rows and rows of police cars and armed officers filling his vision. Akira squinted, trying to look confused and stunned as voices yelled out from megaphones and demanded his capture. 

__

He attempted a break for it, climbing a steep, iron ladder before getting hit with the non-business end of an automatic gun and being forcibly held to the ground. 

__

Akira could see the feet of an officer, or possibly a detective approaching him. They stopped in front of his vision, the man kneeling down and grabbing him by the crown of the head so he could see his face. 

__

The gruff-looking officer scoffed at him. “Didn’t expect to find some kid…” 

__

Akira just hissed in pain, glaring silently at the officer. 

__

The man hummed and continued. “You have your teammate to thank for this y’know. _You_ were sold out.” With that, the officer released his grip on Akira’s hair and walked away, gesturing to the men holding him down. 

__

“Suspect confirmed, cuff him.” 

__

It was then Akira felt the familiar and entirely unwelcome feeling of cold metal as the handcuffs dug into his wrists for the second time that year. 

__


	21. the matrix (1999) feat. sae niijima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m saying that these people are close to me. Even if they were involved, I’m not going to sell them out. They’re my family.”
> 
> “They’re potentially wanted criminals,” Sae deadpanned.
> 
> “... Nobody’s perfect?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((funny story, my dumb ass literally couldn't remember how akira survived and i had to read like 15 different reddit threads until i found one that was actually accurate.... so thanks persona 5 subreddit, this chapter goes out to you))
> 
> in other news: i might have to take a (small) hiatus on this fic soon, possibly after the next chapter releases simply because i... haven't..... finished the game yet. whoops. I'LL FINISH IT SOON I SWEAR, TIME MANAGEMENT IS JUST HARD
> 
> but on the bright side, i have a lot of really cool stuff to show you guys this week!! first and foremost, the team dubbing my fanfic has a public [discord](https://discord.gg/Naw8BMM) that's open for everyone! we love it when new people join, so if you're interested come say hi ^^ 
> 
> [izzik](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/) has also done another amazingly adorable [drawing](http://youngizzik.tumblr.com/post/164839463867/rat-baby-most-of-my-pics-are-taken-whenever-he) for his snapchat series of this fic,,,, i'm love u izzik thank u for my life ;_;
> 
> A VERY CUTE [DRAWING](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxxPXmhg0vB4dUpfeTVDMjUzMXM/view) WAS DONE OF SHIHO AND ANN ON THEIR CREPE DATE BY NONE OTHER THAN [PIXELWHATEVER](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixelwhatever/pseuds/pixelwhatever) (if u have any social media u want me to link then just let me know because i wanna credit you properly aaaa)
> 
> [kghisalbert12](https://kghisalbert12.tumblr.com/) did a wonderfully done [fandub](https://vimeo.com/231432513) of some haru lines from chapter 10 !!! 
> 
> aaand that's about it for this week ╭( ･ㅂ･)و this chapter isn't as funny as some of the others but don't worry, there'll be plenty of goofs n memes next week. in the meantime please enjoy this piping hot plate of depression

Welp. Phase one was complete. 

_Now onto the hard part_ , Akira thought. He was able to hear voices faintly outside the thick-walled room, but they were indistinguishable from each other at this point. His head swam, his body ached, and he was pretty sure his wrists may have been bleeding.... they were definitely bruised, at least. Wasn’t excessive use of force illegal? Not to mention that weird drug they kept injecting into him whenever he refused to talk.

Perhaps the silent treatment wasn’t such a good idea in the long run...

 _Not that they probably cared_ , Akira thought again as he laid his forehead against the cool metal of the interrogation table. The entirety of Japan’s law enforcement pretty much wanted him dead at this point. What were a few scratches and bruises on their part? Not much harm done to a kid, or a criminal for that matter.

A harsh click abruptly echoed out from the door as it began to open. Akira’s head jerked up to see who it was, but his vision flickered and the room began to spin at the sudden movement. _Oof, bad idea bad idea._

The barricaded steel door shut solidly behind Sae Niijima, the sound of her heels clicking across the interrogation room floor. She turned around, but stopped as she recognized him.

“It’s you...” The look in her eyes conveyed surprise. Nonetheless, she shook off her hesitation as she approached the table to sit across from him. “I can’t say I expected this, but we’ve both had our fair share of surprises today, it seems. You’ll be answering my questions from here on out.”

When Akira didn’t respond, it was then that Sae noticed the empty syringe lying on the floor a few feet away from the table. She shook her head and scoffed.

“Those bastards...” 

Akira heard a couple snaps in front of his face. “Can you hear me? It seems you’ve been through a lot... but I’m not able to prevent what they do in here.” She sat back once again, wrinkling her nose in vague disgust at the detectives who had done this. “Almost anything goes in these situations, as unfortunate as that is.”

Akira still said nothing, so Sae just continued. “This is why I need you to answer me honestly. Neither of us have much time here, so I suggest you start talking. For both our sakes.”

Akira cleared his throat, dry from disuse in the hours since he’d been here. “What is it exactly you wanna know?” he rasped.

He noticed her breathe a small sigh of relief, happy that he was still coherent enough to speak. “I just want to know why. Why were you involved in such a large scale operation? How exactly do you ‘steal one’s heart’ so-to-speak? I mean, you’re so young, but...” she cut herself off, shaking her head. “Nevermind that. I need to know everything, from the very beginning. Anything you remember clearly at all, you need to tell me. Do you understand?”

Akira nodded, vision still swimming slightly. “I guess it all began when I moved here. Well, ‘moved’ isn’t very accurate... I didn’t have much of a choice.”

And so he told her everything. The palaces, the metaverse, the treasures, his friends… everything.

By the time he’d finished, his throat ached from talking for so long. He swallowed dryly as he watched Sae try to come to terms with everything she’d heard. He couldn’t pinpoint her expression.

“I see. I think I understand your situation a little bit better now, even if it’s a little bit hard to digest.” She leaned back in her chair, glancing for a moment at her watch. “Alas, our allotted time is almost up… but I have one more question for you.”

Akira just blinked at her, she took it as an invitation to continue. “How about we strike a deal?”

 _Oh boy_ , Akira thought.

Sae’s voice echoed throughout the sealed room. “I _will_ win this case. You said yourself that your plan was uncovered before you could change my heart, so this should come as no surprise to you. I can lighten your sentence if you choose to cooperate.”

Akira said nothing, still fixing her with a look of mixed emotions.

She huffed as she kept trying to convince him. “Look. You’ve upset the balance of this entire country. Just mentioning the Phantom Thieves now can cause complete pandemonium among the public. Your existence can’t be permitted any more than an international criminal’s could.” She leaned forward and made deliberate eye contact with him. “So let me ask you again… would you like to strike a deal?”

Akira didn’t hesitate to answer this time. “Sorry. Afraid not.”

Sae folded her arms. “You are _aware_ of the situation you’re currently in, are you not? The death penalty is an option that the court may very well choose for you. If not, then life in prison. Either way, that’s the end of the line for you. You would be completely ruined.”

“I know,” Akira said.

Sae just narrowed her eyes at him. “... Are you being serious with me right now?”

Akira nodded, or at least tried to nod as well as he could without falling over. “Yes. But I’m also very, _very_ high right now. What did you say that stuff they injected into me was again?”

“Truth serum,” Sae confirmed. “It’s illegal in most circumstances, but I suppose they got special clearance for this… how many doses did you say they stopped at?”

“Uh, I think I quit counting at three.”

“Oh.” Sae looked surprised. “Quite frankly I don’t know how you’re even still conscious right now.”

“Thanks, me neither.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

Akira just shrugged. “Whatever. Anyway, I told you I won’t cooperate.”

“Are you completely sure about that?” Sae asked him. “I won’t ask you to do anything drastic or rash. In fact, all you have to do is answer yes or no.”

She reached under her chair and pulled out a manila folder with a few documents inside. Laying them out evenly on the surface of the metal table, she pushed them towards Akira. 

“I’m going to read a list of people you mentioned who were close to you and to this case. I’ll ask you if they were linked to the Phantom Thieves investigation in any way, and you’ll answer me honestly. It’s as simple as that.”

“I told you already, none of them are involved,” Akira insisted.

Sae ignored him and proceeded with the questions. “By the looks of things, it seems you know who’s involved and who isn’t. How about we start from the beginning like before?” She turned one of the documents around to face him, showing a list of names and pointing to the very first one. 

“Ryuji Sakamoto: a 2nd year at Shujin high school. He seems to have been a constant in your life since you arrived in Tokyo. What can you tell me about him?”

Akira looked down at the table and said nothing.

“We’re running out of time, you know.”

“He’s not involved.”

Sae didn’t seem convinced. “It’s hard to believe someone you’re so close with couldn’t have known a single thing about your involvement with the Phantom Thieves.”

“Well, it’s true. He’s as innocent as they get,” Akira said, still refusing to look at her.

She sighed, but continued. “Very well. How about Ann Takamaki? She was even more involved with the Kamoshida incident than you were-”

“Wait,” Akira interrupted. “Can I ask one thing?”

Sae stopped her speech abruptly, but nodded. “Be quick about it.”

“How would you feel if your sister was in the same position as me?”

Sae went speechless. She didn’t even blink as she absorbed the words that he’d said. “Excuse me?”

“I asked what you would do if it were Makoto in this room, not me.”

She shook her head, clearing her mind. “What a ridiculous question… are you forgetting who’s supposed to be interrogating who here?”

“No, but think about it. If I tell you who’s involved, then I’m essentially dragging those people down with me.” Akira nodded at the piece of paper. “You said it yourself, it could be anyone on that list. What if it were your sister? And even then, if Makoto were in my position and refused to confess, then what? Would you just send her to the death penalty?”

Sae slammed her hand down onto the steel table. “You don’t get to make those kinds of judgements! Stop trying to mess with me and just answer my questions.”

But Akira held firm. “If you were in her position, you’d want to protect her, right? You’d trust her?”

Sae shook her head, “If my sister were a criminal, then there’s nothing I can do about that. She would be at the mercy of the court.”

“You’re part of the court,” Akira pointed out. “Is that really how you feel?”

There was nothing but silence between them. Sae took a shaky breath. “... What are you getting at?”

“I’m saying that these people are close to me. Even if they were involved, I’m not going to sell them out. They’re my family.”

“They’re potentially wanted criminals,” Sae deadpanned.

“... Nobody’s perfect?”

She made an exasperated noise and slammed both hands down onto the table this time. “I can’t believe you’re still playing at being some sort of hero of justice here! You committed a crime, and you’re being punished for it. I’m offering you a way to make this easier! Your allies sold you out and left you to fend for yourself, and you _still_ feel like you need to repay them?”

“I’m not repaying them, I’m protecting them,” Akira reasoned. “Well, almost all of them. We were sold out, but it wasn’t by one of our own.”

This seemed to interest Sae. Her eyes widened as she looked at him. “You have an idea as to who sold you out, then?”

“Oh I _know_ who sold us out. And you do too.”

This only seemed to anger her again. “Stop speaking in riddles! Just tell me who you say the true culprit is.” 

“You see him practically every day.”

“See wh-” Sae cut herself off. Oh… _oh_.

She looked directly at Akira. “So it was _him_ , huh?”

Akira nodded, pushing the paper back towards her. “We all figured it out pretty quickly after he joined us. But besides that, there’s something I need you to…”

Wait… need to what?

The room was starting to spin around him again, his vision becoming unclear. Akira braced himself against the edge of the table so he wouldn’t lose his balance. _It must be that drug..._

A hand waved in front of his face. Sae’s hand. he heard a few faint snaps before her voice came through to him.

“Hey… hey! Stay with me, we don’t have much time left here. The the truth serum’s side effects should be wearing off now. You were going to say something, what was it?” she asked.

Akira came back to himself a little, the room spinning less now. “There was… _ugh_ , ow my head,” He ran a hand through his matted hair, rubbing his temples. “Something important... I think you have it, somewhere... maybe.”

Sae shook her head. “That doesn’t help me, you need to be more specific. What’s so important?”

His memories were slowly coming back to him, a little less foggy now. It felt like reaching down into murky water to find something… _something important, what was it?_

Morgana’s distant voice echoed back to him through a memory. _"There’s no way he could have reacted like that if he hadn’t heard me.”_

Akira’s mind fumbled through the fog. _“My suspicions were true in the end. Still, to think his true intention was to sell us out…”_

Then all at once he remembered.

The phone.

Akira straightened up a bit and looked around. They had to have it somewhere in here… there! He pointed at the evidence bag lying next to Sae on the table.

“The phone, there’s something I need you to do with it.” 

“What?”

“Show it to the true culprit, the one I told you about.”

Now Sae just looked confused. “But… how come? Is he supposed to recognize it?”

There was a loud, firm banging on the door. A gravelly voice traveled through it, “Niijima! Time’s up, get out here.”

Sae huffed, looking back desperately at Akira. “Why are you asking me to do this?”

Akira met her gaze. “Do you trust me?”

“To be completely honest with you, no I don’t,” she said, giving him a dry look.

The banging was back, louder this time. The officers outside were beginning to get impatient.

Sae shook her head solemnly, packing up the things she’d brought with her. “I can’t even begin to fathom what you’re planning… but fine.” She stood up, looking directly at him. “This will be my last involvement with this case. If what you say really is going to help… then I’ll do my best.”

Right as Sae was about to open the interrogation room door, she turned suddenly to Akira and gave a small smile. “I’ll place my bet on you.”

\---

Sae stepped briskly through the narrow hallway, the sound of her heels echoing against the unpainted walls of the corridor. She was practically even more confused than before she’d stepped into that interrogation room…

_What good will this really do?_

Just as the thought passed through her mind, a figure turned the corner.

“Oh! Greetings, Sae-san. It’s quite the surprise to see you down here,” a familiar voice remarked.

“... Akechi-kun? I could say the same thing, what are you doing down here?”

Akechi met her gaze with a smile, folding his hands behind his back. “Well, it’s only natural for the person heading up the investigation team to interrogate their suspect, isn’t it?”

“They put _you_ in charge of the investigation?” Sae could hardly believe what she was hearing.

But Akechi just waved a hand and laughed. “It was a joke, of course. I’m just here to assist with the public security interrogation.” He glanced around a bit, “This is rather far underground isn’t it? I’m surprised.”

Sae narrowed her eyes with suspicion, “Didn’t I recall you saying there was another culprit alongside the Phantom Thieves?”

“Ah! That,” Akechi nodded. “That was but a lie I used to set them up. I had forgotten that I tricked you too, Sae-san… my apologies.”

She shook her head, “It’s fine, I’m just glad it all worked out in the end. Oh by the way,” she paused and held out Akira’s phone for Akechi to see. “Does this look familiar to you at all?”

Sae noticed Akechi stall for a moment, a strange look passing across his face before looking back to her in confusion. “No, not particularly. What is this phone?”

_Well that was strange. Was this what he was talking about?_

“It belonged to the leader of the Phantom Thieves. I had thought you might need it for your investigation.” she said.

Akechi simply waved a hand. “No, that’s fine. I was acting alongside them this whole time, so I have more than enough evidence.”

“... Very well, it’s your choice,” Sae nodded and slipped the phone back into her purse. “In that case, I wish you luck.”

Akechi smiled and nodded one last time before she passed him and continued on her way. 

As Sae was replaying the brief conversation in her mind, one thing stood out in particular to her… why did he make that remark about being so far underground? It was unusual, but it didn’t really seem all that suspicious.

She passed it off as pure curiosity, and headed back towards her office.

… At least, that’s what she thought.

The phone in her hands buzzed suddenly as she rounded the corner. Without thinking, she checked the notification.

“The Phantom Thief Alibaba…? Who is this?”

“ _Hello, Sae Niijima,_ ” an electronically disguised voice came from the phone. “ _I’m here to warn you of a grave danger._ ”

Sae could feel the panic rising in her throat. “How do you know my name? Or that I would be the one to obtain this phone…?”

The voice ignored her questions. “ _There is one thing you need to know: Goro Akechi is evil. He didn’t come here to interrogate our leader, he came here to kill him._ ”

“Excuse me?” Sae was in disbelief... Akechi, a murderer? No, that just wasn’t right.

“ _This is true,_ ” the voice confirmed. “ _Listen closely and everything will be fine. The guard is an accomplice in all of this; Akechi plans to steal his gun and kill him afterwards. Your job is to save that guard, and our leader as well._ ”

Sae let out a breath and thought about this. Ok, well it definitely wasn’t the strangest thing to happen to her today. Right?

Fuck it.

She held the phone up once again. “Tell me what I need to do.”

\---

Akira sat in the eerily silent room, tapping out a rhythm on the metal table on front of him. 

The truth serum had long worn off, causing fuzzy memories and slow thoughts to become achingly aware, a sharp paranoia gnawing at his gut. Ryuji’s face flashed into his mind, the promise he’d made the night before still fresh in his memory. 

_Come back alive._

_… Of course I will, what am I even saying?_

What were you supposed to do as you were waiting for someone to come “kill” you? Or rather, kill the _fake_ version of you that was supposedly going to manifest any minute now. Apparently the answer was “not much”, because he didn’t think he’d ever been this simultaneously bored and terrified at the same time.

_God please show him the phone, my life is literally on the line here._

His foot tapped against the cold concrete as he rubbed at his chilled, sore wrists. They _really_ needed to get better heating down here, it was fucking freezing even with his winter uniform on.

Just then, an strange yet familiar feeling passed through his body and rippled through his mind. This was… yes! The Metaverse! Sae had pulled through on her end, and the app had activated.

_Futaba, I owe you my life, holy shit. I’ll buy you all the nerd stuff you want until I die._

They were absolutely going on a shopping spree in Akihabara once he got back. The rest of the team too. Fuck it, he’d pay for another Destinyland trip himself at this point he was so happy.

That joy was interrupted by the click of a lock.

Sae stepped through, peering into the room. He noticed she was holding his phone in her hands. 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I know we’re getting you out of here immediately,” she said with urgency.

“Wasn't there a guard there?” Akira asked, leaning over to look into the hallway.

“He’s safe,” Sae reassured. “Our only issue now is finding a way to get you out without anyone seeing you.” 

Akira noticed that she faltered a bit as she spoke. “Your friend reassured me over the phone that Akechi-kun is still in this ‘Metaverse’ thing you kept speaking of, is that correct?” 

Akira nodded. “Yeah, he should still be.”

“Well if that’s true then he won’t be there for long,” Sae confirmed, gesturing for him to get up and guiding him through the door. “I think there’s an exit on the west side we can use without being seen,” she said. “Follow me.”

\---

Ryuji stood on the curb in front of the old sporting goods store he used to frequent. 

Normally his mind would have been filled with nostalgia, but right now his eyes were glued to the old TV inside, broadcasting the local news.

_“And now we return to our continued report… this morning, the police have announced that they have detained a suspect who may in fact be the leader of the Phantom Thieves group.”_

He was so engrossed with the broadcast that he hardly noticed the light footsteps coming from the shop’s front doors.

“... Hm? Well I’ll be! Goodness, look at you now. It’s been a while, Ryuji!”

He turned to see Aiko, the shop’s owner and and a good family friend. It had been ages since he’d last stopped by the shop, but he remembers how much she’d supported him during his track and field days.

So much for that, huh?

“Yeah haha, it has hasn’t it…” He tried to muster a grin as she set down the boxes she was carrying and mussed up his hair. 

“You stopped visiting so abruptly, everyone was worried about you,” she remarked, nudging him to the side so she could rearrange the display in front of her. “It’s your second year, right? Are you still doing track and field? I’d love to see you run again.”

He tried to bite back the sting in his throat as he remembered why he wasn’t in track and field anymore. “N-nah, it just... didn’t work out I guess.”

She clicked her tongue and patted him on the arm. “Well that’s disappointing. But I suppose it can’t be helped, right?” Ryuji just shrugged. 

“There are lots more opportunities for you, I’m sure of it. In fact I wouldn’t object if you decided to eventually start working here!” Aiko gave him a warm smile. “You’re always welcome here... you know that, right?”

Ryuji nodded, not wanting to open his mouth and say something stupid. “Yeah… yeah I do know.” He managed to smile back. “Thanks, Aiko.”

Aiko just laughed as she clapped him on the back, startling him a bit. “Good! Now, I was going to ask why you were just standing here like a fish out of water. I’m guessing it wasn’t to pay me a visit?”

Ryuji scratched his head in embarrassment, “Nah I’m afraid not. There’s some real intense stuff goin’ on in the news, and our cable was bein’ stupid at home,” He gestured inside the shop. “I was in the neighborhood and remembered you had a TV in there, so I just stopped by.”

Aiko nodded, seemingly satisfied with this. “It’s about all that Phantom Thief business, isn’t it?”

“Uh, w-well…”

“You can be honest with me, boy!” Aiko said, laughing once again. “It’s all anybody ever talks about nowadays, I’m not surprised you’ve taken an interest in it.”

 _More than just an interest_ , Ryuji thought.

Aiko sighed and looked back towards the TV with a vague sadness in her eyes. “They say the person detained was just a teenager,” she remarked, shaking her head. “So young to be put away for something like that.”

Ryuji said nothing. He stood for a few moments, watching the TV with Aiko as the background noise of the city streets hummed pleasantly around both of them.

“You think he’ll be ok?” Ryuji asked, breaking the silence.

“Hm?” Aiko turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”

Ryuji didn’t even know what he was saying at this point, messing with the suspenders that hung from his waistband. “The guy... y’know, the one that they arrested.” His grip tightened. “D’you think he’s gonna be alright?”

Aiko just hummed as she looked back at the TV, an expressionless look on her face. “Who can say, really?” She pondered. “But if you ask me… I think that if he’s truly a good person, then luck will be on his side.” She said as she bent down to pick up the remainder of her empty boxes and head inside.

Ryuji saw her wink at him as she opened the door to the shop. “Thieves in stories to tend to be quite lucky, don’t they?” she asked, laughing.

Ryuji couldn’t help but chuckle a bit himself, sitting down on the curb and resting his head against the front window as she noise of the TV filtered through the shop’s open door.

Thieves are supposed to be lucky, huh? Well he sure hoped she was right.

 _“We have breaking news! The young man being held in custody has committed suicide. The police have confirmed his death, although details have not been released.”_

Ryuji turned abruptly, watching the broadcast with wide eyes.

_“To repeat: The suspect has committed suicide while in custody. This station will continue to report any further updates as they arrive.”_

Ryuji could scarcely breathe. He hardly moved a muscle as the newscaster repeated the message one more time, loud and clear. 

It took a moment for him to absorb the information.

Just then his phone buzzed with a single notification. He shakily let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and unlocked it.

\---

_November 20th 2016_  
_6:53 pm_

_You have (1) notifications from sh(akira)_

**sh(akira):** I lived bitch


	22. bisexuals? in MY cafe? it's more likely than you think. FREE PC CHECK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sh(akira):** Ryuji would I lie to you  
>  **useless bisexual:** yeah  
>  **sh(akira):** …...  
>  **sh(akira):** Ryuji would I lie to you when it matters  
>  **ann (°◡°♡):** omg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [arrives over a month late with starbucks and stale memes] h-hey. .... so uh. it's been a while hasn't it? i'm here to tell you that i'm not dead, just in school,,,, which is essentially the same thing now that i think about it
> 
> anyhow, it's been a very eventful month for me. i got sick, had a birthday, etc. etc. but none of that junk matters because I JUST OFFICIALLY CAME OFF OF HIATUS!! YAY !! it's really good to be back
> 
> i tried to make up for my absence by making this chapter just a bit longer than usual, so there's my "sorry for being absent" gift to u guys. we got reunions, we got hugs and confessions and a shitload of other stuff this chapter. i'm officially back on my bullshit. _finally_.
> 
> and now for FAN STUFF: we have some absolutely lovely [fanart](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxxPXmhg0vB4OFJXcDN1ZjlYVE0/view) by [pixelwhatever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixelwhatever/profile) of some motorcycle makoharus!! thank u bro!! and we also have this amazing [redraw](http://starlitcrows.tumblr.com/post/165569355337/croninians-from-mellofricker-on-ao3s-fanfic) from chapter 21 of akira and sae, made by [starlitcrows](http://starlitcrows.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. it's great. pls gaze upon it.
> 
> sorry for being AWOL for so long, but hopefully updates should become regular again! side note: i'll now be updating on tuesdays since mondays are a bit too hectic w/ my current schedule. 
> 
> hope y'all are having a fantastic week!

“Hey, are you still awake?”

Akira could hear a faint voice through the fog in his head and the heaviness in his limbs. He wasn’t sure what time it was, or even exactly _where_ he was. He could hear the steady vibration of what sounded like a car, though. The voice also sounded familiar... he tried cracking open his eyes a bit.

Sae sat in the front seat next to him. She was driving them somewhere, although Akira couldn’t quite remember where. His mind felt heavy but his body felt weightless… was this another side effect of that drug she’d mentioned earlier?

“We can’t have you drifting off before we reach our destination... try to stay awake just a little bit longer.”

Her voice almost sounded soothing, which honestly didn’t help wake him up that much. It was so different from the serious, hard tone she had used with him during the interrogation; she hardly sounded like the same person. 

Underneath her facade as a prosecutor, it turned out Sae was actually a very kind individual, Akira thought.

They hit a slight bump in the road, which woke him up a bit more. He looked out the window to find that the scenery was becoming increasingly more familiar to him. 

“Are we on our way to Leblanc?” He asked hoarsely. 

Sae nodded. “You remember that much at least,” she remarked. “You said that the others would be there by now, correct?”

Akira dug through his hazy memories, _did I tell them?_ He vaguely remembered texting Ryuji, but that was it. 

“I… I think I only told one of them.”

Sae turned to look at him disapprovingly for a split second before looking back at the road, “You told me they all knew!”

“I was going to, but I think I passed out before I could.”

Sae just shook her head despairingly and kept her eyes on the road. “... Well let’s hope they told the rest of your friends.”

“I’m sure he did, he’s not very good at keeping secrets,” Akira noted with a bit of laughter in his voice.

The drive continued silently for a while after that, the steady noise of the road almost making Akira drift off once again.

\---

Sojiro heard the sharp ring of the shop’s bell before he saw Sae Niijima enter the café. Immediately putting down the glass he was polishing, he rushed over to her.

“So? Is everything alright?”

Sae nodded reassuringly, gesturing to the front door of leblanc. “He’s in the car… my apologies for not telling you what was going on, but we had to get out of there as quickly as possible.”

Sojiro shook his head, “I understand completely. Honestly though, I’m just glad he’s safe…” He heaved a great sigh and looked out the front window. “When I first heard the news I just about had a heart attack... I’m glad you called me when you did.” 

Sae waved a hand, “Honestly I should have called you _before_ all of this happened, but I’m afraid I wasn’t told what was going on until much later. To be frank, I’m still not entirely sure how we managed to pull it off...”

Sojiro chuckled. “Welcome to every day of my life since Akira moved here. Oh, speaking of which, everyone’s waiting upstairs. They’ve been pretty antsy to see him since the news came out, I’ll go fetch em’ real quick.”

Sae nodded and took a seat in one of the barstools of the tiny café. It was a quaint little place… very quiet and serene. Just the right amount of old-fashioned. No wonder Akira liked it here so much, it was pretty out of the way compared to the rest of Tokyo and nobody here really asked questions. 

_It’s nice here... I should come by more often_ , Sae thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of feet thumping down the old stairs of Leblanc’s attic as Akira’s friends noisily entered the café, followed by Sojiro.

“I’ll go outside and bring him in here, you guys stay there,” He said.

Right away Sae recognized Makoto and Haru out of the group, but a few of the others she had never met in person before. 

Haru had been over to their home several times, and Makoto had told Sae that they were dating fairly early on, much to her surprise. Although she was glad that her little sister trusted her enough to tell her about it so quickly. Haru was a good person... not to mention she was kind, beautiful and strong as well. if Makoto was dating anyone, Sae was immensely glad that it was her.

She also recognized Futaba, who seemed to be doing much better than the last time she saw her over the summer.

“Ah, Sae-san!” Haru exclaimed upon seeing Sae at the counter. “Was the trip over here alright?”

Sae laughed, Haru’s cheerfulness a welcome distraction for her right now. “Well if you mean we both survived, then yes. I’m just glad nobody had the mind to follow us, though.”

“So… did Futaba explain everything to you?” Makoto asked, coming to stand beside Haru.

Sae nodded. “For the most part, yes,” she said, hesitating a bit. “Although, Futaba... I have to apologize for what I put you through this past summer. I never had the opportunity to say it before now, but I’m sorry I ever doubted you or Sakura-san.”

Futaba shrugged it off, grinning to herself. “It’s water under the bridge, don’t worry about it.”

“Look who’s here!”

They all turned towards Sojiro’s voice as the bell of Leblanc chimed, an all too familiar face stepping through the doorway. A bit banged up, but still easily recognizable.

“Akira!” Futaba and Ann exclaimed simultaneously. 

Akira grinned, waving at everyone. He could hardly greet anyone properly before Ryuji sped across the length of the room seemingly in the blink of an eye and crushed him in the biggest hug he’d ever received. 

Akira could barely breathe, but he buried his face into Ryuji’s shoulder regardless and exhaled shakily. His fingers dug into the back of Ryuji’s uniform. 

_I told you I’d come back_ , he thought. 

Ryuji’s arms just tightened around him in a way that said, _I knew you would_.

“Hey, don’t kill him before we have the chance to welcome him back,” Futaba’s said, smirking behind Ryuji.

Ryuji jolted a bit and moved back, his arm still tightly around Akira’s shoulder. “S-sorry, I’m just… _really_ happy right now,” he said, clearing his throat.

Ann chuckled, “Yeah we know, I thought you were gonna spontaneously combust once you got that text.”

“To be honest, I thought I would too,” Ryuji laughed, squeezing Akira a bit. If Sojiro and Sae weren’t here at the moment, Akira would have absolutely been kissing Ryuji senseless.

Soon enough, everyone was gathering around and giving their own warm welcomes to Akira now that he was back safe and sound. Well... _mostly_ safe and sound, anyway.

After all the commotion of their reunion settled down, everyone took their regular seats throughout the café. Akira was settled in his favorite booth, Ryuji sitting on a stool next to him. Their hands were still linked together at the pinkie.

Even though Akira hadn’t been gone for that long, he was still reeling from the events of the past day… he could hardly believe they’d pulled that off. Ryuji seemed to take notice, deciding to slip his hand more fully into Akira’s and weave their fingers together comfortingly. Sojiro noticed, looking almost surprised for a moment, but in the end he said nothing.

Akira decided to tune back in to what they were talking about.

“This brings up the discussion of how to conceal the fact that Akira is actually alive,” Yusuke pointed out with concern. “We don’t know if they have any surveillance on us at the moment.”

Futaba nodded. “I can do a quick once-over to check for bugs or anything, but better safe than sorry y’know?”

Akira blinked, “Wait so… are we putting me under house arrest literally right after I got out of prison?”

“Technically you were never incarcerated, so no not really,” Makoto said. 

“Okay, good,” said Akira.

Sojiro took the opportunity to speak up. “However, you’ll _actually_ be incarcerated if they find out you’re alive. So yes, for lack of a better term you’re under house arrest.”

“... Shit.” 

“Language,” Sojiro warned.

“It’s not all that bad, though!” Ann said, leaning back in the booth. “On the bright side you won’t have to come to class anymore. You’re dead as a doornail as far as anyone else is concerned.”

Akira sighed, “Yeah but this means I can’t go _anywhere_ anymore. If I walk into the beef bowl shop or something I’ll end up getting shot down by a SWAT team.”

“I highly doubt it,” Yusuke muttered. He looked as if he were seriously trying to picture a SWAT team swarming the local beef bowl shop in pursuit of one teenager.

“Well we’ll just have to prevent that from happening then,” Sojiro conceded. “But continuing on that topic… you all still have some explaining to do.”

The whole group looked at him blankly.

Sojiro rolled his eyes. “I’m asking if you would all mind telling us exactly what happened back there in the interrogation room. I’m sure Niijima-san would like to hear your explanation too, since she’s the one who helped you pull it off,” he said, gesturing at Sae.

Makoto grinned, smoothing out her skirt before launching into the full explanation. “Well, it certainly wasn’t easy to think up…”

\---

_November 20th 2016_  
_11:20 pm_

**moon moon:** SORRY I WASN’T ONLINE EARLIER, THE PHANSITE WAS CRAZY.  
**moon moon:** Please please please tell me the news was wrong and that Akira isn’t actually dead.  
**moon moon:** I noticed that chat has been inactive for the past day or so and I’m starting to panic…  
**sh(akira):** Hey it’s alright  
**sh(akira):** I’m completely fine no need to worry  
**moon moon:** Oh thank God.  
**moon moon:** Then what was the news talking about?  
**rat baby:** that was all part of our plan!!  
**rat baby:** we faked akira’s death, so if anyone asks u about it he’s dead alright  
**moon moon:** Wait WHAT?  
**useless bisexual:** no worries dude it went off without a hitch  
**useless bisexual:** we can explain it to u later tho bc im fucken EXHAUSTED  
**useless bisexual:** i barely did anythin but i feel like i just ran a marathon  
**rat baby:** yeah well, stress does that to u  
**rat baby:** welcome to anxiety  
**useless bisexual:** thanks i hate it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll dm you the details later mishima  
**moon moon:** Alright, thanks Takamaki-san.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but hey, quick question…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i was talking to shiho earlier and she mentioned that she wanted to be added to this chat  
**ann (°◡°♡):** is that a thing we could do?  
**moon moon:** Oh neat! I remember Shiho, she was nice.  
**moon moon:** I hope she’s doing well.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she is!  
**useless bisexual:** o fuck  
**useless bisexual:** well im cool w/ it but its kinda up to the admins  
**sh(akira):** Yeah why the hell not  
**sh(akira):** I just cheated death so I’m in a pretty good mood  
**sh(akira):** What about you Makoto  
**Makoto Niijima:** This is our off topic-chat, so it’s fine by me.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh speaking of which, there’s something I need to do.  
**sh(akira):** ?

_Makoto Niijima has kicked inspector gadget from the group_

_Makoto Niijima has blocked inspector gadget from the group_

**Makoto Niijima:** God that felt good.  
**rat baby:** LMAO IT’S ABOUT TIME  
**rat baby:** if u weren’t gonna do it then i was  
**useless bisexual:** rip napkin boy  
**useless bisexual:** zac effron lookin ass  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you know he can’t hear you or read this, right?  
**useless bisexual:** idc dude  
**useless bisexual:** he tried to murder my boyfriend so im allowed to roast him behind his back  
**useless bisexual:** hell id do it to his FACE if he were here rn  
**sh(akira):** No I’m dead, remember  
**sh(akira):** You have to avenge me  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so he’s gonna avenge you by roasting akechi  
**sh(akira):** Yes  
**sh(akira):** Avenge this sweet ass  
**useless bisexual:** I WILL I PROMISE  
**rat baby:** a modern love story  
**rat baby:** anyway are we adding shiho or not??  
**ann (°◡°♡):** OH YEAH i forgot to bring that up again  
**rat baby:** i’ve never met her but judging how much ann rambles about her she’s gotta be at least a little cool  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hhh hhn listen  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m really gay  
**ann (°◡°♡):** for shiho  
**useless bisexual:** and in general  
**ann (°◡°♡):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmxUysoCAAEYkZ6.jpg>  
**useless bisexual:** hNAHD BUT IM RIGHT THO  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I NEVER SAID YOU WEREN’T  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ah, I just got here but I’d love to meet Shiho as well!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I saw her around in the halls back when she still attended Shujin, but I never really talked to her… I should have though.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nah don’t sweat it ^^ you can talk to her plenty after we add her  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ll add her tomorrow since it’s getting late and I want most of us to be online.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** alright that’s fair  
**sh(akira):** I can’t wait for you to act even more gay than you already are  
**ann (°◡°♡):** impossible, i’m always at maximum level homosexuality  
**useless bisexual:** FALSE ur bi so ur argument is invalid  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wELL,  
**ann (°◡°♡):** …  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah  
**rat baby:** u just got shut down  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah well you’re about to get shut up  
**rat baby:** ooh i sense some salt  
**Makoto Niijima:** Can you two save the fake internet fighting for later? It’s getting late and I’d rather not mute this chat just to get some sleep.  
**rat baby:** EXCUSE U WE WERE REAL INTERNET FIGHTING  
**Makoto Niijima:** My point still stands.  
**rat baby:** .. .. yeah alright fine  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sorry makoto! we’ll stop spamming  
**Makoto Niijima:** Thank you. Remember to @ me if any of you need me!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** will do

_Makoto Niijima is now offline_

**rat baby:** alright well all this stress has been going to my head lately, so i’m gonna turn in early tonight  
**rat baby:** see ya  
**sh(akira):** You’re actually going to bed before 2am? wow  
**rat baby:** shut up you’re dead remember

_rat baby is now offline_

**sh(akira):** …. Harsh  
**useless bisexual:** lmao  
**useless bisexual:** r o a s t e d  
**useless bisexual:** ok this is kinda off topic but damn akira ur lucky u dont have to go to class tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** we have a world history quiz in the morning and i dont know what the hell were talkin about  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh, we had that last week  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s not that bad  
**useless bisexual:** ok but how bad is “not that bad”  
**sh(akira):** She’s lying, it was terrible  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO HE’S LYING, IT WASN’T THAT BAD  
**useless bisexual:** D:  
**useless bisexual:** dudes im conflicted now  
**useless bisexual:** which one is it  
**sh(akira):** It’s awful  
**ann (°◡°♡):** DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, IT WASN’T AWFUL  
**useless bisexual:** ?? ????  
**useless bisexual:** yall are tearing this family apart jfc  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji would I lie to you  
**useless bisexual:** yeah  
**sh(akira):** …...  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji would I lie to you when it matters  
**ann (°◡°♡):** omg  
**ann (°◡°♡):** akira the jig is up  
**useless bisexual:** alright fine im gonna study a bit tonight just in case but U GUYS ARE SO UNRELIABLE  
**useless bisexual:** GOODNITE

_useless bisexual is now offline_

**sh(akira):** It’s my first chance to tease him in ages and you blow my cover  
**sh(akira):** For shame Ann, for shame  
**ann (°◡°♡):** THAT WASN’T TEASING THAT WAS JUST STRAIGHT UP DECEPTION  
**sh(akira):** Eh, same difference  
**ann (°◡°♡):** whatever, you liar  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i should probably tell shiho the good news though, she’s gonna be so psyched to talk to you guys again  
**sh(akira):** Same here  
**sh(akira):** Shiho is awesome, I miss her  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah well just imagine how i feel  
**ann (°◡°♡):** anyway i’ll talk to you later  
**sh(akira):** See ya

_ann (°◡°♡) is now offline_

_sh(akira) is now offline_

\---

Akira stirred groggily to the sound of his alarm beeping, disturbing the deep sleep he’d been enjoying so much. 

Ugh, why did school exist again?

He reached over to his phone and turned the alarm off, taking a couple of tries to get it right before pushing Morgana off of him and stretching just like any other morning. Morgana stirred unhappily and made a growling noise, opening an eye to look at Akira. 

“You know you’re not going to school today, right? You’re dead now, remember?”

… Oh yeah.

Akira looked around his dusty old attic room and thought about the events of the past day. The escape plan, the reunion, explaining the whole situation to Sojiro and Sae… he remembered they still needed to fill Mishima in too.

_Well this is a royal mess you’ve gotten yourself into. But at least you made it_.

Flopping back down in bed, he scrolled through his notifications. Nothing, nothing… except…

He opened a new message from Ryuji.

_November 21st 2016_  
_7:01 am_

_You have (2) notifications from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** i see that online symbol  
**useless bisexual:** did u forget to turn off ur alarm u dork

Akira snorted. What was he, psychic?

**sh(akira):** No, I woke up at 7am for fun  
**useless bisexual:** yeah i bet  
**useless bisexual:** go back to sleep  
**useless bisexual:** makoto said we probably wouldnt add shiho on here til after school so dw about missing it  
**sh(akira):** But I’m gonna be booooreddd  
**useless bisexual:** ur literally always bored  
**sh(akira):** But this is different  
**sh(akira):** Now I can’t do anything about me being bored  
**useless bisexual:** i can still text u during the day dude  
**useless bisexual:** its not like im gonna be AWOL until after school  
**sh(akira):** Ok good  
**sh(akira):** I already beat all those games we went out and bought like a week or two ago  
**sh(akira):** So I have literally nothing to do  
**useless bisexual:** omg that was quick  
**useless bisexual:** i dunno,,,, go bother the boss or somethin  
**useless bisexual:** dont u kinda sorta work there anyway??  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, but I don’t get paid for it  
**sh(akira):** I’m trapped in indentured servitude  
**useless bisexual:** pfft awww poor baby  
**useless bisexual:** i can message u in between classes and durin lunch so just hold tight til after class  
**useless bisexual:** actually i could come over if u want  
**sh(akira):** That would be both awesome and amazing  
**useless bisexual:** it’s a date then  
**useless bisexual:** jeez usually IM the one complainin about bein bored n lonely,,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** oh how the turntables  
**sh(akira):** How can you possibly make fun of me, I’m suffering and dying slowly alone in my attic prison  
**useless bisexual:** what a drama queen  
**useless bisexual:** u got morgana tho  
**sh(akira):** He doesn’t count  
**useless bisexual:** w o w  
**useless bisexual:** betrayal.. …..  
**sh(akira):** He’s a cat, he only makes such good company for so long  
**useless bisexual:** did he deadass read u typing that  
**sh(akira):** No he’s asleep right now thank god  
**sh(akira):** If he were awake he’d be clawing my eyes out just for saying that  
**useless bisexual:** pfft well YEAH  
**useless bisexual:** anyway school n junk  
**useless bisexual:** u kno the drill  
**useless bisexual:** ttyl babe i lov u  
**sh(akira):** Let’s just hope I survive that long  
**useless bisexual:** U DON’T NEED TO KEEP UP THE ACT  
**useless bisexual:** jeez ur such a theater kid

_useless bisexual is now offline_

**sh(akira):** Uh, rude  
**sh(akira):** Don’t call me out like this

Akira grinned to himself as he closed the app on his phone, deciding that he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep now. He got up and padded downstairs to grab some breakfast before Sojiro opened shop.

Coming down the stairs, he saw Sojiro doing some basic kitchen prep to make sure everything ran smoothly during morning rush, or lack thereof... but it’s not like Akira would ever tell him that.

“Hey Sojiro.”

Sojiro looked up from the coffee machine he was tending to. “Heya.”

As Akira headed over to the fridge to grab himself some cereal, Sojiro stopped what he was doing and waited for him to sit down at the counter.

“So…” he began. “You and Ryuji, huh?”

He must’ve been talking about yesterday. Akira guessed he didn’t really do much to hide their relationship now that he really thought about it... oops. 

He stopped chewing for a moment and looked up. “Yeah?”

Akira knew exactly what Sojiro was talking about of course, but he decided to feign ignorance. After all, it wasn’t every day you got to see Sojiro dance around a subject. It was also funny as hell, but that wasn’t the point. 

Either way, Sojiro just continued. “So you two are pretty close?”

Akira nodded, going back to eating his cereal. “Yep. I mean, we’re best friends. Why’re you bringing this up all of a sudden?”

That seemed to catch Sojiro off guard. “No reason! No reason at all, It’s just… _well_ ,” he took a breath and gave a long pause. “I thought I noticed something yesterday, but maybe I was wrong.”

Alright, he probably shouldn’t keep it from him any longer.

“The answer is yes.”

The older man blinked, baffled. “Sorry?”

“Yes, we’re dating. I was just playing dumb earlier.” Akira said into his cereal bowl. Sojiro didn’t seem like the type of person to disapprove of them, but you never knew.

The boss gave a loud sigh as he put down the cleaning cloth he was nervously fidgeting with, “Thank _god_ I wasn’t reading the situation wrong,” he chuckled. “Normally I don’t like to make presumptions about that sort of thing but, well… I just figured I’d ask.”

Akira couldn’t help but laugh a bit, grateful that Sojiro seemed to be okay with them. “Yeah, I’m honestly surprised you didn’t find out sooner. I mean, he’s over here basically every other weekend.” Akira started counting off on his fingers, “We have study sessions like every week, he walks me home from the station all the time… it was pretty obvious from the start.”

Sojiro just scratched his head, “Yeah… sorry ‘bout that. I guess I’m, um, still getting used to it.”

Akira waved a hand as he took his empty bowl to the sink, “No Problem. I’m just glad you’re cool with it.”

Sojiro chuckled, “Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Now it was Akira’s turn to be confused. “Well… I dunno.” he admitted. “I guess it’s just not something you see very often. My parents really weren’t the type to ignore that sort of thing.” 

He washed his bowl and came back over to sit on top of the counter. “I tried dating a guy or two back home, but they always found out and put an end to things before they could begin. I guess I was just being cautious, y’know?”

Sojiro nodded, looking a bit more grave than before. “In that case, I just want you to know that I’ll never criticize you for that sort of thing, alright? In the end it’s your business, but it’s not something that you should be judged for by anyone, for any reason. You got that?”

Akira snorted at the older man’s attempts at moral support. “Yeah, I do. I’m actually starting to wonder who’s consoling who here.”

Sojiro just rolled his eyes, using the cloth to swat Akira off the counter. “Alright, well I’m about to open shop, so it’s time to get outta here. Can’t let anyone know that you’re a member of the living dead.”

Akira leapt off the counter and sauntered back to his room, picking up his phone along the way and smiling to himself.

He looked down at his screen. No new notifications huh?

Today was gonna be a long day.


	23. feeling gay in this chili's tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** WAIT,,,,  
>  **useless bisexual:** IS THAT,  
>  **shi-hoe:** :)  
>  **useless bisexual:** S H I H O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i am late w/ starbucks again. (I STILL UPDATED ON A TUESDAY, JUST A TUESDAY LATE LMAO...)
> 
> anyway [slim shady voice] guess who's back?? our favorite lesbean. the woman, the myth, the legend. 
> 
> luckily there aren't many announcements this chapter! i might start doing updates every other week though, since this fic will probably finish in about 10 chapters or so. but that's just a rough-ish estimate!
> 
> also halloween is like a week away, SO HAPPY SPOOKTOBER AND I HOPE U GUYS HAVE FUN ON THE ONLY DAY THAT IT'S SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE TO WEAR COSPLAY IN PUBLIC

The jingling of Leblanc's doorbell snapped Akira out of the book he was currently reading. Ryuji must’ve arrived… that was quick. At least he wouldn’t have to sit in his room going stir-crazy any longer.

Morgana stirred from his spot on Akira’s futon at the noise. “Well, sounds like that’s my cue to get out of here,” he said. “ _Please_ don’t do anything too inappropriate while I’m gone.”

“We’re going to ravage each other on every surface of this room so you can never sit anywhere with a clean conscience ever again,” Akira deadpanned.

Morgana flicked an ear in disgust, giving the most unimpressed expression a cat’s face could muster. “I really hope you’re joking…”

“That’s where I got my codename from, isn’t it?” Akira called out the window as Morgana leapt onto the windowsill and made his escape.

In all honesty, this “faking death” thing was a lot less fun than he’d anticipated. On the bright side: no school. On the less bright side however: no _anything_. He could barely even open a window without some underlying fear of government surveillance or whatever else hanging over his head. 

He faintly heard Ryuji’s greeting to Sojiro as familiar footsteps climbed up the stairs, interrupting his train of thought. 

Akira closed his book and sat up in his chair when he heard Ryuji’s schoolbag drop to the floor next to the stairway. His boyfriend’s bleach blond hair emerged over the edge of the stairs. “Hey you,” Ryuji said, grinning at the I’m-acting-upset-because-I-can look on Akira’s face.

Akira tossed his book onto the old futon in the corner and leaned back in his chair, looking upside-down at Ryuji. “If you had gotten here any later I would have _diiiied_ ,” he moaned.

Ryuji let out a mix between a snort and a chuckle, coming over to rough up Akira’s already disheveled hair. “You poor, poor thing you,” he said with fake sympathy, pressing a kiss to the crown of Akira’s head. “Well I’m here now so I guess they can take you off of life support or whatever kept you alive before I got here.”

“I survived through sheer willpower alone,” Akira grinned, pecking Ryuji on the chin from his position. “C’mon, let’s sit down somewhere. I got the newest issue of Jump magazine and I wanna hear you yell at me about that one manga, the one with the green kid.”

Ryuji gave him an utterly puzzled look. “... Which green kid, there are lots of green kids.”

“Uhh, hero-something-or-other I think it’s called.”

Ryuji’s eyebrows shot up, “OHHHH alright I know which one you’re talkin’ about now. Yeah that’s a good one.” He grabbed Akira’s comforter and spread it on the floor, browsing the bookshelf for the newest Jump issue. “You ever gonna, oh I dunno, actually read it? I think It’s right up your alley.”

Akira turned around in his chair. “Mmmh, nah. I like hearing you tell me about it, you always get so excited. It’s cute.”

Ryuji made an embarrassed noise, face heating up noticeably. “Shut up dude! It’s just that good, alright? I’m not cute.”

“You denying it just makes you cuteeer,” Akira crooned before he was whacked halfheartedly over the head with that week’s issue.

“Get down here before I turn this magazine into a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Yessir,” Akira saluted, stiffly getting up from his chair.

Ryuji noticed his wince as he got up to put the chair back. “... Hey you doin’ alright? I forgot to mention it, but you looked pretty beat up yesterday when we all met up here. Did somethin’ happen back at the police station?”

Akira said nothing as he made his way to sit down on the comforter, squirming around to rest the upper-half of his torso in Ryuji’s lap. “It’s nothing major, I’ll be fine in a couple days.”

Ryuji just narrowed his eyes. “That doesn’t sound like “nothing major” to me.” He glanced at the bruise on Akira’s cheekbone, tracing his thumb along it and stopping at a cut on the bridge of his nose. 

“... They did do somethin’ didn’t they?” 

Akira’s eyes darted to an obscure corner of his room. “Nothing I couldn’t handle,” he mumbled reluctantly.

That apparently wasn’t the answer Ryuji wanted to hear.

His eyebrows drew together as he realized how much Akira really might have gone through during that interrogation. How little surveillance there must have been in that room… they could have done just about anything they wanted to him. Anything to get results.

“What’d they do.”

“Ryuji I told you, It’s n-”

“Akira please, just tell me. Or if you can’t even do that, at least show me.”

Ryuji’s voice sounded grave. Akira’s mouth clamped shut as the details of that day came back to him. 

The aftereffects of the drug made his memories a bit hazy, but the sharp pain of those events stood out to him more than anything else. A pain that dug under his skin and lingered as a dull throb in the back of his awareness. That he definitely remembers.

Letting out a sigh, Akira nodded solemnly. “Alright, I’ll show you. But you have to promise not to freak out, okay? It’s all over and done with.”

Before Ryuji could respond, Akira lifted his shirt to display a large, ugly bruise across his abdomen. It extended down from his ribs to right above his stomach.

He could sense it was coming, but Ryuji could hardly control the pure, seething _rage_ that welled up inside him. He knew the people who did this to Akira were technically the “bad guys”, but weren’t they supposed to be on the side of the law too? How could they even consider _doing_ something like this?

Hesitantly, he reached out to touch the part of Akira’s abdomen that was on display. The angry reds and blues tinted Akira’s skin to the point where there was no mistaking what had happened. He let out a shaky breath as he drew his hand away.

“Listen, I know you’re angry but I’m alright, re-”

Ryuji turned him around and pulled him into a tight hug.

Akira stopped talking almost immediately.

“... I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

He could feel Akira’s breath stall where his face was buried against the crook of Ryuji’s shoulder. He decided to keep talking.

“I know there’s literally no way I _could_ have been there with how the plan worked and all, but still... I had no idea they would’ve done something like that to you. That they _could’ve_ done something like that to you… I-”

Ryuji cut himself off for fear of his voice wavering. He took a deep breath and continued.

“We’ll get those bastards back, alright? Not directly, but when we take down Shido and whoever the fuck else we need to, we’re gonna give em’ all hell.” His grip tightened around Akira’s midsection. “They won’t get away with what they did to you or anyone else ever again... I promise.”

He could feel Akira gradually relax in his grasp, accepting the fact that Ryuji wasn’t letting go anytime soon. “Thanks,” he could hear Akira mumble into his shirt.

Those few moments seemed to stretch on for eternity before Akira squirmed in his grasp once again and turned back around, settling his head in Ryuji’s lap. “So now that the sappiness is over, are you gonna read this week’s chapter to me or what?”

Ryuji scoffed. “I try being sincere for once in my life and this is how you repay me?” he asked, mock offended.

“You’re always sincere dumbass, that’s why I love you,” Akira shot right back, not realizing the depth his words held.

That only caused Ryuji’s face to heat up once more, burying his face into Akira’s fluffy, dark curls. “You can’t just _say_ shit like that…” he muttered.

Akira laughed and leaned up to smack a kiss onto his forehead. “I can and I will. Now less talking and more reading.”

“I gotta talk to read, don’t I?”

“Shut up, you know what I meant.”

The two of them spent a couple of hours together just enjoying each other’s company; reading manga, cuddling and just talking about nonsensical things. They hardly even moved before Ryuji’s mom texted him, requesting that he come home to help out with dinner.

Ryuji groaned as he turned his phone back over, reluctant to get up or move at all. “I guess I gotta go now...”

Akira just made a soft humming noise, his head entirely rested in Ryuji’s lap. Ryuji’s hand had been running along his back and playing with his curls, hardly paying attention to what he was doing. Akira cracked open an eye drearily and looked up.

“Do you really have to go? It’s barely been an hour.” 

“It’s been like… two and a half hours.”

“... Oh. Well whatever, can’t you stay longer?”

Ryuji shook his head. “Not unless I wanna miss the train, piss off my mom and not have anything to eat tonight. Sorry.”

Akira just heaved the most dramatic sigh and pulled himself out of Ryuji’s grasp, sitting up. Ryuji noticed his glasses were slightly skewed from his previous position, it was honestly pretty adorable... Ryuji adjusted them without thinking twice. Akira mumbled his thanks.

“But you’ll be online later tonight, right?” Akira asked.

Ryuji nodded. “Yep, I definitely will. Don’t worry about it.” 

They ended up walking to the station together, hand in hand before Akira saw his boyfriend off at the station. He trekked back home and checked his missed notifications as he walked, the fast approaching dusk setting a tranquil city scene around him.

… He’d miss this place. This feeling of walking around town with Ryuji, or enjoying Shibuya's quieter streets by himself. Just him and the long shadows stretching across the pavement.

He didn’t want to go home.

He didn’t want to leave the city and his friends... he didn’t want to leave the sights, the smells and the noises of Tokyo. 

Akira eventually opted not to think about it, checking his phone once again. _Don’t think about it. It’s still a ways off, just don’t think about it._

\---

_November 21st 2016_   
_6:21 pm_

**Makoto Niijima:** Alright, is everyone online?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Or, mostly everyone at least?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Yes!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Indeed.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m here  
**rat baby:** yuppers  
**sh(akira):** Ryuji said he’d be back online after dinner  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s fine, thanks for letting me know.  
**moon moon:** I’m here too!  
**Makoto Niijima:** That should be everyone then.

_Makoto Niijima added shi-hoe to the group_

**moon moon:** Omg the name...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** (i picked it out)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** HI BABE!!  
**shi-hoe:** Oh, hey!!  
**shi-hoe:** Looks like I can finally talk to all of you guys, lol.  
**sh(akira):** Long time no see  
**moon moon:** Yeah definitely! I don’t think I’ve been able to talk to you since you left Shujin.  
**shi-hoe:** Oh I almost forgot, I’ll need you guys to do intros since the only people in here I actually recognize the screen names of are Ann, Akira and Ryuji...  
**moon moon:** Oh, no problem!  
**moon moon:** This is Mishima.  
**shi-hoe:** Wait MISHIMA YOU’RE ACTUALLY IN HERE??  
**moon moon:** YEAH??  
**shi-hoe:** HI!!  
**moon moon:** HELLO!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** reunited at last  
**sh(akira):** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1uvmh75xxs>  
**ann (°◡°♡):** jNSHGF AKIRA  
**ann (°◡°♡):** sometimes i actually forget that you guys were pretty close friends lmao  
**shi-hoe:** Yeah, Mishima and I were both on the volleyball team.  
**moon moon:** Or as I used to call it, Kamoshida’s wild ride.  
**shi-hoe:** Oh god yeah I remember :/  
**shi-hoe:** We both had to put up with Kamoshida practically every day, so it was nice to have someone else to talk to about it.  
**shi-hoe:** Well, besides you of course Ann  <3  
**ann (°◡°♡):** <333 ❤❤❤ ♡♡♡  
**rat baby:** gayyyy  
**shi-hoe:** Oh, I don’t think I’ve met you either :0  
**shi-hoe:** Hello there!  
**rat baby:** hey! i’m futaba, but u don’t know me or anything  
**rat baby:** i never went to shujin cause i was still stuck at home  
**rat baby:** agoraphobia and all that,,,  
**shi-hoe:** Oh god that sounds awful.  
**shi-hoe:** I hope you’re doing better now though!  
**rat baby:** yeah i am ^^ these guys helped me a lot  
**Makoto Niijima:** It’s true, Futaba’s made some astounding leaps and bounds since we first met her.  
**rat baby:** aw, u flatter me  
**shi-hoe:** Oh hey, you’re student council president right?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, I am indeed.  
**shi-hoe:** Cool!  
**shi-hoe:** I saw you in the halls sometimes at Shujin but we never really talked, did we?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sorry about that, after the accident I wanted to reach out but…  
**shi-hoe:** Hey no sweat!  
**shi-hoe:** I’m just glad i can talk to all of you guys right now, even if it’s sorta long distance haha.  
**shi-hoe:** I see some other people online though, I don’t think I know you guys.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I am a student at Kosei, thus why we’ve never had the chance to meet.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** But it’s nice to finally have the pleasure of meeting the person that Ann has become so fond of.  
**shi-hoe:** Hahahah  
**shi-hoe:** Hey… hey Ann…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hello yes the love of my life  
**shi-hoe:** You’re gay.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** how  
**ann (°◡°♡):** DARE you  
**sh(akira):** I dunno that sounds like something a gay person would say  
**ann (°◡°♡):** :0  
**ann (°◡°♡):** :I  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well,  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Sorry for interrupting anything! I was AWOL for a moment since I was getting a snack.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I am back now, though. (^///^)o  
**sh(akira):** You weren’t interrupting anything, Ann was just being gay again  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ah I see, good to know I didn’t miss anything.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** WOW??  
**sh(akira):** Callout post  
**shi-hoe:** Oh hey! I think you’re the other person in here that I don’t know.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** You must be Shiho-san!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m Haru Okumura, as my screen name might suggest.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m also Mako-chan’s girlfriend :)  
**shi-hoe:** Mako… chan?  
**Makoto Niijima:** That’s.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Me...  
**shi-hoe:** Oh.  
**shi-hoe:** OHHHHHHH.  
**shi-hoe:** THAT’S A REALLY CUTE NICKNAME!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Thank you…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** aw she’s embarrassed  
**Makoto Niijima:** NO I’M NOT.  
**shi-hoe:** That’s alright lol, just look at my Skype name.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i still think that was my best idea to this day  
**shi-hoe:** Same here, it’s very fitting.  
**sh(akira):** Relatable  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It appears you’ve misspelled it, though.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nah it’s spelled correctly  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** …  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Are you absolutely sure?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Hm?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** <http://pm1.narvii.com/6402/225ee777d0997f79d56435395ad0212bc0a50a84_hq.jpg>  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Oh.  
**shi-hoe:** Wait, Is it really a joke if it’s true though?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CpRTfX2VMAEZZWZ.jpg>  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’m confused, is it or is it not a joke?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’m not sure anymore actually  
**ann (°◡°♡):** let’s settle for both  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I see.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Well… I don’t see, but I won’t argue.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s fair  
**shi-hoe:** Hey, this is a bit of a topic change but where’s Ryuji?  
**rat baby:** yeah akira where is your dingus boyfriend  
**sh(akira):** That’s a very good question  
**sh(akira):** He should be home by now so I’ll spam him in dm’s until he gets on here  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah cause that always works  
**sh(akira):** It does actually, I have it down to a system too  
**sh(akira):** Who wants to bet how many messages it’ll take for him to notice  
**rat baby:** uhhhh let’s go with 10  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll say 25  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Somewhere in the middle perhaps?  
**sh(akira):** Alright let’s find out  
**Makoto Niijima:** He might be busy.  
**Makoto Niijima:** You said he’d be on in a little bit, didn’t you?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah I did say that  
**sh(akira):** But it’s my job to annoy him, so  
**sh(akira):** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
**shi-hoe:** It’s also my job to annoy Ann, so I relate.  
**sh(akira):** Mlm/wlw solidarity  
**shi-hoe:** Hell yeah.  
**useless bisexual:** EXCUSE M  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well there he is  
**rat baby:** HEY DINGUS  
**useless bisexual:** WHO ARE U CALLIN DINGUS  
**sh(akira):** 17 messages, Yusuke was the closest  
**sh(akira):** Congration you done it  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Thank you.  
**useless bisexual:** he kept spammin me w/ the lyrics to deepthroat i wanna die  
**ann (°◡°♡):** fNSHGF G O D,  
**sh(akira):** I told you there was a system  
**useless bisexual:** MY MOM ALMOST CHECKED MY PHONE YOU ASS  
**useless bisexual:** ur fuckin lucky she didn’t  
**sh(akira):** Oh me?  
**useless bisexual:** yes you  
**sh(akira):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmOJm62IcAEEwDS.jpg:large>  
**useless bisexual:** <https://gflclan.com/uploads/monthly_2016_12/Pls_9f7196_6111600.jpg.06126699a1fcd27891ed785c77a63645.jpg>  
**useless bisexual:** STOP PLAYIN DUMB  
**useless bisexual:** DONT MAKE ME START THIS MEME WAR  
**sh(akira):** The meme war has already begun my friend  
**useless bisexual:** .  
**useless bisexual:** n  
**sh(akira):** Too late  
**sh(akira):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwAAljiVUAIkRTo.jpg>  
**rat baby:** that image sent my eyes to hell  
**sh(akira):** Good  
**shi-hoe:** I went downstairs for 2 seconds and I come back to this.  
**shi-hoe:** Does this happen a lot?  
**sh(akira):** Yeah at least once a week  
**useless bisexual:** WAIT,,,,  
**useless bisexual:** IS THAT,  
**shi-hoe:** :)  
**useless bisexual:** S H I H O  
**shi-hoe:** The one and only!  
**useless bisexual:** nice skype name dude  
**shi-hoe:** Thanks, it was Ann’s idea.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i had to do it to em  
**Makoto Niijima:** Can any of you go 5 seconds without using a meme or reference of some sort?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nah  
**sh(akira):** No  
**useless bisexual:** nope  
**Makoto Niijima:** Figures.  
**shi-hoe:** I can’t believe it took me this long to join this chat, jeez.  
**shi-hoe:** You guys are so much fun to talk to lol.  
**rat baby:** we try  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I don’t.  
**rat baby:** ok, some of us try  
**sh(akira):** I try  
**sh(akira):** Actually all my jokes are cries for help  
**rat baby:** oh relatable  
**ann (°◡°♡):** everything i do is a cry for help  
**shi-hoe:** What about the park date we had last week?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it was a cry for help because i love my girlfriend too much and i need to be arrested for it  
**shi-hoe:** >:0c  
**shi-hoe:** Scandalous……  
**useless bisexual:** i would call the gay police on u but id get arrested too so its not worth it  
**useless bisexual:** ur off the hook this time  
**Makoto Niijima:** Honestly everyone in this chat would get arrested.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Don’t blow our cover, Ryuji.  
**useless bisexual:** im TRYIN  
**useless bisexual:** hey this is off topic but does anyone kno what in the goddamn our literature homework is askin us to do  
**useless bisexual:** theyre talkin about some book i never remember us readin  
**Makoto Niijima:** Did you do the out-of-class reading?  
**useless bisexual:** …. ..,, ,,,  
**useless bisexual:** there was out of class readin  
**Makoto Niijima:** You can’t see or hear this, but I just gave a very disappointed sigh.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Anyway yes there was.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I can DM you the excerpts we were supposed to read, if you want.  
**useless bisexual:** can u dm me the answers???  
**Makoto Niijima:** … No.  
**useless bisexual:** :((  
**useless bisexual:** alright ill take what i can get  
**useless bisexual:** brb yall  
**Makoto Niijima:** Same here.

_useless bisexual is now away_

_Makoto Niijima is now away_

**sh(akira):** Homework is for noobs  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i still don’t get how or why you made the top 10 of our class  
**shi-hoe:** Oh, you made top 10?  
**sh(akira):** Yuppers  
**shi-hoe:** Congrats! My grades are still pretty average, haha.  
**sh(akira):** Grades are fake anyways, as Ryuji would put it  
**sh(akira):** But thank you  
**shi-hoe:** Speaking of which, I actually have a chemistry project due tomorrow that I totally forgot about til now :(  
**shi-hoe:** I’ll have to talk to you guys later! Hopefully really soon.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** don’t leave me here with these gay losers  
**rat baby:** look who’s talking  
**ann (°◡°♡):** >:(  
**shi-hoe:** You’ll survive  <3  
**shi-hoe:** After all you’re dating a gay loser.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** nO YOU’RE A GAY GODDESS  
**shi-hoe:** Hnhhshf

_shi-hoe is now offline_

**rat baby:** bye shiho !!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh, I never got to wish her a good night…  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she’ll be back online later, don’t worry  
**sh(akira):** Hey Ann I know I’ve told you this before but your girlfriend is pretty hilarious  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ISN’T SHE  
**ann (°◡°♡):** we all gotta meet up together sometime  
**sh(akira):** Agreed  
**sh(akira):** Hey… hey  
**sh(akira):** What about a triple date  
**sh(akira):** You + Shiho, me + Ryuji, and Makoto + Haru  
**ann (°◡°♡):** !!!!!!!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** That sounds like fun!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YEAH IT DOES  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s a date then  
**ann (°◡°♡):** …well not officially yet, but it’s gonna happen  
**sh(akira):** Hell yeah


	24. helpful advice from your local arms dealer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** its not my fault  
>  **useless bisexual:** he enables me
> 
> _sh(akira)’s nickname is now #1 Ryuji enabler_
> 
>  **useless bisexual:** OH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [slams chapter 24 on the table at light speed] HI GUYS I JUST BARELY MADE MY DEADLINE
> 
> this chapter was especially enjoyable to write (as you might be able to tell from the title) because i got to introduce yet another character into the fray! technically two characters... ah well, you get the idea. anyway happy tuesday everyone!!
> 
> only one announcement this chapter, and that's the news that i've finally opened up a two thieves on the moon [discord!](https://discord.gg/C94RxKh) this will be a place for me to post chapter wip's, other fics, art, and just chat with all you guys! feel free to drop by and say hi if you're interested (=^^=)
> 
> without further ado here's this week's Fresh Hot Chapter right off the presses

_November 24th 2016_  
_12:22 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** ARE YOU READY  
**ann (°◡°♡):** FOR TODAYY  
**useless bisexual:** we arent meetin up til like an hour from now calm down  
**ann (°◡°♡):** the day i calm down is the day i die  
**useless bisexual:** ok same  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I for one am really looking forward to today!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** see? haru gets me  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** (^▽^)  
**shi-hoe:** Hi losers!  
**shi-hoe:** (And Haru)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** hey why is haru the only one excluded from loser title  
**shi-hoe:** To quote Parks  & Rec, she’s an angel and we’re thrilled to have her here.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i honestly can’t argue with that  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I think you’re mistaking me for Makoto...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU  
**ann (°◡°♡):** plus makoto isn’t here (yet) so she doesn’t count  
**ann (°◡°♡):** accept our love  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** (′ ∨ ‵͈♡) Okay… ❤  
**shi-hoe:** Speaking of Makoto, where’s our motorcycle lesbian?  
**shi-hoe:** I hope she isn’t late to our meetup today.  
**useless bisexual:** usin “makoto” and “late” in the same sentence is pretty much a paradox  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah, she’s probably just getting ready and making sure everything goes alright  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you know how paranoid she gets about this kind of stuff. she’s probably staking out the date spot as we speak  
**shi-hoe:** You think so?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I’m sure she’s a bit nervous for our rendezvous today.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Once when a man catcalled us in Shibuya, she broke his pinkie and then continued the date as if nothing had happened.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** However she apologized to me later that night as she dropped me off at home because she was so embarrassed that I had to see her do that...  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** My guess is that she’s probably trying to avoid that sort of thing this time around.  
**shi-hoe:** Wow.  
**shi-hoe:** I’m sorry but that’s REALLY funny.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Yes it is quite hilarious, isn’t it?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I made sure to tell her that later on so she wasn’t as embarrassed by the whole affair, but still.  
**useless bisexual:** i dont feel sorry for that dude at all  
**useless bisexual:** but makoto is definitely terrifyin when she wants to be,,, which is most of the time honestly  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Well I think she’s cute (•‾⌣‾•)و ♡  
**useless bisexual:** thats because ur attracted to danger  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I… hm.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** JNDHF DID YOU JUST CALL OUT HARU  
**useless bisexual:** I DIDNT MEAN TO BUT IT JUST SORTA HAPPENED  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** … I think I understand now.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** UNDERSTAND WHAT  
**sh(akira):** Hey guys what’s going on in this thread  
**shi-hoe:** Homoeroticism.  
**sh(akira):** I see  
**useless bisexual:** things just got 50x more homoerotic now that ur here  
**sh(akira):** [Places chin in hands and raises eyebrows]  
**ann (°◡°♡):** alright i’m gonna stop you right there  
**ann (°◡°♡):** what’d i tell you about roleplaying in groupchat  
**sh(akira):** It’s not roleplaying it’s alternative storytelling  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wh  
**useless bisexual:** u heard him  
**ann (°◡°♡):** NO ROLEPLAYING IN GROUPCHAT  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ll ask makoto for admin privileges once she gets back just so i can kick both you guys  
**sh(akira):** You know I can just add myself back right  
**sh(akira):** I’m already an admin  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ssshhhhhh  
**shi-hoe:** Does this happen a lot?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** why do you think we have a rule against roleplaying  
**shi-hoe:** Ah.  
**useless bisexual:** its not my fault  
**useless bisexual:** he enables me

_sh(akira)’s nickname is now #1 Ryuji enabler_

**useless bisexual:** OH  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Hey  
**useless bisexual:** .  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i hate both you guys  
**ann (°◡°♡):** if there was a ban button on my keyboard i would have slammed that shit  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** You can’t ban the truth  
**shi-hoe:** Historically that’s actually really incorrect…  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Irrelevant  
**useless bisexual:** i dunno i kinda like the new name  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** ;)  
**useless bisexual:** :0c  
**ann (°◡°♡):** WELL LOOK WHO’S RETURNED  
**Makoto Niijima:** ?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, I’m here.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** please just backread and save me the trouble of explaining  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh, I missed my opportunity to compliment Haru…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** You can compliment me right now!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ok! I love you!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** :D  
**ann (°◡°♡):** I MEAN, THAT’S CUTE BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ah, I see now. Akira what did I tell you about roleplaying in chat?  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Who’s Akira  
**Makoto Niijima:** I wish you could see me disapprovingly folding my arms right now.  
**rat baby:** oh worm?  
**rat baby:** what’d i just walk into  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Today’s discourse  
**Makoto Niijima:** Please change your name back so we can tell who’s who, Akira.  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Ok but honestly tell me who else would have this name

_rat baby’s nickname is now #2 ryuji enabler_

**#2 ryuji enabler:** ME  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh god.  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** We’re multiplying

_ann (°◡°♡)’s nickname is now #3 ryuji enabler_

**#3 ryuji enabler:** that’s better  
**#2 ryuji enabler:** squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad  
**Makoto Niijima:** PLEASE… I’M SO CONFUSED.  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** It’s a defense mechanism  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** You can’t ban us because we’re all the same person  
**useless bisexual:** GUYS IM LOSIGN MY MIND;  
**#3 ryuji enabler:** squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad squad  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m half tempted to just log off right now.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** This is actually quite entertaining.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** For me, at least.  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’m glad this could prove to be a source of entertainment for you, Haru.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** (ﾟ⊿ﾟ)  
**Makoto Niijima:** That was sarcasm.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** （´＿｀)  
**useless bisexual:** i M choking on my powerad e  
**#2 ryuji enabler:** GOOD that stuff’s gross  
**useless bisexual:** NO ITS NOT  
**useless bisexual:** its better than the shit u drink at least,,  
**#2 ryuji enabler:** mountain dew is a real man’s drink  
**useless bisexual:** ur….. not a man tho  
**#2 ryuji enabler:** u don’t kno that  
**#2 ryuji enabler:** u don’t have to be a man to be manly  
**useless bisexual:** hm,  
**useless bisexual:** good point  
**Makoto Niijima:** Wait Ryuji can you actually tell everyone apart?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah that was futaba  
**Makoto Niijima:** How?  
**useless bisexual:** shes the only one that roasts me on my drink choice  
**useless bisexual:** or anything that petty actually  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Shouldn’t I be doing the roasting since I work in a coffee shop  
**useless bisexual:** EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  
**Makoto Niijima:** Ok I hate this.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Everyone except Haru is getting kicked if no names get changed back.  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** You don’t scare me  
**Makoto Niijima:** Oh don’t I?  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** ……..  
**#1 Ryuji enabler:** Alright yeah I’ll change back

_#1 Ryuji enabler’s nickname is now sh(akira)_

**#2 ryuji enabler:** alright fiiiine 

_#2 ryuji enabler’s nickname is now rat baby_

**Makoto Niijima:** Ann.  
**#3 ryuji enabler:** what  
**Makoto Niijima:** Are you going to change back?  
**#3 ryuji enabler:** i wanna say no just because of my disrespect for authority  
**#3 ryuji enabler:** but it’s not as much fun anymore so yeah i’ll change back 

_#3 ryuji enabler’s nickname is now ann (°◡°♡)_

**ann (°◡°♡):** better?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Yes, thank you.  
**shi-hoe:** Hey not to interrupt your guys’ weird rituals, but I think it’s almost time for us to meet up.  
**useless bisexual:** OH jeez i wasnt even lookin at the time  
**ann (°◡°♡):** shit neither was i  
**ann (°◡°♡):** good catch! i’m headed there right now  
**useless bisexual:** same here  
**sh(akira):** See you guys in Harajuku in like 30 minutes  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sure thing.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** See you all soon! 

\---

"And that’s how we almost got arrested on our first date,” Makoto punctuated her sentence by placing her used napkin down on the empty plate in front of her. 

“Damn our first date was borin’ as hell compared to that,” Ryuji admitted, gesturing to both he and Akira. “We just stayed over at my place and played video games til like 3 in the morning.” 

Akira laughed at the warm memory of he and Ryuji’s first date. He remembered it being informal and sort of spontaneous, but still one of the more enjoyable nights of his life. He bumped shoulders with Ryuji as the memory faded in his mind. “It was alright,” he said nonchalantly, humor showing through his eyes. 

The six of them were seated at a small, somewhat fancy café not far from the outskirts of Harajuku; Ann and Ryuji already being weighed down by the bags they’d obtained as a result of a recent shopping spree that afternoon. 

Akira had been trying to keep as low of a profile as possible since he’d left Leblanc this morning, but truth be told it was pretty difficult. The gray hoodie he’d pulled over his recognizably messy hair was doing few favors to hide his face at all... but he couldn’t really bring himself to care that much. The triple date was going surprisingly well so far. 

Haru giggled slightly as she waved her hand. “Honestly that was the only unexpected part of the date. Everything before that was absolutely perfect, though!” She then placed her hand on Makoto’s, her expression clouding a bit. “You really beat yourself up too much about that, you know... I meant it when I said I loved it.” 

Makoto just sighed, leaning back in the elegant chair of the café they had stopped to eat lunch at. “I know, I know… it just still bugs me. He threatened to have us arrested, after all.” 

Akira coughed a bit, choking a little on his tea. “Whoa wait, _you_? Your dad was a cop and you almost got yourself arrested on a date?” 

“... You know that just because I’m related to an authority figure doesn’t mean I’m exempt from the law, right?” 

“Well that sucks.” 

Makoto just huffed in response. She offered to gather everyone’s trash so she could throw it away, leaving the table for a short moment. Haru took this chance to turn excitedly to their group. 

“Alright… so don’t tell Mako-chan any of this, but I got her a surprise while we were shopping earlier.” 

All eyes and ears were suddenly on her with rapt attention. Shiho in particular perked up, chirping excitedly. “Oh my god, oh my god, what’d you get her?” 

Haru grinned and quickly took a small, ornate box out of her coat pocket. She opened it to reveal a silver ring with a beautiful, tiny blue sapphire mounted on top of it. “It’s a promise ring,” she explained. “We’ve been talking about getting one for each other for a little while now, but I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to finally go out and purchase one for her!” Haru’s normally soft voice was uncharacteristically filled with excitement. 

“Haru that’s _gorgeous_ ,” Ann exclaimed, looking at the tiny blue stone with wide eyes. “You didn’t spend a fortune on that, did you?” 

Haru just cocked an eyebrow. “Your definition of a fortune or my definition of a fortune?” 

Before anybody could respond to that, Akira noticed Makoto coming back and gestured for everyone to sit down. Makoto sat down in her seat, seemingly unaware of what had just happened. “What were you guys talking about?” 

“NOTHING!” Ann and Ryuji yelled simultaneously, drawing a couple curious gazes from the people seated around them. 

Makoto’s eyes narrowed but she said nothing, sipping on her iced coffee. “Alright well, If you’re all done here we can go window shopping some more.” 

Shiho shot up out of her seat a little too quickly. “Y-yeah, sure! There was a shop further ahead that I wanted to check out anyway, Ann I’m sure you’ll love it. How about it?” 

They all agreed to window shop a little more, starting with the boutique that Shiho had mentioned earlier. 

As they all walked down the street in (very literal) gay camaraderie, Akira noticed a familiar junior high uniform out of the corner of his eye. Before he could do anything about it, he heard the familiar accompanying voice: “Hey wait, Akira!” 

Akira froze in his tracks, causing Ryuji to stumble a bit as they were hand-in hand. “W-whoa, hey what gives? You alright?” 

Akira gave a quick affirming nod. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” Ryuji didn’t look so sure, but Akira just continued. “Uh, hey so do you mind if I meet you guys down at the shop? I just saw a friend back there and wanted to say hi, I’ll only be a couple seconds.” 

His boyfriend hummed for a second, but eventually nodded. “Okay yeah, just don’t be too long alright? I don’t want Ann n’ Shiho to drag us off somewhere and end up leavin’ you behind.” 

Akira snorted, “Yeah right, if anything I’m more worried about you getting distracted by a dog and running off or something.” 

That earned him a not-so-gentle punch in the shoulder as Ryuji huffed in an ‘I really don’t wanna admit that I’d do something like that, but I would,’ way. 

As the blond jogged ahead, Akira turned to greet Kaoru who was as bright eyed and bushy tailed as ever. The junior high student seemed overjoyed to see him after so long without hearing from the older boy. 

“It’s been forever since I’ve seen you!” Kaoru exclaimed, having to adjust his thin-framed glasses as he caught up to Akira. “So, why haven’t you been around the shop lately?” 

Akira fumbled his words a bit. “Ah, well,” 

How exactly do you explain to someone that you’re essentially dead to the world and the government is on your ass every minute of every day? 

“Y’know. Work.” 

Yeeeaaahhh _really_ believable. 

Apparently that excuse was good enough for Kaoru as he made a disappointed noise and shook his head slightly. “Oh yeah, I forgot you work like 3 part time jobs… my bad.” 

“No sweat,” (Akira was certainly sweating). “I’ll drop in a soon as I can though, I’m sure Iwai’s doing fine without me.” 

“Now whoever said that?” A gruff voice called out from behind Kaoru. 

Oh. 

A silhouette wearing a familiarly ragged coat turned the corner of a small shop, and Akira was greeted face to face with Iwai Munehisa himself... who was actually out in broad daylight for once? 

“So I heard you’re brushin’ off your duties at the shop, huh?” Iwai scratched behind his head as he sauntered up to the two of them. “I mean granted, I’m not payin’ you or nothin’ but still. A deal’s a deal.” 

Akira tried his best to laugh, “Do you really think I’d try and shirk my duties at that shop and come out of it alive? Yeah, no.” 

Iwai snorted at his response. “Well you’re still alive anyway, so I figure you’ll come back eventually.” He clapped Kaoru on the back suddenly, “Hey Kaoru, you go on ahead alright? I’ll catch up in a bit, I just wanna talk with Akira for a sec.” 

Kaoru gave him an unsure look for a moment, but trotted ahead anyway. “Bye Akira! See you later hopefully,” Akira waved as Kaoru turned the corner and left both of them to their business. 

Akira turned back around and glanced up at Iwai questioningly. “So... do you wanna tell me why you’re in Harajuku of all places? And during the day no less? I was starting to think you were nocturnal or something.” 

The older man just glowered slightly at him. “I have a life outside of work and illegal activities, y’know.” 

“Do you?” Akira raised an eyebrow. 

“Shuddup,” Iwai scoffed. “ I was meeting a client here and I figured I’d take Kaoru shopping while I was at it. Happy?” 

Akira nodded. “Alright, I believe you.” 

“I don’t gotta explain myself to you.” Iwai folded his arms in a disappointed, vaguely dad-like manner. “I was just about to go askin’ around for you anyways. Had me worried sick this past week.” 

“Why’s that?” Akira asked. 

Iwai rolled his eyes, “You know what I’m talkin’ about. Seems like you n’ your little gang got into some trouble recently, am I wrong?” 

“Not… exactly. But yeah, that sounds about right,” Akira admitted hesitantly. “I’m okay though, no need to worry. That would’ve been one less accomplice on your end anyways.” 

The older man’s eyebrows furrowed. “S’ that really what you think? It was all over the news kid, I’m surprised you made it outta there alive.” He glanced briefly at the scrapes and bruises still decorating Akira’s face. “... Just from lookin’ at yourself it seems like you might’ve been surprised to make it out alive too.” 

Akira said nothing. 

The surly man in front of him just gave an exasperated sigh. “Alright, listen. I’m glad you’re alright but don’t go pullin’ any shit like that again, kay? One of these days it’s gonna end up gettin’ you killed.” 

“Didn’t know you cared so much,” Akira huffed a tiny laugh. 

“Didn’t know you cared so little,” Iwai retorted. “Anyway stay safe out there. Sorry for talkin’ your ear off, but honestly you deserve it.” 

Akira couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t be,” he reassured. “I gotta to go back to my friends now, but it was nice talking with you and Kaoru.” 

“Same here,” Iwai gave him a small salute as Akira headed in the opposite direction. “Stay outta trouble you lil’ shit.” 

Akira just gave him a wave as he raced back towards the boutique Shiho had pointed out earlier. 

\---

The charmingly high-pitched bell of the shop’s entrance rang out as Akira stepped inside. The others all turned towards the noise as Ryuji jogged up to his boyfriend. 

“Dude, you said just a few seconds, what took you so long?” 

Akira chuckled, “Sorry, I just kinda lost track of time. Anyway, did you find anything good?” 

“Nah, we were just about to move on to the next shop. I saw this one sorta cool thing that you might like though…” 

Akira listened intently as Ryuji pointed out an array of strange trinkets to him (including an enamel pin that looked just like a tiny top hat, which Akira adored and actually ended up buying and wearing out of the store) until they eventually left the shop. 

Iwai’s words still echoed around in his thoughts, ringing out in his head. Did Akira really care that little? 

Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t even _care_ that he didn’t care. One thing Akira Kurusu never liked to dwell on was the past, that was his absolute rule. One he tried never to break, if at all possible. 

He fiddled with his new pin as he watched Ann, Shiho, Makoto and Haru all excitedly chattering about what they’d bought each other. Akira noticed a glinting light reflecting off of Makoto’s ring finger... the delicate silver ring from earlier was settled perfectly on her hand, reflecting the sheen of the tiny sapphire embedded on top of it. 

Akira smiled as Ryuji tugged him forward excitedly, laughing at something Shiho had just said. 

Maybe he could learn to care. Just a little bit. 

… Maybe. For them. 


	25. ratatouille the squeakuel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** THE YELLOW POWER RANGER ISNT REAL  
>  **rat baby:** YES SHE IS !!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [apologizes for my lateness for the 5 billionth time]
> 
> honestly i don't even know why i have deadlines when i never actually _fuckin meet them_
> 
> BUT REGARDLESS happy late thanksgiving to those who celebrate it! mine was pretty great, but i know i don't speak for everyone so hopefully if you had a sub-par turkey day then this chapter will cheer you up a bit ^^ 
> 
> there's really nothing much to announce this chapter either. the ttotm discord is still open and super active, so if anyone still wants to join then it's never too late! 
> 
> i hope u guys are having a fantastic weekend/thanksgiving break!!

_November 25th 2016_  
_1:05 pm_

**rat baby:** soooo how’d your guys’ big gay date go  
**rat baby:** since i wasn’t INVITED,  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I wasn’t able to go either, you know.  
**rat baby:** well yeah but u don’t really do dates  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Maybe not romantic ones. But I do enjoy going out with friends every once in awhile just like anyone else.  
**rat baby:** was that a jab at me???  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No...?  
**rat baby:** well whatever  
**rat baby:** welcome to the lonely hearts club, population two  
**moon moon:** Population three!!  
**rat baby:** POPULATION THREE HI MISHIMA  
**rat baby:** jeez you guys are like never active in here, let alone at the same time  
**rat baby:** is this some kind of omen  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No, I just ran out of pages in my sketchbook and can’t afford a new one.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Plus I don’t have class today.  
**moon moon:** Same except for the sketchbook part. The Phansite’s been kinda slow lately so I had time to check and backread chat.  
**rat baby:** huh  
**rat baby:** well anyway hey to both of u welcome back to the land of the living  
**moon moon:** Thanks!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** It makes sense that you’re the most active one in here since you don’t attend school, Futaba.  
**rat baby:** true, but i told akira i was gonna go next year!!  
**rat baby:** it’s boring when u guys are offline anyways,,  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I apologize for getting an education.  
**rat baby:** u kno ur sarcasm really isn’t appreciated sometimes  
**useless bisexual:** SOMEONE SAID DATE  
**rat baby:** I DID  
**rat baby:** so how was it  
**sh(akira):** Gay  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** As it should be.  
**sh(akira):** Indeed  
**useless bisexual:** yeah we just went window shoppin and had lunch at this tiny cafe thingy  
**useless bisexual:** it was pretty nice actually  
**sh(akira):** Pretty gay  
**useless bisexual:** that too  
**rat baby:** i’m still mad u guys didn’t invite me  
**useless bisexual:** we couldnt??  
**useless bisexual:** it was a date date  
**useless bisexual:** like.. …… for ppl who are datin  
**rat baby:** FRIENDS CAN DATE  
**useless bisexual:** I MEAN YEAH THEY CAN but theyre still datin like romantically n junk  
**useless bisexual:** ur not datin anyone futaba  
**rat baby:** does the yellow power ranger count  
**useless bisexual:** no wh  
**useless bisexual:** why the hell would the yellow power ranger count  
**rat baby:** because we’re dating  
**useless bisexual:** THE YELLOW POWER RANGER ISNT REAL  
**rat baby:** YES SHE IS !!!!!!  
**Makoto Niijima:** Alright, what am I missing here?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Futaba is trying to convince Ryuji that she’s dating the yellow power ranger.  
**moon moon:** Wait, are you telling me she’s not dating the yellow power ranger?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Futaba you aren’t dating the yellow power ranger.  
**rat baby:** YES I AM we got engaged last spring  
**moon moon:** Oh, congrats!  
**rat baby:** thank u  
**useless bisexual:** i still dont believe u but congratulations on the engagement  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ah, who got engaged?  
**Makoto Niijima:** Nobody.  
**rat baby:** me!!!!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Did you truly get engaged, Futaba?  
**rat baby:** …… yes,  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I sincerely doubt any of us would actually become engaged before age 20, realistically speaking.  
**sh(akira):** False, Ryuji and I are already married  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Ah.  
**rat baby:** WHY DIDN’T U INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING  
**useless bisexual:** we didnt have one  
**useless bisexual:** we got married by one of akiras friends from shinjuku who owns a bar  
**useless bisexual:** and who is also,,,,,, ordained for some reason??? believe it or not  
**moon moon:** Wait. You…  
**moon moon:** … Actually got married?  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah I probably should have mentioned that earlier  
**sh(akira):** It’s not official in the church or anything, but technically it’s official in legality  
**moon moon:** How exactly…?  
**sh(akira):** Women can get married at age 16 in Japan, but men can’t get married until age 18 for some weird reason  
**sh(akira):** So we bent the rules a little bit  
**sh(akira):** But for lack of a better term, yes we’re (technically) officially married  
**Makoto Niijima:** Okay Wait.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Hold on.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Don’t tell me.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Akira Kurusu did you actually ask Lala Escargot herself, the extremely successful and apparently ordained (?) owner of the Crossroads bar, to marry you to someone you’ve known for less than a year.  
**Makoto Niijima:** On an impulse no less.  
**sh(akira):** ,  
**sh(akira):** No  
**sh(akira):** Well actually, maybe  
**sh(akira):** Uh  
**sh(akira):** Which answer will kill me less  
**Makoto Niijima:** None of them because you aren’t giving me a straight answer.  
**sh(akira):** I know, I’m giving you a bisexual answer I thought you knew this  
**Makoto Niijima:** AKIRA JAMES KURUSU ANSWER MY QUESTION.

_sh(akira) is now offline_

**useless bisexual:** BABE COME BA CK  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** … His middle name is James?  
**rat baby:** WHY DOES HE HAVE A MIDDLE NAME IF HE’S JAPANESE

\---

_November 25th 2016_  
_3:10 pm_

_You have (3) notifications from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** WHY DIDNT U TELL ME THAT U HAD A MIDDLE NAME  
**useless bisexual:** ALSO WHY DID MAKOTO KNOW BEFORE ME THATS REALLY WEIRD  
**useless bisexual:** I THOUGHT WE WERE MARRIED HOW COULD U

\---

**1 week later**

\---

Akira and the rest of the group turned another gilded corner to find themselves in an almost identical hallway to the one they had just exited from. This was an absolute nightmare.

It was the Phantom Thieves’ first exploration of Masayoshi Shido’s (unnecessarily complicated) palace, and it wasn’t going too hot. So far, even with the help of Futaba’s navigation abilities and Makoto’s uncannily good sense of direction, they’d _still_ managed to get themselves even further tangled into the patchwork that was this enormous, cognitive cruiseship. Great. Just fantastic.

Suddenly Haru turned sharply to the right of them, indicating that she’d sensed something. “I think there’s a safe room up ahead!” She called out. 

Well, that was the first thing to go right today at least.

It turned out that Haru’s intuition was correct when the enormous wooden doors smoothly gave way to Akira’s slight push of a hand. Futaba, Makoto, Haru and Ryuji all got comfortable while Ann and Yusuke were on inventory duty.

“I still don’t understand how and why we ended up with the two most forgetful people doing inventory at the same time,” Ann remarked. “Seriously, I don’t even know where or when we got half of this junk.”

“Does it even matter?” Ryuji snorted. “Also it ain’t junk, we wouldn’t have it if it was.”

Akira took this opportunity to abruptly lay sprawled out face down on the floor, saying nothing.

Ryuji stared at his boyfriend laid out across the gaudy carpet of the safe room. “You alright there babe?” he asked.

Akira made an affirmative noise into the floor, turning his head sideways to speak. “Heels. Running. Ouch.”

“Oh yeah... I keep forgetting Joker’s thief outfit has, like, 4 inch heels,” Ann said. “Not even _my_ outfit is that painful to wear, and I have probably the most inconveniently placed zipper in the history of zippers.”

Everyone winced slightly as they remembered exactly what Ann was talking about.

“At least this isn’t like Kamoshida’s palace,” Akira said, still muffled slightly by the plush carpet. “That was way back when I first got this outfit. I seriously can’t tell you how many times I rolled an ankle trying to run from enemies.”

Morgana nodded. “It’s true,” he remarked, grooming himself on top of a large bed situated in the corner of the room. “I hope you’re thankful, because I was the only one with healing spells back then. If it weren’t for me you probably wouldn’t even have ankles anymore.” he punctuated his sentence with a flick of his tail.

Futaba plopped down on the bed next to Morgana and situated him into her lap. “Thank you Monaaaa!” she said as she scratched his head excessively.

“H-hey, stop it! You weren’t even a Phantom Thief yet when all that stuff happened!”

Suddenly Futaba bolted up, looking like she’d just remembered something. “Hey, that reminds me! Akira, you still haven’t told us why you have a middle name yet.” 

“And why that name is ‘James’ of all things…” Yusuke muttered, still baffled by the foreign sounding name.

Makoto just looked puzzledly at Futaba. “How did a conversation about wardrobe malfunctions remind you of Akira’s middle name? That’s quite a jump.”

“What can I say? My mind works in _mysterious ways_ ,” she said, wiggling her fingers for extra effect.

Akira just groaned and rolled over, now laying on his back. There was a faint, reddish imprint of the carpet’s texture against his right cheek.

Ryuji snorted. “You got a little, uh, somethin’ on your face there leader.”

Akira flipped him the bird halfheartedly as Ryuji laughed at him again. “If you wanna ask anyone about my weird name, ask my mom,” Akira retorted bitterly. “She gave it to me for a really dumb reason too. You wanna know why?”

The room was silent as they waited for Akira to answer his own question.

“Because she thought my eyes looked exactly like the eyes of that one actor who played Harry Potter.”

Nobody moved or said anything.

... Except Haru.

“Well I think you’re a lot more attractive than Daniel Radcliffe,” she noted bluntly.

The whole room burst into uncontrollable hysterics.

Ryuji was practically on the floor as he cackled and shook with laughter. “ _That’s_ what you didn’t want all of us to know?! Dude that’s perfect, I can totally see it now too!”

Akira huffed and turned over again, pushing his face back into the carpet and making a series of noises that vaguely sounded like words.

“Pffffhaha-- sorry what- _heh_ \- what was that?” Futaba asked as she wiped tears of pure unadulterated mockery from her eyes.

Akira quickly pushed himself to sit upright, “ _I_ can’t see it, though! He has blue eyes, not grey ones!” Akira gestured frantically with his hands. “It’s been almost 17 years and I still have no idea why I’m named after a fictional character.”

“Fictional character namesakes are getting to be quite popular nowadays,” Yusuke chimed in after he’d caught his breath. “If I recall correctly, there are several people both inside and outside of Japan with the name ‘Naruto.’”

“You’re shitting me,” Ann said with disbelief.

“Absolutely not,” Yusuke responded.

Without saying anything, Futaba immediately brought up a holographic screen with her Phantom Thief suit and did a search of how many people in Japan had the first name Naruto. Everyone crowded eagerly around her.

“1,630 people it says… according to the last census, anyway,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Holy shit,” Ryuji whispered. “I’m namin’ my kid Inuyasha then.” 

“You mean _we’re_ naming _our_ kid Inuyasha,” Akira corrected.

Makoto shook her head, “Your kid is going to get so bullied.”

“Not on my watch they ain’t,” Ryuji huffed. “I ain’t afraid to punch someone else’s snot-nosed kid or two. It’d probably teach em a lesson they wouldn’t learn otherwise.”

“That’s... probably not a good thing you know,” Haru spoke hesitantly.

Ryuji blinked. 

“Yeah, uh actually you’re right Haru,” he said, clearing his throat. “Nevermind.” Ryuji’s tone sounded clipped, like he was trying to hide something. 

Akira scooted to sit next to Ryuji and flopped his whole body across his boyfriend’s legs, effectively interrupting the train of thought he was losing himself in again. 

Sometimes it was easy to forget what Ryuji had told the rest of them about his father, or where his anger problems originally stemmed from... the trouble he’d gone through as a kid so many years ago. It stuck with him. Akira knew that sometimes Ryuji wanted to do nothing _but_ forget, yet it would always come back up to the surface somehow. Not as much as it used to thankfully, but still.

Akira still remembered when their relationship was still fairly new, when they were both still figuring things out. He remembered the late nights where he and Ryuji would sit with their backs against his bedframe and just talk. He remembered Ryuji speaking to him with an absent tone in his voice; almost as if he were talking to Akira, but he wasn’t actually there _physically_ talking to Akira. 

It was a strange thing to witness from someone who was normally so full of life.

Akira decidedly pushed that train of thought out of his mind as well, since it wasn’t doing anyone any favors. He felt Ryuji begin to comb a reassuring hand through his hair as they both sat there, the idle chatter of their friends filling the silence they’d created.

Ann suddenly spoke up, narrowing her eyes at Makoto. “Wait… how the hell do you know who that lady that Ryuji mentioned earlier was? I’ve never met her before and I know practically everyone that Akira knows.”

Ryuji snapped his fingers, “Yeah, hey! We never introduced you to her, I didn’t even know you hung out in Shinjuku at all. You don’t really seem like the type, honestly.”

Makoto cleared her throat. “Well,” she began, “Before Haru and I started dating, there was a girl who I saw sometimes who worked at a maid cafe in Shinjuku. She eventually became a waitress at Crossroads after we started seeing each other,” she trailed off awkwardly, risking a glance at Haru.

Haru just blinked. “You think I would be upset that you dated anyone before me?” 

“No, no!” Makoto waved her hands, “It’s just… ah, awkward to talk about. I helped her break up with her abusive boyfriend and she kind of used me as a rebound. I figured it out fairly soon after we started seeing each other, but I didn’t really do anything about it. I didn’t really _want_ to do anything about it, actually.”

“Ouch,” Ann winced in sympathy. “That really sucks Makoto, but I understand what you mean.”

Makoto just shook her head. “It’s fine, it’s water under the bridge now,” she stated honestly. “I’m much better off currently, both relationship-wise and mentally,” she smiled subtly at Haru, who returned her smile.

“Modern romance,” Yusuke said wistfully.

“You don’t even know anything about romance Inari, you’re aro,” Futaba said with exasperation.

“I don’t,” Yusuke admitted. “However, I find romance fascinating. I’ve tried doing paintings inspired by the concept of romance, but they never look right... it is quite an elusive subject indeed.”

“You mean like the time you dragged me out to Inokashira Park and almost got us murdered by that one lady’s brother?” Akira deadpanned, his head in Ryuji’s lap.

Yusuke nodded. “That was quite an eventful day if I recall.”

“Yeah, if “eventful” means we got kicked out of a public park for acting too gay.”

“Did you really?” Haru asked with wide eyes.

“No,” Akira said. “But we did get escorted out for disturbing the peace. Those people we accidentally upset just thought we were gay.”

Ann hummed. “Well, I mean you are, just not for each other. So they were technically right.”

“You don’t know that,” Akira said, winking at Yusuke.

Yusuke fiddled with the tail on his thief’s outfit, “Akira you’re very attractive and I’m very flattered, but I’m not sure if Ryuji would approve of that.”

“Aww, you think I’m attractive?”

Ryuji flicked Akira on the ear. “You’re literally layin’ in my lap while flirtin’ with another dude across the room you fuckin’ dweeb.” 

Akira just stuck his tongue out at him. “You’re no fun.”

“You’re both gross!” Futaba Yelled, using her hands as a microphone.

Makoto stood, interrupting the flirting circle that Akira had created (which was honestly just Akira flirting at Yusuke while Ryuji watched the whole thing and didn’t do anything about it).

“Alright well I think it’s about time we get going, we’ve gotten plenty of rest. How is our inventory looking?”

Ann signaled an ‘ok’ sign and stood up alongside Makoto. “We’re all good, looks like everything’s in order to me.”

After Futaba marked the safe room on their map of the palace, Makoto took the lead and let Akira travel behind, making it easier on his feet.

“I can still carry you! I told you I’ve been workin’ out,” Ryuji grinned as he kept pace with Akira.

Akira just snorted. “Just wait til’ we get to one of the areas where we turn into mice. If you put me on your head I can steer you around by the hair like that one scene from Ratatouille.”

“... So, you mean basically the whole movie then?”

“Sure, we can reenact it.”

Makoto turned around and fixed them with her best ‘ _don’t make me turn this car around_ ’ look. “I’m not sure what you guys are scheming back there, but the answer is no,” she said firmly.


	26. dawn of the final day (24 hours remain)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **useless bisexual:** remind me why im datin u again  
>  **sh(akira):** Because of my feet  
>  **useless bisexual:** NO!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to everyone who thought this fic was dead for 11 months (because it was) THIS ONE GOES OUT TO YOU
> 
> hi everyone it's been A Time. i got a car. i got accepted into college. things are good. and also TTOTM IS OFF HIATUS YEAHHH BAPBEYYYYYY (with a bonus double update!)
> 
> i would apologize for forcibly inducing this fic into a nearly year long coma, but fuck apologies i'm busy!!!!! also creative burnout is Real and Bad and extremely hard to come out of gldkfjh .... so there's the short version. anyway, this is the final not-angsty chapter before we go into climax territory so hold onto your wigs. next chapter is a glass case of emotions so savor this one while you can
> 
> WARNING: this chapter also contains toes. you have been warned

_December 1st 2016_  
_12:00 am_

**rat baby:** MERRYYYYY CHRISTMAAASSSSS !!!!!!!  
**sh(akira):** Did you seriously wait until midnight on December 1st just to say that  
**rat baby:** YES  
**sh(akira):** Go to bed  
**rat baby:** NO  
**rat baby:** wait don’t u have school tomorrow  
**sh(akira):** Yeah tomorrow’s Thursday, why wouldn’t I have school  
**rat baby:** so why the heck are u awake??  
**sh(akira):** Good question maybe you should ask yourself that  
**rat baby:** i don’t go to school dingus !!  
**rat baby:** anyway i wasn’t expecting anyone to be online, i just wanted to say it so u guys would see it when u woke up  
**sh(akira):** I just got to see a sneak peek of your morning shitposting  
**rat baby:** that implies that my morning shitposting is any different from my regular shitposting  
**sh(akira):** Damn…. you’re right  
**rat baby:** anyway go to bed  
**sh(akira):** Morgana already tells me that enough honestly, I don’t need to start hearing it from you too  
**sh(akira):** Also shouldn’t I be telling you to go to bed since technically I’m older?  
**rat baby:** THAT DOESN’T MATTER  
**rat baby:** plus we’ve been over this, i don’t sleep like.. … ever  
**sh(akira):** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CvLRsg0UMAA0zGx.jpg>  
**rat baby:** how dare u doubt me on this, the first day of christmas,  
**sh(akira):** Christmas isn’t for another 24 days  
**rat baby:** just let me be excited you grinchy bitch  
**sh(akira):** Alright, if I promise to go to bed do you promise to go to bed?  
**rat baby:** <https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CvLRsg0UMAA0zGx.jpg>  
**sh(akira):** Hey you know that using the same meme twice is illegal  
**rat baby:** i’m above the law  
**sh(akira):** Those are the rules, I can’t change them  
**sh(akira):** Now I have to send you to deep web jail  
**rat baby:** i live in deep web jail  
**sh(akira):** Get ready for solitary confinement then motherfucker  
**Makoto Niijima:** WILL YOU PLEASE STOP MESSAGING EACH OTHER IT’S 12:30 AND MY PHONE WON’T QUIT BUZZING  
**sh(akira):** Ah  
**rat baby:** sorry i can’t, i’m in jail  
**rat baby:** this is my one phone call  
**sh(akira):** But we aren’t even calling  
**rat baby:** this is my one message via. carrier pigeon  
**sh(akira):** Oh cool, deep web jail has carrier pigeons?  
**rat baby:** yeah it’s great here  
**rat baby:** oh shit i forgot we were supposed to shut up  
**rat baby:** SORRY MAKOTO

\---

_December 9th 2016_  
_4:22 pm_

**ann (°◡°♡):** hey have i ever mentioned how glad i am that this is our last palace because it suuuucks?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** No, but I completely agree.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Mice...? Really?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i’ve never heard you sound so genuinely upset over text and i love it  
**ann (°◡°♡):** but yeah no this is almost as bad as your dad’s palace  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Indeed.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Not quite as tedious and horrible, but getting there.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I actually quite enjoy being mice.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** why, because you’re weird?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I think it’s very enlightening to see things from such a small perspective.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Plus, I look adorable.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** You do!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can’t argue there, but i still think it’s weird and pointless and i hate it  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** To each their own.  
**Makoto Niijima:** All I remember during the last time we turned into mice was you making endless mouse puns and for that I will never forgive you.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** ouch  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I apologize for nothing.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I liked the mouse puns! Even if they were a bit cheesy.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Was...  
**Makoto Niijima:** Was that a mouse pun?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** (˃ᴗ ᵒ) ✩  
**Makoto Niijima:** I can’t believe you.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haru: 1, makoto: 0  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Actually it’s closer to Haru: 12,463, Makoto: 0  
**ann (°◡°♡):** true  
**Makoto Niijima:** Damn it.  
**useless bisexual:** hey are we talkin about shidos palace  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah we were

_useless bisexual renamed the conversation to shido masayoshi retire bitch_

**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Wow.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** mood  
**useless bisexual:** he looks like bootleg pitbull i hate him  
**useless bisexual:** mr. clean lookin ass…..  
**ann (°◡°♡):** JNSNFHJ  
**ann (°◡°♡):** are we just listing off bald people now  
**useless bisexual:** pretty much  
**ann (°◡°♡):** he looks like a more professional, middle aged version of jackson galaxy  
**useless bisexual:** HEY you keep him out of this  
**useless bisexual:** jackson galaxy would never do this to us  
**ann (°◡°♡):** shit you’re right…...  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i can’t believe i spoke the lord’s name in vain  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Repent before the feline messiah.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** well i mean,, he’s not a cat he just likes cats  
**useless bisexual:** u dont kno that  
**useless bisexual:** motherfucker could be a shapeshifter  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Or a furry.  
**useless bisexual:** yeah that  
**useless bisexual:** WAIT yusuke u… actually kno.. what a furry is??  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I’ve known for some time, but yes.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I found out fairly early after you all started making jabs at my Phantom Thief outfit.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oof.. … yeah sorry about that  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** No need to apologize, I’ll admit they’re somewhat accurate.  
**useless bisexual:** jdnbhbs  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Besides Ann, wouldn’t your suit be classified as what’s known as a “fursuit” as well?  
**useless bisexual:** KSJDHFB  
**ann (°◡°♡):** N O,  
**ann (°◡°♡):** my suit is a classy femme fatale-esque bodysuit with catlike features  
**ann (°◡°♡):** so it’s NOT a fursuit  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** …  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I see.  
**useless bisexual:** man i can taste the salt of those 2 messages thru my phone  
**ann (°◡°♡):** same  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yusuke you’re like the bluntest person i know, if you’ve got something to say just say it  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I just feel like this is a double standard, is all.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Are we really arguing about this?  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** apparently  
**useless bisexual:** yep  
**Makoto Niijima:** (-____-)  
**ann (°◡°♡):** wow i think that’s the first time i’ve seen you use an emoticon!!!!  
**useless bisexual:** CONGRATS MAKOTO  
**Makoto Niijima:** I’ve used them before, this isn’t a milestone!  
**useless bisexual:** have u tho?  
**Makoto Niijima:** I mean… probably.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** A couple times if I recall, but never in group chat.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** haru’s got those receipts  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Indeed!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** lmao  
**ann (°◡°♡):** watch out makoto, i think your girlfriend is gonna steal your future detective job  
**Makoto Niijima:** I want to be a prosecutor, not a detective.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** oh whoops  
**Makoto Niijima:** But if Haru became a detective we’d be the most unstoppable crime-fighting duo in Japan’s police force.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Most likely.  
**useless bisexual:** nah u definitely would  
**useless bisexual:** my inner hooligan is shakin in his boots  
**ann (°◡°♡):** your inner and outer hooligan are the same thing  
**useless bisexual:** im not sayin ur wrong but im not sayin ur right either  
**ann (°◡°♡):** it’s okay i already know that i’m right  
**rat baby:** savage  
**ann (°◡°♡):** futaba were you seriously here the whole time just reading our messages and not saying anything  
**rat baby:** yeah im actually always lurking on chat i just dont always feel like talking  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s understandable  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Oh hello Futaba! I feel like we’re never online at the same time anymore.  
**rat baby:** ME NEITHER I MISS U HARU  
**ann (°◡°♡):** i always miss haru  
**useless bisexual:** me too  
**useless bisexual:** i mean i see her at school every day but still  
**useless bisexual:** thats how much i miss haru  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I miss all of you too!  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Well, at least we’re still able to converse on here despite not being in the same grade or class.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** that’s true!  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I do not even attend the same school as any of you for that matter.  
**useless bisexual:** but do u miss us  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes, very much so.  
**useless bisexual:** bro..…..  
**useless bisexual:** we roast u all the time but we still love u i hope u kno that  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Yes I am aware.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Well, usually.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** you fool. we roast you BECAUSE we love you  
**rat baby:** i dont  
**ann (°◡°♡):** yeah you do, admit it  
**rat baby:** i cant admit it if its not true!!!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** BUT IT IS TRUE  
**rat baby:** N O  
**useless bisexual:** we all love yusuke  
**sh(akira):** Hi I heard loving Yusuke and I’m here now  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** Oh.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I love Yusuke as well!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** where’s makoto she’s the only one who hasn’t admitted to loving yusuke yet  
**Makoto Niijima:** Sorry, I’m doing homework.  
**Makoto Niijima:** But yes I do love Yusuke very much. Platonically, of course.  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I do not really know what to say…  
**Yusuke Kitagawa:** I truly do love you all as dear friends.  
**useless bisexual:** GROUP HUG  
**Makoto Niijima:** We can’t, none of us are in the same room right now.  
**ann (°◡°♡):** never stopped me, my girlfriend lives halfway across tokyo  
**rat baby:** can i opt out of the group hug  
**useless bisexual:** no  
**useless bisexual:** no way  
**rat baby:** >>:////  
**ann (°◡°♡):** she’s so angry that she grew 2 extra eyebrows and 3 extra mouths  
**rat baby:** damn straight  
**ann (°◡°♡):** how dare you call me straight  
**rat baby:** NOT LIKE THAT  
**useless bisexual:** get in here futaba  
**useless bisexual:** were huggin this is an internet hug  
**useless bisexual:** everyone get in  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Ooh is this like roleplaying?  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Umm hold on…  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** [I hug Ryuji, Ann, Yusuke and Futaba]  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** Did I do it right?  
**ann (°◡°♡):** omg  
**Makoto Niijima:** Haru please never change I love you so much.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** !!  
**ann (°◡°♡):** gay  
**rat baby:** gayy  
**sh(akira):** That’s gay  
**useless bisexual:** akira you’re gay too get in here  
**sh(akira):** We’re all some variant of gay but ok here I come  
**sh(akira):** [I run and deliver a flying bodyslam to the hug pile]  
**useless bisexual:** nOT LIKE THAT  
**Makoto Niijima:** I hate this family.  
**Makoto Niijima:** Except for Haru.  
**✧* Haru Okumura ✧*:** I love you too!  
**sh(akira):** Get in the hug pile nerd  
**Makoto Niijima:** Fine.  
**Makoto Niijima:** [I join the hug pile]  
**ann (°◡°♡):** YAY  
**rat baby:** this is cramped  
**useless bisexual:** were not even touchin like physically or anything  
**rat baby:** IT’S EMOTIONALLY CRAMPED  
**rat baby:** eugh.. feelings. gross  
**sh(akira):** [I wipe my gross, disgusting feelings all over you]  
**rat baby:** STOOOOOOP

\---

_December 12th 2016_  
_8:52 pm_

_You have one (1) notification from useless bisexual_

**useless bisexual:** hey hey hey whats up  
**sh(akira):** Not a ton  
**sh(akira):** Just in the bath relaxing and stuff before we do our last palace infiltration tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** oof yeah i cant believe thats tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** wait like ,,,, ur in the bath right now  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**useless bisexual:** u DO kno that ur not allowed to have phones in there right  
**sh(akira):** Oh yeah for sure  
**sh(akira):** I snuck mine in though  
**useless bisexual:** …. how  
**sh(akira):** Well there’s no cameras in here, how couldn’t I  
**sh(akira):** There’s only me and one old dude in here, but his eyesight’s pretty bad and he’s on the other side of the room so I think I’m safe  
**sh(akira):** Besides I had to check Twitter  
**useless bisexual:** ohmy god  
**useless bisexual:** u and ur twitter  
**sh(akira):** Yes me and my Twitter  
**useless bisexual:** couldnt that wait til AFTER u took a bath tho  
**sh(akira):** Absolutely not  
**sh(akira):** Haru’s currently periscoping Yusuke’s first time eating at Big Bang Burger and I have to see this  
**useless bisexual:** holy shit  
**useless bisexual:** hows it goin so far  
**sh(akira):** He hates everything except the onion rings  
**sh(akira):** He loves those apparently  
**useless bisexual:** bitch me too tf  
**useless bisexual:** onion rings are bomb  
**sh(akira):** Onion rings suck I only eat the breading  
**useless bisexual:** w h a t  
**useless bisexual:** wha t  
**useless bisexual:** dude,  
**useless bisexual:** wh  
**sh(akira):** I thought you knew this  
**useless bisexual:** NO????  
**useless bisexual:** thats it im divorcing u  
**sh(akira):** Over onion rings  
**useless bisexual:** YES  
**useless bisexual:** this marriage is over goodbye  
**sh(akira):** Can I keep the kids  
**useless bisexual:** if u mean morgana then yes bc i want nothing to do w/ that tuna hoggin motherfucker  
**sh(akira):** I’m telling him you said that  
**useless bisexual:** GOOD  
**sh(akira):** Actually I take it back, I don’t wanna get divorced anymore  
**sh(akira):** What can I do to repair this marriage  
**useless bisexual:** hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
**sh(akira):** That’s a very long “hmm”  
**sh(akira):** It worries me  
**useless bisexual:** u said ur in the bathhouse rn right  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**useless bisexual:** i might think about taking back the divorce.. ... IF u send some tasteful pics  
**sh(akira):** Hmmm  
**sh(akira):** So any kind of tasteful pics are on the table?  
**useless bisexual:** yeah as long as theyre extra super tasteful  
**useless bisexual:** im talkin delicious  
**sh(akira):** Alright 

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

**sh(akira):** There you go  
**useless bisexual:** akira  
**sh(akira):** Yeah  
**useless bisexual:** thats the back of an old guy,  
**useless bisexual:** but like super blurry  
**sh(akira):** Yep  
**useless bisexual:** thats not  
**useless bisexual:** what i meant,  
**sh(akira):** Look how tasteful the camera angle is though  
**sh(akira):** The lighting too  
**sh(akira):** It’s pristine  
**useless bisexual:** i meant tasteful pics of YOU idiot  
**sh(akira):** Ohhhhhhhhh ok

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

**sh(akira):** There you go  
**useless bisexual:** ..  
**useless bisexual:** akira,  
**sh(akira):** Uh huh  
**useless bisexual:** thats your foot  
**sh(akira):** Sure is  
**useless bisexual:** ok listen  
**useless bisexual:** im pretty u sure u kno im not into that sorta thing but im gonna say it again  
**useless bisexual:** anythin BUT feet  
**useless bisexual:** pls  
**sh(akira):** Are you sure because I was 90% sure you were at least kinda into that  
**useless bisexual:** AKIRA  
**sh(akira):** Ok fine

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

**useless bisexual:** wtf thats just ur foot again  
**useless bisexual:** what are u tryin to do ??  
**useless bisexual:** that looks painful  
**sh(akira):** I’m trying to flip you off with my toes  
**sh(akira):** Hold on I almost got it  
**useless bisexual:** ,

_sh(akira) sent a file_

**sh(akira):** It’s easier to tell in video form, look  
**useless bisexual:** im not watchin a video of u tryna flip me off with ur foot  
**useless bisexual:** ok fine ill be more specific this time  
**useless bisexual:** tasteful pics of you NOT ur feet please  
**sh(akira):** But they’re my best feature  
**sh(akira):** … Hah  
**useless bisexual:** what  
**sh(akira):** My best FEETure  
**useless bisexual:** FUCK you  
**sh(akira):** :)  
**useless bisexual:** literally nobodys best feature is their feet and u can quote me on that  
**sh(akira):** Ok fine fair  
**sh(akira):** Is this better?

_sh(akira) sent a photo_

**useless bisexual:** ok a selfie  
**useless bisexual:** were getting there  
**useless bisexual:** ngl u have nice collarbones  
**useless bisexual:** not tryna be weird or anythin but theyre like… .. rly nice  
**sh(akira):** Thanks  
**sh(akira):** Don’t worry it’s not weird it’s tastefully horny  
**useless bisexual:** heh  
**useless bisexual:** WAIT hold up is that the same blurry old dude from before in the bg  
**sh(akira):** Yeah you never said I had to be the only person in the picture  
**useless bisexual:** …………………………..  
**useless bisexual:** remind me why im datin u again  
**sh(akira):** Because of my feet  
**useless bisexual:** NO!!!!!!!!!  
**sh(akira):** Because of my collarbones?  
**useless bisexual:** also no but theyre a nice bonus  
**sh(akira):** Aw you truly flatter me  
**useless bisexual:** i try ;)  
**useless bisexual:** oh yeah,,  
**useless bisexual:** ok real talk here i know this is outta the blue but did u remember to check over everything for tomorrow?  
**useless bisexual:** like inventory and prep for the palace n stuff  
**sh(akira):** Yeah don’t worry I finished right before coming over here  
**useless bisexual:** k good  
**useless bisexual:** im just  
**useless bisexual:** .. ugh  
**sh(akira):** What?  
**useless bisexual:** nothin  
**useless bisexual:** ok well its not NOTHIN nothin but i wish it was  
**useless bisexual:** i hate to be a debbie downer or whatever but its still stressin me out  
**useless bisexual:** like just the fact that this is IT  
**useless bisexual:** no more palaces after tomorrow  
**useless bisexual:** its like this is some long fucked up video game and this is our final boss  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, I guess it is  
**useless bisexual:** u guess?  
**sh(akira):** Well this is what we’ve been waiting for isn’t it?  
**sh(akira):** Each of us can finally have the revenge we’ve been hoping for  
**sh(akira):** The payback that we’ve been dreaming of has all culminated into this moment and we’re taking advantage of it while we can  
**sh(akira):** Isn’t that a good thing?  
**useless bisexual:** thats….. true……  
**sh(akira):** You don’t exactly sound so confident  
**useless bisexual:** its not like that  
**useless bisexual:** im not sayin im gonna wuss out or anythin like that  
**useless bisexual:** im just……. gonna miss this  
**useless bisexual:** gonna miss US  
**useless bisexual:** takin down baddies as a group yknow  
**sh(akira):** Yeah, me too  
**sh(akira):** But I made a deal  
**sh(akira):** Plus this has to end at some point, I’m leaving Tokyo in a couple months after all  
**useless bisexual:** :/  
**sh(akira):** I know you’re not crazy about it… neither am I  
**sh(akira):** But it’s not like I can prevent it  
**sh(akira):** I have to go back to my parents at some point; work things out with them, hopefully attend university here if possible  
**sh(akira):** One thing’s for sure though, I’m not leaving you behind  
**sh(akira):** You or ANY of the others for that matter  
**useless bisexual:** ...  
**sh(akira):** It’s not like moving back is suddenly going to undo everything we’ve built  
**sh(akira):** If anything it’ll just be different  
**sh(akira):** New territory, I guess  
**sh(akira):** I’m running out of things to say to stop you from being upset  
**sh(akira):** I hate the reality of things too but it doesn’t change the inevitable  
**useless bisexual:** ,  
**useless bisexual:** yea  
**useless bisexual:** i know :(  
**useless bisexual:** but sometimes u just gotta let a bitch be sad yknow  
**sh(akira):** Not this time  
**sh(akira):** Sad bitch hours isn’t for another 35 minutes  
**useless bisexual:** damn my watch must be fast  
**useless bisexual:** why 35 mins specifically??  
**sh(akira):** Because that’s how long the commute would take from here to your place  
**useless bisexual:** you have to like. get dressed and stuff first idiot  
**sh(akira):** For you I would commit an act of public indecency  
**useless bisexual:** PLEASE DONT  
**sh(akira):** I’m a convicted felon, jail time means nothing to me  
**sh(akira):** Pruning does however so I’m getting out of the bath now  
**useless bisexual:** are tasteful changing room pics too much to ask for  
**sh(akira):** Of course not  
**sh(akira):** Unless there’s other people in there, then maybe  
**useless bisexual:** well duh  
**useless bisexual:** u better dry off properly before comin over here  
**useless bisexual:** im gonna kick ur ass if u catch a cold because of me  
**sh(akira):** Mmm I dunno ass kicking sounds pretty hot  
**sh(akira):** Don’t tempt me  
**useless bisexual:** （；¬＿¬)


	27. [scott pilgrim voice] you know what sucks? everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yusuke blinked owlishly. “Shido is your father...?”
> 
> “Family reunions must be rough huh,” Futaba whispered under her breath before Makoto delivered a sharp kick to her knee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 of 2 for today's update,,,, i promised angst and i delivered in spades
> 
> pour one out for goro akechi lastname he truly didn't deserve being fucked this hard by life. however he's also a murderous twink so These Things Happen Sometimes
> 
> next chapter should be up a lot sooner than these ones were ksdjfhb !! onto the infamous calling card scene and onto kicking shido's bald ass

Akira’s boots clanged noisily against metal flooring as he and the others raced towards the engine room as quickly as possible. The sooner they could get to the assembly hall, the sooner they’d find the treasure and make it out of here in one piece, he told himself. This whole entire palace just gave him the worst feeling; even more terrible than Kamoshida’s palace, and that was already pretty bad.

Ryuji had decided to take the lead, naturally, as he’d unconsciously developed the habit of running ahead to protect their group from potential danger. Akira kept his gaze trained on the metallic armor running up Ryuji’s spine as he jogged ahead, focused on the task at hand. 

They were gonna find Shido and they were gonna make him pay. _Big_ time.

Yet out of nowhere, Akira realized that something didn’t feel right. The atmosphere felt... different. A _bad_ sort of different, yet somehow oddly familiar. He could feel the air practically swimming with malice, and he didn’t like it at all.

Ryuji made a noise of confusion as their leader grabbed his wrist firmly and slowed them to a halt. The others sensed his apprehension and followed suit. “What’s wrong?” Futaba chirped. “I don’t sense anything on the nav and we’re almost to the treasure. What’s the holdup?” 

It was then a breathy chuckle sounded from from above.

Before anyone had the chance to even register where the soft noise came from, a white-clad figure descended gracefully from a utility catwalk positioned almost directly above them. 

Goro Akechi stood slowly to his full height before the assembly of thieves. He sauntered over to the group without a single ounce of hesitation, addressing Akira directly.

“Long time no see,” he teased with what seemed to be a sneer barely detectable in his voice. Akira didn’t respond, only held his ground. Ryuji however, didn’t share his reaction.

“You…!” the blond gasped incredulously as he moved to stand closer to Akira. Even now his protectiveness came through before he could think or do otherwise. 

“Why’s he here?” Akira could faintly make out Futaba’s anxious whisper as she leaned over to Makoto.

Akechi’s posture straightened as he spoke to the rest of the group. “I’m surprised that you managed to deceive me. it seems I underestimated your abilities.” 

Akira could hardly read his face under the mask, but the young detective just continued. 

“You truly are interesting… quiet, yet possessing the courage and determination to take action. Under different circumstances, we could have been great rivals… or perhaps even friends.” 

Was that… _wistfulness_ that Akira detected in his tone?

“It’s not too late y’know,” Akira interrupted. “I don’t know specifically what you’re planning here, but we’re not doing all this for just our sake. We’re trying to help everyone, and that includes you.”

Akechi just let out a silvery laugh and grinned wryly. “How wonderful! You don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by such things as human relations or past selves… and so, your heart is always free. The exact opposite as mine.” The former Phantom Thief tipped his head in a vaguely sheepish manner. 

“To be honest, I’m envious.” 

Akechi’s expression then changed to something a bit softer, the low lighting of the ship’s interior almost obscuring his face. 

“I wonder why we couldn’t have met a few years earlier…” he muttered almost inaudibly.

Before Akira had the chance to decipher what any of that actually meant, Ann stepped forward.

“Akechi… we had no idea.” Her gloved fists clenched at her sides. “Why didn’t you tell us you felt like this?”

“I had no reason to,” the detective said, masking his emotions once again. “There’s no use talking in hypotheticals... that didn’t happen in reality, and it never will.” 

Makoto decided then that she was taking none of this.

“Then why are you cooperating with someone like Shido!?” she demanded. “Don’t you see what this palace looks like? His true nature is-”

“ _Cooperating?_ ” Akechi scoffed, interrupting her. “What are you talking about? I don’t care for Shido, or this country. All of this is to make Masayoshi Shido, my _father_ , acknowledge me… and then I’ll exact my revenge on him.”

Yusuke blinked owlishly. “Shido is your father...?”

“Family reunions must be rough huh,” Futaba whispered under her breath before Makoto delivered a sharp kick to her knee.

It seemed Akechi either didn’t hear her or chose to ignore her. 

“Remember when I said before, how my mother had been in a relationship with some good-for-nothing man? I’m his bastard child. My very existence is nothing but a scandal.” Akechi turned his back to them all, too lost in his reminiscing to see the expressions of disbelief on their faces. “My mother’s life turned for the worst after she had me… and she ended up dying. I was a cursed child for her too.”

“That’s horrible,” Ann spoke in a hushed tone.

“I resented him,” Akechi’s fist clenched as he continued to speak, “but he was already a high-ranking official by then. A kid like me could do nothing. Yet… that’s when it happened.” A melodic chuckle filled the stagnant air of the engine room as Akechi turned to face them again. “That’s when I learned about the cognitive world!” He proclaimed, throwing his hands in the air as he spoke. “Someone, be it god or demon, gave _me_ a chance. I couldn’t contain my joy...!”

Ryuji growled. “You son of a-”

“Oh, who _cares_? My targets were doing the same damn thing in this eat or be eaten world. All I did was remove their evil from society,” Akechi retorted, folding his arms. “How is that any different from the Phantom Thieves?”

“Uh, I dunno maybe because we’re not _murderers_?” Ann shouted. 

Akechi was starting to grow tired of this back-and-forth between them. “So what!? Masayoshi Shido is finally within my grasp. Once he reaches the apex of his power and acknowledges me, I’m going to tell him the truth of who I really am... and that’s how I’ll _win_.”

Yusuke made a noise of discomfort. “What a warped thought… it’s almost pitiable.”

“In just a few weeks my plan would have come to fruition… but no, you just HAD to interfere,” Akechi growled under his breath. A strangely calm smile slowly replaced his expression of rage. “... I can still take it back though. I just need to kill you all.”

Morgana hopped in front of their group and hissed his disapproval. “You talk big, but you’re really nothing more than a little kid throwing a temper tantrum!”

“Don’t lecture me you piece of shit,” Akechi spat. 

For a moment, Akira thought it almost looked as if Akechi was contemplating punting the small, black cat out of the way (which honestly would have been a bit hilarious if not slightly mortifying) but he stayed where he was.

“I am going to personally thrust Masayoshi Shido into a living hell!" He threatened. "So Joker… rest easy, and die.”

“Have fun with that,” Akira responded in turn, unsheathing his dagger from underneath his jacket.

“Hah! Yeah exactly,” Ryuji said, stepping forward again and slinging an arm around Akira’s shoulders confidently. “We already know all your tricks from back when you were workin’ with us anyway.”

Akechi merely cast them both a pitying glance. “Aww Joker…” he said in a mockingly somber voice, “how could you be so successful while having such an idiot as your partner?”

“Hey!” shouted Ryuji.

“Because he’s hot,” Akira admitted.

“Because Akira’s morosexual,” Futaba blurts, which earns her another firm kick in the leg from Makoto.

Akechi just let out another shaky laugh as we watched their usual antics. “It’s no matter,” he said dismissively, lowering his head. “I’ll tell you all about my true power… while you _die_. You can take that knowledge with you to the grave.”

Without warning, two large shadows spawn behind Akechi’s silhouette. 

“Kill them!” he snarls.

Akira made the signal for them all to get into position as the two shadows leapt at them and went for the throat.

“... The mental shutdowns aren’t the only incidents people are talking about,” they faintly hear Akechi’s voice call out as Makoto dodged an attack from a particularly aggressive chimera and delivered a punch of her own.

“There are also the breakdowns which cause people to turn psychotic, creating accidents and scandals…”

Haru cried out as she brought her axe down with perfect timing upon the shoulder of the smaller shadow. It leapt back towards Akechi, almost as if it were looking for solace from the former Phantom Thief. Akechi ignored it and continued with his speech.

“But those cannot be explained unless the true culprit has the power to make people’s hearts psychotic.” A shrill laugh rings out above the battle. “That’s right! It’s my power-- one that you don’t have!”

“He’s gonna try something,” Futaba mutters beside Akira.

Almost as if on cue, a dark, writhing figure suddenly manifests itself behind Akechi and engulfs the two shadows with thick, black clouds of energy; sending dark tendrils up from the ground. The shadows simultaneously let out cries of surprise as Futaba gasps.

“What was that?!”

“What was _what_?” Ryuji shouts anxiously, watching Futaba type away at the digital keyboard provided by her nav.

“That wasn’t Robin Hood… could it have been a different persona?” she muttered to herself. 

Akechi moved to stand on front of the two berserk shadows, his grin never faltering. “Even the feeblest existence can gain tremendous power once the chains on its heart are broken… you’d better not underestimate these two.”

“The enemies are way stronger now…!” Futaba cried as the two shadows leapt at their group once again and the battle resumed.

\---

At last, Makoto dealt the final blow after several gruelling turns that the team spent taking hit after hit. The berserk chimera let out a screech, its form obliterated in the nuclear blast that Anat dished out. Akechi huffed from the sidelines, hopping off of his perch on the railing and walking back towards them.

“Hmph… well done.”

Akira noticed then that Futaba was shaking slightly in her spot beside him. He put a hand on her shoulder. “You good?”

She shook her head, shrugging his gloved hand off of her. Instead she directed her distress at Akechi. “That power to make others turn psychotic… you used it on actual _people_ didn’t you?! You’re out of your mind!”

“Of course I didn’t actually expect you to be defeated by them,” Akechi responded wholly unbothered, ignoring her obvious anger towards him. “You have deceived me and escaped death, after all… hence why I wouldn’t give up my chance to massacre you with my own two hands!” 

With that, Akechi unsheathed his laser saber and assumed a fighting stance.

\---

After what seemed like an eternity, an utterly spent and exhausted Akechi slumped to the floor clutching his slightly wounded shoulder; breathing labored as he avoided eye contact with everyone in the dimly lit engine room.

_‘This isn’t right,’_ he thought. _‘This isn’t **fair** …’_

“D-damn it…’ he choked out feebly.

“I can’t believe the ability to drive others mad was born from his heart,” Makoto panted as she stood up straighter. “It’s… sad really, that this is what he’s using his powers for.”

Akira fought the urge to take Akechi’s hand and pull his tattered body up from where he laid on the ground. As the detective continued to utter death threats in their direction, though most of them were sort of hard to make out, he remembered the image of the ideal Kosei student he’d met so many months prior.

How far the mighty have fallen, he supposed.

“Akechi… you’re fighting the wrong people,” Ann urged, snapping Akira out of his reminiscent thoughts. “We both hate Shido! Maybe for different reasons, sure, but our goal is the same!” She stamped her heeled foot angrily. “Why do we have to fight each other? Why can’t we just take him down together?”

Ryuji cleared his throat. “You’re your own person, man… who gives a shit about what Shido thinks or says? You gotta know that.”

Akechi just continued to curse at the ground, his hands scrabbling for purchase against the cold unyielding floor of the ship’s interior.

In the end, it was Morgana who snapped the former Phantom Thief out of his hate-filled stupor.

“... You don’t really hate Akira and the others, do you?”

Akechi went deathly quiet. 

Morgana took this as permission to continue. “That smile you had on your face before we fought... that’s how you really feel deep inside, isn’t it?”

A shuddering sob wracked the young detective’s body.

“We know that _you_ know what’s right,” the small black cat spoke on. “Even if you think that people hate you or don’t want you around, that’s not true! You have a right to be here. You have a right to have people who care about you. That’s-”

“Shut up shut UP SHUT UP-” Akechi’s hoarse voice drowned out whatever Morgana was about to say next.

“I know what you’re doing,” he breathed unsteadily, cackling. “You’re trying to get me to change my mind. To spare you from the punishment you deserve… but you’re criminals. Every last one of you.” 

Akira opened his mouth to speak again, but Akechi cut him off.

“But _me_?” he asked. “I’m a _celebrity_. I was particular about it all; my appearance, my grades, my friends, my job, EVERYTHING.” 

His grating tone suddenly disappeared, replaced with something much more tender. 

More vulnerable.

“And it’s still not enough,” he breathed. “It’ll never be enough, will it? Not ever. I know that now, I think.” He took an unsteady breath to formulate his words. “But you know what I don’t know?”

Nobody dared answer.

“... Why do they _love_ you?” Akechi inquired again, hardly above a whisper. “No matter how much I try. No matter how little you try, they always come back to you. They care about you. Not about me… _why is that_?”

Haru let out a heavy sigh. Ryuji’s began to quietly shuffle his feet, a tick he’d developed whenever he began to feel uncomfortable. Akira could practically hear himself sweat. 

None of them knew the answer. There was no answer, as far as anyone knew.

“I don’t know,” Akira finally spoke up, admitting what none of them wanted to. “I really don’t know Akechi. I wish I did… I really do. I’m sorry.”

A hoarse laugh rose from deep in Akechi’s chest, replacing the hollow feeling of the room with pure despair. It was the sound of someone who had given up, simply and truly.

“Oh, don’t apologize... the last thing I’d want is pity from attic trash like you,” he growled. 

The detective’s haggard figure suddenly flashed with a dark outline of a silhouette which filled them all with a deep sense of dread.

“What _was_ that…?” Makoto asked, dreading the answer she feared was coming.

“A black mask,” Yusuke breathed. 

Akira’s mind suddenly flashed with the handful of moments that they’d heard about that particular black mask before; in both Madarame’s and Kaneshiro’s palaces respectively.

It made all too much sense once he put the pieces together.

“It was you. You were behind the mental shutdowns all along,” Haru’s voice barely disguised her thinly veiled anger. Akira realized that she was probably thinking of her father in that moment.

“Oh this is rich,” Akechi’s weary smile returned. “I’m honestly surprised it took you this long… aww, don’t tell me you were actually _attached_ to him?” Akechi was looking at Haru now. Her hand clenched more firmly around the handle of her axe.

“He wasn’t listening to you, right? Selling you off like you were his _property_ or something?” Akechi taunted, feeling like overstepping his bounds a bit now that he’d spilled practically his guts to the world.

Haru exhaled shakily, not breaking eye contact.

“... Would you like to hear how I did it?” The question was rhetorical of course; Akechi dangling the answer in front of Haru like it was some kind of sadistic game they were playing.

“Well I’ll tell you,” he grinned as if he were telling the funniest joke in the world. “I waited until you said your last goodbyes, then right as I saw him raise his head and the light return to his eyes I sent two bullets straight into him. One through the chest, the other clear through his-”

“STOP IT ALREADY!” Haru was crying now, not with sorrow but with rage. 

Makoto had her arms around Haru’s short frame, not only holding her steady but holding her back. Large tears began to spill down Haru’s face as her fists trembled at her sides; her girlfriend running strong yet slender hands down her shoulders and hushing her as the sobs threatened to escape her throat.

“You’re a _monster_ ,” Haru managed to choke out. “Plain and simple… only a monster could do such a thing.”

“Haru don’t-” Morgana started but Akechi interrupted him.

“No, she’s right. She’s absolutely right,” Akechi agreed. “And you know, honestly who am I even kidding? There’s no point in seeking Shido’s acknowledgement anymore, not really.” He could hardly keep the laughter out of his voice. “It’s only your deaths that will satisfy me now.”

Before anyone can react or stop him, a red haze seeps up from the ground beneath Akechi’s feet. His cackling laughter reaches a shrill peak as he screams the words “ _ **Come, Loki!**_ ”

The same figure as before emerges from behind Akechi’s form, this time not shrouded in shadow, but bathed in a heady red light. It was decorated with brilliant, zig-zagging stripes and two long horns, accompanied by a pair of cloven hooves. Its long, red-tinged braids danced around it as it unsheathed a sword seemingly from thin air.

This was Goro Akechi’s true self.

“Shit shit shit shit-” Akira could faintly hear Ryuji chanting behind him, sounding panicked as honestly none of them had even remotely seen this coming.

Slowly, the tendrils dancing from beneath Akechi’s feet began wrapping around his body, enveloping him in pitch black armor.

“I’ll kill you… I’ll _destroy_ you, I’ll _eradicate you from this earth_ \--!”

A pillar of darkness shot upwards and surrounded Akechi entirely, waves of pure dark energy coming off of him in spades.

“Shit shIT SHIT SHIT-” Ryuji’s chanting grew in volume.

Akechi ran the clawed hands of his outfit down his face, his laughter refusing to cease. The black, helmet-like mask appeared and covered his face almost entirely, leaving only his eyes and mouth visible in a crude depiction of a toothed grin. He appeared to struggle for breath as waves of hysteria came off of him and spread rapidly throughout the room.

“Brace yourselves…!” Morgana cried in warning as the first flurry of attacks begun.

\---

The battle was brutal.

Akira was already so, _so_ tired but he held it together for both the team and himself. As Akechi steadily weakened he lowered himself to a kneeling position and panted frustratedly.

“ _Why_ … why are you _looking_ at me like that…”

Akira wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, only wanting to end that battle as quickly as possible. It could be that he was gazing sorrowfully at the young detective without even realizing it, at this point he wasn’t really sure what he felt. The crazed energy in the room was making his head spin, Loki’s influence causing everyone to be a bit on edge. Haru had stopped crying and was now looking on coldly as she delivered assault after assault. Both Morgana and Makoto were on standby as support while Yusuke and Ryuji took turns taking the bigger hits.

Everything was working out almost perfectly on their end, and yet…

As Akira looked back to Akechi’s slowly withering form, he couldn’t help but feel an emotion he couldn't quite name yet. Maybe it was sorrow, empathy. Hell, maybe it was even grief for something that he’d never really _lost_. A friendship that had never really blossomed.

He couldn’t lock gazes with Akechi much longer. It made him hurt in a way he didn’t understand.

Luckily he didn’t have to for much longer, as Haru quickly and efficiently commanded her persona to deal the final blow. Akechi let out one final scream as he collapsed to the floor, his limp hand finally releasing the sword within his grasp.

They waited a moment for Akechi to pull himself up to a sitting position. He looked ragged as hell, not to mention completely beat to shit. He was hardly recognizable as the prim and proper high school student they’d known only weeks before

“... You ready to call it quits?” Ryuji sounded almost dead on his feet, having protected Akira and the others from a few of Akechi’s stronger attacks during that battle.

“I know. I’ve had enough…” Akechi wheezed. “... God, You’re so _lucky_ , you know that?”

Akira blinked, not expecting that turn in the conversation.

“You’re… lucky to have teammates that acknowledge you. Friends who love you,” he continued, pausing to cough. “And once Shido confesses his crimes you’ll all be heroes. Just like you wanted.”

Akechi hid his face, voice trembling as he spoke. “As for me? Well, I guess I don’t really have to answer that one for you, now do I?” He forced out a chuckle. “Hah… both an accomplice and a murderer, there’s not an ounce of mercy waiting for me outside these walls.”

Nobody dared sugarcoat the truth, they all knew it after all. As loathe as they were to admit it, Akechi would never get out of this situation home free.

“In the end, I wasn’t special. All those cases I solved were just a farce that I used to build my reputation after teaming up with Shido. Underneath all the fame I’m just nothing, a nobody.”

“... You know that’s not actually the truth, right?” Makoto finally raised her voice. “To be honest… for a long time, I actually _envied_ your talent and natural ability. Your strength and intelligence are traits you should be proud of, and a force to be reckoned with from a “criminal’s” perspective, so to speak.” She allowed herself a slight grin, shifting her feet. “I really looked up to you when you first joined the force, you know. My sister trusted you so _much_ , you have no idea.”

Akechi said nothing, appearing to be at a complete loss for words.

Ryuji broke away from the group and walked up to Akechi’s hunched form. He kneeled down to look him in the eye in a somewhat consoling manner.

“After we send this calling card, we’re gonna kick Shido’s ass. What are _you_ gonna do?”

“It’s not too late to help us by the way,” Ann piped up. “It’d be a pain in the ass of we kept running into each other anyways, so why not settle the score as a team?”

“... What are you, _stupid_?” Akechi asked incredulously. “You should get rid of me… if you don’t want me, um, getting in your way.” He let out another laugh of disbelief. “I really don’t get you. ANY of you.”

Their brief heart-to-heart was interrupted by the soft sound of footsteps approaching them. An all too familiar figure emerged from the shadows surrounding the engine room, strolling up to them as if he owned the place.

“A-akechi?!” Ryuji choked out. “But... you’re-”

Akira immediately noticed the small black tendrils licking at the figure’s ankles, but Morgana spoke up before he could. “That must be Shido’s cognitive version of Akechi,” he said, his hackles raising.

The room tensed as cognitive Akechi chuckled and drew his gun, pointing it at the crumpled form of his true self.

“I’ll deal with the rest of you later,” he said hollowly and without malice. He spoke without any emotion at _all_ and it honestly creeped Akira out a bit.

The false Akechi turned his gaze back to the real one. “Captain Shido’s orders; I am to dispose of you at once, since we have no need for failures.”

True Akechi’s eyes widened the slightest bit in shock, obviously surprised that the politician knew of his whereabouts and had so quickly dispatched someone to take care of him

“Well, I suppose this just moves the plan up a little,” cognitive Akechi mused, ignoring his doppelganger’s stunned silence. “He was going to get rid of you after the election anyway.”

“...What?”

The double snorted. “Did you truly believe that you’d be spared after all the murders that you undertook?” He paused, seemingly mulling something over. “Oh, don’t tell me… were you actually feeling _good_ about having someone rely on you for once?”

The true Akechi’s frame shook as he laughed wryly, pulling himself up off of the floor. “I was wondering how he’d protect himself if I’d suddenly decided to go rogue.” He fell silent for a moment before speaking again, a somewhat sorrowful expression overcoming him. “So he’s making a puppet kill me… seems like something he’d do.”

“That’s right, I’ll do anything,” the cognition’s listless voice agreed, nodding. “But just look at you, on the other hand. Aren’t you the true puppet in this scenario?”

The young detective grit his teeth and looked at the floor, saying nothing.

“You wanted to be acknowledged by someone, didn’t you?” He pressed. “To experience even the semblance of love? You’ve been nothing but a puppet from the very beginning.”

Akira could feel Ryuji tense and let out a soft growl as Akechi’s cognitive self kept pushing his real self's buttons; revealing how little Shido actually cared for his illegitimate son. It was painful in a way that was hard to comprehend entirely, but it hurt nonetheless.

Without warning, the cognition’s attention was turned onto their group. “And what’s all this about? Is there a problem?” Without moving a single finger, the fake summoned a whole cluster of shadows out of thin air. They loomed menacingly behind the two versions of Akechi.

“Since I’m feeling particularly generous, I’ll even let someone volunteer to take his place. Who knows? You might even delay his inevitable death.” The double's face slowly morphed into a sadistic grin. “I mean, the Phantom Thieves are all about doing things for others, right? That’s just the same as me. After all, I’m going to take all the blame for our captain... I’ll die for him too.”

Makoto let out a pained noise. “I still can’t believe this is how Shido really thinks of his own son…” she seemed sickened by the very idea.

“Here. I’ll give you one last chance,” the double said, gesturing to the identical pistol that was holstered in his true self’s belt. “Shoot them.”

They all waited helplessly with baited breath as Akechi slowly took his gun and raised it to point right in between Akira’s eyes.

“Yes…” the double hissed. “ _That’s_ the you our captain wishes to see.” 

True Akechi laughed under his breath as he turned and pointed the gun at his identical self. “Don’t misunderstand,” he said, mouth curved slightly, showing his teeth.

Taking the shot without hesitation, a wickedly sharp _BANG_ echoed throughout the metal room, temporarily disorienting the others. In almost a single instant, cognitive Akechi was kneeling on the ground in pain, as true Akechi was clutching his side desperately. Both guns had fired at the same time. 

Akechi then took aim at a spot behind the thieves and fired once more, causing alarms to begin blaring and a voice to ring out:

“ _The watertight bulkhead door has closed. All personnel within the partition wall, evacuate at once._ ”

A large, sheet metal wall suddenly separated Akechi from the rest of the group and obscured their view of the other side.

“Whoa, whoa, what’s happening?” Futaba sounded thoroughly panicked now.

“AKECHI!” Ryuji yelled, desperately hoping his voice would carry through the metal door.

“Hurry up and _GO_ ,” a broken voice shouted from the other side.

“Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?!” Yusuke called, sounding much less composed than usual. It was out of character for him to show such levels of distress, but in that moment they all felt the same.

“I told you you should have just left me here,” The detective’s shaky voice carried through the sheet metal. He hacked up a cough that _really honestly didn’t sound too great_ and Akira’s mind was racing a mile a minute trying to figure out how he could get them all out of there safely.

“Akechi!” Makoto had resorted to frustratedly banging on the barrier between them.

After an extremely uncomfortable length of silence in which Akira was starting to think he’d lost Akechi already, the detective’s voice spoke weakly.

“Let’s make a deal… okay?” 

Akira put his hand against the metal barrier where he knew Akechi’s voice was carrying through. 

“... You won’t say no, will you?” Akechi's voice croaked.

“Of course not,” Akira answered without hesitation. He was starting to tear up. He honestly hated this he hated it _he hated it so **much-**_

“Change Shido’s heart... in my stead, end his crimes. Please.” Akechi sounded like he was choking up now as well, the reality of the situation sinking in faster than either of them wanted it to.

“Okay, okay I promise,” Akira whispered against the unforgiving wall between them. He was pressed up so tightly against it, it was almost as if he were trying to pull Akechi through it.

“You _bastard_ …!” The warbled voice of Akechi’s cognitive double was audible as they all simultaneously heard the click of a gun cocking. Yet somehow, in that moment, Goro Akechi felt more at peace than he ever had before. He smiled to himself, taking a moment to appreciate the irony of the whole situation.

“So, my final enemy is a puppet of myself huh?”

He cocked his own pistol.

“... Not bad.”

The last sounds to grace the room were two gunshots and Ann’s resounding scream of the former detective’s name.

**Author's Note:**

> the ttotm [discord](https://discord.gg/XYh99gp) is still open and active !! we're always welcoming new faces please join us in our efforts to scream incessantly at the sky
> 
> you can also still find me on my other social media:
> 
> twitter- [@meme_xtreme](https://twitter.com/meme_xtreme)  
> tumblr- [@croninians](http://croninians.tumblr.com/)

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